Book Buying Addicts Anonymous discussion
Neither a borrower nor a lender be
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you're definitely not alone, sarah. i absolutely do not let my friends borrow books. like you, i found that i never got them back. i also always buy my books. i have borrowed a couple from friends, but i found i'm as bad as returning theirs and they are at returning mine... plus, like you i like to keep all the books i read. that's why i don't use libraries either.
Usually, book I have already read, I either donate them to the library or give them to a friend. The only book that I am selfish with is the Harry Potter Series I have. I'm also selfish with my lesbian romance novels. Knowing how not everyone agrees with the issue of homosexuality, I am careful who I give my lesbian romance novels to. Other GLBT themed books I like to donate to the library hoping they will be put on the shelves. I want GLBT themed books to be recognized more.
I lend my books to family or good friends that I know I can trust all the time. While I keep my books in excellent condition, I also feel bad for books that sit around and have only been read once so I like to lend them out to other people so they can get some more love. I prefer not to borrow books, since it always seems to take me forever to get to them. That and pretty much any book I wind up borrowing I want a copy of my own. The only times I will borrow is really just from the library, since that gives me a time limit (so I feel more motivated to read it), and I only do this with books I'm uncertain about. It has saved me a good deal of money when I find out I can't stand books that I might have otherwise purchased.
I don't think you're being selfish, Sarah. The reason you keep a book is because it has touched you in some way, was written by a friend - maybe autographed by the author - or maybe it's simply an expecially beautiful volume. The fact that you give away books that didn't reach you is actually an act of generosity. You could just as well chuck them in the trash.I'm fortunate to have a friend who owns a used book store. When I have books I'm not interested in keeping, I always pack them up and abandon them on her doorstep.
Since I began writing seriously in 1998, I've met several published authors, even had the opportunity to read and critique drafts of new novels. Several have mentioned my contributions on their acknowledgement pages (what a thrill) and sent signed copies of their first editions. Like Ashley and her favorite writings, I wouldn't part with them for anything.
My husband and I hate, hate, hate to lend books out, even though every square inch of wallspace is covered by crammed-full bookcases. Last week, someone from my church group said, "I heard you guys have, like, thousands of books and CDs. I'd love to come over and borrow some!" I gave a weak chuckle and averted my eyes. An uncomfortable silence ensued. After about 5 minutes, someone mercifully entered the room and asked when dinner was being served.I've just been burned too many freakin' times when it comes to lending books. And the fact is, many of our books are out-of-print and would be very costly to replace. Last but not least, there's nothing worse than lending someone a book, only to have it returned with the comment, "I couldn't finish it. Too boring."
I don't borrow books because I don't want to be responsible for other people's property. Though I take good care of my books (sometimes the binding isn't even creased), I have some anal friends.I am more inclined to lend them out, but rarely do because I don't always get them back. One book I hadn't even read myself, the friend critisized my literary tastes, and still never returned it.
I pass some books on through bookcrossing ortrade on paperbackswap. I give away to various
book sales & to friends. But loaning a book -
I've learned that I don't know when I'll get it
back, so I try keep list of books I've loaned. I don't blame you Sarah. It's just easier just not to loan them out.
What's happened lately is that people have been returning harcover books without the dust cover. What's up with that? A hardbook is not the same without a cover. I started loaning books without the cover. Now is that selfish or petty?
Lorraine
I don't lend books either. The last time I lent a book out to someone, I got it back the spine almost missing. The book before that? I haven't seen it since, that was... about eight years ago.
If all you guys are selfish, then I am too! haha I hate loaning out books because they so rarely come back. Even the best of friends have kept books for years and never said a thing about returning them. I hate to sound petty or shelfish so I dont ask for them back, just end up buying another copy later. I dont borrow books, because none of my friends read as much as I do and I always end up buying what I want anyway.
I'm definitely with you! With the exception of lending books to one of my aunts, I DO NOT LEND OUT BOOKS! Neither do I borrow, I purchase all of my books due to my love for collecting and reading. In the last three years I've decided to purchase books for people who seem interested in a particular author resting on my shelves or a title that I'm currently reading. Including my aunt,I rarely lend to her anymore, I just suprise with a great book.
I don't mind lending books out. At work, we have an unofficial book swaping club. But, I'm not a fan of borrowing books. I'm worried I might lose it, the dog will eat it, or I will take too long to read it.
ok, i do lend out books, but I have all my books listed on my computer so i can type in who has what, the date i lent it and so on, but i do not borrow books, i buy. i keep my library for the purpose of letting others borrow them who are not big buyers (as well as i re-read everything and can't stand the thought of giving away my books ... their my friends) and that is why i keep a record of my books and update it on a weekly basis, the way i buy books, i have to.I do have some books i don't lend out, mostly ones my aunt (who is also an author) has given my signed by some of my favorite authors, Madeleine L'Engle, Kathy Tyers, Lee Roddy among them
I no longer lend out any books! I have lost a far too many great novels. My sister and I swap books but no one else gets their hands on my collection, they are too precious to me!
I am a funny one. I like to be the first to read the book. Well, I do buy from used book stores but the book has to be in great condition (like new). When I get the book my husband or anyone else cannot read it before me. I will lend them out after I read them but people have to take care of them if it is a favorite. I am funny about the books staying pretty. lol
Ok. So how do you get people to NOT take your books? I hate lending books because I never get them back the way I lent them. But people know I have a huge library so they're always coming over and just picking out what they want. Sometimes I don't even know they're gone until I'm looking for a book. I've lost several books this way. These are people who are close to me so I don't want to be a grinch and hurt their feelings, but I hate losing my books!
I don't mind loaning my books out. For those who want to, but are worried about getting them back or forgetting about them, go on the Barnes & Noble website and find their little library kit thing. It has pockets and cards and stamps. You can check them out to your friend! It also has nameplates and other cool stuff in it.My friends and I often just give each other books we don't want anymore. Then there's no worrying about it. In fact, an online buddy of mine just sent me a book she didn't want anymore and I'm loving it. I hope I can return the favor to her soon.
Llama that's a great idea about keeping a list in a Word document of all the books I actually own. The list I have on here, goodreads, are most of the books I've read, not just the ones I own.
Meghan, you should confront them! If they are taking your books without asking, that is disrespectful. I know you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but maybe if you confronted them you would get the books back! The problem is, do you know who took which book? Or is it pretty much just one person?
No, it's been several people over the years. I've confronted them on the books that I know are gone and I always get the "oh it's missing?" I swear I put it back. The problem is they take them when they are over and I am not always watching them. It's always people who I've lent books to before (which I have stopped doing). It's not that they always keep them, it's an ocassional thing. And some of them are people who've borrowed books from my parents (who had an open library policy and always lent books out). They just assume I'm the same way, which makes me feel even worse when I have to tell them I'm not.I learned my lesson a long time ago to never lend books you want back. So I don't. People who take my books like to read but don't have the same reverence for books as I do.
But, as you know, this won't be an issue too much longer! heh
Last year you gave me a couple books... do you want them back? I thought they were ones you didn't like so you were giving them away... I think they were Carpe Demon, The Secret Life of Mrs. Claus, and Reading Lolita in Tehran. But if you want them back I'll bring them over! :)(Not to say I think you're talking about me, I'm just trying to make sure we understand each other. LOL)
i don't really like to borrow or lend books. there is only one friend that i swap books with, and that's only because i know she will take good care of my books and that she will return them when she is done. i hate lending a book to someone, and then have them return it in pieces, or all bent out of shape, if they even bother to return it. i sometimes highlight passages, or write notes in the margin, but i take care of all my books, and if i lend them out i expect them to be returned in the same condition that they were lent out in. therefore, i do not think that you are selfish. and i very rarely end up borrowing a book, just because, if i really like an author or a book i will end up buying it anyway since i love to re-read books. if i end up buying a book that i end up not liking, like you i just end up giving it away to someone that i think might enjoy it.
Badmuthagoose - Yeah, I put them on an Excel spread sheeet I have the colums set up with first the authors name, then the title, genre, and lastly series (if its in one). For my Star Wars books I also put those in Chronological order and put down the years as well. It took a two days to do my whole library (all 800) and then of course I have to keep updating it continually, but its so worth it.
No. I was definitely NOT talking about you. You've given me books and vice versa. And those weren't books to "borrow". No, I have people who don't ask (and I haven't offered), they either just take it or they tell me they've taken it (after doing so). I just hate it because I have no real way of knowing if I mislaid a book or if someone else took them. And I don't want to run around accusing people of something that they didn't do. But saying nothing isn't right either. Bleh.
Well, fortunately, like you said it won't be a problem much longer.I don't think anyone takes my books, because I don't usually have people over who are around my library, but I think I give books away and then forget that I've done it. There was a time I bought a sequel to a book I'd read over a year before, and I wanted to reread the first book but couldn't find it anywhere. Now I keep everything unless it's something I don't like and know I'll never want to revisit.
Buying books for people is a good idea, especially if it's a book I got off the bargain table (which is where I buy most of them).
Wellllllllllllll, I never used to like loaning books out. Now I just say I'm giving the book away because I don't know if I'll ever see it again.Certain books I'll part with. Others cannot leave the premises AT all. Some I don't even want others to touch. LOL
Sarah,I don't mind lending but I am very careful who I lend to. I also am very bothered when I lose a book because it's never returned, and annoyed when I have to repurchase a book. But sharing books with my friends and family is one of the reasons I like keeping books I've enjoyed.
I only loan books that are replaceable (not out of print, etc.), and if a person doesn't return the book (with only one reminder at the most - I resent having to bug people when THEY borrow stuff), I won't loan books to them again. I once had a paperback, read once, looked nearly new, returned in horrid condition - spine broken, pages bent, etc. I was shocked. I hate that as well. People may thier read paperbacks this way, and that's ok, but should understand they need to treat books belonging to others more carefully. I wouldn't loan to someone who did that either.
I have learned that some people do not understand the desire/need/want to keep books after they are read (yes, this is something I actually had to learn, LOL). When they borrow a book they really do not understand the importance of returning it - after all, we've read it already. They may enjoy books, but not to the extent I do. I think the person who returned my book in bad condition probably also was the same - it was just a book I'd already read, no big deal.
I have a friend now who is very good about returning books I loan him, and when he meets up with me to return them usually buying me lunch, dinner or coffee for my trouble :) I have no problem loaning books to him.
I also will buy books as gifts for family and friends that I think they'd enjoy. Which helps to recommend and share a book you've enjoyed with someone without your own copy being loaned.
Meghan - if someone asks to borrow a book and it's not someone I want to lend to I just tell them I don't like loaning my books because they tend not to be returned. I've found most people accept this, often with a sheepish understanding of my point. If they insist they'll return it I may loan one to them with the friendly warning that if it doesn't come back, without me bugging them, it'll be the last time. But I won't lend to aquantainces. I just nicely say "no", with my explaination. I don't know what to suggest regarding people that will borrow a book from your home without asking or letting you know. Probably they don't realize how that seems to you, don't understand the harm, but it's like they're treating your collection like their private shop. So many people do not understand the value of a book you've already read. They also are ignoring the expense of books, while at the same time being too cheap to buy their own.
I understand not wanting to cause a stink, but you're being more gracious than I would be if anything went missing in my home after someone visited. It's stealing, and that's how I would feel. I've taken a book on occassion when I"ve been to my sister's house because I know she doesn't mind, but I always tell her I'm taking it, and always return it. I just can't imagine someone taking a book from your home without your knowledge or consent. I'd be tempted not to allow that person back in my home. Or, if not wanting to upset the relationship, I might hide books they'd be likely to be interested in before they came over. I also think some people have a hard time grasping the fact that even though we may have hundreds of books, we actually do know what we have and will (eventually) most likely notice one missing.
After losing some books to several borrowers, some of the them irreplaceable, I've decided never to lend any of my books again. I'd rather buy another copy and give it to the person that wants to borrow my copy, or even photocopied the parts she or he needs. My wife and I are now on the same wavelength on this issue.
Actually, I'm not too concerned about minor creases etc., although once a friend returned a book he borrowed from me in "top" condition: blue underlines penned in almost every page, plus lots of marginal notes, also in blue ink, as if the book was his own. I decided then to give it to him, bought another copy, and made a mental note of not lending any to him again.
Since then I really don't care if people call me selfish because of this. Books are quite expensive for the average Indonesians like me, and foreign books are even more so. For me, there's just no other way than not to lend.
Actually, I'm not too concerned about minor creases etc., although once a friend returned a book he borrowed from me in "top" condition: blue underlines penned in almost every page, plus lots of marginal notes, also in blue ink, as if the book was his own. I decided then to give it to him, bought another copy, and made a mental note of not lending any to him again.
Since then I really don't care if people call me selfish because of this. Books are quite expensive for the average Indonesians like me, and foreign books are even more so. For me, there's just no other way than not to lend.
If I lend a book, it is the ones that I have in paperback, that I was going to give to the thrift store anyway. I never lend my hardbacks. My next door neighbor is an avid reader like myself, and she knows not to ask for my hardbacks....lol
I do lend books... and borrow them, as well. I don't borrow as much as I used to, because I do like marking as I read occasionally. I don't lend books that I'd be crushed if I didn't get back, unless it's to someone very trustworthy. I fell that way about anything-- when you lend it out, you have to have the mindset that if it doesn't come back, it's not the end of the world; if you don't feel that way, then don't lend.I lend more now because of my teacher mindset. I've found a few kids who love reading as much or more than I do, and I keep them supplied with books. (They are great about returning them, though.) There's something magical about hearing the words, "I need some good books to read--do you know of any? :)
This is in fact about lending books...has anyone heard about The Camel Library? [ see: camelbookdrive.wordpress.com]
Oh my gosh! This is amazing. As we are all book lovers, we should donate books to this endeavor. I am ready to go to Kenya myself!
I lend books, carefully. My books are my friends and I like to share my friends. I do keep track of them and if they don't come back in a timely manner, I chase them down. If they never come back, I don't hold a grudge, I buy another copy.I like hardbacks and keep the jackets on. I don't like to break the spine or dog-ear a page. I am strictly a bookmark person and instruct my borrowers of how to care for my books.
I agree with Sally. I have a deeper & deeper feeling each year that a book's life is to be shared!! So....though yes I do hesitate with my most favorite of either books OR MOVIES..to lend vicariously...still this is the purpose of art..to be shared, to engage those of us still thinking with new ideas.You know, that this reminds me I have 2 books to read loaned to me by the School Principal! YIKES!~ I have reading to do!!
You know...as I embark on writing I feel ever more strongly that books ought to be even MUST be shared!! In fact...I might not be who I am today was it not for those treasured books lent out to me!
I will lend almost any book in my collection out -I have a little "core" group that no -one gets! Most of those are 3rd or 4th replacements, because I found that when and if they did not return, I missed them enough to get another copy. I try to give away as many books as possible, as I think that books exist to be shared and enjoyed. I like leaving a good paperback that I have just finished in bus stations or travel stop lobbies. I will write the location of purchase of the book, and ask the next reader to note where they found it and drop it off somewhere when they have finished. Someone had told me about doing this years ago, and I loved the idea.
I have lent quite a few books that never came back; on the other hand, sometimes people press books on me that I am not too interested in and have yet to read and thus have not "yet" returned.The most painful example of a loaned book was one of my all time favorites, David Grossman's See Under: Love, which is admittedly unusual and perhaps deeply depressing, but a friend at work asked to borrow it when she heard me rave about it. I had been so enthralled that I read the first section (about 100 pages) in one sitting, without even blinking it seemed.
I did loan her the book (a hardback) when she was laid up for a while and I never got it back. She said she couldn't get past the first few pages. I grieved for years and looked and looked in local stores and finally bought a used copy of the paperback.
One friend and I often loan each other books, since we have some of the same tastes in genres and authors, and I will occasionally loan something to one sister, but for the most part I no longer loan people my books. I've had too many go missing, as well as a few that were ruined and never replaced (not just dog-earring corners or breaking the spine, but water damage). If I think a particular friend would like a book I've finished, I will either send it to them or buy a copy for them.
I don't lend books I need to keep, which are mostly computer manuals and the like. I won't give out my signed first edition, either. Books I've read, I won't read again, so if the wife has read them or doesn't want to read them, I don't loan them, I give them away. The person that receives them can do what they want with them. Then I don't have to see if they dog eared them or marked them or such. Most people I know that I give books to wouldn't do that anyway, it only took a few scoldings to get my wife to quit that. Of course, mostly the ones I give away are paperbacks, the few hardcover fiction books I buy I give to the library when we're done with them. They can either put them on the shelf or the Friends of the Library can put them in their book sales.
I cannot imagine getting a book back that was dogeared or even, gasp!, written in. That would be horrible.I don't lend out books because they are mine! Selfish? Yup. Do I care? Nope. I have been known to lend out books when I am making a suggestion to someone else. For example, I want a teacher to read this book so I bring it to him to read. I do let my sister borrow my books though I don't know if I am going to keep that up since she lost one of mine. ::sighs:: I "lend" books to my boyfriend but I don't know if that counts since he lives with me.
Three quotes spring instantly to mind:"Once a book falls into our possession, it is ours, the same way children lay their claim: 'That's my book.' As if it were organically part of them. That must be why we have so much trouble returning borrowed books. It's not exactly theft (of course not, we're not thieves, what are you implying?); it's simply a slippage in ownership or, better still, a transfer of substance. That which belonged to someone else becomes mine when I look at it. And if I like what I read, naturally I'll have difficulty giving it back."
-Daniel Pennac (Better Than Life)
"I mean your borrowers of books - those mutilators of collections, spoilers of the symmetry of shelves, and creators of odd volumes."
-Charles Lamb
"Everything comes to him who waits but a loaned book."
-Frank McKinney Hubbard
So i just got a dreaded email from someone in another office who wanted to borrow one of my books and said she would send me one of hers to read. We'd send them via interoffice Fed Ex...I hate having to explain to someone that I don't lend out my books, because I feel that if they have the idea to ask in the first place, they won't understand my anal, over-the-top possessiveness of my books! But I said no anyway.
I will lend out books , on occasion, but I have very strict rules that must be followed.1. No eating while reading them.
2. No DOG EARED PAGES (if they need a book mark I have a large supply on hand).
3. No going to the pool or beach with it (yes I can take them to pool or beach because I KNOW I will let nothing happen to them).
If they get through those rules okay and are not "scared away" I tell them I will see how they do with the first one,if they pass they can borrow more. However,if they borrow 3 they cannot borrow a 4th until the other 3 have made it back home.
Even Patrick knows my schpeal by now. MOst people don't bother and say they will get it from the Library on their own. Which, incidentally,was the main reason for coming up with such harsh rules.
I HATE lending people my books. I'm very possessive of my book collection.
I only lend to people who understand how to take care of a book and how to return it....and that is a very limited number of people - like 2. Just like the commenter above...I insist a bookmark be used, no folding of pages, no reading by a pool and you get written on a list just like the library checks you out....so do I. I keep a list with a date that the book went out and after a month or so, start asking for the book back.I don't know what it is about books but I just have to "own" them and don't like the library. It is almost as if the books on the shelves waiting to be read are my "To Read" list and the books there that have been read are my "Already Read" list and I like it that way! I also don't like to borrow because then the book doesn't get put back on my shelf as have been read.
This whole book thing sounds like an addiction to me....LOL.
I won't loan out my hardcovers or my favorite paperbacks, but paperbacks that I've bought secondhand or don't care for, I either lend out believing I'll never see them again (if I get them back, it's a pleasant surprise), or I leave them in public places with one of those "take this and read it" book plates in the front.Share the wealth, after all.
I am torn on this topic. I lend my books because I get excited to have someone else read something I loved and then discuss it with them. I know that if I don't lend it to the person, he/she may never read it. So...I lend the book and inevitably something happens to it. It either gets torn, stained or I never get it back! I am seriously considering not lending anymore. I don't know. I hate to deny someone an enjoyable reading experience! Oh yeah, and because the books that I lend out that come back to me come back in such bad shape I am afraid to borrow others' books lest I do something to it even though I am very careful with my own books! Of course, I usually want to own the book for myself anyway........
I will only lend to my dad. He takes better care of books than I do and always returns them promptly. If I lend him a hardcover with a torn dustjacket, he makes sure I know the dustjacket is torn before he leaves with it, ha.
I lend books freely, and without expectation of return. I buy only paperbacks, generally, and I seldom reread books. If I do want to reread something, I can usually get it used or at the library.In theory, I believe the Aboriginal people of Australia had the right idea about possessions: they weigh you down and make you lonely. But so far I've only been able to apply the philosophy to my books. (It helps that despite this seemingly generous ideology, I possess more books than I will read in this lifetime, and more than will fit in my house.)
I like the idea that knowledge is/should be freely exchanged. There should be nobody without means to obtain it. How, then, could I deprive someone I know from access to something I possess, am no longer actively using, and could easily replace?
P.S. I am not rich, and no, you can't borrow my iPhone.
I like Leo's comment best of all. That pretty much sums up my feelings exactly.
whoah - what a richly diverse thread. I loved everyone's comments; I'm especially happy that there are people more anal than me (sorry). I'm in both camps - some of my books aren't going anywhere, most I freely lend to close friends and relatives, I exchange paperbacks at the used-book store for credit, and I give away hardbacks because the used-book store only deals in paperbacks. I would hate to be easily categorized. Excellent comments, Ruby, thanks for the well-worded minority view!
I'm in the camp with the folks who've said, "I only lend to ___." I have one friend who cherishes books like I do, and I'll lend him anything. His wife, unfortunately, is a different case and I learned the hard way not to loan her anything I care about. (I've had to replace several of my vintage children's collection she borrowed.) Luckily they have completely different tastes, so she never wants a book he's borrowed. My books tend to fall into two categories: those I love (or iritate me into a new way of thinking--also valuable)and will almost never leave my possession and those that I read for a diversion and am happily ready to pass along. My mother-in-law gifts me with shopping bags full of grocery store romances that are wonderful for a few hours of escapism. Those go on to book drives and USOs and anyone who asks. (And I just discovered paperbackswap--glory be!)
I love to keep books that I enjoy. I do re-read some, but not all, and I especially love to re-read series when a new sequel is released (or before a movie version comes out). That's also why I don't usually borrow books from people or the library.
I take books I didn't like to the used book store or I give them to friends, but I don't like to loan my books.
Is there anyone else as selfish with their books as I?