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Reviewing Historical Fic

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message 1: by [deleted user] (new)

again, same thing.


message 2: by [deleted user] (new)

Snow, flaky and white, drifted down from the cold, dark sky.
It clumped on the ground, casting shadows from a single lit street lamp. The lamp's dandelion-yellow light, on dot on a vast map, shone brighter with each passing second...but no one noticed as a boy took a strand of twig and held it to the lamp. No one noticed but one pair of blue eyes.
Shivering, the boy held the burning twig close to his face, as if it would help relight the dim fire inside him. A scarf was wrapped around his pale face, and a cap did little to hold back his shaggy black hair. Only a few cloth rags, once leather, served as shoes, wrapped carelessly around his feet. His toes curled away from the ground as if they could curl away from the cold.
The twig burnt out, leaving a red burn on the boy's fingertips, but he didn't care. He could not feel it.
The boy searched the ground for a splinter, a twig, or a branch from some forgotten Christmas tree.
Once he had found a candle. That had been heaven in the early snows of November, nearly a month ago. When the smell of roasting turkey and sweet pies wafted down the streets, when beautiful creations of marzipan and spun sugar decorated the bakeries. Now, cookies baked by the pound, pies were sold by the dozen, and at least a hundred people had entered and reentered the bustling bakery.
He had carried the burning candle, huddling around its heat, to behind the stables and slept there, completely content for a night.
But now the stables were locked to block against the winds. All stray wisps of hay had been used up. Nothing was left but hard, cold ground and the numbing snow.


message 3: by +Chaz (last edited Jan 13, 2009 09:30AM) (new)

+Chaz . "It clumped on the ground, casting shadows..." I had to stop and ask, what shadows, the clumped on the ground? When a reader has to pause to interpret a writing he/she loose the flow of thought. Not a good thing. You look like your getting close with your opening. Are you looking for feel good or honest evaluation?

Charles



message 4: by [deleted user] (new)

please, honest evaluation.
"It"=snow. You know, when snow falls, you can see the light shine across the surface of the snow, and there's bluish shadows....nvm.
but thanks anyway.


message 5: by Nikalina (new)

Nikalina | 6 comments I like it... it reminds me of a really sad story I once read about a matchgirl, or something like that.


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