Fiction Writers discussion

Dejana's Writing > Injustice

Comments Showing 1-26 of 26 (26 new)    post a comment »
dateDown arrow    newest »

message 1: by Tiana (new)

Tiana Dalichov This is the beginning of a short story that I'm putting into a larger compilation (I hope!) someday to get published. Enjoy! Comment and let me know what you think! :)

The cobblestone walkway held no comfort for him as the bulky arms towed him toward the cold cell. He struggled against the arms, thrashed as they forced him into the deepest abyss, but his efforts meant little.
The cool, marble wall came in contact with his face as he was shoved mercilessly into the cell, the uneven stones cutting into his skin. The burly man followed him inside, his large physique slightly intimidating in the darkness. The boy tried to run, but a punch in the stomach stopped him in his tracks. His legs buckled underneath him, sending him to the ground once more.
“Sorry,” the guard said as he fastened the chains to the young man’s wrists. “You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time, kid. Such a shame destroyin’ a good kid like you.”
The young man thrashed wildly, his eyes yearning for an escape.
“You can’t do this. . .” he pleaded desperately, angrily, through the bars separating him from the guard. The chains pulled him back against the cold stones, knocking the air from his lungs as he glared at the man.
“Ha! You think it was my idea? Regardless, kid, you ain’t ever gonna break those chains. You’ll never make it outta here. That’s our job; to make sure you don’t make it out alive.”
His silvery hair fell about his eyes as he walked away, cackling maniacally.
The young man sighed in defeat, falling into the prison of the chains.
But another noise startled him—a soft moaning erupted from the other end of the cell—and he stood upright again.
He turned his head, and there, chained to the other side of the cell, was a young woman. She looked about his age, with long slender legs, beautiful black hair, and gentle eyes. Her hair was in disarray, the strands tangling among themselves as they struggled to get away from her face.
She wore a huge football jersey, but nothing more. Her feet were bare, her legs exposed, but the jersey was long enough to serve as a dress for her. The young man’s eyes moved from her face down, examining everything about her. After all, this might be the last human he would ever see. Fear coursed through him at a deafening pace as he realized he might not make it out of this place alive.
As he looked at her legs again, he noticed that they were newly shaven, shining beautifully, impossibly, in the darkness of the cell. His first assumption was the Prom, one of the stupidest, most pointless traditions in the history of education. He then looked at her arms again, and had not noticed until now. There were fine, scarlet lines tracing across her arm down its entire length, some of them trailing red to the veins at her wrist, some scarred and puckered a sickly reddish yellow.
Her slender body was shaking uncontrollably now, moving the chains as her muscles lost control.
Then he finally recognized her.
He had seen her before.
She was a senior at his school—the smart, beautiful, reserved one that no one talked to. She skipped school for months on end, and he had looked for her, searched for her in her absence. Her brother was the running-back on the football team, the greatest thing that had happened to the school since the new football stadium.
She was overlooked, unimportant, despite the numerous awards she had won for her academic and artistic excellence. None of that mattered.
That explained the red lines, the young man reasoned in his head.
He gazed past the horrifying cuts on her arms and the strangled mess that was her hair and asked, “Has he does anything to you? Has he hurt you?”
Her eyes looked up at him in surprise. Her voice was but a whisper, “N-not yet. But he keeps threatening me. He wants to . . .” she trailed off in uncertainty, her voice shaking more than her body.
“Hey,” the young man whispered comfortingly. “Just relax. Take your time, and tell me.”

message 2: by [deleted user] (new)

Dejana wrote: "This is the beginning of a short story that I'm putting into a larger compilation (I hope!) someday to get published. Enjoy! Comment and let me know what you think! :)

The cobblestone walkway he..."

Wonderful! Iloved it!

message 3: by Lydia (new)

Lydia (somewhere-only-we-know) | 106 comments OOOOOH! I loooooooove this! When are you planning on writing more?

message 4: by Tiana (new)

Tiana Dalichov @ Robin Thank you! :)

@ Lydia I'm writing more of it right now! And thanks! :)

message 5: by Tiana (new)

Tiana Dalichov Here's some more! Let me know what you think! :)

“Okay,” she breathed, closing her eyes. She breathed deeply for a few moments, and finally opened her eyes to stare at him. “He threatens to make me his. He scares me—the way he talks about being the first—how it makes him powerful . . .” she trailed off again, but this time she was interrupted by the young man’s determined whisper.
“No,” he whispered slowly, looking into her gentle eyes. “I won’t let it happen. I’m going to get you out of here.” He felt a warm feeling creep inside him as he looked at this person who had a future . . . unlike him.
They both jumped at the sound of approaching footsteps, and both cringed as the guard walked up to the cell bars, peeking through with his sickening beady eyes. He took out a hair pin and, with intricate precision, tossed it to the girl’s feet.
“Get your hair up!” he shouted. “I ain’t gonna like havin’ your hair in my face.” He threw another comment over his shoulder as he walked away. “Make yourself somewhat presentable for me. I’ll be back in five minutes.”
The young man chained to the bars felt his stomach wretch as he realized he only had five minutes to save them both. That comment made him unutterably sick.
He looked at the girl and said, “Give it here.”
“What?” she whispered back. “Why?”
“Because if you do, I can get you out of here.” His eyes seemed to shine as he gazed hopefully toward the girl. She kicked her slender foot so gracefully she could have been an angel, and the pin slid across the stone floor to land at his feet. His hands worked nimbly with the pin, and within seconds the chains fell to the floor with a clatter.
His head moved to look toward the cell bars, but no approaching footsteps sounded. So the guard hadn’t heard them . . .
He ran lithely over to the girl, and used the hair pin to undo her own chains. She watched him as he did this, her face inches from his as he worked in the dark to pick the locks. The curious look on her face somewhat puzzled him.
“What?” he asked. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
She ignored his questions and posed her own. “What’s your name?”
He was surprised by the simplicity of this question, but replied nonetheless.
“Cole.” Only thirty seconds left… “You need to look like you’re still chained. Here.” He fiddled with the chains until she looked the way she had moments before, and he quickly ran back to his corner of the cell, wrapping the chains loosely around his hands and feet. They made no sound as the guard approached again.
There was a bang on the cell door, and the deep voice bellowed, “C’mon honey, it’s time.” The door opened and the light of the torch he was carrying illuminated the darkness. Then a sudden gasp of anger erupted from his mouth.
“Didn’t I tell ya to put up yer hair?” With hands of fury he ran toward her, propping the torch on its stand. She jumped, moving the chains with her as she backed herself into the corner. The guard followed her, blocking her path of escape. Her furtive eyes searched for Cole and found his chains empty.

message 6: by [deleted user] (new)

Dejana wrote: "@ Robin Thank you! :)

@ Lydia I'm writing more of it right now! And thanks! :)"


message 7: by Lydia (new)

Lydia (somewhere-only-we-know) | 106 comments Dejana wrote: "Here's some more! Let me know what you think! :)

“Okay,” she breathed, closing her eyes. She breathed deeply for a few moments, and finally opened her eyes to stare at him. “He threatens to make m..."

I loooooooooove this story Dejana!

message 8: by Tiana (new)

Tiana Dalichov :D That's so awesome to hear! I'm posting more right now!

message 9: by Tiana (new)

Tiana Dalichov Near the torch, his skin iridescent in its shine, Cole stood, holding the gleaming torch above the guard’s head.
The guard’s angry eyes forced her to sink further into the stone wall, and as she saw Cole speaking mutely to her, she played along with understanding.
“Well, everyone else tells me I look better with my hair down, so I thought you would, too—”
She was interrupted by screams, and the smell of burning flesh took over her senses. She clasped Cole’s hand and they ran with their backs turned on the guard as he burned fifty feet behind them.
It took them a while to calm down and stop running; Cole wanted to make sure the guard hadn’t followed them.
“Well that was nasty . . . and gross,” he whispered as he felt stomach acid creeping into his mouth.
“Yeah, it was,” she replied, letting go of his hand. She looked away, her eyes searching for something in the desolate hallway that stretched forever in both directions.
Cole suddenly realized something and asked, “You never told me your name. If we’re never gonna get out of here, I think I should know your name. You know . . . in case we get separated or something.”
She looked at him somewhat skeptically. Her eyes searched and searched for further implications behind his simple request to know her name, but none arose. Her eyes tilted to look at the ground in shame, her head going with it.
“Eileen. My mother…I swear…she was a crack head. She gave me a name from a song playing when her water broke. I hate it. I’m ashamed of it.”
“Don’t be,” he interrupted gently, tilting her head up to look into his eyes. “It’s a beautiful name. It suits you.” He smiled, and she found it impossible not to return that gesture. She felt the muscles in her face move in a pleasing way, creating sensations within her that made no sense to her.
“Thanks,” she muttered, and the blood rushing to her cheeks made Cole smile again.
“No problem,” he replied. “Now, let’s get going and get you out of here.”
Her reply was so loud in the silence that he jumped when he heard her sharp answer. “No.”
He moved back a step and looked at her in surprise.
“My brother is here,” she said dreamily, almost as though she was in some sort of trance as she looked into Cole’s eyes. “He’s here somewhere. We have to find him. Please?” she almost begged.
She made her way backwards, trailing back the way they had come and went down the only set of stairs. Cole followed her obediently, watching as she felt along the walls with a finesse he had never seen in her before. She knew where he was. She knew how to find him. How long had she been in this place anyway?
It took them awhile—after hours of searching through endless labyrinths of hallways and corridors—to finally find the room. Inside the dark, small room was a table, and upon it, a young man, slightly older than Cole, was unconscious.
“That’s him,” Eileen whispered to Cole as she fiddled with the lock. It came undone easily, and she walked into the cell to look at her brother. There was only a single chain connecting him to the table, but it wrapped around his body like the tendrils of hell, trapping him in every way, offering him no solace or escape.

message 10: by Lydia (new)

Lydia (somewhere-only-we-know) | 106 comments Wow! I cannot tell you how much I love this story! You're so descriptive and there's already so much emotion in the characters and we're not even that far into the story yet :D

message 11: by [deleted user] (new)

wow, what a story

message 12: by Tiana (new)

Tiana Dalichov Here's even more! :)

Eileen rushed to him, her fingers coupled at his throat to check for his pulse. Her touch stirred him back into consciousness, and he looked up confusedly into her face. After a moment, he recognized the face of his beloved sister. Her hand latched onto his from under the chains, and he said in a dusty, ragged voice, “Thank God you’re alive.”
Cole’s patience—and sense of danger—was growing thin. He told Eileen to move aside, and she complied willingly, leaving the pathway clear for him.
Her brother watched them in amazement, and Cole took out a knife from his pocket, its blade gleaming threateningly. He started walking toward Eileen’s brother with the knife outstretched to cut at the chains. The football star’s voice shouted at him in fear, crying at him to stop.
“What?” Cole asked in agitation.
“Please,” her brother said passionately, “Go ahead. You can kill me if you want, but please don’t harm my little sister. Take her home.”
After a moment of strained silence, Cole and Eileen both laughed in unison, a beautiful bass ringing with the chimes of a soprano.
Eileen explained as she tried to stifle her laughter as it rang off the walls. “Stevie, Cole won’t hurt you. He’s here to help me get you out of here.”
“Oh,” he replied stupidly as Cole began fiddling with the chains. He found a chain that was chipped halfway through and cut through it with the knife. Within seconds, the entire chain fell apart, leaving Steve free of imprisonment.
Soon enough, they were heading back the way they had come, running through the hallway and up the only set of stairs.
Stevie tapped Cole on the shoulder as they walked, and Cole turned around expectantly.
“Yeah?” he asked.
“Hey, I just want to say thanks. You know, for everything. You saved my sister and you saved me. So thanks.” Cole simply smiled.
“That’s what friends are for,” he answered simply, and his eyes looked ahead of him to where Eileen walked, her legs so lithe and quiet as they stalked secretly through the labyrinth.
They caught up to her, Stevie on her left side, Cole on the right. They eventually came to an edge, and all of them sat down with grunts or sighs of exhaustion.
“God, I’m hungry,” Stevie muttered as he stretched on the cold ground.
Eileen nodded, but said nothing, and Cole just leaned back against the wall. He had eaten before he was thrown into this place, but Eileen and Stevie weren’t so lucky.
“How long have you guys been down here?” Cole asked as he picked up a small stone and felt it with his fingers.

message 13: by Lydia (new)

Lydia (somewhere-only-we-know) | 106 comments Love it! ^^
Question: is her brother younger?

message 14: by Tiana (new)

Tiana Dalichov @Lydia Thanks! And her brother is a year older than she is, but she always calls him Stevie because they were really close as kids. :)

message 15: by Tiana (new)

Tiana Dalichov Here's some more!

Eileen looked at him for a moment, as did Stevie.
“A little over two days I think,” Eileen answered. “Prom was Saturday . . .”
“So three days,” Cole finished. “Today’s Tuesday.”
“We both went to the Prom, but you know how the food can be at places like that,” Stevie said glumly. “And they don’t give you anything here. Not even water,” he trailed off, suddenly thirsty.
“Well, wait,” Cole interjected. “How’d you guys get thrown in here?”
Eileen shuddered.
“It was the night of the Prom. I don’t remember what happened.” Stevie answered for her.
“We woke up separated. I was chained to that table, and she was wherever you found her.” His stomach growled so loudly that Cole chuckled.
“Ha,” he said quietly, smiling as he closed his eyes.
Eileen crossed her legs and began sketching designs with a rock into the stone floor, while Stevie sat there doing nothing, fiddling through his pockets to see what he had with him.
His driver’s license, a broken mirror, a few packets of Skittles.
Stevie gasped at his finding, and Cole’s eyes opened widely at the sound. Eileen’s brother held up the packets triumphantly.
“Forgot I had these,” he explained. “Bought them on our way home before. . .” he trailed off soberly, looking at Eileen with a strange emotion that Cole didn’t comprehend. Stevie divided the two packs up into three equal portions, and they ate. All of them except Cole. He gave his to Eileen with a kind smile, and Stevie gave half of his away to her.
“We should probably keep moving,” Cole said suddenly, remembering that the guard must be following them. Eileen sighed as she stood up, and Stevie stood up after her. He swayed unsteadily and made contact with the wall.
“Stevie,” Cole said quietly. “Are you okay?”
Stevie nodded slowly. “Yeah. Blood rush, that’s all. Let’s keep going.”
Eileen watched her brother the entire time as he struggled to walk in a straight line. Her eyes danced from Cole to her brother and back, worry clouding her beautiful irises.
She continually asked him if he was okay, and he would shove her off.
“Stevie, come on. You haven’t walked in a straight line for more than two seconds. You need to rest.”
“No,” he ordered against her. “I want you out of here. I don’t care about me. As long as you get out, I’ll be happy.”
They kept walking, Stevie stumbling inaudibly against the walls as they groped in the darkness. They thought he was getting better, able to hold himself up. That was when he collapsed.
“Stevie!” Eileen cried, rushing to his side. Cole came up from behind her, deftly putting his fingers to Stevie’s throat. Finding nothing, he moved his fingers to the inside of Steve’s wrist.
He looked to Eileen, and shook his head.
“No,” she murmured, looking at Steve, whose eyes were closed in peace. “No Stevie. No, no, no, no . . .” she fell on her brother’s corpse and began to weep for him. Every time Cole tried to pry her from the body of her brother, she clung to Stevie still tighter, burying her head in his shoulder.

message 16: by Lydia (new)

Lydia (somewhere-only-we-know) | 106 comments :OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


I love that the story practically JUST started an I'm already like.........:O!! Woah!

message 17: by Tiana (new)

Tiana Dalichov hahaha :) I'm so glad you're enjoying it! I'll post some more! :) Btw, just curious...what do you think killed him??

message 18: by Tiana (new)

Tiana Dalichov “Eileen, please,” Cole said quietly. “Mourning for him won’t help us now.”
She looked at him with shocked eyes.
“How can you say that?” she accused. “He wasn’t your brother!”
“Eileen,” Cole began, but he trailed off as her tears started again, overflowing onto her brother’s face.
“Just go on without me,” she said through her tears. “I’ll stay with my brother.”
Cole shook his head as soon as she started speaking.
“Hell no, Eileen. Remember what your brother said to you?” She looked away from the face of her sleeping brother into Cole’s eyes. “He wanted you to get out of here. I have to get you out of here. I promised him. If you stay here, his death will have been for nothing.”
She just stared at him for a few moments, her hands clutching her brother. After a moment or two of silence, she kissed her brother’s forehead.
“Goodbye, Steven,” she murmured, releasing her clutch on his arms. She stood up and turned her back on him. “I’m sorry.”
Cole watched as she began to walk forward, her eyes glassy and unfocused. She looked like a machine, a brainless, lifeless machine . . .
He followed her just as mechanically, not sure whether or not it mattered at this point if he made it out of this place alive. What was the point of struggling to survive in these tunnels when there was no way out?
Cole’s spirits were slightly lifted, however, as the appearance of the tunnels began to change. The darkness was evaporating, leaving the tunnels lighter; brighter than they were five minutes before. The square hallways slowly morphed into circular, sewage-like pipes, large enough for the two of them to walk through without difficulty.
The walls of the circular hallways were bare, the only indication of an exit coming from the small black river under their feet. It intrigued them, this small river of water that flowed past them. They walked through it for a few seconds, and that was when the smell struck them.
“Cole,” Eileen began, and Cole nodded.
“We’re close,” he answered.
“What’s that smell? Is that gasoline? But then where are the cars? I don’t hear any traffic . . .” Eileen’s frightened eyes looked at Cole, and in synchronization, both of them gazed at the river under their feet.
“There’re no cars,” Cole answered, his vision blurring. “Eileen, this is a river of liquid gasoline.” He bent down and stuck his finger into the river. He put that finger to his nose and nodded. “Yep. That’s definitely gasoline. We must be getting close then. Maybe there’s a gas station somewhere near here.”
Eileen nodded hopefully as he wiped his hands on his pants and turned to look at her. Cole’s arms stretched out to embrace her, and her arms locked under his shoulders. The moment their arms were safely around one another, a sudden purge of the gasoline startled Cole. The river was suddenly deeper, and he went down in what looked like and felt like slow motion, taking Eileen with him.
Cole’s head fell with unbelievable force and crashed into the wall of the tunnel, blood spewing and curdling in the gasoline. Eileen held her nose to drive out the disgusting scent of Cole’s blood mixed in with the gasoline.
He gasped and grunted several times as the gasoline seeped into the inch-deep laceration in his skull. Eileen’s eyes darted immediately to his t-shirt.
“Cole, stay with me,” she murmured. “You can’t leave me yet. Stay with me.”
Cole’s answering scream tore Eileen in half as she ripped part of his shirt off. His body was twisted in an unnatural way, the bones all colliding with one another in futile attempts to put him back together.

message 19: by Lydia (new)

Lydia (somewhere-only-we-know) | 106 comments Wait! I'm a little confused......What hit him!? Like a wave of gas?????

My prediction....prob that he was poisoned or maybe tortured or idk something else like that.

message 20: by Tiana (new)

Tiana Dalichov Haha you were close! Since we're such good friends I'll tell you ;) Stevie suffered a brain bleed because of the drugs pumped into him the night he got thrown into the jail. His weakened condition caused the bleed to spread really fast.

And Cole lost his footing when the river sloped down. He tripped, lost his footing, and rammed his head into the curved wall of the tunnel. :O

Want some more???

message 21: by Lydia (new)

Lydia (somewhere-only-we-know) | 106 comments Ooh I was close! Hmmm that was my next guess ;D

Ohhhhhhhh! That would make more sense!! Lol!


message 22: by Tiana (new)

Tiana Dalichov Okay, here you go! And check my page! Another of my short stories is on there! :)

She continually dabbed the shirt to the wound on his head, but the blood poured faster than she could stop the flow.
“Cole,” she whispered. “You can’t leave me.”
His eyes opened slowly, the pupils looking everywhere for the sound of her voice. He couldn’t see her…
“Eileen,” he sighed, a smile spreading across his face.
“I’m here,” she said, taking his injured head in her hands. Her touch was so gentle that he didn’t flinch. If anything, he leaned into her hold, encouraging her to help him see her beautiful eyes.
She felt the tears coming. She bit her lip as she looked at his beautiful face, only more beautiful with the blood staining it.
“Eileen,” he said again, reaching his hand out toward her. It moved blindly, despite the clear appearance in his eyes. “You’re a beautiful person. I’ve always loved you. I’ve seen you in school. And I always worried when you’d disappear for months at a time . . .”
He trailed off, his breathing ragged.
“No,” Eileen contradicted, clutching his hand tighter. “You are not leaving me. You can’t.”
He ignored her, finally bringing his hand to catch her face. His fingers caressed the skin, leaving burning reminders that she would never feel that ever again.
“My last wish is for you to get out of here. Make it out. You know the way now . . .”
Eileen began shaking her head. Almost as if he really could see her, Cole began to nod his. “It’s not fair,” she protested, leaning her face to touch his. He smiled at the contact, and his breathing slowed.
“Thank you,” Eileen breathed into his ear. “You’ve helped me so much. Shown me the way. No, not the way out,” she said as he pointed vaguely in the direction she was to go. “You have shown me the way to finding myself. I’ve been lost for so long. You’re the only one who’s treated me like a person and I’ve come to love you.” She leaned into his face once more, and touched her lips to his.
The tears began to pour as his head fell slack, leaning away from the kiss.
“No,” she murmured again, sobbing into his chest. “Please don’t leave me here . . . Please, you can’t . . .” she trailed off in tears as his hand fell out of hers, limp and lifeless.
She knelt there beside him in the river of black gasoline, sobbing for the only love she had ever had, only to have it slip away too soon.
It took at least an hour for her to come to grips with Cole’s death, and she stood up, once again, walking away like a machine.
She almost didn’t see the ladder that led up to the street when she came to it. The dead end had her panicking, until she finally realized the answer was right in front of her. She climbed the ladder with her last ounce of strength, and heaved the metal lid leading to the street aside. She crawled out, sprawling her slender body on the cold pavement of the neighborhood street.
As her weary eyes examined her surroundings, she finally realized where she was. She was in her neighborhood, about two streets from her house. The trailer park—she remembered back to experiences in there—was to her right, and the house where she lived with her father was two streets to the left. She recognized the street.
This was where she sold fundraisers—unsuccessfully, she admitted to herself—and the house just to her left was the residence of a cop.
She got on her feet slowly, letting the blood flow back into her legs before she ran toward the cop’s front door.

message 23: by Lydia (new)

Lydia (somewhere-only-we-know) | 106 comments WHAT!? HE DIED!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

message 24: by Tiana (new)

Tiana Dalichov This is one of my morbid stories haha so yes. If you want to read the rest, you can find it on my author page thing :)

message 25: by Lydia (new)

Lydia (somewhere-only-we-know) | 106 comments I will def do that! ;D

message 26: by Tiana (new)

Tiana Dalichov Good! :) Read the other ones too if you'd like :) I appreciate any and all feedback!

back to top