Writing Passionates discussion
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Mod
There are a few errors in capitalization though:
"we didn't get tired."
"our parents screamed at us ..."
You had a double period at the end of one sentence:
"My hand as usual, felt warm, his imaginary touch lingering.."
In the first paragraph, almost every sent. starts w/"We", so you might want to vary the sentence beginnings a little.
The last bit has a few fragments in it, but maybe you did that on purpose for effect ...
Anyway, I'm nitpicking. You write very well. Luv it. :)
I think that this is a great beginning to a story. Brigid caught most of the nitpicky things. There are a few typos, but nothing a good, thorough proofreading session won't find. Keep it up. You are definitely off to a good start.
Mod
OMG THAT WAS SO GOOD I REALLY WANT TO READ THE WHOLE BOOK AND PLEASE WRITE MORE..... NOW!!!! ...please :D thanks you da bestist big sister ever :)
Thank you guys soooo much!! Ok so i Edited it a bit just to get the kinks out, pls tell me what you think!!here ya go:
I remember he first time we ran away together. I was about six and Luke had just turned seven. We were at my house playing. Our parents were talking animatedly in the kitchen.
We hadn’t just randomly decided that were going to try and run away, we had planned this for about two weeks now. I had my blues clues backpack filled with all things needed to survive without your parents.
A five-dollar bill, two boxes of tic-tacs, a PB&J sand-which and a bottle of water.
There was a flea market happening a couple blocks down, and we decided that we should live there. The back door was just around the corner from the staircase coming down from my room. We tiptoed down the stairs, ducked around the bend, and then we were gone. As soon as the door closed quietly behind us we were running. It was fall and the wind stung my face. But I was too happy to even acknowledge the pain. When we were out of hearing distance we screamed with delight. We laughed as we ran into the town, and through the crowds of the market. His brown curls flying wildly with the wind. We laughed about nothing, we screamed just to hear our own voices. Hand in hand we kept running through the crowds .Dodging people like the matrix dodges bullets.
We stayed for about three hours. But in the end we went back home. Our parents were hysterical. They sat us down and yelled at us for a good hour and a half. And the whole time is hand never let go of mine. We didn’t say one word to each other the whole time, But every couple of minutes he would gently squeeze my hand as if to tall me “Don’t worry I’m not going anywhere.”
I awoke with a start. There was sheen of sweat on my forehead. I gasped, trying to remember the dream, to get every last detail. Not that I needed to. I've had the same dream every night since he left. My hand as usual, felt warm, his imaginary touch lingering. As if he really had been holding my hand. As if he were still here with me.
As it hasn't been seven years since he disappeared.
I clenched my fist, trying to hold onto the warmth. Because maybe if I held on tight enough, maybe, it wouldn't slip away.
Mod
sella thank you sooo much!! I love your writing and hearing that really just made my day!!!!!thank you guys soo much!! im going to post the rest one im done writing it.....lol
thanks again!!!!!!!
:D
That was really good. Love the changes. Don't mean to be picky, but when they came back a couple of the sentences felt repitionary.
'And the whole time is hand never let go of mine. We didn’t say one word to each other the whole time, But every couple of minutes he would gently squeeze my hand as if to tall me “Don’t worry I’m not going anywhere.”'
I think maybe you could say something like this, "Our parents were hysterical. They sat us down and yelled at us for a good hour and a half, with his hand never letting go of mine."
Then you can use the, "We didn’t say one word to each other the whole time,"
Also, the coma ',' there should be a period '.' if you're going to capatilize the next b.
That's pretty much it, 'cept for a few spelling mistakes.
--
LOVED IT!!! Definitely would read more.
Thanks guys!! im gunna go proof read it again, andget out all of the little nit picking stuff.
Mod
Well, I liked that too, but mine was just an example of what she could do. I just didn't like the sound of her saying, 'we didn't say anything the whole time' and using 'the whole time' another time. It's just a pet peeve of mine. I have a lot of them....
Thanks guys!! wowzers ive been REALLY busy but i have the rough draft of the like beginning of the first chapter.
ok here you go!!!!
I remember the day he was kidnapped as if it were yesterday.
We had just started fifth grade at Silverton Elementary. I hadn’t gone to school that day because of a bad fever. I was sitting in the living room trying to finish yesterday’s homework while my mother was on the phone.
“Hello? Lindsay?”
Lindsay was Luke’s mother. She was probably calling to see if I was feeling better. Luke’s mom had always been very caring, like a second mother to me. As I suppose my mother was to Luke.
“Wait…slow down…Luke? What do you mean he’s not there?”
I grabbed the remote and turned the TV on mute.
“Oh my god…. did they check the…. ok...oh my god Lindsay…”
I couldn’t really understand the whole conversation but I could tell from their panicked voices that something was wrong.
“It’s going to be alright…everything going to be fine.”
I couldn’t tell whether she was trying to comfort Herself or Lindsay.
“They’re going to take care of everything. Ok hon? They’re going to get him home.”
The conversation went on like that for several minutes before my mother hung up. When she did I walked into the kitchen.
“Mom what happened with Lindsay? What’s going on?”
My mother looked at me, her eyes flooding with tears, her face red and blotchy.
“Honey…” She said looking me in the eyes, her deep blue one’s staring into my dull gray-ish green.
“Luke didn’t come home from school today.”
This didn’t make sense to me. Why was my mother crying simply because Luke hadn’t gotten home yet. I glanced at the clock, it was 8:35pm.
Oh.
“Well then where is he?”
It was a Friday; he might just be at one of his friend’s houses. He usually comes here; maybe he didn’t want to get sick.
“We don’t know.” She sobbed, “We just don’t know.”
It took a while for all of this to sink in. Luke hadn’t gone home from school. And no one knew where he was.
“Is Luke…is he missing?” The words didn’t sound right. It rolled off my tongue awkwardly.
Missing.
My mother’s body shook with another sob. “Yes, honey, yes. He’s missing.”
Luke has been my best friend since I could crawl. Our parents had been best friends since High School. My mother got pregnant 6 month’s after Lindsay. They went through everything together. The pregnancy, the terrible two’s. Our mothers were closer than most sisters. If Lindsay was sad and scared, then so was my mom. My mother continued crying quietly and I just stood there taking it all in. Felling the panic slowly creep under my skin and burry itself in the deepest parts of my heart.
I tried telling my self that everything was fine; I tried to comfort myself with all of the episodes of CSI where they found the missing kid.
Its ok. He’s probably just at the park or something. The hollow words of comfort became a mantra in my mind. ‘They’ll find him, They’ll find him they’ll find him…’
But there was a tiny voice in the back of my head, playing out the worst-case scenario.
‘What if they don’t?’
K thanks again!!!
(Please keep in mind that its only a first draft, i like just wrote it up now, so its not really done, im gunna do the editing for both of them tomorrow...that is IF i dont get the life sucked our of me by my math teacher....)
Mod
Thank you soo much Sella!!!! Ive been reading your writing and its just SOOOOOOO good!!!!!!!!!thanks soo much!!!
XD
(\/)
( . .)
c(")(")
*BUNNY!!!!!*
Mod
that was so great! I loved it, you captured it perfectly.
Mod
THANKS!!!!!!!i wrote another part, but this time in Lukes point of view here it is:
http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...
thansk for reading!
:D
Thanks! i will ill try and sneak some writing in later tonight. last night at like 5:00am i was writing another chapter but i was so tired and it came out so bad i didnt even bother posting it!
Mod
*Sigh* my mom took away my computer yesterday (all day) so i couldnt write!!im gunna try to do some more, in between HW and the outline for my NANOWRIMO book.
busy busy busy busyyy
my mom did that too. I got grounded from the comp. But on the bright side I got 2 new chapters written for my story! But i still need to post them here.
Mod
Mod
Mod
0 :D
lol, my mom took it away cuz i was on goodreads till 4:00am the other night!
totallyi joined like 10000000 groups just to keep myself entertained
lol same here except then they have this active hour and I MUST check them all
yeah lol, im like jumpng from group to group
I know even the things i'm npt even going to bother posting i have to check them too
ya, like on Writing Passionates, there's so much stuff to check, but I hardly ever do. because what do i post in the middle of a conversation?! "D
ok, so i didnt read the whole discusion, but i got as far as your second revision. Your first atempt blew me away. I loved it! Very emotional and whimsical, much like memories of childhood are. In my opinion, your second attempt wasnt quite as good. It was well writen, but you put in alot of details that weighed it down and sucked alot of the emotion out of it. Remember, depending on the mood you wish to create, somtimes less is so much more.
Ok thanks for the help, im going to do another revision, as soon as i can. im like DYING right now from alL of the classes that im taking!!!*sigh*
ill write/revise more when i can!!!
ps i wrote a first chapter-ish thing you can find it on my profile!
i liked it. It was very, very good. I like your style.dang, i hate school. I barely have any time to get on anymore.
I KNOW!! Ive been like sooo busy i havent written anything in forever!!!
okidokie.
here you go:
I remember he first time we ran away together. I was about six and Luke had just turned seven. We were at my house. My parents had gone into the kitchen to prepare dinner. They thought we were sleeping. We tiptoed through the back door. I had my back-pack with a bottle of water and a box of tict-tac's just in case we got hungry or thirsty. As soon as we were out the door we started to run. We didn't look back to see if anyone had seen us. We just ran. We ran hand in hand, through the streets and then through the crowds of the flea market, dodging people like the matrix dodged bullets. We screamed with the joy of freedom. We laughed at anything, we laughed just to hear the sound of our own voices. We ran for hours. We didn't stop. we didn't get tired.
Finally we went home. our parents screamed at us for what seemed like an eternity, and the whole time he he held my hand. We didn't speak out loud, but every few minuted he would squeeze my hand. And it felt as if he were giving some of his warmth to me.
I awoke with a start. There was a sheen of sweat on my forehead. I gasped, trying to remember the dream, to get every last detail. Not that i needed to. I've had the same dream every night since he left. My hand as usual, felt warm, his imaginary touch lingering.. As if he really had been holding my hand. As if he were still here with me.
As it hasn't been seven years since he disappeared.
I clenched my fist, trying to hold onto the warmth. Because maybe if i held on tight enough, maybe, it wouldn't slip away.