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message 1: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) Prologue

Oh, oh, oh, oh my! This is so good. I'm totally into it. Wonderfully written, captures the readers attention the minute you start reading. I'm totally intrigued! Here are a few tiny mistakes I found:

Ill start by explaining the geographical part of it.
-Punctuation: Ill should have an apostrophe.

in this world, I am a slave in a desert tribe.
-Capital letter needs fixing.

message 2: by Amina (last edited Jan 25, 2011 03:33AM) (new)

Amina  (journalistam) Chapter One

My eyes shot to hers
-There needs to be a full stop after this sentence.

“Its not form a lack of trying” I muttered.
-I don't quite get this sentence. Firstly, the Its should have an apostrophe. Also, do you mean 'from' instead of 'form'?

A word of advice: paragraphing this story will greatly help your readers.

Man, this is awesome. Brook makes me shiver; poor Aqua, I love her for rebelling. You know, I've written a similar story. Read it if you have time. It's called the Rebel. But anyway, I'm really liking this. And I'll keep reading and throwing feedback. Tell me if yyou don't want this kind of feedback ^ and I'll stop. Hope I'm of help :D

message 3: by Amina (last edited Jan 25, 2011 04:43AM) (new)

Amina  (journalistam) Chapter Two

I was woken this morning by my tutor,and half brother Ret.
- space after the comma.

“get washed and be at breakfast in fifteen minutes,”
-capital letter.

a dress the hung loosely on my thin frame.
-that hung loosely...

Wayne and i weren't twin boys
-'I' should be capital.

I always wondered why my curls could lay flatter like Starr’s
-Do you mean 'couldn't' or am I getting it wrong?

the sun was to high in the air.
-capital letter

Then I ran back in and grabbed and grabbed a quill and stack
-delete the repeated words.

Hmm, Wayne sounds like an interesting character. The way she said 'when their not using their poers for water, there throwing poor, innocent girls out of bed...' that was fuunny! =) an't wait to read on..

Chapter Three

“I believe you have work to do” he said after a moment
My eyes shot to his in outrage

-Full stops.

I am the master here. And if I tell you to do something, you do it. understood?”
-Understood should have a capital.

instead of trying not to do what aren’t supposed to
-not to do what you aren't...

You have ten minuets. Hurry up”
-'minutes' spelt wrong.

Lol, I love her sarcasm. Aqua's my fave character yet, and I'm betting she'll stay my fave carater through the story.

message 4: by Siareen, Moderator (last edited Jan 25, 2011 06:04AM) (new)

Siareen | 533 comments Mod
thanks so much for reading and commenting and liking it!!!!!!
i have no problem with the comments. they're perfect. ill change the stuff when i have time...

but i cant take credit for everything.
as i said before, Zoe also wrote this. i did all the Aqua chapters and she did all the Wynter ones. also, she basically came up with Brooks character.

ill try read your story when i have the chance. it sounds interesting...

message 5: by Naomi (new)

Naomi  (purplebookdragon) | 202 comments thanks so much for the comments and pointing out some mistakes. is a link posted to your story? i wanna read it. thanks again!!!!

message 6: by Naomi (new)

Naomi  (purplebookdragon) | 202 comments siareen, where is the link to the story? just a question...

message 7: by Siareen, Moderator (new)

Siareen | 533 comments Mod
ill give it to you. you should read it. the first few chapters are amazing.

message 8: by Naomi (new)

Naomi  (purplebookdragon) | 202 comments what, and the not first few ones arent amazing?

message 9: by Siareen, Moderator (new)

Siareen | 533 comments Mod
no, i just havent read them yet...

message 10: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) Yep, Zoe. The link is in my folder in this group :D

And no problems, guys. I'll be reading more soon

message 11: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) Chaper Four

“he wont find me. he never comes in here, he’s too lazy. If anyone finds me it’ll be Stanin.”
-capital letters.

“besides, I thought you like seeing me.”
-again, capital letter.

There's a lot of sentences that need the capitalword-correcting. Check it out...

I’m always curios about what he’s learning.
-curious spelt wrong.

“its from the library. Its about the tribes in the mountains. Its so different!|
-Capital letter. its needs an apostrophe. Also, you need the speech marks in the end.

as different from the other tribes.’”I looked back at Wayne. “you find this interesting?”
-extra speech marks have been added.

Ret was laying on his bed, seemingly sleeping.
-lying not laying.

You need to correct a lot of punctuation and capital letters. But it's okay, it happens with all of us. I really hate all of those idiots who are torturing and hurting the two main chacracters; you guys have done a great job here. I can see it right in front of me like a movie. Great job!

message 12: by Naomi (new)

Naomi  (purplebookdragon) | 202 comments thanks!!! yeah, i know our punctuation and stuff sucks. im really bad at going back and fixing stuff. im too lazy. thats what siareens here for. blame her. lol. jk siareen. if it wasn't for you there would be so many more mistakes.

message 13: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) Chapter Five

The beatings I had gotten afterwards where some of the worst I had ever received
-were not where

Brook was most defiantly NOT lenient.
-definatly spelt wrong. you wrote 'defiantly' lol.

be my owner for a long long time.
-long (comma) long time.

The first sign that I my instincts hadn’t [or had] disappointed
-Read this; it doesn't wuite make sense.

*whimpers* I hate this new owner. He's sooo mean :'(

The feeling of dread growing larger by the minuet,
-minute spelt wrong.

pushed be hard enough to send me sprawling into the room
-me, not be

forcing my to look into the cold black eyes.
-forcing me


I almost drowned in disappear
-dissapear? do you mean 'despair'?

[yes, I do that every once I a while if I really can't stand my master]
-once in a while.

oh man, I'm so scared. She's sent back; I'm glad. But I dread to think about what'll happen to poor Aqua at the shaman's house. Honeslt, Mared was a fuck--- ... sorry. He's such a loser man. I hate him!

message 14: by Siareen, Moderator (last edited Jan 25, 2011 09:13AM) (new)

Siareen | 533 comments Mod
Zoe wrote: "thanks!!! yeah, i know our punctuation and stuff sucks. im really bad at going back and fixing stuff. im too lazy. thats what siareens here for. blame her. lol. jk siareen. if it wasn't for you the..."

Zoe!!!! hey! i try!!!! just sometimes i cant be bothered. capitalization bugs me. ill try fix it when i have the time.

once again, thank you so much for these comments Amina. they mean a lot.

message 15: by Naomi (new)

Naomi  (purplebookdragon) | 202 comments hehe. siareen, i just wrote a page of wynter. im sending it to you. i need to write more before you post it though. go check your email.

message 16: by Naomi (new)

Naomi  (purplebookdragon) | 202 comments and yeah, amina, thanks again. thanks a ton!!!!!!!

message 17: by Siareen, Moderator (new)

Siareen | 533 comments Mod
kk. will do...

message 18: by Naomi (last edited Jan 25, 2011 09:31AM) (new)

Naomi  (purplebookdragon) | 202 comments oh, and siareen, wanna change the title of this folder siareen and zoe's writing? unless your gonna post other stuff here, then forget it

message 19: by Siareen, Moderator (new)

Siareen | 533 comments Mod
i was just thinking that. Amina needs to change it though. Amina, can you change it please?

message 20: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) Of course... I'll do it right away. *runs off to change the name*

message 21: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) Chapter Six

Stanin rolled his eyes and pushed me forwards.
-forward not forwards

She bowed her head a left.
-AND left..

Wow, slaves have slaves... I like that. At least she has some dignity, poor Wynter.
Great chap, again, you need to check your capital letters :D

Chpater Seven

brook said emotionlessly.
-Names need capital letters.

"aqua, stop it.”
-Capital letter for name again.

"the question is, will I be able to behave”
-question mark at the end.

wow, you're scaring me now. What is going to happen to her at the shaman's house? *whimpers* Great doing, love the chap. mwah ;)

message 22: by Amina (last edited Jan 26, 2011 09:03AM) (new)

Amina  (journalistam) Chapter Eight

Hemi being the oldest, nearly eighteen and already betrothed to marry, and Mai being the youngest, barley thirteen.
-I think you should have 'eldest' instead of 'oldest'. Also, barely not barley

Starr has come in the story before right? Remind me when, becaause I just can't remember!

the whispered some more, sharing their secret with Mayim as well.
-They whispered..

she want to chose who to marry.”
-She wants to choose who she marries.

“there is nothingwrong with wanting to chose my husband. And there is noting wrong with being bold, either. Maybe you’re just jealous.”
-nothingwrong hasn't been seperated. and 'chose' should be choose.

not waiting for Ret to come dump me out of bed as I normally did.
-as he normally did?

I took it for her gladly.
-from her

If she did her hair on her own then she ad talent.
-typo :D 'had' you mean instead of 'ad'.

whoa, ho ho. Love this chapter! I love the way you bring in new characters and make this all so real. To the next chapter! I'm hungry for more =D

message 23: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) Chapter Nine

The first para of this chapter is the same as the last chapter of the lasy 'Aqua' chapter...

The woman nodded, and gestured us inside before running of to find her master. Minuets later, a man entered the small room. Short and stocky was his build,
-running off. Minutes later. was his built

been anything from five minuets to two hours.

"its my things” I said
its needs an apostrophe.

Silently I sent a pray to the
-prayer, not pray.

"I slave does not have 'things'
-A slave.

He grunted a yanked at the rope to get me going again.
-AND yanked...

hey, has Andrea helped in this story too?

Another good chapter. I hate the way they tie their hands up... it's just so humiliating. And he bloody took her thuings! So mean! guh. Need to read more..

message 24: by Naomi (last edited Jan 26, 2011 09:15AM) (new)

Naomi  (purplebookdragon) | 202 comments i think i had wynter think about how starr teases her once. i dont remember where, sorry. thanks for all the help!!!! and thanks a ton for actually taking the time to read it through thoroughly!

message 25: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) Chapter Nine

“yes, very. Who is you master? I would like you to do my hair as such every morning.
-who is your master.

I’ll be lucky if I ever get farther then a mile away from this stupid place.”
-than, not 'then'.

aww, he's going away! :'(

no matter who many times you are told, and punished, you continue to see each other.”
-HOW many times, lol, not 'who' many times.

CAUGHT AGAIN! jheez, I HATE stanin.

I put a long robe over my nearly see though short nightdress to be decent.

even desserts gave the heat a break at night.
-you have the wrong' desert'.

those that were up barley gave us a second glance,
-barely spelt wrong.

Wayne sat up in bed in shock at out arrival
at our

I fell hard, scraping my hands, and my knees, under my thing night things.
-the end of this sentence doesn't quite make sense.

Wayne stifle a gasp.

Wayne yelled again, more franticly
-'franticaly' spelt wrong.

he roughly turned me to face him, the back handed me across my face.
-back handed? sounds wrong..

Stanin growled, giving e a little shake. I nearly fell. Stanin caught me roughly. Wayne sat on shock on his bed.
-me. Wayne sat in.

oh wow, he is such a bully! Stupid stanin.

Then multiply it my four.”
-multiply it by four.

Your forget your place, Wynter.” I stared at my feet.
-You, not 'your'

oh wow, this is getting better and better! Just one chapter left and I'll be left to wander what happens next! so not fair. You guys better have some more up your sleeve.

message 26: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) Chapter Nine

I hefted the beam the connected the buckets together over my shoulders,
-the beam that connected...

I could here the other slaves laughing at me when I tried.
-wrong 'hear'.

On one had, I was out of the baking sun

I was ignore by all of them most the time.

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