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Non Book Talk > Making new friends at an old age

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message 1: by Holli (new)

Holli I'm having a really hard time with this and I know we have discussed it before in an older thread but I'm bringing it up again.

My whole life I've always made new friends very easily and this is the first time I'm just not doing it. I don't know if its because I'm 34, or because I don't work anymore, or because I moved to unfamiliar territory last year (Ohio) but I can't seem to meet ANYONE I want to be friends with. I meet people and they either don't have time to begin a friendship with me or I end up not liking their personality at all. I've met 5 people in the year I've been here and only one of them is someone I enjoy being with.

After a rather unsettling conversation this morning with a girl I thought would be cool to hang with here I've given up. As I sit here crying wondering what is wrong with me I thought I would turn to you unseen internet buddies....and ask you what to do.

Can you help me find a friend?? :(

message 2: by Sydney (new)

Sydney (sydneyh) Oh Holli! I'm so sorry! I know exactly what you're going through though. Okay, not exactly.
I moved to Milwaukee when I was 22, not knowing a soul, to go to grad school. I was the only single girl (though I was dating my now husband) in my class in my program. Everyone else was in their second and final year, they all knew each other and got along really well. They all graduated then and left me. I still knew next to no one (except my now husband).

I got a job, and made some superficial friends, but still didn't have that great girlfriend connection I was craving. It took my 5+ frustrating years to finally make some damned friends!

I accidentally joined a book club, and still didn't know if I was going to end up friends with these people. They were mostly older than me, they all owned houses and had kids... I was a newlywed who still lived in an apartment.

After a couple of years, I discovered I had a lot in common with these gals. The book club dissolved and reorganized, and I now have 3 gals I can't live without! They are my family now... as much sisters as my own sister.

All I can say is it takes time. Are there any clubs or volunteer organizations you can join? A church? Anything where you can find someone with similar interests?

I wish Ohio was closer to Wisconsin, because you could come over and hang anytime, then! :-)
It's not you... trust me. I have been in that position... wondering what it takes to make friends... and it just took time.

message 3: by Holli (last edited Aug 25, 2008 09:52AM) (new)

Holli Sydney.....thank you so much for taking the time to write that :) What a sweetheart you are and I SOOOO wish I was anywhere at all near Wisconsin! I've joined Big Brothers Big Sisters Project Mentor group which has not started yet and so that may bring some good people my way. I guess I should try to get a part time job too but I can't really work with my heart condition (Im not supposed to anyways) and it seems I just meet young kids in the jobs I can do now.

I really miss my friends back home in great girlfriends who I have always relied upon so much in my life. Its hard not seeing them or being close to them and talking on the phone is just not the same. I'm sure it will get better here in Ohio with time but honestly I have not met people who fit my personality here that well.

California and Ohio are worlds apart it seems in people's personalities and I'm wondering if maybe I just don't fit in here with the way they think. I feel as if I come across as abrupt or blunt and I'm trying to tone my personality down to fit in around here but that isn't what I want to do. I'd like to meet people who like me for me.........

message 4: by Amanda (new)

Amanda (randymandy) | 467 comments Myabe try taking a college course, Holli! Most colleges and community colleges have adult courses you can enroll in just for fun. Ya never know if you'll meet people or not, but hey, if not, at least you'll have learned something in the process!

Bloomin’Chick (Jo) aka The Eclectic Spoonie (bloominchick) There's nothing wrong with you Holli! I have the same problem now and I haven't moved out of state! It's harder as you get older and it's harder when you don't (can't) work!

I've found the following: Women are suspicious or untrusting of other women (married or single) even more so as we get older ~ They've already got their circle ~ Our lives are so different than theirs, they assume (incorrectly I think) they they have nothing in common with us!

I honestly don't know what to tell you since I'm in the same boat as you are! ;(

message 6: by Cyn (new)

Cyn | 258 comments HOlli~ I think we all have lived thorugh this at soem poitn in oru lives. WE go from college where there are always gazillions of friends to settling into a career/family and everything refocusses...then with a move...ugh!

I feel like my "friends" now are the parents of my kids' does take time

message 7: by Meg (last edited Aug 25, 2008 01:50PM) (new)

Meg (megvt) | 3069 comments Holli, I so wish I lived near you. I have work acquaintances but that is it. I yearn for close girlfriends, hell just friends would do. I don't have anyone that I call just to say let's have coffee.

When I moved to one area, a long time ago, I made friends through a newcomer's group. If you have that in your area it might be a fun place to start if they are active.

The older you get the harder it is to make new friends, especially when you move to a new area. Do you have an adult ed program in your area? Sometimes they have great courses (I took a furniture making course and loved it). Also do you have a local knitting store? Start a knitting club!

Can you join a gym? Light exercise classes? Want to move to VT?

Also is it especially hard for you right now because you were just with friends/family at the wedding? That always makes the coming home part much harder. A big hug to you.........

message 8: by Holli (last edited Aug 25, 2008 02:55PM) (new)

Holli I sincerely wish every damn one of ya lived in Ohio....the support and friendship you show me is tremendous and I love it!!

I'm going to look into an adult class because I think that's a great idea you have there Amanda and Meg. At least we would be adults and share the common interest of the class. I always loved school. Books and pencils and "get into your group" discussions. Oooh I'm excited!! I better get cracking on that huh??

Jo...I know you and I are in the same boat and at least we have each other to say good morning to in the mornings!! I do enjoy our morning IM chats...thanks for those :)

Cyn....if I had a family (kids) I think it would make it easier for me to infiltrate my neighborhood and the moms on the street. LOL Right now they look at me as some weird person saying hi to their kids when they ride by my house. Pathetic huh?

Meg I would love to move to Vermont and be your chatting coffee friend! How nice that would be....I really miss being able to call a friend up and ask them to meet me at Starbucks so we could discuss the latest issue brewing in my life. I did try a newcomer's group that Amanda suggested to me for Ohio but it seemed like a bunch of weirdos or they only met on weekends and I reserve that time for my BF since he works so much during the week. Thanks though Amanda (she found it online for me) ;)

I'm not a knitter and I can't exercise but moving to VT sounds great. I'm heading up there now!! LOL I wish ;-)

Yes it makes it harder to be surrounded by friends and family and then come home to NOTHING. No one to talk one to spend time with. No one to chat with. Lord I sound maudlin don't I??

Thanks for the help!!!

message 9: by Tera, First Chick (new)

Tera | 2564 comments Mod
I SUCK at making new friends.
1) I am actually pretty quiet until you get to know me. Then no one seems to remember that I was quiet at one time (a quality I am sure they wish was more apt in my personality).
2) I honestly get annoyed by most people too quickly to make any sort of real friendship with them. I know Im a jerk. I just have low patience or something.
3) I'm bad at fluff. If i dont think it or feel it I dont say it. So I have a hard time with weeks of fluffy talk that seem to be a required before any true friendship can be formed. I get bored or annoyed with it usually and find myself happy to move on and not deal with it.

Sheesh! I wouldnt want to be my friend after reading that!

When we moved here (last October) I was CERTAIN I wouldn't like anyone, no one would "get me" (as though I am terribly complicated but apparently I am egotistical enough to think that), or i just wouldnt fit in.

Time. It took time. But I can say now that I have a small handful of women here that I would consider a friend and they 'get me', they dont annoy me and somehow I fit.

I find when youre about ready to give up is when things happen. Stay true to yourself and put yourself in situations that you feel comfortable. School, work, church, clubs or classes.

You're totally likeable so don't worry. That comes from grouchy me so you know it must be true!

message 10: by Emily (new)

Emily (ejfalke) | 576 comments Tera said:
When we moved here (last October) I was CERTAIN I wouldn't like anyone, no one would "get me" (as though I am terribly complicated but apparently I am egotistical enough to think that), or i just wouldnt fit in.

Time. It took time. But I can say now that I have a small handful of women here that I would consider a friend and they 'get me', they dont annoy me and somehow I fit.

Do I count? I hope so! :)

Don't worry, hon! This does not reflect something bad about you. It sounds common enough, and I know I feel the same way.

My husband moved down to Austin last winter to work on setting up his practice, while I had to stay in Dallas to finish the school year (and live with my parents in the meantime, yay). He makes friends much easier that I do, and he had already made these friends who didn't know me at all by the time I finally got here for more than weekends. It was very uncomfortable at first because I would get jokes like, "So, Doug, who's your friend?" that would make me feel awful and unimportant. But now even though I feel completely comfortable with them, I am just starting to feel like they are "our friends" rather than just "Doug's friends." Plus, I am still making my own friends (like Tera!).

Keep going and trying. "If you build it, they will come..." (Sorry, couldn't help the Field Dreams allusion). Until then, LEAN ON US! We're here for you!

Bloomin’Chick (Jo) aka The Eclectic Spoonie (bloominchick) It's been suggested to me that I seek out support groups for younger disabled people like myself (it was even suggested to me that I seek out post domestic violence abuse support groups even though I am no longer in an abusive relationship) but I don't know how I feel about that honestly. The thought of it made me a bit uncomfortable.

I agree though that it does take time, especially when moving to an entirely new place!

message 12: by Tera, First Chick (new)

Tera | 2564 comments Mod
Of course you are! Silly you didnt even have to ask. Emily and I are nearly neighbors (one development over). We connected really quickly through our church bookclub and ended up talking afterwards. It is always so nice to be find someone that conversation just flows with and it isnt forced or a chore.
Thats when I know I've found someone I can relate to! (like Emily! - oh and her husband makes screamin good chili!)

message 13: by Inky (new)

Inky | 19 comments Keep the faith Holli — I once moved from California to Indiana and the culture shock nearly killed me. I landed in a place where everyone basically new each other their entire lives. Not an easy sitch to break into, especially when you're coming from a state where a good bit of the population is from somewhere else. I think that makes it easier to talk to others, knowing there's a good chance they're newbies too.

I made some fabulous friends in a pottery class -- artsy people are usually fun, don't you think? And I also met some great people volunteering as a reading tutor. Have you thought about joining groups like the League of Women Voters or the American Association of University Women? Both were pretty big in Indiana and the members are usually pretty smart cookies.

I've moved around a lot in my life and I've always found that my best friends have come from serendipitous meetings. In Indiana, my best friend turned out to be the woman who sat next to me at work. In college, I met my best friend when she tried to sneak in front of me in line to add a class. Here in Las Vegas, I met one of best friends on a geology tour. You never know where you're going to find them.

So keep your heart open and your chin up. In the meantime, we Chicks have got your back:)

message 14: by Stacy-Deanne (new)

Stacy-Deanne Stacy-Deanne (wwwgoodreadscomstacydeanne) | 14 comments Hi Holli, I am new by the way and wanted to comment on your post. I am sorry you're so down and being an author, I live an isolated life so I know how hard it is to just make friends. I never try to "make" friends anymore. I think this is where we all go wrong. Actually trying to stir up a relationship with someone always seems to backfire. Especially if you don't know them well enough.

What I find best for me is just doing something I like to do or getting involved with things dealing with my interests. From there, usually friends come naturally. It must come naturally and if it is meant for you to be friends with someone, it will happen. A lot of us try to force a friendship and it just doesn't work. I believe that if you get into something you really enjoy, you'll find a friend without even looking. In fact, the best of friends arrive when we don't expect them. We just have to be patient and trust that people will enter our lives when they are supposed to. If a particular person doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be. It's the same with finding a lover.

I'm 30 now and to tell you the truth, the older I get, the more I enjoy being alone. I am not married and I don't have children. I love that! I have nothing against kids but I don't want any and never did. I wouldn't mind having a steady guy friend at times, if it happens. Yet I'm not waiting on it. I've been down that road and my last relationship sucked so... Anyway, my career has always come first for me. I have a big family but other than talking to them every once in a while, I don't correspond with them much. It's not because I don't love them, but I am a homebody and a solitary person and never was one to be all in the crust of social gatherings. They understand this and realize that's just how I am. It used to bother me that I didn't have many friends but now, I am more comfortable with myself and realize I am different and that there is nothing wrong with that. It started to cherish what I liked about not having too many folks around me, LOL. I like my space and I always feel like someone new is gonna come along and try to change my world upside down or something. I like how my life is now and I like how I am living right now, LOL.

I have friends, but not the kind that I see all the time. In fact my best friend lives in a different city and we talk on the phone maybe once every two weeks just to check on each other. I am alone but I am not lonely. You know what's funny? I am happier than people I know who have loads of friends. They're always in a pickle and wonder why I'm so carefree and relaxed all the time. I am very happy and part of this is because I realized that it's better to accept how I live and how I am than to try to make a friend that may turn out to be a hindrance other than a blessing. I'd open the door to true friends far and wide! But unfortunately good, true friends are very hard to find.

message 15: by Someone (last edited Aug 26, 2008 10:20AM) (new)

Someone  Youmayknow (momar13) Hi all, I do want to say that I *wish*I lived near all of you since I am going through this same thing. Having recently gone back to college at an "older age" making friends there was easy but moving to a new city is making it harder and all those friends are far behind me now. All the advice you are giving is great. School was a super place to meet people. The pottery class idea is also a good one. I wish I had time after work for knitting class, I loved that and Belly Dance class was where I met one of my best friends who ended up a community college with me!

message 16: by Bloomin’Chick (Jo) aka The Eclectic Spoonie (last edited Aug 26, 2008 06:27AM) (new)

Bloomin’Chick (Jo) aka The Eclectic Spoonie (bloominchick) I agree - some kind of beginner artsy class is a great idea! Ck out the local knitting shops & what not, even the county park system! I just picked up the Fall listing for the county parks and they've got some FANTASTIC knitting, pottery, painting, quilting and other classes at great prices! Even bus trips to tri state area places and events! (I may take the one to Salem, Mass from 10/17 thru 10/19 even if I can't find someone to go with me! (Hubby can't because we've got too much to do here at the apt complex). I've always wanted to go to Salem during October even though I've heard it's very gimmicky and cheesy at other times of the year!!!)

Also, check out your local Barnes and Noble and Borders (and independant local book shops) to see what groups meet there ~ our B&N has a knitting group, a creative writing group and multiple book groups!

Yes, I know this is the pot calling the kettle black and I should take my own advice, BUT since I can't drive by myself (yet ~ long story - health reasons) I don't feel like carting my MOM around with me during the week while Hubby's at work! (Nuff said?!)

message 17: by Paige (new)

Paige | 43 comments Hey Holly

You know that I have to move constantly with the military so this is a nearly constant thing I go through with each move. From reading this thread it appears there are a lot of other people out there who are a tad lonely and just need someone else to reach out to them. I see it all the time in the military community, wives who don't know a soul but don't know how to reach out either.

Keith and I have perfected our 'friend making' ways with the last 2 moves. We live in places for a fairly short time, so we don't have years to develop relationships, and who wants to wait years to have friends either!

So this is our pattern. Instead of going out and hunting people down (church, classes etc.) we always invite people over to our house. When we first moved here, we invited people we barely knew like some of our neighbors and some people from Keith's work, etc. We basically had dinner parties and got to know these people and we do this at least twice a month (when Keith is home). We have our old favorites who come and always new people too. We turn them into potlucks, game night, etc. and this opened the door to many other people. I promise this works amazingly fast!!!

Now that Keith is gone I have all these people whom I call regularly to go out and do something. And a wide range in ages too. Not everyone of these people are best friend material, but I love having them around.

message 18: by Kate (new)

Kate | 106 comments Oh Holli! Don't cry! You need to have faith. I moved to Florida about three years ago and didn't know anyone. At first I clung to my work friends, who are still the greatest. But I also knew that I needed to have friends outside of my job (because the friends at work end up talking about work A LOT). I made friends with a girl that I took classes with at my local gym. We took the same ones all the time and started talking. Then, we started standing by one another. Eventually, it lead to going out for glasses of wine and chatting.

By going out places, you tend to meet the "regulars." At this coffee house in my town, every Wednesday night is a music night. You go every week and see the same people. And maybe it is because the vibe is cool there, it is easy to talk to people and make friends.

And I agree with all the people who suggested a class of some type. Then, not only are you learning about something you are interested in, you are also meeting people. Book clubs could be great too. Maybe your local library has something?

I have faith that your new friends are out there. Good luck!

message 19: by Robyn (new)

Robyn (roxy_nj) | 354 comments Well, gee. I came in to give you some "I feel your pain" words and my version of advice (since I feel like I am going through the same thing) but it looks like you've already got a lot! :-) I think I will read through it all and apply some to my little true-friendless world. ;-)

I do understand what you are going through, Holli. We talked about that some. Its hard to not have that one (or two) person who you can call when you are bored or want some company while you run errands. And once you meet some one nice, how do you transition to that type of friendship, IF they are even interested. Its dating for friends!

Tera - I'm so gald to hear you say you loose patience with people quickly. We sound similar....I start off quite and either I take to someone right away or they bug the hell out of me after awhile.....I tend to be a fault-seer. Makes me feel pretty jerky at times too.

Bloomin’Chick (Jo) aka The Eclectic Spoonie (bloominchick) Ah yes, the local libraries! (Duh!!!) They've also got a lot going on!

message 21: by Tera, First Chick (new)

Tera | 2564 comments Mod
*jerky girl high five* to people who are impatient jerks but still need friends. (someone should make a bumper sticker from that fumbling)

message 22: by Someone (new)

Someone  Youmayknow (momar13) Jo...where are you? We might be near each other?

message 23: by Holli (new)

Holli I really have loved reading all of your posts to me and you made me smile and lifted my hermit-like spirits today!! I was planning on being mopey and sitting on the couch all day watching my Y&R shows I'm behind on and now I feel like researching classes and going down to B&N to see what they have going on I can do. I'm thinking a cooking class might work for me as I'm not really the crafty type of girl and would rather be taking pics or making food than knitting or doing pottery but THANK YOU to those that suggested those things because your suggestions are what got me thinking about some of the things I would like to do. (that was a scary run-on sentence if I've ever seen one!)

Tera~~~ you hit the nail on the head with your comment on how you can't stand to do the fluff kinda talk that seems to be required now in starting friendships. I'm so not into that. I guess maybe I scare people off because I'm more intense and deep than others and I like to dig down to the root of people. Some call that rude....I call it curious....tomato/tomahto! ;) I also can't stand when a person I meet suggests we hang out and then continues to suggest it a million times more even though I keep saying "just let me know when!!". Seriously...if you are that busy...don't suggest it!!

Stacy-Deanne~~~~ welcome to the group and thank you for the "I'm ok with being with myself" side of things. That made me feel better because really there are times when I want a friend desperately and then there are times when I feel a friend will ruin my daily "eat lunch by myself and read time". So I got what you were saying and I appreciate the thoughts and advice you had to share from that perspective!

Paige~~~~ Hi :) Haven't heard from you in awhile (was loving the military gossip you were sending my way) so i hope everything is going ok for you and your man! How is he doing? I love your friend making idea and it would be PERFECT for me to do but my boyfriend is a big-time introvert and he would get full blown anxiety if I suggested having strangers over to dinner. I really wish I could implement that into our lives but he's resistant. :( BUT...I'll figure out a way to do that in my daily life that works for me!!

Emily~~~ I envy you being able to hang with Tera. Lucky dog!! I do have a friend from GR who lives sorta kinda close to me so maybe her and I can meet in the middle somewhere one day. Might work...worth a shot.

Inky~~~ I loved your thoughts about moving to the MidWest form California. Are you originally from CA or was that just another place you had moved to? It seems my best friends came from other friends over my lifetime so I think that's where I'm running into a problem out here. Any of you have any friends who live in Columbus Ohio?? LOL

Kate and Roxy and Jo.......your warm thoughts and well wishes are greatly appreciated and I thank you so much for chiming in!! Kate---how was the wedding???

I am absolutely thrilled to have ALLLL of your support and good thoughts coming my way. You ladies mean the world to me and I really can't wait until our Chicks on Lit weekend so I can see you in person and give you hugs!!

message 24: by Robyn (new)

Robyn (roxy_nj) | 354 comments Tera, bumper sticker ideas....
Jerks need friends too!
Be my friend damn it! No wait, you're annoying! Go away!
I may be jerky but I make a good friend....just don't do anything stupid.

Holli, can it be....are you the analytical type too? I always find myself trying to figure out what makes people tick...figure out what is really going on. I think when people see you want to know more then whats on the surface they get scared. And if they're a bunch of sissy 'fraidy cats then who wants them as friends. ;-)

message 25: by Someone (new)

Someone  Youmayknow (momar13) Oh my word Roxy! I want all those bumper stickers!!!

message 26: by Holli (new)

Holli Yes that's exactly it Roxy! When I first meet someone I want to know everything about them so I can figure out what kind of people they are. I'm listening to what they are saying but I'm also listening to what they AREN'T saying and I tend to freak people out when I ask them personal things too soon in the friendship. Or I blab too much about myself in order to find some common deeper thread we may share. All of this scares people off I think :)

message 27: by Tera, First Chick (new)

Tera | 2564 comments Mod
Roxy you need to work for Halmark. Those are GOLD!

message 28: by Courtney (new)

Courtney (courtneyclift) | 61 comments Holli,

I just found this thread and I just can't believe how alike we are! I feel the same way you do about so many things I wouldn't know where to start to share information to get to know you, but I think we're off to a good start. I seem to make a lot of friends from Ohio (and friends I grew up with in Illinois who ended up there...although I too was California born...). It's ironic also that I almost went to school there (I applied to Dennison & Ohio Wesleyn, sp?) but went to Syracuse U before moving to work in NYC and ultimately living in NJ.

Anyway, I'm so glad I found you and that we are becomming friends...indeed with a whole bunch of "Goodread Chicks"!


message 29: by Holli (new)

Holli Hey there Courtney! Good to see ya on the Chicks boards :) I really am enjoying getting to know you and I'm loving our conversations so far. Who knew the show Swingtown would get me a friend?? By the way......have you been watching that still or did you have to quit? ;) If you ever come out to Ohio pleeese let me know so we can get together!!

message 30: by Robyn (new)

Robyn (roxy_nj) | 354 comments Holli,
yup yup. totally

message 31: by Rachelle (new)

Rachelle I find it hard to make new friends also, I am an open book about the basic details of my life but when it gets "real" I get shy and think people will laugh at my true thoughts and feelings. I have gone through my life being called diffrent when I express an opinion so now I am very careful who gets to see the true me. I feel as long as I get to the "dating" part of a friend then it doesn't take long to figure out if they are true or not.

message 32: by Kathryne (new)

Kathryne (katiehepburn) | 84 comments Oh my gosh! Now I know why this is such a special group. Emily you are not egotistical! Holli you are so special. Tera I understand about loosing patience with people.

I love people so much, but some humans simply are more complicated than others. That is not necessarily bad or good, but I think they are the fewer of the whole, and it is harder to find that meeting of the minds.

I know I cannot even maintain a conversation of 'fluff'. My mind wanders away and I ultimately offend or bore those around me. When I do enter the conversation I tend to talk of 'meatier' subjects, and I've been told that I'm 'too deep'. Maybe it's Idaho; I joke about that a lot. But, I am amazed at what we think is deep over here. Maybe it's that way everywhere, I don't know.

All I can say is, this particular group is quite successful for an online reading/bulletin board type group, I think partly because we are a different kind of personality, not better - just different. Alhtough, we are very special, in my opinion.

message 33: by Kathryne (new)

Kathryne (katiehepburn) | 84 comments P.S. My family thinks I need those bumper stickers.

message 34: by Robyn (new)

Robyn (roxy_nj) | 354 comments Since you guys liked my bumper stickers and Holli was itching for a poll ;-) ....

Friend Bumper Sticker Poll

message 35: by Holli (new)

Holli Rachelle and Kathryne both....when I was a small child I was a bossy, creative, talkative, independent free spirit and I loved it. When I started school my family noticed me conforming to everyone else so I could fit in and one day when I was 8 years old my grandma sat me down and told me that no one was better than me and that if i ever felt that way I needed to remind myself that everyone is equal. She told me that over and over and over and with my grandpa encouraging me to be myself ALWAYS and never care what anyone thinks about me I grew back into that bossy, creative, talkative, independent, free spirit. I was raised in a family that never put you down for thinking outside of society's box and so I'm never afraid to speak my mind or ask questions or be totally off the wall. I'm not saying that doesn't get me in trouble at times with people and obviously there are some Ohio people who don't like it * ;) * but I don't care. I'm going to continue being me because I know the people I truly care about love me know matter what I say or do.

I hope the two of you will show us your "true" thoughts and feelings and be comfortable enough in this group to do so anytime you want. At least know if you share those thoughts and feelings with me I won't judge you!! I'll never think you are different Rachelle or you are too outspoken Kathryne :) Being different and outspoken to me shows intelligence, creativity, and makes for an interesting individual and I'd rather have those people as friends than the ones who stick with the group and always say the "right" thing. Never be afraid to show your true colors ladies.........I know this group is filled with a HUGE rainbow of people I'm excited to get to know!!

message 36: by Robyn (new)

Robyn (roxy_nj) | 354 comments Holli your grandparents sound so cool!

message 37: by Holli (new)

Holli Yes they are/were. My mom raised me to be her friend meaning she leaned on me for advice and help and just an ear when she needed one from when I was REALLY young to this day. Not good from a psych standpoint honestly because it caused me to grow up quick and it also fostered a kind of sister relationship for us rather than a mother/daughter one but it made us best friends and I love that. My parents divorced when I was 3 and my dad has never had any idea how to be a father so I turned to my mom's parents for those roles. They were our babysitters (we never stayed with strangers) and so I spent ALOT of time with them and their house is what i consider my "home away from home". Where I go for help and rest and whatever I need really. During my childhood my grandma mothered me (giving advice, discipline, great Southern food, and a cold washcloth on my forehead when I needed one) and my grandpa became my father figure. He taught me to ride a bike, built me a dollhouse, gave me money, took me to McD's everytime I asked...we were EXTREMELY close. He died when I was 19 and I miss him terribly to this day.

He and my grandma did so much for me in shaping the kind of person I am today. My mom did too....I'm just like her actually......and I love my mom to death.....but it was nice to have 3 parents in my life!!!

message 38: by Courtney (new)

Courtney (courtneyclift) | 61 comments I am so crying right now after reading all these BEAUTIFUL posts! Holli, no matter where you are you obviously have a lot of people who support you, and a family and boyfriend that love you. You're never alone even when you feel lonely...and WE ALL do!

Having grown up in Illinois 6 - 15, I never felt I belonged there and when I go to see my family there I still don't ever feel as I belong. I'm just a "coast" kind of girl: Whether East or West give me an ocean every time and I belong and it sounds like you are too. You'll find some lovely friends in Ohio in the meantime I'm sure, then hopefully you'll end of home again soon (you still haven't told me why Ohio and I can't find in your posts...).

Peace and love,

message 39: by Courtney (new)

Courtney (courtneyclift) | 61 comments If I'm in Ohio, I'm there to see you!

yes, still watching SWINGTOWN and actually am getting tense because I know they all end up divorced and suicidal (over real life pilot character: when he left one for other each woman tried suicide to get his sympathy back and he ended up at the time going back to original wife's bedside...)


message 40: by Holli (new)

Holli Oh thank you so much Courtney! I do know how much I'm loved and cared for and I'm extremely grateful for the faraway support I get from you all on here and from my friends and family in CA. I WILL feel better once I get back to the West Coast but for now Ohio will have to be ok too.

Everytime we watch Swingtown I think of you and wonder what you would have to say about it :) I really like Trina.....her character is just the right amount of complex for me!

message 41: by Sydney (new)

Sydney (sydneyh) Holli... you and I are so much alike! I was also bossy, independent, creative as a child. I think I'm still that way to some degree today. But what's weird, is I've become shy as an adult. I was never shy when I was little, in fact, I CRAVED the attention of adults. I always wanted to impress older people. But now when I find myself in a crowded room, or at a meeting or convention where I know no one one, I'm nervous. It takes everything in me to be the first person to start a conversation with a stranger and do the whole "where do you work, where are you from" routine. I don't know at what point I got so afraid of people and what they think, but it did happen. I'm trying to get over it though.

message 42: by Holli (new)

Holli You know what Sydney? To a degree I found as I got older I didn't put myself "out there" as much either. It was almost like I got tired of always striving to be the center of attention and I'm much more willing to sit and observe now than be the one everyone is looking at in the room. I don't at all mind talking to strangers and getting to know them but like I've said before I get bored quickly with the banalities of "first time" conversation if the other one isn't willing to go a little deeper at first. maybe I should work on that....sounds kinda mean doesn't it?

But yes....I do feel as if I've calmed now somewhat in my old age LOL

message 43: by Rachelle (new)

Rachelle Old age? Who's old here? I certainly am not, I like to think of it as brain age. As my brain gets older my mouth moves slower and now I try to think before I speak instead of blurting the first thing I think of. I guess instead of conforming I have learned to play my cards close to my chest. Like you, though I am bossy because let's face it, I'm always right! LOL. I am still very outspoken and just diffrent, which now at 32 doesn't bother me as much as it did when I was in school. I still carry the lasting effects, though, of being called weird or being told my views were unusual. I guess as you find your world expanding you realize weird isn't so bad or so weird after all.
Holli, thank you for the kind words and I hope you find a close girlfriend there in your neighborhood. If not, you have a whole expanded network of girlfriends at your fingertips!

message 44: by Holli (new)

Holli You are very welcome Rachelle and I'm looking forward to seeing your thoughts on the posts!! ;) As Drew Barrymore has said "Let your freak flag fly!" I just love Drew Barrymore.....what a cool chick......

message 45: by Brandie (new)

Brandie (brandiemichelle) Holli,
I just read this thread and I wanted to say that I can totally relate and as I'm reading everyone elses comments can see I'm not alone! I used to be able to make friends easily because I'm way too trustworthy - but now I find it really hard to trust anyone because I always get stabbed in the back. I can be way too outspoken sometimes which some people consider 'bitchy' and other times I don't speak up enough - which is when people walk all over me. So it has made it very hard to make any real friends that I can call up at any moment for any reason. I always feel like I can't be myself around people - so the only person that sees the real me is my fiance. I used to long for a friendship like that - someone real and true that I could trust with anything like a sister I never had - but decided it's just me against the world. ;0) But I have lots of 'book' buddies that I enjoy conversing with!

message 46: by Holli (new)

Holli Brandie you are in trouble now because I see YOU live in Ohio ;) How far are you from Columbus?? Too far to grab lunch somewhere? lol

I'm really discouraged to see how many of you have been stabbed in the back or told to curb your personality or been made to feel as if your thoughts were too strange to publicize. What is wrong with the world today?? I think its sad when we are ostracized because we don't think like everyone else or look like everyone else or talk like them. That's just ridiculous to me...there is way too much prejudice in this world. Of ALL kinds.

I have friends who are like what you describe Brandie (someone real and true that I could trust with anything like a sister I never had) but they are all the way in California and I'm just going to decide to be happy with my online group of gals who support me and care about me and screw all these other women here who don't like me in this town!! LOL

But seriously Brandie.....I'm willing to drive to Canton....wherever that is..... :) OH WAIT.....I know where Canton is. That's the Football Hall of Fame town isn't it?? We may be going there BF needs to see it. as I'm sure most men must do in their lifetime. ;)

message 47: by Brandie (new)

Brandie (brandiemichelle) ha ha...i actually live only two blocks away from the hall of fame! but i'm moving soon to Akron - which isn't that far from Canton. we're about two and a half hours from Columbus. we could meet up with my soon to be sister in law - Rachelle...who is posting on this thread too! ;0) we all have too much in common not to be friends!

it is very discouraging when we try to make friends and try to change in order to be accepted. i'm so incredibly tired of trying to please people and feeling like i have to be someone i'm not just to make friends. it's hard to find a true friend who accepts me as i am and won't judge me or hurt me by abusing my trust. i've had SO many friends who have abused my trust and that's why it is so hard for me to make friends now. i feel like it's impossible sometimes.

in all head up this way and we can meet up!

message 48: by Rachelle (new)

Rachelle Brandie babe can I come too?

message 49: by Holli (new)

Holli Well, well....what a small world :) I love it....this is great :) Is it possible for us to meet in the middle somewhere? I'm afraid my car is a 8 year old Dodge Neon with 214,000 miles and I'm afraid it may be on its last leg. I don't want it taking a crap in the middle of nowhere!! LOL

When do you move to Akron Brandie? Is that closer to Columbus or farther away? And congrats on your engagement!! When's the big day?

You know you sister in law is one of my best friends so after reading both of your posts you guys sound like a "best friendship in the making" :)

message 50: by Brandie (last edited Aug 27, 2008 06:05PM) (new)

Brandie (brandiemichelle) yes...i adore Rachelle and i'm thrilled she's going to be my sister-in-law. we share many things in common! she's one of the only ones i can be completely honest with and have been.

Akron is about the same distance from Columbus as Canton. But I see no reason why we couldn't meet in the middle one Saturday afternoon! Things will be a little crazy for me the next few weeks - I'm getting married next Friday. Thanks for the congrats! Then we'll be moving right after that, and hopefully be settled in a month. but let's seriously plan something!

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