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message 1: by Ally, The Epically Unique One (new)

Ally (tennis_reader) | 35 comments Mod
Just post your short story into a comment or post a link. If it's a longer short story, posting a link would be better! =) Remember the rules, don't put others down about their writing! Positive and/or constructive feedback is encouraged!

message 2: by MizziQ (new)

MizziQ There are many different ways to steal. You can rob a bank, you can hack into a money account and transfer the money to your own account electronically, you can burglarize someone’s home, or you might try mugging someone. Although that can turn messy in mere seconds. No, these work fine for average people but Jake was skilled. Jake’s favorite style was old fashioned pick pocketing. It had its own dangers, but so does everything else. He was good. No, he was beyond good, he was one of the best. It came naturally to him. Jake’s father, Jake called him Ray, had virtually abandoned him, only giving him any regard on special occasions. If he remembered those special occasions at all. He had learned how to hold his own, and profit while doing it. He created and specialized in his own techniques and picked up on new ones he saw in play.

Jake and Ray lived in a average house, Ray made his money by working for an insurance agency. Jake knew it wasn’t a creative job, but it gave himself certain resources, like subtle hiding places for his loot Ray could never find, and enough money to live on if pickings were dry. Mac was Jake’s best friend and one of his only friends. Mac knew all about Jake’s criminal escapades. Mac was a geek in every stereotype of the word. Curly, red hair, collar shirt and tie, total brain. Drastic in contrast to his friend, only friend, who had black, straight hair, and t-shirt and jeans, casual. No one could ever guess what brought those two together, not even they themselves .

Jake was late for the bus and he knew it. He careened out of the house backpack sprawling pencils and ran up the stairs of the bus. He sat by Mac and took a deep breath. “Whew!” Jake gasped. “I almost didn’t make it.””Just like last week and the week before that.” Mac replied, with a pointed look at the almost empty backpack he was grasping tightly to his chest. Jake and Mac were just about the same age, both 14. You might think that since they were racking up years and possibly experience, they might be better prepared. Unfortunately, teenage boys apparently skim over all this and have the leash of a young adult, yet the common, or not so common reasoning of a toddler.

“Were we supposed to have homework?” “We have had homework since we were in elementary school Jake,” Mac said “it might help to have some, one of these days.” “Right.” Jake replied with a dismissive look on his glowering face. Jake had OK grades, but he didn’t really have the needed attention for school. Mac chuckled silently to himself. Mac had a great friend but he had no skills whatsoever at school. Mac filled in the gaps for Jake, mostly just not getting him suspended for NEVER bringing in ANY homework. Mac had his own friends but Jake was by far the most interesting friend Mac had.

Mac had never met a pickpocket who was so young, well Mac had never actually met another pickpocket, but that's beside the point. Jake was probably the best pickpocket his age, out there.

Mac and Jake had all but two classes together, history and art. Mac was a true artist. One that was inspired to create art, not forced. He kept a collection of sketches and paintings in a three ringed binder, that was falling apart at the spine. He never showed his work to anyone, not even Jake. Mac met Jake for luch after Geography. He handed Jake that days assignments and sat down at the table. Mac looked reluctantly at his burnt Mac & Cheese and rotten watermelon "disgusting" he thought. But when he turned towards Jake he knew his friends mind was on other things. "What's wrong?" he asked. "Someone offered me a job," Jake said, a bit dazed. "What kind of job," Mac asked. Now lending Jake his full attention. "A kid told me, before I got on the bus, that he neede something stolen, as in pickpocketed. "Did you tell anyone about me?" "NO!" came the swift reply "I would never do something like that. You know it too!" Jake sighed "I know. I know. I still needed to ake, to be sure." They sat silent for a while until Mac brought up the pressing issure. "What are you going to do?" "I think, I'm actually going to do it. Someone knows about me. But who cares when I'm better than them all?

Jake was told by the kid to meet his payer 15 minutes to four at a coffee shop on the east side of town. That was close to Jake's house so that wasn't an issue. The problem came when Mac wanted to come along. Jake was very against his friend coming along but Mac was very persistent, he would not take no for an answer. After many "No's" and even more accusations, they came to the conclusion, that for the safety of the lions in Africa, Mac would be joining. They waited for over an hour before a man they had never met came up to them to explain the details. "You don't need to know the reasons" he said "You just need to know the "what". At 4:30 AM Thursday morning there will be a man at this exact table we are sitting at now. There will be an envelope in his left jacket pocket. Take it, and give it to me the next day. The same place. The same time." Neither Jake nor Mac asked how he knew all this, they just agreed and left. That just gave them a day and a half to get ready, do the job, and get the $200 bucks they were getting payed for the job. The next day the two friend's day was filled with preparing. They had skipped school and were now, once again, debating whether or not Mac would come. They decided yes, quicker this time. They would go as brothers, if anyone asked, getting coffee early before school.

The morning of the job was cold and deserved Mac and Jake to wear jackets and hats, of course keeping their style in check. If this gig went right, they would both be learning the affects of chlorine on carpet in Chemistry. Since the chain on Mac's bike was broken it took almost 30 minutes for them both to walk to the coffee shop.

No one asked any questions. They both got hot-chocolate. Mac headed to the table right beside the target the man had described. Jake was about to motion his hand towards the man's jacket when the man stood up abruptly and pulled out a pistol. After that everything was a blur to Jake. Mac didn't know when the caos started, but once he saw the blood pouring out from his best friends head, he needed no more encouragement to run.

His best friend was dead and he was running from a man he did not know. How did it get this way? Mac didn't have time to ponder the question before he realized he was running straight into an alley-way. Mac quickly turned around only to find a gun staring up his face.

The same gun that killed his best friend. The man stared at Mac for what seemed like an eternity before he spoke. "You're dead" he breathed. And indeed he was. Mac had been shot. It was like nothing he had ever experienced before, dying. And then he laughed...well wasn't that obvious?

message 3: by Ally, The Epically Unique One (new)

Ally (tennis_reader) | 35 comments Mod
TikiPaws12: This is really good! I read it again, (that makes twice) and I loved it each time. It's a really refreshing storyline and I love the action towards the end. =)

message 4: by MizziQ (new)

MizziQ haha! ty. i have a habit of killing all my characters. :) lol

message 5: by Ally, The Epically Unique One (new)

Ally (tennis_reader) | 35 comments Mod
It works though! You pull it off!

message 6: by MizziQ (new)

MizziQ Awww thanks. :) I appreciate it.

message 7: by Meaghan (new)

Meaghan | 14 comments wow...this is awesome! I love how Mac was able to laugh even in the face of death...i think it shows how Mac's stronger than just the nerdy persona he lives by every day. idk...
my one issue was the dialogue. I found it a little hard sometimes to tell who was talking since it was going back and forth in the same paragraph. Then again, though, that may have had something to do with the format of comments, i'm assuming.
Other than that, it's AMAZING! loved it!

message 8: by MizziQ (new)

MizziQ Thanks! :) I may go back and fix the dialogue.

message 9: by Meaghan (new)

Meaghan | 14 comments my first attempt at a short story:


ughhh..i tried

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