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Writing > Brittins Writing *Criticism Appreciated* ^-~

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Spazzy Maz Brit [the insane one] (cally215) The world ended in a bombard of nuclear, but scientists took the remaining humans to an underground city, along with two of every animal left. They injected the people with the animals DNA, resulting in powers unbelievable to man.

Two hundred* years later, they emerged back on to earth, now known as Lorzzete, and became dominate once again.
A new monarch takes control, a cruel tyrant, and enslaves his people. Basically, WWIII brakes out again.

Luxa de Avia and Calemvyr Dre' Veis are two 16 year olds with extraordinary powers and egos to match. When they're kidnapped by familiar faces during the annual Viscarria Festivale, their worlds come crashing down on their shoulders. They are forced into a world where deceit is a mindset, and death might be the only escape.


message 2: by Carina (new)

Carina Wow that's an awesome description!!! Please post a link :D


Spazzy Maz Brit [the insane one] (cally215) Okay--here we are :)

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...

Criticism here on here preferred :)


message 4: by Carina (new)

Carina Here are my comments on Chapter 1 of "Seclusive Infamy"...

"My dark hair was separated into two neat pigtails that hung to the small of her back."- Is 'her back' supposed to be 'my back?

I like the description of the narrator because it's so vivid, however it's a bit choppy. Instead of describing each aspect of her appearance each in their own sentences, maybe combine some sentences. For example: Instead of having three sentences describing her makeup, try to make it into one whole sentence. However you do it is up to you. It's just a suggestion but I think that those few paragraphs might flow better that way.

"One figure stumbled too close. With a malicious grin, I flicked my wrist and sent the whip in the boys’ direction."- How does the narrator know that the figure is a boy?

"“Shut up, Dresdin. Nobody cares,”"- Dresdin is such a cool name! Also I love Cal's attitude :D

I really liked reading this :D Cal's attitude throughout the chapter was great. I love how tough she is but also how you showed a confused and hurt side of her as well in her encounter with Zar.

Also what is the poem (i'm guessing that's what it is) at the beginning of the chapter? I just thought it was neat that you added that there

And is there a reason that the entire chapter is in italics? Is this a flashback perhaps?

I'll definitely continue to read this story!! Great work :D


Spazzy Maz Brit [the insane one] (cally215) First of all--thanks :) there is 2 more, but the third is still in the process :)

Second--the 'poem' is actually part of a song haha by Diana vickers called 'The Boy Who Murdered Love' haha ;)

Third--yes, it is a flashback, and I'm working on making it clearer :)

Fourth--she and zar have a complicated history..kiersten and I have it all detailed and I think eventually I'll put something up on my page to help you all understand :) kind of like their past or something ;)


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