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Reading Nook > Opening for a Novel

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message 1: by Brenda (new)

Brenda Youngerman (byoungerman) | 13 comments Hi,
I am Brenda Youngerman, an author of 6 published novels to date and I am trying something new. I would really like some feedback on this section to see if it would appeal to you as a reader (or writer) or if it is flat.
All opinions are greatly appreciated.

Hot water pummeled out of the showerhead onto her tightly stressed shoulders. She adjusted the knob to the hottest it would go and allowed the heat to penetrate. Slowly adjusting her head to allow the warmth to work its way into the taut muscles of her neck she began to relax. As the tension gently dissipated tears began a free falling cascade down her cheeks.
“Damn it!” She said out loud although she knew she was alone in the house. “Why the hell am I crying? I should be happy, right? Damn right I should. I hate this house and have for a long time.” She started to laugh. “Okay Diane you’ve really gone off the deep end this time. You’re actually having a conversation with yourself, out loud, while you’re taking a shower. I’m pretty sure this is something Gary would have called ‘projecting your feelings onto someone else and not dealing with the real issue.’ Well screw Gary and all his psycho mumbo jumbo. He’s not here and I am so I can do all the talking to myself I want.”
She looked around the shower and noticed the mold growing up at the ceiling line and the cracked tiles along the walls. Then she looked down at her feet and noticed the tiny mounds of cement that had been there since they had moved in fifteen years earlier. They’d often times spoken of redoing the master bath, but that, like other subjects, never came to fruition. So the master bath was still rigged up for a handicapped person. Suddenly she found the entire situation hysterical and began to laugh out loud.
“I swear Diane Newsome Montrose you need to be committed. You are loony at best.” She turned off the water and grabbed a towel to wrap herself up in. Then she grabbed another one to wrap her hair in. Stepping out of the shower she instantly felt woozy. Perhaps it was the change in temperature, perhaps it was that she hadn’t eaten all day or perhaps it was . . .hell it could have been anything! She put the toilet seat cover down and sat atop it, regaining her bearings.
Not for the first time, and certainly not for the last, she said, “Damn you Gary Montrose! I hope you’re rotting in hell!”


message 2: by A.F. (new)

A.F. (scribe77) | 1779 comments Mod
I liked this opening. It's quite intriguing. The character's personality is very vibrant.

I did find this sentence a bit awkward: "She adjusted the knob to the hottest it would go and allowed the heat to penetrate." To me, "the hottest it would go" seems clunky; maybe something like "the hottest setting" would be better.


message 3: by Roger (new)

Roger Lawrence | 4 comments Looking good so far, but I'm not sure about "tightly stressed shoulders." We only have your word for that. Perhaps you could show us how her shoulders are stressed.


message 4: by Mhairi (new)

Mhairi Simpson (mhairisimpson) | 142 comments I definitely want to know more about the story. It jarred that she refers to herself twice by name a couple of times. And you could probably trim down the opening paragraph, as A.F. and Roger have suggested.

But I would definitely read on :)


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