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Anthony Carbis
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message 1: by Anthony (last edited Feb 15, 2012 12:43AM) (new)

Anthony Carbis (anthonycarbis1tesconet) | 12 comments Hi. I live in the U.K.. I have acouple of books on Kindle, one of which is humorous. I thought I would contribute a couple of pieces from my tongue-in-cheek diary. I hope somebody finds it amusing. If so please let me know.

My Tongue-in-cheek Diary. Day 1.

This morning I fancied doing a bit of D.I.Y. on the guttering. A piece of it was hanging loose after being battered by the coastal winds and, as the butler was still away on his groundsman's course, I thought I'd have a go at it instead of making him do it.

The guttering on my house is about fifty feet off the ground, as there are four floors in the place with fifteen or so large rooms to each floor. Even a pleb could discern from this information that I do not live cheap and that my standing in the community is far from lowly.

Having shinned up the drainpie ( for I am fit for my age - a fact that I put down to my exercising regularly by going for a ten minute stroll around the perimeter of the house twice a week ) I reached up towards where the broken piece of rusted guttering was swinging back and forth in the wind. Unfortunately, the metal wasn't rusted through quite as much as I had judged it would be, so that when I tugged on it the broken piece refused to break free.
Not to be beaten, I decided to climb up on the roof and attack the guttering from above where I felt I could get more leverage. However, unbeknown to me, a second moment of misfortune was destined to come my way. As I lay face down upon the roof with my feet pointing up towards one of the many chimney stacks and my face looking down at the broken guttering with the ground some fifty feet below, I felt myself slide suddenly forwards.

At this point in my tale, I feel I should point out that I never dress in more than a silk dressing gown in anything other than the coldest weather. This fact proved to be not to my advantage, as I suddenly found myself clinging upside-down to the drainpipe that I had so nimbly climbed not a minute before. Sod's law then dictated that a third episode of bad luck was about to come my way.

As I clung on upside down with my face towards the wall and my legs entwined around the piping, the tie around my dressing gown dropped loose, thereby allowing the whole garment to freefall down as far as my armpits. Everything from my carpet slippers to my upper back was now laid bare to the world - my buttocks and nether regions taking the full force of the wind coming across from Westcliff.
Needless to say, I yelled for assistance - my cries and shouts continuing for a full half an hour or more. This, of course, was all to no avail, as the grounds to my premises are so huge my nearest neighbours are a mile away.

After an hour of this torment I began to cry like a baby - a situation that continued until my wife arrived home and duly phoned for the local fire brigade to come and get me down, which they eventually did after they had indulged themselves in much pointing and laughing.
How do you spend your mornings?

My Tongue-in-cheek Diary Day 2.

This afternoon I took advantage of the sunshine. I decided to spend a while surveying the grounds from my chair outside the pavillion I had erected near to the ten-acre maze. Looking through the binoculars, I could clearly see the postman entering the drive on his bike, so I immediately unleashed the Dobermen. The two dogs had been trained as pups to retrieve the daily mail from the postie and I knew they would cover the mile, or so, between them and him in but a minute.

I placed my Martini on the table next to my doughnut and swung the binoculars around, in order to peruse the area of the lake where the Canadian Geese were drifting amiably along by the bank. Having spent a moment checking on their welfare, I diverted my attention back in the direction of the postie who, I noticed, was now lying on his back with both arms held defensively across his face. The dogs were tearing at his arms and torso without mercy and, to my horror, I noticed that they were making no attempt to retrieve the mail, which lay scattered around the flailing figure. Normally, I would have called for the butler to go and fetch the undelivered correspondence but refrained from summoning him, as I knew him to be away on a painting and decorating course.

Sighing with the frustration of knowing that I would be kept waiting some while for my mail, I bit angrily into my doughnut and quaffed back the rest of my Martini. Folding my arms across my stomach, I put my head back and nodded off. How do you spend your afternoons?

message 2: by Lady (new)

Lady (bestnewfantasyseries) | 78 comments Good tales, Anthony...LOL. I have a strong British background (although am a Canadian) so these particularly tickled me.

Poor British posties..they do take it in the neck sometimes..LOL

How do you get Canadian Geese over there? Just pondering..


message 3: by Anthony (new)

Anthony Carbis (anthonycarbis1tesconet) | 12 comments Hi Lady. Thanks for responding to my nonsense. As regards Canadian Geese, I heard a song by George Harrison that mentioned Canadian Geese in connection with the River Thames (he had a house near the river).
Nice to speak with a fellow author.

message 4: by Lady (new)

Lady (bestnewfantasyseries) | 78 comments Ah..I see...Ol' George. Would be interesting to know how that happened. They definitely are ornery critters..but to fly the Atlantic? That WOULD be something. Maybe some Canadian made a present of them to some royalty..and crated them over..LOL

Welcome..lovely to chat with you, too.


message 5: by Anthony (new)

Anthony Carbis (anthonycarbis1tesconet) | 12 comments I spoke to my wife, who normally remembers far more than I do, and she thinks we have the geese over here, along with grey squirrels that we didn't used to have and one or two other creatures. I guess that just about everything's going international these days.

message 6: by Lady (new)

Lady (bestnewfantasyseries) | 78 comments Hahaha..I guess. Must have been a gift. We have a ton of them where I live, buy the lake in Toronto...

They can be incredibly messy and quite aggressive when they group together...


message 7: by Stephen (new)

Stephen Pearl (stephenp11) | 272 comments I'm from Hamilton Ontario and have we got geese. I don't know if either of you ever watch the show pithon hunters but it's all about invasive species. A big one over here are wild pigs. These things have reverted back into the wild boors of mid-evil Eurip fame, they even have tusks after a couple of generations.

message 8: by Lady (new)

Lady (bestnewfantasyseries) | 78 comments No, didn't know about the wild pigs. Sheesh! I'm in Oakville, Stephen and the geese on the lake front are murderous! The chase after small kids and will not budge out of people's way when we try to walk the boardwalk beside the lake.

Not to mention REALLY messy birds. Crazy..

message 9: by Stephen (new)

Stephen Pearl (stephenp11) | 272 comments It got so bad here the RBG had to start a 'Don't feed the geese' campain. They were destroying the habitat at some of the nature areas. If we could just convince people to stop feeding them the populations would normalise though I admit to having been guilty of feeding them myself before I knew what a problem they were. Starlings are another invader from Eurip as is the English sparrow. Humans, the most distructive species on the planet, we brought them all here. :-)

message 10: by Lady (new)

Lady (bestnewfantasyseries) | 78 comments Yeah..we've got the 'Do Not Feed' signs up now too. Just shows what happens when people-kind get into the mix of nature. Never good.

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