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message 1: by Kim, Proud Queen of the Fat and Fabulous! (last edited Aug 28, 2012 08:18AM) (new)

Kim (mrsnesbitt) | 1031 comments Mod
I think it is safe to say that most of people at one time or another have had the blues. Mild depression that lasts for a few days or weeks, depending on what caused them, and then return to daily life all normal and whatnot. We all have heard the commercials for anti-depressants that are supposed to fix all of your problems and help you function like a person. We have all heard the cliches,the tired adages,the advice and much more from well meaning people who haven't got a flaming CLUE as to what you are going through.

What am I rambling about?

Those of us who do not need medical science to help us, but something we can't control to change. Those who are depressed because they are out of work,are not in a relationship (but want to be),those who are something different and their families refuse to understand,and the like.

I first started with mild depression in 5th grade, when most of us probably start with the usual pre-teen angst of growing up. I was the tallest (at the time) in my class, the biggest (always) and the only one who,at religious school who was not the faith of the rest of the class (Lutheran run school, I was raised United Church of Christ)so I was too different. Throw in the murder of a family friend's son who was my age and stir well.

By high school, I was certain,despite my friends'(some of whom I am still friends with now)efforts to tell me otherwise,that the world would have been better off without me. By adulthood, those feelings were still there, but since I had survived without any attempts to end my life, I felt that perhaps I had a good grip on things and that the worst was behind me.

Now, I grew up with a father that I lived in fear of until the day he died 10 years ago this New Year's Eve. I was terrified of which threat he would follow through on (and enough were to really instill this). I was threatened with having all of my things taken away from me (never mind that I had bought them with my own hard earned money) because if it was in his house, it belonged to him regardless. I lived in fear of finding locks changed, and my things in the street, also a place I was threatened with many times.

This convinced me that,along with my own mind, that I would not be missed if I was gone. I have learned to begin to forgive my dad, as I am finding that the way he raised me was the only way he knew how based on how he was raised, but it has taken me almost 10 years to get there. These realizations have helped me a little in trying to understand where my feelings of worthlessness and the like come from and how I can deal with them.

I still have my days where I feel that I am nothing and that no one would miss me. My boyfriend begs to differ, but on those days I am convinced that he could and should find somebody who will treat him better, love him more and who can offer him what I can't. He says that that is all piffle. But there are days that I feel that I am a lousy friend, a bad girlfriend, a burden, and a drain.

Everyday that goes by without working, hoping for an interview or the holy grail, an actual job, I feel less and less that I matter to anyone, that what I say here means nothing, that I am helping no one and that this whole thing is stupid.

Then I have the days that something small happens. I hold a door open for someone who acts like I just made their year,I make a cranky child laugh in a store, or somebody seems truly happy to see me. Then I wonder. I wonder how I could ever feel the way I did.

Food has helped in the past,and now that my thyroid is working the way it's supposed to, I find that food is no longer the comfort it once was, but I still use it anyway. I hoped exercise would help. maybe it has, but I still feel that the bad days are beginning to win. I don't want a pill, I want a job. I want to stop being a burden, I want to make a difference.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

I am tired of trying. I want to do.

I don't know what.

message 2: by Narzain (new)

Narzain | 194 comments *warm hugs*

Well said, my dear, very well said. And you will do; I don't know what either, but you'll find it (or it will find you).

message 3: by Kim, Proud Queen of the Fat and Fabulous! (new)

Kim (mrsnesbitt) | 1031 comments Mod
I am still struggling with this depression and I feel that it is getting the better of me. I am not posting this to make anyone feel badly or feel sorry for me. I am not seeking a pep talk or saying anything to accuse anyone of anything, it is just something that I need to say to get it out of my head and hopefully feel more free of these feelings and get on a path to a better state of mind.

So, here goes. I do not have college education, nor have I ever wanted one. A lot of people are now posting for nannies to have an ECE (early childhood education degree)to watch their kids for minimum wage (or less). I can do that in a daycare center and have more kids and more work than I do in home. I don't want to HAVE to go to school. I hated school. Anyone who knows me, knows I love to learn, I want to learn what I want to learn when I want to learn. I want to go to school because I WANT to, and not because I HAVE to. I also see it this way, I have so much experience that no one wants to pay me for now, that a degree would just make me even less desirable for the same reason. They would feel that they would have to pay me too much.

There is another thing. All the "free" job sites I'm on are now devising ways of getting money out of the parents and the care providers. Now, I can pay them a monthly fee to feature my profile above others and GET NOTICED! How, if 500 other people are paying for the same service (I can't afford) and I going to stand out?

I am frustrated that I cannot even get an interview with families. I get a polite email that is a form letter, thanking me for my interest, but no thanks. I only know how to take care of kids and bake, and baking is my hobby, child care is my passion. So why not open a day care? Banks won't give me a loan for 2 reasons: 1) No collateral 2) I don't have any business training or degree. (I've looked into it.)

I worry about everything going to Hades in a hand basket and I feel that it has gone even further than that. I worry that I am not going to make it. I am hanging on by my cuticles and I cant' tell anyone because nobody wants to hear it. I get "go to school" (and just HOW am I supposed to pay for it?)let alone be guaranteed a job after I finish? "It'll get better." When? I don't know if I can hold on that long.

My mom,whom I live with, I feel is beginning to resent me. I know that this is not how she wanted to spend retirement. That the wrong person died 11 years ago and that my father was supposed to be here with her and I was supposed to be out of the house (somewhere I would LOVE to be!) She has been making comments lately about "HER house" and "HER this and HER that", not our or the, HERS. I feel like I don't matter in my own house. I fell like I don't matter at all.

There are days, and I know this is not the case but it feels that way, that I love the boyfriend more than he loves me and that I want him more than he wants me. I feel that after almost 7 years of dating, he should know how he feels about me and should be able to decide if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but he can't or won't. Then I feel that something must be wrong with me. I worry that today he loves me, but tomorrow that will change. That the only reason he hasn't found someone else is that he's too comfortable to look around for another woman.

I know that this is the depression talking, and that I have probably made him very mad at me for saying all of this in public (and yes, he knows how I feel, we have had this conversation many times). I feel that I am not important to my friends and I know why. 2 are mom's and one has a co-dependent fiance that hold the deed on her emotions. They have more things to worry about than me, and that's O.K. Really. I am not that good of a friend anyway.

Nor am I a good leader or girlfriend or anything, but a whinny loser. That I'm good at.

message 4: by Narzain (new)

Narzain | 194 comments I just want to go on record that I am not mad at you, at all. I know you didn't post this looking for a pep talk or validation, but it was important for you to get it out. That's understandable, and I'm okay with it.

You are a better girlfriend, leader and friend than you give yourself credit for. You are more important than you think, whether or not people show it. And I love you more than I have the words to say.

*big warm comforting hugs*

message 5: by Kim, Proud Queen of the Fat and Fabulous! (last edited Mar 20, 2012 12:06PM) (new)

Kim (mrsnesbitt) | 1031 comments Mod
The depression is still here, lingering on like a lamprey. I recently took a class on the Bach flower method and found Rescue Remedy pastilles. Rescue Remedy is for severe stress, which I have still been suffering from since last year and the whole "My boyfriend has to have open heart surgery!" panic and lack of being able to let go of much of it. Add the wedding stuff for the best friend and you have a recipe for fraying rope.

So, the pastilles have seemed to help with the stress. I am the most calm and relaxed I have been in months. You take them for a short time and again if you have high stress. I am now looking over my class notes to see which flower essences would help me with the depression. I know St. John's Wart is very good, I have used it in the past, but not for the situational depression I am feeling now. I am still feeling like I am a failure and that I will never work again.

Yesterday, a PBS station was showing the anniversary broadcast of "Les Mis" (one of my faves along with "Phantom") and I got to hear Lea Salonga sing Fontine's song, "I Dreamed a Dream." The line about "I dreamed my life would be so different from this hell I'm living" reduced me to sobs. The lyric about "life has killed the dream I dream" almost had me on the floor. The song is powerful and usually has me in tears, but I was sobbing because that was me. That song was my life at this moment. It is a hell, a damning, suffocating, soul sucking hell that I do not feel that I will ever be able to leave. I feel like I will never work again and that I have no purpose. F.D.R. said, "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."

I don't think there is enough rope left.

message 6: by Kim, Proud Queen of the Fat and Fabulous! (last edited Aug 28, 2012 08:22AM) (new)

Kim (mrsnesbitt) | 1031 comments Mod
This weekend,Narz and I went to an annual event an acquaintance of ours hold each year for his birthday. "Marvin" loves board games and the more complicated, the better. Some almost border on Role Playing Game levels. I keep threatening to bring "Candy Land" and kick all of their hind ends. (I RULE at "C.L"!) I often feel out of place in social situations as I really didn't have many when I was younger. I did not get invited to parties when I was younger as I did not have many friends, and in high school, I was either working and not a drinker,so that kept me from being around kids my own age.

I was most comfortable with the younger kids or with adults. At this event, I am in the middle of the ages that are there. Now, Narz RPG's so complicated rules don't bother him and I think he gets more out of the day than I do. What doesn't help me, is that many of the people who come on this day also play with Marvin during the week and they are friends with him and his wife. Everyone is a patient teacher and are more than happy to teach you how to play. I do not do well with over complicated things as I need time to adjust and I am not stupid by any means, but I am very self aware of my short comings with these games. I get caught up with trying to keep the rules straight, work on strategy, and not upsetting anyone who knows what they are doing, that I don't always enjoy the game as much as I should or could.

I would be happier in the corner with my book, but that drives Marvin crazy and he herds me into a game. I go because there are a few games that I can and do play that are not complicated and I love to bake so I always take a new creation for testing as gamers will eat just about anything. I am comfortable enough with this group now that I can go without Narz if he has to work, and meet him there later.

So what is my point to this story? This weekend was not good for me. I did not have as much fun as I would like to have had. I feel like I'm on the outside of the group and that Narz is really the one they want and only put up with me because of that. I felt the same way on Friday nights when we used to get together with Narz's friends at a friends house. They all know each other from a shared activity that I do not participate in and I was left out of many conversations because I did not know what they were talking about or had been to an event.

Yes, I have made a few friends of my own within the group, but I still feel that and this is with my friends as well, that I am tolerated, but not really a part of the group. I am still the fat kid that gets picked last, the one who is o.k. to be friends with for now because you're mad at your best friend, I have something you want, etc. I feel that way in my own family too. I feel that sometimes I was adopted and that is why I don't fit in with them. Frankly there are days when I can barely tolerate myself.

I have been told that I am a very gregarious person, but throw me into a large group and it takes me forever to warm up. I know it's all my own carnsarnded fault and that this what I get for being me. I feel that I can't tell my friends any of this because they have enough going on in their lives and don't need to hear my petty little problems and nonsense. I don't think any of them realize how little I am holding it together and how little my final thread has frayed. I feel like if I start crying now, I won't ever stop. I am sick of being unwanted,un-hireable,un-needed,and every other un that I'm feeling like now.

I know that some of this would be better if I had a job, if I had a better grip on reality (which has always been tenuous at best) and if I were a better person,friend,girlfriend,...just better. Thing is, no matter how hard I try, I come up short. I will never be good enough for my friends or Narzain or my family or for this group.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I feel that I'm letting all of you down.

message 7: by Narzain (new)

Narzain | 194 comments You are most assuredly not letting any of us down. And you are more than 'good enough.' I know I tell you this often, and I know it's a tiny whisper against the shout of your feelings, but it's true.

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