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Am I the only one thinking this is weird? A cyber spouse to improve your marriage?

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message 1: by JanetTronstad (new)

JanetTronstad Author Tronstad | 2759 comments Mod
I just read an article on secrets to a successful marriage. This is one of the scenarios. It strikes me as adultery -- what do you think?

"I have a cyber husband."

Think one husband is too much to deal with? Try two. Rita Snyder*, 46, married her real-life husband a year ago, and is marrying her online boyfriend in Utherverse, a virtual online world similar to Second Life, this month. "I met [my online boyfriend] last fall, and we instantly had great chemistry," she says. "He's like a best friend who is always there when I need somebody to talk to. He makes me feel good and lifts my mood, which carries over into my real life."


Even so, Snyder doesn't see him as a threat to her real relationship. "My real-life husband is the greatest ever," she says. "He knows I only want him, and I do, in real life." The appeal of the cyber husband is that she gets to have a fantasy relationship with another man. They discuss real-life emotions in Internet chats and have a bond, which they don't have to worry about turning physical, since it all takes place online. One of the reasons her husband supports her online marriage is that he also plays the online game and has a cyber spouse. "We have complete trust in each other, and also have fun talking about the game and the people we encounter," she says. "I feel like I have the best of both worlds, and am so lucky to have met them and have each of them in my life."


message 2: by Judy (new)

Judy She should be having those heart to hearts with her real life husband. I agree that it is adultery also sounds like bigamy


message 3: by JanetTronstad (last edited Nov 07, 2011 10:22AM) (new)

JanetTronstad Author Tronstad | 2759 comments Mod
Judy -- I suppose it gets to the heart of what a marriage is. I hate to say we can't just define marriage sexually as that leaves loopholes, too, but ---- sheesh.

Would it make a difference if we were talking boyfriends instead of husbands here ( like you're in an 'exclusive' relationship with your boyfriend and have this cyber guy also)?


message 4: by Camille (new)

Camille (camlovesraptors) | 35 comments I don't think it would Janet. If you are in a committed relationship, you should be talking to him, boyfriend or husband. Not some online stranger. If you need someone else to talk to, isn't that what girlfriends are for? Or even therapists? Or your pastor?


message 5: by JanetTronstad (new)

JanetTronstad Author Tronstad | 2759 comments Mod
Good point, Camille. The whole thing strikes me as odd. Ii would even feel different about a real-life friend of the opposite sex that a woman happened to confide in (and that's dicey, too). But to plan it and have this whole other cyber life going is weird.


message 6: by Camille (new)

Camille (camlovesraptors) | 35 comments Yeah but you can have a male real-life friend that you chat with, or one that you tell all your secrets too. I think one you chat with might be ok as long as your boyfriend/husband knows him. But if you are unable to confide in your husband/boyfriend about anything, I would be worried about that relationship. At least, for me, I want a relationship where I want to tell my man things first...


message 7: by Judy (new)

Judy I agree that it would be like cheating on a boyfriend as well. Unbelievable!

That woman is 46 and has only been married for one year. It would be interesting to know what happened in her life before that marriage and if she is looking for a 2nd hubby after 1 year of marriage, there is no way to convince me she is happy with hubby #1.


message 8: by Camille (new)

Camille (camlovesraptors) | 35 comments I guess if some people want it for themselves, that's their call as adults who can make their own choices, but I'm with you Judy, in my life it'd be unacceptable. I wouldn't ever do it, nor would I be with a man who had some "cyber-wife." It is playing with fire! And to me it signals a problem in the real-life relationship...


message 9: by Judy (new)

Judy (sweetpeajudy) That just doesn't make any sense to me. You are playing with fire. This is most unacceptable!
I think they both are lacking reason! Why even bother getting married?


message 10: by Judy (new)

Judy My husband may be different than others but he is the one I talk to and confide in. I know what I tell him goes nowhere. It always bothered me to hear woman nag on their husbands to other women. I had a case like that and ended up I could not stand the man because I knew too much bad about him, so I put a stop to it and the wife no longer wanted my friendship if I would not listen how bad he was.


message 11: by Camille (new)

Camille (camlovesraptors) | 35 comments Oh yeah, that's hugely problematic if you only have complaints about your significant other... And it's inappropriate to use your girlfriends in that manner.


message 12: by Judy (new)

Judy Camille wrote: "Oh yeah, that's hugely problematic if you only have complaints about your significant other... And it's inappropriate to use your girlfriends in that manner."

Sadly I use to hear much at church gatherings, how bad hubby was with not bringing out the garbage, etc. For Pete's sake, I bring out our garbage why can't these girls help hubbies some instead of griping.


message 13: by Camille (new)

Camille (camlovesraptors) | 35 comments I honestly think people try to justify things like a cyber-relationship because "it's not really cheating if we're not having sex." But to me, that's blatantly wrong. There is more than one way to cheat: emotional and physical. And emotional cheating is just as devastating to a relationship as physical...

But yeah Judy, that would be frustrating. Sure we all get annoyed but complaining doesn't fix a problem (if there really is one). Sadly, too, some people like to complain just to complain. It's their way to get attention. :(


message 14: by Judy (new)

Judy Camille wrote: "I honestly think people try to justify things like a cyber-relationship because "it's not really cheating if we're not having sex." But to me, that's blatantly wrong. There is more than one way t..."

I think the emotional may even be stronger than the physical in ways. Physical is just lust in some situations. Emotional bonding is much stronger and love is built from that.

And how true that some just enjoy complaining. I don't really have friends around me to call. So Jerry is the only one I talk with.


message 15: by Camille (new)

Camille (camlovesraptors) | 35 comments I agree Judy, and I think you put it well. Emotional bonding is very strong.

I'm lucky to have several great girlfriends that I talk to consistently. And while currently I'm not in a relationship, when I was I would confide in him first, but sometimes if it was something unimportant I knew he wouldn't have much interest in (e.g., the adorable boots I saw while shopping) I'd tell my girlfriends instead. :)


message 16: by Ausjenny (new)

Ausjenny | 4953 comments this is interesting and immediately sounds so wrong. I have read recently about game playing online etc and wondering if its more just part of the game. But after rereading its not just that. It is so wrong and for both husband and wife to have cyber weddings is really strange.
If I ever got married I wouldn't want my spouse to have a cyber wife.


message 17: by JanetTronstad (last edited Nov 07, 2011 01:55PM) (new)

JanetTronstad Author Tronstad | 2759 comments Mod
I'm with you, Ausjenny. And I didn't even think about the weddings -- so what - do you invite your real spouse to your cyber wedding???? Or your cyber-only friends??? Or who??? Certainly not your mother.

Chuckling here -- I was just thinking -- maybe this is where the bride wears one of the black wedding dresses we've been talking about.


message 18: by Ausjenny (new)

Ausjenny | 4953 comments I guess if is cyber they could wear anything. wouldn't it be funny if they have married them spouse as being fantasy they probably use cyber names and avitars.


message 19: by JanetTronstad (new)

JanetTronstad Author Tronstad | 2759 comments Mod
Now, that sounds like the beginning of a romance novel, Ausjenny!


message 20: by Paula-O (new)

Paula-O (kyflo130) | 2257 comments I guess I am old fashioned but meeting folks on internet is not for me even if it is cyber, someone has to be playing the part of the one interacting with her, who is it???


message 21: by JanetTronstad (new)

JanetTronstad Author Tronstad | 2759 comments Mod
Paula, in the cyber marriage in the original example, it could be anyone. In fact this reminds me of something a friend told me once -- he was a man in his sixties and liked to go on the game sites and play something (was it Scrabble, maybe). Anyway, he couldn't get any of the old guys also on the site to play him so he changed his profile to a 40-year-old divorcee and put up a fake picture. They were all eager to play him then and he was happy until he realized they all wanted to stop the game too much 'and chat.' He said he had a hard time keeping his lies straight and he didn't want to chat at all -- he just wanted to play the game. I thought it was so very funny.


message 22: by Ausjenny (new)

Ausjenny | 4953 comments Janet thats funny for the 60 year old. In a book I read recently there are two that are into gaming more fantasy and Arthur legends and they end up emailing each other not knowing they are connected ofline also. they are not looking for romance just commenting on the fan stories that one is writing. Thats what I thought of here but this is different. They were not looking at it for romantic interests just more because one really liked the others fan fiction on a particular legend. I wont say the book as its not mentioned til a little way into the book and would give way to much away.
but having a cyber husband is just weird. with them both having a cyber spouse at least they both know what its all about but its still weird.


message 23: by Melody (new)

Melody | 2493 comments That's just wrong, plain and simple...


message 24: by JanetTronstad (new)

JanetTronstad Author Tronstad | 2759 comments Mod
It does strike me as oddly wrong, Melody. I mean, if you're going to be unfaithful to your spouse, at least have the honesty to do and think it's real (does that make sense? The odd thing is that somehow this is a game to these two people).


message 25: by Melody (new)

Melody | 2493 comments I think that it's terrible something like that can be 'justified' because it's online. I am shaking my head at this. No wonder what this world is in such the shape that it is, with scenarios like this... That just makes me sad really...


message 26: by Judy (new)

Judy I was talking to Jerry as we went out tonight. This world truly is corrupt and this is probably the least of things happening out there that we can't even imagine the things happening in our world. Although even back in the 80's we remembered we knew of couples who swapped with other couples. I know we became very uncomfortable around the one we knew after hearing that.


message 27: by Abby (new)

Abby (abbygaines) | 24 comments "Playing with fire" about sums it up. Referring to anyone else as your spouse, other than your real spouse, seems like divided loyalties.
Hey, one good man can be hard to find - if you've got him, don't waste time fooling around online :)


message 28: by JanetTronstad (new)

JanetTronstad Author Tronstad | 2759 comments Mod
Abby -- actually, I'm not so sure he's a 'good man' as he apparently has a cyber wife as well. The whole thing is nuts, in my opinion.


message 29: by Paula-O (new)

Paula-O (kyflo130) | 2257 comments Janet love the story of the older man wanting to play game on internet, Now I do play scrabble with my neice and we both chat a lot while playing.


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