Suicide, a no go discussion

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message 1: by [deleted user] (new)

tell about your experiences with suicide thoughts or people who have comitted suicide.

message 2: by [deleted user] (new)

message 3: by Carolyn (new)

Carolyn (bookspirit99) | 272 comments Wow. that's amazing! My story's not over yet and it's long winded, starting at my birth...

message 4: by Gloria (last edited Jul 03, 2011 04:53AM) (new)

Gloria  Jackson (PlanetQueen72) | 26 comments OK. My story...I got depressed when I was about 11, cos one of my family died, and usually, we all clamp down as a family unit and support each other, but I was at boarding school in England, and as I had only been there for a month or so, I couldn't leave cos otherwise I'd miss loads of important work. Although Momma and Dad called, it wasn't the same. And I hated the school. So then, I started cutting myself, and one of the girls in my dorm found out, went running to the the principal who yelled at me and basically told me to "grow up and get over myself" and "stop acting like a silly little attention-seeking kid". (I think she may have been slightly racist.)((I'm mixed-race btw)) I called my aunt (who lives in England) and told her what happened, she called my parents who flew straight over from the States and took me out of that school. Oh, and my grandmother also came over and laid into the principal. Which was quite funny.
Anyway, I got back to the States, and I thought I got better. But, I just kept avoiding talking to people, including my family.
I ended up locking myself in my room for about a week and a half, keeping the drapes shut and just laying on the floor, not eating anything, pretty much catatonic. Now I can't remember what made me do this, and it's all a bit fuzzy, but I bit my wrist and one the deep scars I had made opened, and I screamed. My brother broke the door down, and then he took me to hospital. He refused to let them give me anti-depressants (I don't like "commercial medicines") but he made sure I got counselling.

So, after that, I was OK up until I was 16. My boyfriend was killed in a car crash, which his best friend (who was driving) and I were also in. I was in hospital for about two months due to the injuries I got...and the fact I kept ripping out all the wires that were in me, and I went on a bit of a downward spiral after that.
Now this is gonna sound weird, but what kinda helped was my best friend was also in hospital, in a coma, after his suicide attempt. I think it helped because it was something that both of us could relate to so it helped having someone who genuinely understood, that I could actually talk to.

My ex-boyfriend (who turned out to be a real doink) was another factor that sent me on a self-loathing spiral, as he...well....I suppose it was tatamount to emotional abuse.....but anyway, I started burning myself by running really hot water and flicking it onto my skin. And even after we split up, he still kept being a jerk-wad. So I kept doing the burning.

That was only last year actually, but I stopped in November when I got a very lovely new boyfriend. I'm relatively stable now and I can't see any reason for me to have a relapse.

message 5: by Carolyn (new)

Carolyn (bookspirit99) | 272 comments this is just sad tho...everyone has their problems.

message 6: by Irene (new)

Irene (wingdesilverii) I am very glad that your story has turned out happily, that is a lot for anyone person to go through emotionly, and I sorta understand why you did what you did ( not saying it was right but that I sorta get it). Thankfully your brother got you help in time and you took it. May ask a very personal question, why do people cut therselves, like why did you? ( you dont have to answer).

message 7: by liz (new)

liz (liz272) | 39 comments People cut to feel. When you feel nothing, pain is like one of the fastest ways to feel.

Or people cut to push the internal pain out. Release.

The pain you are trying to escape, has now been released from your body, at least for that moment, and it sometimes doesn't feel as bad.

message 8: by liz (new)

liz (liz272) | 39 comments ((I've got three I'll post her.))

Rough hands moving quickly.
Bare skin, exposed, feeling thick fingers,
eager fingers
Grabbing, pushing, exploring.
Tears, running down
Him, telling me to stop crying,
as he moves his hands farther down.
More exposure
More humiliation.
Crying louder, until he threatens to kill me
No more crying
Cant close my eyes.
As the tears flow freely down my face,
I stares straight into his eyes.
Eyes I will never forget
Then, pain.
Bruises as he grips me
But I will not back down.
The smell of him fills my nose
A smell I will never forget
When it was finally over, I laid there.
He left, telling me no one would listen to me or care.
So I never told a soul.
Until now...

message 9: by liz (new)

liz (liz272) | 39 comments Broken dreams
That's who I am
Yet I was created.
And Now I know why.
You see,
Drugs and alcohol
Do affect the brain
They make you do things you regret.
Like have three children,
Going to jail,
Beating there oldest daughter
And only son.
We were broken.
And now I know why.
We broke their dreams
By purely existing.
And we were not allowed to forget that.
through starvation,
And other scare tactics.
Raising a baby at the ages of 3 and 5 is not easy.
But we managed until we were rescued.

After all this,
Do you know how they repay us?
The apologize.
Just to my brother.
Then they take him away.
I don't know where he is.
I haven't seen him since.

message 10: by Irene (new)

Irene (wingdesilverii) Oh my, I am so so sorry. That is so horrible please tell me you are safe now. Have you truly never told anyone untill now? If so (and i can sorta say i know this is hard) please please tell someone who can help.

message 11: by liz (new)

liz (liz272) | 39 comments I actually posted it online a couple months ago, so who ever has read it knows. And some trusted friends.

message 12: by Irene (new)

Irene (wingdesilverii) Okay. Are you okay, physically and emotionlly ( as possible given the circumstances) ?

message 13: by liz (new)

liz (liz272) | 39 comments Yeah. In my own way. Still fighting paic at times, but you know.

message 14: by Irene (new)

Irene (wingdesilverii) Sorta, my best friend has been dealing with something like this for three years and she stiil is not completly okay.

message 15: by liz (new)

liz (liz272) | 39 comments Like when my last boyfriend jokingly trapped my arms against my side, and I kinda went crazy...

Not the best idea. I told him to stop, but he wouldn't listen.

message 16: by Irene (new)

Irene (wingdesilverii) Yeah, she is really leary of new people, has a hard time trusting new people and guys she doesnt know well I wont go there right now. Her boyfriend right now knew her before so she trusts him and he sorta knows what happened and why she is like she is. We were just hanging out ( me, my boyfriend, he and hers, and a couple of other close friends) at her house and we were just goofing off ( this was about a two and a half years after it happened) she got him back for something he did earlier ( once agian just messing aroung) by slipping ice from her drink down his shirt and they sorta chased each other ( goofing off, it was quite funny) then she got backed into a corner and he playfully grabbed her, well she felt trapped and the flight or fight response kicked in.

message 17: by liz (new)

liz (liz272) | 39 comments If I don't trust you, you don't touch me. No joke. I'll fight back,, even if you're just playing. It's natural to do. My friends don't realize that even though I'm okay with hugs sometimes, anything else freaks me out. Cg up from behind me is a definite no. Trapping me in a corner: no. Trapping my arms in anyway: no. Even on a bus, I have to have an aisle seat or my own seat. I wont let people touch my legs. Lot of boudary issues.

message 18: by Irene (new)

Irene (wingdesilverii) Yeah, she has really gotten alot better, but he has figured out alot of things that he cant do, eathier she has told him or she freaked out. He really is a great guy for her and gets she dosent want to tell him excatly what happened. I havent had anything happen to me ( thank goodness) but i dont really like people touching me, hugs but thats about it. If you come up from behind and I dont know who you are you are most likely to get hit ( reflex thing).

message 19: by liz (new)

liz (liz272) | 39 comments Yeah, naturally

message 20: by Irene (new)

Irene (wingdesilverii) It just kinda freaks me out if someone comes up behind me and hugs me. My boyfriend knows this and always lets me know he is there and then hugs me; but he is okay, other people are not.

message 21: by [deleted user] (new)

i hate it when random people hug me. i doesnt cheer me up, it freals me out!

message 22: by Irene (new)

Irene (wingdesilverii) Same here, it is a "I don't know you so why are you hugging me?" A guy at school got mad at me because i dint think it was okay for him to bear hug me or pick me up ( it is how he acts and most girls let him). I will do a one arm "hey hug" if i know you pretty well but thats about it.

message 23: by [deleted user] (new)

thats what i do =)

message 24: by Irene (new)

Irene (wingdesilverii) The only person who is allowed to hug me like that is my boyfriend.

message 25: by [deleted user] (new)

i dont get to see mine =(

message 26: by Irene (new)

Irene (wingdesilverii) I'm sorry, why?

message 27: by [deleted user] (new)

he lives in texas

message 28: by Irene (new)

Irene (wingdesilverii) Oh, I take it you don't. If you dont I can some what relate, because my boyfriend is home schooled and we rarely see each other during the school year because we are both really busy. It must suck though being really far away from him.

message 29: by [deleted user] (new)

ya. i live in maryland. how did you meet your boyfriends?

message 30: by [deleted user] (new)

may i ask what EXACTALLY gad is?

message 31: by [deleted user] (new)

oh. does that annoy you> the fact you can't really do much say a test?

message 32: by [deleted user] (new)

o. thanks for telling me. i learned something new today =)

message 33: by Irene (new)

Irene (wingdesilverii) Yeah same here, I am glad you got everything figured out and hope this never happens agian.

@Re-ana: you asked how I met my boyfriend. Our moms worked together for a while and became friends when we were little like 3-4 years old and have been friends ever since. I used to take a martial arts class that was a cross between aikido ( jappenese form of self defense) and kendo ( like fencing expect you fence using a bamboo pole about as long as you are tall). My best friend was in the class along with a couple other people. He got intrested in the class after his older sister staryed taking it ( she was a close friend too). He was my best guyfriend and viceversa. Then, I left the martial arts world but kept up with everyone. I was asked to come back about a year and half after I left to help teach the kendo portion of the class. He finally got his nerve up and asked, had to turn him doen mutiple times for various reasons. After the last time he went to my mom and dad( wasnt allowed to date, and told him that every time but he didnt think i was serious) and then he asked and i was able to truly answer and thats how we ended up together. ( sorry that was really long)

message 34: by [deleted user] (new)

awwww, that is so sweet. im happy for you two =)

message 35: by Irene (new)

Irene (wingdesilverii) Thanks, we are really close amd even though we will have been together only 7 months end of july we both feel like it has been alot longer, mostly because he has had to go through alot lately; but I am glad I can be there.

message 36: by [deleted user] (new)

you sound like a great person, i bet he's happy your there for him =)

message 37: by Irene (new)

Irene (wingdesilverii) Thanks, and yes he enjoys having someone who knows his story but still treats him like he's normal and if he needs someone to talk to he has me.

message 38: by [deleted user] (new)

i wish i had someone like that

message 39: by Irene (new)

Irene (wingdesilverii) Well you sorta do ( not a male figure) but you have us here. I try not to treat those who have been hurt like they are fragile, but not like there is nothing wrong at all. ( that's what he likes and i notice it works well with others).

message 40: by [deleted user] (new)

aw. thanks, i like that too =)

message 41: by Irene (new)

Irene (wingdesilverii) You're very welcome.

message 42: by Gloria (new)

Gloria  Jackson (PlanetQueen72) | 26 comments Irene wrote: "I am very glad that your story has turned out happily, that is a lot for anyone person to go through emotionly, and I sorta understand why you did what you did ( not saying it was right but that I ..."

Well, I cut cos I wanted my parents to take me home and I thought that if they knew I was that unhappy (and there was physical evidence i.e. the scars) it would be quicker for me to get home.

message 43: by Irene (new)

Irene (wingdesilverii) Oh :(

message 44: by [deleted user] (new)

ya, i thought if people show the scars they would realize how un happy i was

message 45: by Irene (new)

Irene (wingdesilverii) So what happened?

message 46: by [deleted user] (new)

my friends thought i was crazy and trying to get attention, and my sister was mad at me for doing that to myself.

message 47: by Irene (new)

Irene (wingdesilverii) Did anyone try and get you to stop?

message 48: by [deleted user] (new)

ya. my sister

message 49: by Irene (new)

Irene (wingdesilverii) Did you?you have now though right?

message 50: by [deleted user] (new)

yes to both.

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