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Apologies/Revenge
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I'd like to take revenge on Paul Fitzgerald of Portland, Oregon. He is a sick man. A sick psychopath of the alcoholic, manipulative, and abusive strain. I hate him. No, loathe. I'd like to make him hurt, publicly and painfully.
David, is Mrs. Dewent the one teacher at Holy Cross?Sally, WOW! Is Paul Fitzgerald someone with whom you were personally involved? Dang!
Apologies:
Dear nerds of middle school,
I'm sorry. While I was always pretty nice to you face to face, I made a huge mockery of you behind your backs. I made up songs about you. I imitated you to the delight of my friends. I picked you as the loser choice when playing MASH. I even sat on Brandon Briscoe's lap and Mikey Meggy's lap as a dare/photo op. I feel bad every time I see this picture, though I've got to admit that it doesn't look like Mikey minds very much.
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Dear Mom and Dad,
I'm sorry I lied to you 89315727532985723 times in my adolescence. I'm sorry I was not safely at a friends house most nights, but rather putting myself in very dangerous situations. I'm sorry I wore your new shirt and left it at a skeezy guy's house, dad. And never told you when you wondered where it went. Sorry about the times I drank and drove. Sorry about that time you found my journal mom--must've hurt to see me write about doing acid and giving blow jobs (though you shouldn't have read it). Sorry about that party where your house got thrashed. Sorry about driving dad's truck that one time when I was 14. SORRY! YOU WERE REALLY GOOD PARENTS! I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU COULD HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY! Sorry I got in stranger's cars that I met at keggers in the woods. Sorry!!!!!!
Dear nerds of middle school,
I'm sorry. While I was always pretty nice to you face to face, I made a huge mockery of you behind your backs. I made up songs about you. I imitated you to the delight of my friends. I picked you as the loser choice when playing MASH. I even sat on Brandon Briscoe's lap and Mikey Meggy's lap as a dare/photo op. I feel bad every time I see this picture, though I've got to admit that it doesn't look like Mikey minds very much.
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Dear Mom and Dad,
I'm sorry I lied to you 89315727532985723 times in my adolescence. I'm sorry I was not safely at a friends house most nights, but rather putting myself in very dangerous situations. I'm sorry I wore your new shirt and left it at a skeezy guy's house, dad. And never told you when you wondered where it went. Sorry about the times I drank and drove. Sorry about that time you found my journal mom--must've hurt to see me write about doing acid and giving blow jobs (though you shouldn't have read it). Sorry about that party where your house got thrashed. Sorry about driving dad's truck that one time when I was 14. SORRY! YOU WERE REALLY GOOD PARENTS! I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU COULD HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY! Sorry I got in stranger's cars that I met at keggers in the woods. Sorry!!!!!!
Montambo, you are a genius.What's MASH?
Mikey looks thrilled, by the way...
It's a future predictor game.
What will you end up doing as a job? Who will you marry? What car will you drive? Where will you live?
MASH stands for the four housing choices: Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House. The shack is the loser choice, and there is a loser choice in each category. You'd have to pick four guys and one of them would have to be a loser.
You didn't play MASH?! I thought it was universal.
What will you end up doing as a job? Who will you marry? What car will you drive? Where will you live?
MASH stands for the four housing choices: Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House. The shack is the loser choice, and there is a loser choice in each category. You'd have to pick four guys and one of them would have to be a loser.
You didn't play MASH?! I thought it was universal.
I want a ZoomMobile. I'm sick of being late for choir! Are they only available in Oregon?
Hahaha! The ugliest, stupidest shit gets hung up in schools.
I want revenge on:
Amy Chevraux, my childhood best frienemy, who was EVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mrs. Cutsforth for humiliating me on the first day of fourth grade.
Mrs. Crane, for not believing that it wasn't me who wrote "I love Chris" on a chair in lipstick, and dumping my ESPRIT bag on the floor in front of everyone to look for the lipstick/evidence. I didn't even love Chris!!!!!!!!!
Red Hot Chili Peppers for creating the song, "Aeroplane."
Louis Gomez for groping me in the back of that truck on the way home from the football game even though I used all the force in my drunken body to push him off me again and again.
That mom who punched a kindergarten boy, Daniel, in the face before school one day.
Cigarettes! FUCK YOU, CIGARETTES!!!!!
Amy Chevraux, my childhood best frienemy, who was EVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mrs. Cutsforth for humiliating me on the first day of fourth grade.
Mrs. Crane, for not believing that it wasn't me who wrote "I love Chris" on a chair in lipstick, and dumping my ESPRIT bag on the floor in front of everyone to look for the lipstick/evidence. I didn't even love Chris!!!!!!!!!
Red Hot Chili Peppers for creating the song, "Aeroplane."
Louis Gomez for groping me in the back of that truck on the way home from the football game even though I used all the force in my drunken body to push him off me again and again.
That mom who punched a kindergarten boy, Daniel, in the face before school one day.
Cigarettes! FUCK YOU, CIGARETTES!!!!!
We played a game called MASH. You drew army units on a piece of graph paper and you could move them around depending on what kind of unit they were. It was like a low-tech combination of chess and checkers, but way cooler. I forget what MASH stood for but the A was "army man" and the H was "helicopter".
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I'm sick of being late for choir!What now, Dave? Explain.
Look at the sign on the wall in my Mikey Meggy photo.
No way, KD. If I could get the members of Red Hot Chili Peppers to catch some vicious and relentless ear worms, I'd do it in a second.
I'm rubber and you're glue, so when you called me small-minded and petty, it bounced off of me and stuck to you!
I'm sorry Kathy for making out with your boyfriend in 2002 while you were on tour. He never stopped loving you, if it's any consolation. Karma has repaid me many-fold.I'm sorry Shana for saying I could never be friends with a pregnant girl. You're a better person than I ever was and I shouldn't have judged you so harshly.
I'm sorry Christina for taking you for granted and for not knowing how to help you and for getting mad at you every day and for not telling you when I'm having trouble and for not being able to tell you I love you or be supportive at all ever.
I'd like to take revenge on the Peace Corps for stealing my boyfriend and ruining my life. And I want to take revenge on the North Carolina State Education Assistance Authority for charging me 10% for a college loan--I was only 17 and you took advantage of me!
Mod
Oh yeah! Okay. That was sweet when it got stuck right to you. It's a great trick.
Sally, is he a public figure or an everyman? I live in Portland, Oregon (sorta) and I want to steer clear.
Exactly!I think "Boing Fwip" is from Scrubs...
Oh, now I get the choir thing. I thought maybe Dave was secretly a baritone in the San Diego Symphony choir or something...
Mod
He is sick. If you meet him, run, run, run.
"Typical everyman" is a redundancy. ;)RA: I'm a tenor, thank you.
I'm an alto.
Thanks, Sally. I'll look out for Paul. Sorry you're getting the grammar police attacking this week! Dave, you and what army?
Thanks, Sally. I'll look out for Paul. Sorry you're getting the grammar police attacking this week! Dave, you and what army?
Mod
I especially like to say, "you and what army" when it doesn't really make sense.
Ok, I'm sorry. I think choices A-L in RA's original post apply to me.Sarah, I know you are, but what am I?
I'm sorry for writing, "Amy Rieder is a 7th grader fondler" on the art table in high school.
I'm sorry for making Sister Pat's life hell in eighth grade. She was trying to be a good teacher and I just fucked around all year. And I was kind of a ringleader.I'm sorry for fucking around in Friday's meeting, too, when one of my friends was speaking to the group. But I'm not that sorry. She'd do the same to me.
I'm sorry for stealing whippets from my work and doing them in the backroom.
At school? Please tell me it was at school. Because that would make for some interesting read-alouds...
No. In my early college years, I worked at a kitchen store.
I was depressed. I loved high school, you see.
I'm sorry for making fun of people with bad wigs. But I still do. I just did Friday. I can't help myself.
Sarah, that boy whose lap you're sitting on looks like a Portland hipster.
Yes, well, now it's ironic to be a nerd. Notsomuch in 1990.
I'm sorry, Stephanie Smith, for stealing your boyfriend. Twice. I didn't set out to do it; I was just too intoxicated by the male attention, which I did not receive often, to remember the "sisters before misters" girl code.Only one of them was really your boyfriend anyway. I still say the other guy was fair game. But I never should have dated Jimmy.
I'm sorry, Tiffany A., for spreading the rumor that you were a dirty slut in 7th grade. I didn't start it, but I shouldn't have passed it on.
Sarah, that boy whose lap you're sitting on looks like a Portland hipster.Ha...I thought the same thing...he could be in Weezer or something:)
Or could be a young Steve Albini.
I'm sorry S for not knowing how to talk to you when shit got fucked up.I'm sorry Mommom for being scared and not saying hello to you for the five minutes you were awake in the hospital.
I'm sorry Dad for not telling you I was "going with" Kenny Thompson.
I'm sorry Kenny Thompson for never speaking to you because I was afraid my dad would find out we were "going together."
I'm sorry Copley for hurling you across the room. Please stay out of the kitchen from now on.
Anthony. I'm having the best time feeling all the catharsis of apologizing without actually having to apologize to anyone.
Just for clarification sake, I assume Copley is a cat or small dog and not a little kid, right?;)
Yup. Cat. He's impervious to pain, so don't feel too sorry for him, ok? I'd like to take revenge on Sarah Jon Coleman for asking me if I knew how to "write a check" when we were in 7th grade. I still have no idea what that means. I think she lives in Sacramento now--Sarah, could you take care of her for me? 4 slashed tires would suffice.
I'm sorry Ed I didn't hate you for what you did, and sorry you felt you had to jump out of the car at a stop sign to escape me (Oh the drama of being a teenager)Hey, I'm not a vengeful personl, but David E you know who you are, and what you deserve.
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On whom in your past would you like to get revenge?
I would like to apologize to Katerina for not helping her move. Although she could be a bitch sometimes, so it's a half-hearted apology.
I would like to get revenge on some of my high school teachers, all the "too cool" elitist types in the Chicago music scene, and two of my former colleagues from when I was a reading specialist.