Interracial and African American Paranormal discussion

Off Topic: Interracial Dating

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message 1: by Kenya (new)

Kenya Wright hmmmm I'm married to a black man now. But when I was single I dated any race. I never got harrassed for it, but I was also living in areas where there wasn't alot of black people, so it was pretty normal for the few blacks in the city to date outside of their race. When I went to predominately black areas I date more black men, but I did see a few sistas harrass people for IR dating. I could have cared less though. LOL!

message 2: by ☺~Tina~☺ (new)

☺~Tina~☺ (tina007) | 65 comments I've only dated outside my race once. We had fun...everyone else didn't! Harassed was an understatement. We we all the way to he almost got disowned by his family. My family didn't say anything until it was over then it was, "Thank Goodness, I thought you were going to marry him". But we never said it was going to go that far we were just having fun.

I'm married to a black man also, but I've never had a preference. I like what I like, if they were another race so be it. I did flirt with a lot of hispanics, whites and native americans, but we never went past flirting, well I never went past flirting. I'm sure if they had the chance they would have gone way past it lol.

If I wasn't married I would do the same. I see nothing wrong with dating outside your race I only have a problem when someone thinks another race is superior and that is the reason for them dating outside their race.

message 3: by T.Say (new)

T.Say | 6 comments I'm African-American married to an African-American. I have dated outside the race. Had a problem once when we had dinner in his neighborhood where it was all white...literally. Other than that he mostly kept black friends. His family was liberal. It never got too serious but not because of his race. Right now I enjoy interracial story lines with a WOC as protag. especially a black woman. This directly debunks the myth that women of color are seen as less desirable especially African-Americans or other black women.

Good topic. Hope others answer.

message 4: by Troysmom09 (new)

Troysmom09 | 103 comments I'm Black married to a Mexican and we are raising a Blaxican....LOL. I have always dated outside of my race in fact the only "black" man I dated was from Trinidad so is that an IR relationship?

I grew up in a all white area and feel comfortable and embrace people of all nationalities. I think growing up in the Los Angeles area I didn't have the problems most people come across in most IR's.

Interestingly the most hostility or open disapproval I receive is from Black men. I will never forget the time I was at disneyland with my White boyfriend. We were holding hands in line (we were 15 at the time) an old black man (who was with a white women!!!) started yelling at me that I should know better. Just one of those things that have stuck with me over the years.

A question I have is if you DO have any problems with an IR relationship usually who do they come from?

The FountainPenDiva, Old school geek chick and lover of teddy bears (thefountainpendiva) | 156 comments My significant other of ten years is Mexican. He's got long hair, plays keyboards in a metal band and we met at a goth club. We dress up as peasants and run around Renaissance Faires. There are not a whole lot of black men who are into these scenes and the few who are, are usually dating or married to women of other races. I've dated men of all races but the most important thing is that we have shared interests and nothing attracts me more than brainy men.

message 6: by ☺~Tina~☺ (new)

☺~Tina~☺ (tina007) | 65 comments I got the most flack from black men too. Only one girl had a problem with it but then she had a problem with me why I don't know because I didn't even know the girl. But here is the kicker...her mom is white??? How can you have a problem when your mom is white and your dad is black?

message 7: by The FountainPenDiva, Old school geek chick and lover of teddy bears (last edited Feb 25, 2011 03:04PM) (new)

The FountainPenDiva, Old school geek chick and lover of teddy bears (thefountainpendiva) | 156 comments Isn't it ironic that black men who are so against interracial dating are the ones who like to throw history in our faces? The fact is, it has been black males who have dealt with the consequences of crossing the color line when it comes to white women. Whaat was the entire matter of the Scottsboro Boys centered around? The false charges of rape by two white women. 14 year-old Emmitt Till was brutally murdered and he did nothing more than act like a typical little boy and take a dare to say something juvenile like "hey baby" to a white woman. It was a BLACK WOMAN and her WHITE HUSBAND who had the balls to challenge anti-miscenegenation laws--Loving v. Virginia. What cracks me up is when I listen to some of the gangsta rap (that's what my brother blasts in his truck when we go to the gym), the rappers are totally bragging about all the types of women they've slept with (and they all have long hair), but when Lil' Kim made the same boast about the men of different races she'd been with, some black guys got offended.

I seriously don't have a problem with black men who date or marry outside the race. It's not business. What I do have a problem with are those black men who do so, but they try to place the blame on their choice solely on the shoulders of black women. You know the nonsense that gets spewed--we're too materialistic, have too much attitude, don't let a man be a man (whatever that means). Just man up and say hey, this is the woman I want and let that be the end of it. I didn't chose my significant other because of his race, nor have I ever chosen a partner because of it. I just never saw the need to be dateless and waiting around for a black man to be into the kind of things I was into. Ironically, I've had a few black women tell me that's what I should have done--that either I should stop going to metal shows and goth clubs, or if I do go, wait for a black guy to notice me. I'm like, uh no.

The FountainPenDiva, Old school geek chick and lover of teddy bears (thefountainpendiva) | 156 comments It's rather interesting how quickly the detractors jump on this guy's case. I often wonder is it because they actually care about black women or do they care more about a numbers game. On the other hand this is a topic that needs to be discussed honestly and solutions found. I'm getting a little tired of hearing about the high rates of incarceration and dropping out. That's our own doing, placing rappers above doctors. Our boys measure success by Jay-Z and not by Barack Obama. That seriously needs to change. Another reason I rail against BET and other media outlets that only showcase the worst of black america. And black women need to stop accepting the guilt trip for finding healthy relationships outside of our own.

message 9: by WillowBe (last edited Sep 12, 2011 11:34AM) (new)

WillowBe (booklurver) | 21 comments sorry I don't understand how to use the links and stuff in the "somehtml is ok" link. WSJ had an interesting article last month written by a Black Male professor stating that Black women should marry out! He has an ew book- " Is Marriage just for White People?" I kid you not! Google "WSJ + interracial marriage" and it should be the first link.

FTR, I am BF married to a white guy, older than me (but looks young for his age), for 11 years, been together for 18. No kids, due to our own fault. I think people are familiar with us in our little neighborhood- we live in Houston.

The only outstanding problem is that my father won't let my husband in "his" house, for the last 18 yrs. It's a problem, a painful one, but we've dealt with it. My mother is old school and allows my father his old school rights (my house my rules- though she worked and paid her half). So until he dies, this is how it is. The rest of my family likes my husband fine but can't speak against my dad for fear of lots of drama.

In small towns we visit, people stare; but I think these days, people are more aware of interracial relationships, so it doesn't shock them, esp in the Big City. I don't go to many prototypically Black events where Black men can take me to task!

I have dated several white guys, and dated black guys exclusively for 7 years. Not much difference between the two, except, the Black guys were downwardly mobile. Perhaps if i'd met someone with an education, things would have been different.

Most importanty, the White guy is the only one who ASKED me to marry him. So there you go.

message 10: by Tina (new)

Tina I've been in an IR marriage for 15 years and have two sons. We've never had an issue really. His family are blue collar/rural whites who hail from Northern PA and many of whom are farmers. Judging from a few things he's let drop before we got married, they aren't exactly progressive people. But never have they said or done anything rude or offensive or anything to ever make me feel uncomfortable. Even the grands and great-grands who are from an earlier generation have been nothing but polite and welcoming. And they adore the kids. But they are dyed in the wool Reagan republicans and loathe Obama and it ain't just cuz he's a democrat. It is weird because without a doubt I know they like me and claim me as family and love the kids, but there is that... thing... that hovers that says they aren't 100% down really with IR relationships in general. But have chosen to embrace just this one. Probably because my husband is like an alien to them anyway -- what with his long hair and playing jazz music and getting that expensive degree.

My mother's side of the family is a multi-culti dream. I have cousins, aunts & unlces who have also married across the color line, not just white but Asian & hispanic as well. My stepfather is biracial. I have one male family member who is both gay and in an IR relationship. My maternal grandmother is one of the most liberal, progressive, down-to earth people you'd ever want to meet while still being and old skool Southern Grandma who'll beat you with a willow switch and make some killer collards and cornbread. So they didn't even bat an eyelash when I got married. Just one more to add to the pile.

My father's side of the family is very bourgie. everyone is a doctor, lawyer, banker. They summer on the Vineyard. Those kind of people. My paternal grandmother made me do a deb ball, for goodness sake. While they have welcomed my husband with open arms, they are a bit more reserved. You see, it isn't his color -- it is his class. They are very classist and my hubby comes from yeoman stock. My mother comes from yeoman stock, hence the reason my parents got divorced before I even got into high school. My paternal grandmother was genteely appalled at my hubby's family at the wedding. LOL, we still get a kick out of that. My mother told me don't worry she felt that way about her too.

Outside the family dynamics we really haven't felt any weirdness from strangers, ever.

message 11: by WillowBe (new)

WillowBe (booklurver) | 21 comments Wow, Tina. You are incredibly blessed in your family and the acceptance you've been gifted with. I had always hoped we'd have kids, not least bec that would have forced the visiting issue. No husband allowed? No grandbabies allowed. Alas, it was not to be.

Deva, you cracked me up about your mom thinking your BF was going to kill you. Black paranoia rears it's head again! My mom loves my husband (after all,now I'm HIS problem, not hers!) but she won't pass the doorstep to enter the house if I'm not home. I think there's a level of ingrained discomfort about being alone with a White man.

She rarely comes in my house at all, actually, and I can't get a straight answer about it. Maybe our three indoor cats are the real problem? LOL!

message 12: by [deleted user] (new)

I am not only in a interracial relationship, Im also in a intercultural relationship. Being Afro-Cuban, I am Cuban, but I am Black. Like any Black American, Im sure I have some other heritage outside of African diaspora, but Im not as concerned with it as much as the history behind why there are so many Blacks in Cuba.

Whereas my boyfriend of almost 2 years is American-English. His mother is from England, and it shows!

While I've dated only White and Mulatto-Latinos, I still love Afro-Latino, and Black men. I definitely think I clash more with Black men, I just will never give up hope that I will find the perfect one for me :)

I think Black men are not able to handle the idea that Black women wish to be more than a housewife, so I think this is why Black women are dating out. But I love Black guys just as any race. I'd like to think I love my features enough to be attracted to them in someone else. :)

message 13: by Monica (new)

Monica  (wwwbookdevourblogspotcom) | 90 comments my hubby is white and my family accepted him as his family accepted me. He's from a small town, so we get stared at a lot. His friends are cool, we hang out go on vacation etc. I know I'm blessed, so I treat them with lots of love and affection.

my mother loves hubby, she always on his side:(

message 14: by [deleted user] (new)

I'm afrolatina and very much black lol. my boyfriend is mixed race, haitian and colombian but he's light skinned people never know he's mixed they just assume he has two latin parents. most of my boyfriends have been latino, ya know what all of mine have been latino,lol. I dont think its my preference because i love everything but interracial couples do make me smile :)

i think i dont we get any looks from black men or anything. and especially not white people. I think because we're both minorities people just dont care about us lol.

message 15: by Momreadstoomuch (new)

Momreadstoomuch I grew up in a military town and I remember my family having friends over and playing "Play that funky music white boy" when one of my sister's friends would bring her boyfriend over to a party. Some of my best friends were white. I'm not pro or con interracial couples. I am pro finding the person that makes you happy and being with the one you love. I think it is insane to go out thinking I am going to meet a white guy, just like I think it is insane to go out thinking I am going to meet a black guy. When I made my list of attributes I wanted my husband to have race wasn't on it. I've dated across the rainbow. I also think it shows how racist our country is since we are still having this discussion.
I only stare at obviously unhappy couples.

message 16: by Monique (last edited Oct 25, 2015 02:15PM) (new)

Monique (mfh2161) | 53 comments To the above poster, Monalisa: That's nice and all, but this is not a dating site.

To answer the questions: Yes and yes.
We got crap very little; I think that because I live in the SF Bay Area, it's pretty much anything goes (I'm light-skinned. My ex is half Irish and half Mexican, but most people thought that he was all white and/or Italian...also being sort of a metal-head and knowing less Spanish than me, didn't help define what he was to anyone outside of our circle - lol)
My family/relatives are an African-American hodge-podge to begin with. Throw in Latino, Asian, and distant white cousins - and some west Africans...there you have it!)

I have a preference, which I won't go into, but I will say this: The older I get, the less important it is. I've learned that I could miss out on the greatest guy for me, due to him not fitting my 'physical ideal'.

message 17: by lexicondst (new)

lexicondst | 5 comments also hailing from NorCal, I noticed it's more of a thing for BW to date "outside" than others, but not *so much* of a thing. I'll date a good person who I have chemistry with. Having moved down South, recently, though, it seems very frowned upon here, outside of one "artsy/urban" neighborhood.

message 18: by Monique (new)

Monique (mfh2161) | 53 comments Hi brownstocking! It's funny that I see the women date 'outside' less than others, even though it is slowly changing now.
I have to agree with you regarding artsy/urban areas of the South (Austin, Texas comes to mind).

message 19: by R.A. (new)

R.A. White (rawhite) | 70 comments Here in Dover, DE, I see a lot more BWWM than WWBM together, but where I grew up in PA it was the opposite. But my sister, who is half white half black, is married to a white Latino man. She lives in western PA. If love and patience is there, any relationship can be awesome.

message 20: by [deleted user] (new)

Ildbw7 wrote: "Deva wrote: "Just thought I would ask ... Who here is in an interracial relationship, prefers interracial relationships or wants to try interracial dating?

Just curious ... *raises hand as IR dati..."

Wanted to weigh in. It's common that we get an actual person that's the topic of a discussion, actually come through.

I'm assuming you're not American? Because as a Black-Latino, culturally, we're encouraged to date white. But because I've never lived anywhere but the States, there's just a loyalty complex that Black women(of all cultures) are raised with, to stick by Black men no matter what.

I can't say I agree or disagree. No one can ever really know who's right for them. but Black women in the US are also raised and taught, even if indirectly, that men of different races don't want us.

This is not every Black women, but my experiences with White men required me to do the wooing. White men just don't come up to Black women where I live. And some of us are still old fashioned.

And we're also scared White men only want us sexually, because that's what White guys are taught about Black women, that our appetites for sex is insatiable, whether it's indirectly or not.

I'm actually a little surprised you date mainly African women, because they're extremely loyal to their culture, or at least women I've met. It really depends where you're from, where you currently live, and where you're seeking women.

Probably everyone in this group dates outside their race. Women are there! But it depends on your approach...

Paganalexandria  | 18 comments Guinevere wrote: "Ildbw7 wrote: "...I can't say I agree or disagree. No one can ever really know who's right for them. but Black women in the US are also raised and taught, even if indirectly, that men of different races don't want us..."

Guinevere, to keep it all the way real, unless "you're light, bright, and damn near white", American black women are being taught that even the men of our own race are just settling with us, until they can get on, and marry the "exotical" girl of their dreams.

As far as dating goes, I've sampled all the flavors, kissed a lot of frogs, maybe a few almost princes. In the end, men turn out to be men, no matter their packaging. Each one having something I could admire, and do without.

message 22: by G.L. (new)

G.L. Tomas (gl_tomas) | 1 comments Paganalexandria **wicked juices bubbling over** wrote: "Guinevere wrote: "Ildbw7 wrote: "...I can't say I agree or disagree. No one can ever really know who's right for them. but Black women in the US are also raised and taught, even if indirectly, that..."

I think Black women of all cultures face this. Im a Black American, but happen to be Afro-Cuban. There is a saying in Latin America/Caribbean. White women for marriage, mulatta women for sex(I hate the word mulatta, knowing it's history, but it describes any woman who's not fully Black) and Black women for work.

And this is supposedly in countries that claim their superior to US' race issue. I cant speak for other cultures, but if you live in Cuba, if you're a Black woman, you can count on the fact you'll be a maid, poorly paid, and no man will want you.

I'm definitely not light, bright or damn white XD So I'm often no one's preference, especially because when people think Cuban, they think "mixed", "White" or "tan".

I can't say I have a preference, because I've dated some pretty bummy white guys, so not every single white guy is a prince. Im ashamed to admit I haven't given many Black men chances, but Im sure some may not blink an eye in the same position.

Im still young, and dont really know what Im looking for, so I havent dated more than white and non-white/non-black latinos, but our history is just so damn disgusting with how we as Black women have been treated.

Back to Ildbw7, so sorry your experience hasn't been good. I really dont have good advice XD I think some Black women want to know you're not in it for just sex, because Black women just have a painful history when it comes to how we're treated. You might get more out of friendship established relationships first, so someone might know you're serious =)

message 23: by Paganalexandria (last edited Oct 22, 2015 11:27AM) (new)

Paganalexandria  | 18 comments Ildbw7 wrote: "Paganalexandria **wicked juices bubbling over** wrote: "Guinevere wrote: "Ildbw7 wrote: "...I can't say I agree or disagree. No one can ever really know who's right for them. but Black women in the..."

Ildbw7, you missed the main part of my message. That was state of black on black sexual politics, not directed at you. I was answering a specific thing in Guinevere's post:
"I can't say I agree or disagree. No one can ever really know who's right for them. but Black women in the US are also raised and taught, even if indirectly, that men of different races don't want us."

I wasn't replying to your message actually, so cool your jets. I didn't accusing you of anything.

message 24: by Paganalexandria (last edited Oct 22, 2015 11:37AM) (new)

Paganalexandria  | 18 comments Ildbw7 wrote: "...When I dated African- American women they were dating me only to hold out for a black man. How do you think that makes me feel? I am being used till they find a suitable black man. This doesn't help race relations or heal the divide in our society between black and white, it just creates greater division..."

Also wanted to comment on this. You come in making this big deal about why African women are easier to date than American Black women, and I let it stand. It was your experience, so who am I to tell you different? That whole thing could be seen as offensive and incendiary but I let it go. But you jump in a conversation, I'm having with someone who actually is one of my book buddies, by the way? Dude...

Paganalexandria  | 18 comments Dude do you...ignored...

Paganalexandria  | 18 comments G.L. wrote: "I think Black women of all cultures face this. Im a Black American, but happen to be Afro-Cuban. There is a saying in Latin America/Caribbean. White women for marriage, mulatta women for sex(I hate the word mulatta, knowing it's history, but it describes any woman who's not fully Black) and Black women for work."

G.L. thanks for sharing the effects colorism plays in other parts of the world too. I could see how not meeting expectations of what Cuban, or Latina is supposed to look like could be an issue too.

message 27: by Monique (last edited Oct 22, 2015 09:17PM) (new)

Monique (mfh2161) | 53 comments Oh man - I recall that old Latin American saying about what women are good for, according to their skin color...disgusting, isn't it?

Anyway for Ildbw7 - I think that regardless of their color, you seemed to have chosen women who basically were ill-matched. You keep repeating the process of picking the wrong ones over and over again. There are good African American women out there. You just need to take more time and be more discerning in who you have relationships with, dude. Good luck!

message 28: by [deleted user] (new)

Yikes! Lol. Colorism affects me a little differently, since I'm dark skinned, so I'm kinda with pagan on this.

I have a few spats with friends who are fair, claiming white people see Black women the same, not as light or dark, but I cant help but disagree, but my experience is different ;) I wouldnt expect them to see it the same way I do...

message 29: by Andrea (new)

Andrea Jackson (paperbackdiva) | 94 comments This topic caught my eye! On another group, we started a thread to find movies with IR couples in significant roles. But it seems difficult to find them which seems weird. I was just thinking the movie industry may be missing a big market. I live in SE Virginia and it's not uncommon around here. Of course, we have several military bases. Maybe that makes a difference? Do other parts of the country not see so much IR relationships.

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