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message 1: by Kjersti but you can call me Captain (last edited Oct 10, 2008 10:07AM) (new)

Kjersti but you can call me Captain | 32 comments The young author strolls into the forum, haughtily addresses the crowd and slaps a virtual manuscript on the table. "This is not my first work," she says. "It's definitely not even my best. But I am calling myself an author and I remain largely unread. I would like to know what all of you think, as I have great respect for your opinions, mean-spirited, lively or indifferent." With that bold statement, she crosses the rest of the room and seats herself within the crowd, waiting for the hail of criticism to fall upon her audacious head.

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...


Kjersti but you can call me Captain | 32 comments Ah, how I love honesty. Yes, when I wrote that introduction I thought it was a bit cliche, and yet I rolled with it (Still, she wonders why). Also, I hope you meant paragraphs 2 and 3, not chapters two and three, mainly because there are no chapters two and three (Quite yet).

And yes, I would love for you to read the rest. I understand the slash-and-burn type of thirty second editing that happens, BUT feedback on the rest is much appreciated. I'd also like for you to read the rest, because, well, my main character /does/ find herself in a bit of an uncomfortable situation.

Hopelessly Green,
"Captain"


Kjersti but you can call me Captain | 32 comments Yes, I did, thank you.


message 4: by Kristen (new)

Kristen Hair | 26 comments I really enjoyed this. I'm almost illiterate in comparision. Really. Please continue. Like Gary, when I read the beginning of the struggle, I wondered if you would be able to pull off such an intense (and sometimes overused) situation, but you did it beautifully. Overall, bravo.


Kjersti but you can call me Captain | 32 comments *blushes* Thanks Kristen. You, fortunately, did not see the woefully long list of errors that he sent to me (Not that I'm complaining Gary, I adore your input). I shall continue writing as time and inspiration let me. I have several other novels on the stove right now, plus I'm participating in NaNoWriMo. Oh yeah, and there's this little thing that people like to call me "real" life: school, etc.etc. When I do get another chapter up or do a major revision, I'll try to post it here.

--Captain


message 6: by M.C. (new)

M.C. | 24 comments Gary has a made a very good point, writing requires many revisions to make good reading. Comments and suggestions aren't a list of errors but an edit!

A successful writer requires a completely open mind and great fortitude; after countless drafts and subsequent beta readings resulting in further revisions, an accepted ms will undergo the scrutiny of an editor. When all the changes are discussed and completed, a copyreader will review the draft and make suggestions. After this revision and editor approval, the 'final draft' will become a galley - last chance for the author to find and correct every error that has been overlooked by all the readers to date.


Kjersti but you can call me Captain | 32 comments Yes, I realize that, and I'm never satisfied with my work (it's that inner editor). I really love getting critiqued, because often I can tell when things are not right, I just don't know where the mistakes are.

That, and I'm very bad at taking compliments, so that may have just been me trying to play it off. >< I am my own worst critic, I suppose.


message 8: by Kristen (new)

Kristen Hair | 26 comments Speaking of knowing when things aren't right, but not being able to see the mistakes, could somebody take a look at this chapter? I can tell it's slightly off, but I can't tell exactly what's wrong. It may be POV, it might be anything. Here's the link:
http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...


message 9: by M.C. (new)

M.C. | 24 comments Gary has offered good suggestions in his revision:

Samile lightly traced the back of Orden's hand, trying to smooth out his anxiety. She could tell that Orden fought the urge to wince each time the needle pierced. She glanced over at Black every once and a while, watching Black's hands carefully sow up the tissue. The needle dug deep, then tugged the flesh outward as it emerged.

At last, Black stood up. “It’s done.”

****

I have gleaned more 'tell than show', with names repeated too often in the short paragraph and the sequence reading out of order. Also, I have taken the liberty of slightly changing the description of wound stitching due to my experience. Hope my rewrite is of some help:

As Black expertly dug and tugged the needle up, Samile watched Orden wince at each pierce of his skin. She reached out and lightly touched the back of his hand.

(Insert his reaction to her comfort, here.)

Moments later, Black stood up. “It’s done.”



message 10: by M.C. (new)

M.C. | 24 comments Gary,

As this begins without knowing who speaks within the first four quotations, I admit to being a wee bit confused. Plus, there are no end quotations for the first three paragraphs of speech so I am assuming author rule breaking and it is all spoken by one character, Sunshine.

Some things that drew me out of the excerpt:

“Here’s my father on my face. See him? Looking down at me. Looking down at you. You see him?"
Imagery is difficult for this, 'on my face...looking down at me.' I stumbled on how that could be possible.

"Even at the dinner table, which was long and usually hardy, if there was no bread by the time the plate came to the end, the one who was shorted yelled..."
In context, the meaning became clear but perhaps it would work better if the dinner was written as usually hardy rather than the table.
Also, 'the one who was shorted yelled', could be 'the same yell was emitted from the one shorted'.

Spelling: "take everything way to seriously", S/B 'take everything way too seriously'.

Sentence end: "and if they didn’t get moving, maybe a long time getting out of."
Could try: 'and if they didn’t get moving, it may be a long time getting out.'

Sunshine's grammar was not consistent, at times using, 'ain't' and others, 'are not'.

And this double negative but with correct conjunction: "I didn’t think she had no magic..."

There was a great deal about the father's favourite admonition but no real info on him or the others...I'm missing what part the father and others play in the plot arc. I'm interested in reading from the beginning!




message 11: by M.C. (new)

M.C. | 24 comments Glad to be of some help, Gary.

I did consider the character when indicating grammar inconsistency, but from a reader viewpoint there are times when dialogue can interupt the visual image and thought I might mention it. A double negative is always disconcerting for me as it takes a moment or two to stop and discern the meaning.

It could be that I have never known anyone to speak with varying grammar, although I have experienced English dialects particular to a location. These dialects seem to follow consistent rules, for example: 'me' instead of 'my', and 'ain't' in place of 'am not', are always used.

I appreciate the thanks and the best of luck!


Kjersti but you can call me Captain | 32 comments Question: would any of you do a quick review on something *whsipers the words* /not/ scifi?

---Captain


message 13: by Kjersti but you can call me Captain (last edited Nov 21, 2008 05:07PM) (new)

Kjersti but you can call me Captain | 32 comments Haha, no it wasn't. That's my NaNoWriMo novel, I'm not supposed to edit that one 'til December, but thanks. It's VERY rough.

No, I was wondering if you could look at Cutter please:

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...


message 14: by Kristen (new)

Kristen Hair | 26 comments I have a piece for you all to look at. It's Dark Eyed Sea. It currently has three very short chapters. Here goes.
http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/1...


message 15: by Ter (new)

Ter Wilson (crazimomma) | 4 comments By No means Am I a professional editor or Reveiwer!!! With that I read your first Chapter. I can say it was great. I can't wait to read the rest when you have it all done.


message 16: by Dee (new)

Dee Marie (dee_marie) | 52 comments
Hey Captain,

I enjoyed your Sci Fi piece and look forward to reading more. It was fun to read something different. Your writing style is unique, and I especially like your dialog (in your non-Sci Fi story).

Dee Marie


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