I Write, Therefore, I Live discussion

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Writing/Critiquing > my new story

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message 1: by [deleted user] (new)

new story ... could be interesting ... sorry i was in a REALLY weird mood when i wrote it!! >:D

Destiny. What do people know about destiny? Is life really that way? Does God have everything planned out? Are we living out a play? Is our death known by Him? The questions. They haunt me. What happens when I am gone? Do I stay up there (or down) forever? That would be so boring! Does my life have meaning? Will I die tomorrow?

Oh, where are my manners? How can I start a story like this? Ah, well. My name is Tara. I don’t think you need to know more. I live in a little town called Carae. The path there couldn’t have less curves. So many curves that you will get so annoyed and completely ignore the road and just go straight. It is an old road, with cement crumbles scattered along the road. You know those yellow dashes along roads? Well, this road didn’t have that. It had long curving pink lines. Yeah, I know!

You’d squint and squint and nothing would come up. When finally the town came into view, it was a line of shops. They were all box houses, the exact same width and height. They were all painted dull gray. The sidewalks were cobblestone, the kind that go clip-clop when you walk on them. Yeah, maybe you’re saying ‘oh wow, that’s cool!’ but seriously, if you live here, it gets real annoying.

All in all, nobody wants to come to Carae. Nobody.

So, you might be asking, why did I come here? Not my choice. That was my parent’s. They figured life out in the country would be good for me. But this is as far in the country as you get.

The sky one night was beautiful. It was like cotton candy. The clouds were pink, just floating there, as if to say, “Come up, Tara, come up! Come up and get us!” And oh, how I wanted to. I wanted to pick those cotton candy clouds one by one and put them gently on my tongue, and then I’d slowly close my mouth over it and it’d melt. But, reader, it was calling me. The sky was calling me! I got so close as to climb up on our roof and stick my tongue out. I wanted so badly to go up.

The call of the sky was hard to resist. The clouds were tugging me. I dreamed of soaring up off the roof and swimming through the air. My dream was so vivid that I thought I could. I completely ignored my common sense. And, oh reader how I regret it, I jumped.



message 2: by Paige (new)

Paige Miller Oohhh... I like it! That sounds really cool, Adr.


message 3: by [deleted user] (new)

call me adee.


message 4: by Paige (new)

Paige Miller I meant to type it all out... my keyboard has issues. And okay!


message 5: by [deleted user] (new)

;)


message 6: by Paige (new)

Paige Miller ADEE ADEE ADEE ADEE!!!! YAY!!!


message 7: by [deleted user] (new)

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhkay then!


message 8: by Paige (new)

Paige Miller Sorry. I think your hyperness left you and joined me and then left me.


message 9: by [deleted user] (new)

and joined me again!!!!! weeeeeeeeeeeeeeheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!~!


message 10: by Paige (new)

Paige Miller good for you


message 11: by jeeves..., shiniest of all the mods. (new)

jeeves... | 269 comments Mod
you think it is? i'm not so sure... ;/


message 12: by Paige (new)

Paige Miller Not really, but she went offline so I don't care it she's hyper.


message 13: by jeeves..., shiniest of all the mods. (new)

jeeves... | 269 comments Mod
*gasp*
nobody's commented anything in minutes!!!
ah, well, it's nearing 1am, so i suppose i'll go to bed...
g'night.


message 14: by Paige (new)

Paige Miller I went offline, monolith, sorry! As a preteen, I am still subject to my mom yelling at me to go to to bed. : (


message 15: by Rhonda (last edited Jan 08, 2009 07:56PM) (new)

Rhonda (RhondaK) I'm glad you admitted you were in a weird mood when you wrote this. Otherwise how could I understand the following:
"Oh, where are my manners? How can I start a story like this? Ah, well. My name is Tara. I don’t think you need to know more."

My point is that this is a little too abrupt to be acceptable manners.

While I like the little machine gun bursts of words, the problem is that they aren't all that effective in many cases in keeping the reader's interest. You begin talking about destiny and then ask what PEOPLE know about it: this is what YOU know about! Also, you say, "The questions. They haunt me." Questions is an appositive so it should be one sentence, but it is not clear where the questions are coming from. You might have suggested a cause by your loneliness, or perhaps just mental agility, or even psycho-social aberration, perhaps the reasons why your parents brought you there. (Please notice the incorrect apostrophe: it should be "parents'."

You wrote, "The path there couldn’t have less curves. So many curves that you will get so annoyed and completely ignore the road and just go straight."

In the first place, I wonder about your use of "path" as I think you want to expand it to something else, like maybe explaining that it is so many hours away from the town of any size. Then you mean "fewer" curves, but it is not clear what the comparison is. Then you imply that curves are annoying and that in frustration one will begin driving off into a field or something.
The major difficulty I see with your story is that you ask the reader to come in and then chase him or her out with your desire for isolation. In order for this story to work, I think you have to choose one state of mind and then rewrite it.




message 16: by Carole, bluest mod (new)

Carole B (caroleaburkett) | 138 comments Mod
Does it continue, Adee?


message 17: by The New Maria (new)

The New Maria (emeraldmaria) | 85 comments "Oh, where are my manners? How can I start a story like this? Ah, well. My name is Tara. I don’t think you need to know more. I live in a little town called Carae."

I dislike this intro. It's one of the oldest mistakes in the book. I love your description of Carae but I feel you could but your introduction in more subtly without going "Hey my name is *insert name here* and I'm going to tell you a story."


message 18: by Lauren (new)

Lauren (djinni) Well, depends. I think anything goes in a book, as long as the feel is right.

Also, depends on how good the book is.


message 19: by The New Maria (new)

The New Maria (emeraldmaria) | 85 comments It's okay for like one thing, and that's if the book is supposed to be like a diary. Instead of a book really...


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