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Writing > Geeni's writing (critiques needed)

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message 1: by DragonDreamer (new)

DragonDreamer Technically I was only supposed to have waited from five to ten minutes, but fifteen have already passed. What am I supposed to do? Wait a little longer and pray to the Lord almighty that he delayed the bomb from exploding so Leon has a little more time to do what ever the heck he thinks is more important than getting me out of the soon-to-be exploded building? Somehow, I didn’t like those odds and I was getting out of here one way or another. And so, I’ll have to settle for some makeshift repelling with a rope that isn’t very long to begin with. Wonderful. That is is why i am now dangling from a twenty-something-story-high building (which is going to blow up soon, in case you missed that), in a dress nonetheless, because some idiot guy had something better to do than come get me before the building explodes. And for the cherry on top, I dropped my contacts. Just. Great.

~One Week Earlier~
“Cassie, would you like to explain to the class how to correctly calculate the equation?” Mrs. Murphy called on me. I suppose it was supposed to throw me off guard considering I had been snoozing through half of her lecture, but I always like to keep things interesting. I looked up at her with my golden brown eyes and answered her, “First, you use the quadratic formula to find the radius of the circle( we can do this because the question already gives us the necessary points on the graph. Next, use the radius in the equation pi times r squared to find the area. Then, use that area.....” I continued with my long explanation until I could see Mrs. Murphy developing an irritated smirk across her face, then i wrapped it up quickly. She gave a quick grumble of “you’re correct” and started lecturing on the importance of paying attention and studying. There wasn’t a single person in that class that was disappointed at the ringing of the bell. Students streamed out the classroom doors forming their own flow of traffic. I was just about to leave when Mrs. Murphy spoke, “Cassie, I need to speak with you for a minute.” I sighed. This was my last class for today and I needed to be on my way.
“Yes, Mrs. Murphy?” I answered as best I could, not trying to sound too annoyed.
“Ms. Pierce, I know my class is not very exciting, but I would really appreciate if you would pay attention and try to not nod off during my lecture.”
“I’m sorry Mrs. Murphy, I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.”
“You should learn how to manage your time better, Ms. Pierce. That’s all I have to say.”
“Yes, Mrs. Murphy. I’ll try.” I said sweetly and left. I ran to my car. I was going to be late if I didn’t hurry and it was not a good day to make the boss angry. Then again, it was never a good day to make her angry.
I pulled up to a little café called The Little Bean, but us employees just called it LB for short. It’s a quaint little place with only four small tables. The walls were a nice soft yellow with a coffee brown swirled design all around. The far back of the store had one small counter with many displays for the freshly baked pastries next to a cash register. To the right of the counter was a door for into the kitchen and to the left was the “employees only” door. It was a small and simple shop. At least it seemed that way.
I walked in and inhaled the intoxicating smell of coffee and fresh sweets. A tall boy with shaggy, mud-brown hair and black-rimmed glasses threw me an apron.
“I told Sal you were out getting more chocolate.” He said as he held up to me a bag of the dark, sweet chunks.
“Thanks Joey.” I smiled as i rapidly tied the strings behind my back and took it. I tied my chestnut hair up in a pony tail. Joey was my best friend and a genius. No really; he is the same age as me, seventeen, and he’s already graduated college. Although, he acts so normal sometimes I almost forget that fact.
“What’s the reason today?” He asked.
“Mrs. Murphy caught me sleeping in class and had me stay after for a little bit.” I made an overly dramatic “I can’t believe she would do that to me” face.
“Aw, Cassie. Why the face?” A girl’s petite voice came from behind me. I turned around and saw Zoey (I call her Zo) another good friend of mine and, to be honest, Joey’s major crush. He would never admit it, even to me, but anyone who could see him when she is around would be able to realize this. That is, everyone but Zo of course. Despite her major brains, Zo is oblivious when it comes to reading people. She gives a very innocent impression with her very light brown hair, bright emerald eyes, and her freckles. However, she was much more adventurous than she let on.
“I was just telling Joey that my math teacher kept me after class for a little bit to let me know she was peeved I was dozing off during her lecture.” I explained.
“Hey, Zoey.” Joey spoke slightly above a whisper. Zoey looked over at him and smiled.
“Hi Joey, how are you today?” She greeted him. I had to try hard not to laugh when Joey started blushing.
“Um, good. Uh, I have to go serve those customers over there. Bye.” And then he left. I turned my attention to Zo, who was occupied with making muffins. I silently smiled at her ignorance. Suddenly, I felt a fierce vibration coming from my pocket. Sal wanted me in her office. I looked over at Joey. I could tell by his body language that he was called upon as well. We went to the back of the café, through the “employees only” door. We entered a room full of boxes and supplies and went even farther back towards a small concealed rug. I lifted it up to reveal a locked metal door. I inserted a plastic key, which I kept in my back pocket, into a small slot in the door and it unlocked immediately. The door flew open. There were stairs leading downwards from there that came to an elevator. Inside the machinery, our hands were scanned and the elevator went down a long ways. The doors opened to display hundreds of people in black suits bustling around. Me and Joey made a right passing many people sitting at desks on computers, talking various languages on their phones. As we continued we also went past a group of, what we call, techies who were testing their latest inventions and another group of people virtually dodging and shooting at each other. Finally we came upon a large black door with silver handles, though the door opened by itself anyways. I saw a woman in a business suit. She had burgundy hair and sharp blue eyes that could cut like knives. She had a rough look about her. She sat in a large black desk with state of the art virtual touch technology. Her puny assistant, who looked even more puny standing next to the woman and had short black hair and wore smart black glasses, held a clipboard full of papers.
“You buzzed, Sal?” I asked. The burgundy haired woman stood and walked over to me and Joey. Her assistant left her side and went out the door.
“Yes. You have another assignment, that should be taken care of in no less than ten days. Also, we have recruited a new member that will be accompanying both of you. We are fortunate for his high status. His connections will be able to unlock many different sources of information. Cassandra, Joey, this is Leon.” Sal motioned towards the door behind us. We saw the assistant come in with a boy. You could tell by the make of his clothes that he had money, but he looked young enough, so that wealth was unlikely his own. His hair was a sandy blonde and he had dark green eyes. He had average sized muscles. Nothing impressive, at least not here. I will admit I thought he was rather attractive, until he spoke.
“So these are my sidekicks for the mission? They sure don’t look like they know what they’re doing.” He smirked. I realized we were still in our LB aprons. I was slightly embarrassed, but enraged at this rookie. Just who does this guy think he is? I am one experienced spy( oh yeah, if you couldn’t tell, I’m a secret agent, or what most people call spies). I’ve been in this business since I was thirteen. Joey had been here since he was ten. And this new kid, this Leon guy, thinks he can come here and run things?
“Hi, nice to meet you.” I smiled and started to extend my hand when Joey caught it, he nodded towards Sal. He read my mind. This kids butt would have to be kicked some other time. How fortunate for him.
“Nice to meet you, Cass.” He smiled back. “Can I get a decaf?” He started laughing to himself.
I know Sal’s here, but I’m not going to let this kid talk like that to me.
Grabbing my arm back from Joey, I grabbed Leon by the wrist and twisted, then swung it enough to flip him on his back. I smiled sweetly and replied him, “Sorry, I’m on my break.” I felt satisfied by his uncomfortable and shocked expression. Unfortunately, the irritated cough reminded me Sal wasn’t a big fan of using our skills against comrades when we weren’t sparring.
“Sorry Sal. It won’t happen again.” I sighed. Looking down at Leon, I rolled my eyes and held out my hand. He scoffed and stood up, refusing to take my gesture, and walked to the other side of Joey. Sal grumbled something about stupid teenagers and continued to tell us about our assignment.
“Now if you don’t mind refraining from such insolent behavior, I would like to begin the mission debriefing.” She took our silence as an agreement to be more mature.
“This is Roger M. Phillips. He is our client on this particular assignment so be on your best behavior.” Sal finished and a large screen came down from the ceiling and a bald man with the darkest eyes I had ever seen appeared to be sitting in an office overlooking snow-capped mountains.
“Hello, Sal.”
“Mr. Phillips, this is Cassie, Leon, and Joey. They will be your team on this assignment and will do their best to help with whatever you need them to.”
“Yes, thank you all so much for your efforts and help. As you may know, I own one of the largest organizations in the jewelry industry, in cutting and working with diamonds, Phillips’ Diamonds. Our products are bought worldwide. We rank number two for most popular diamond company to buy from. Lately, however, I am starting to become suspicious about being undermined by my business associate, Mr. Edmund Rycroft. He has been pushing ideas to put us over-the-top of our rivals, who are the number one most popular company, U.S Diamond Co. Normally, this isn’t a problem, but lately his ideas have become more viperous and detailed and not in a sportsman-like fashion, if you know what I mean. I want you to follow him and try to figure out what his plans are before he puts them in action. I faxed a list of such ideas he has discussed with me to Sal’s assistant.”
“Thank you, Mr. Phillips, we’ll do our best.” I guaranteed. He nodded and the screen went blank and retrogressed back into the ceiling. Sal’s assistant handed me the list. Sal dismissed us to discuss our plan of action and noted that the techies will be ready to prep us with gadgets.

message 2: by DragonDreamer (new)

DragonDreamer As we exited the room, Joey and I lead Leon to the planning and deviation quarters, or what we call PAD. The doors slid open to reveal a round and sleek black table in the center of the room with three chairs already awaiting us. As we sat down, the table lit up to unveil a screen. I pressed a button that was hidden on the underside of the surface to open the top of the table to release a keyboard. I swiftly typed in the name of Mr. Phillip’s company. The links that appeared contained a few news articles, the company’s personal website, and various unimportant sites that were irrelevant as far as we knew. Joey started hacking into the company’s website while i started on the articles. I told Leon to look at two other articles, but also gave him a few of the irrelevant sites. What can I say? I didn’t like the guy. Besides, the look of irritation on his face just made my day that much sweeter.
I started researching an article about Mr. Phillip’s rivalry with U.S. Diamond Co. when the door opened to reveal a tall boy with jet black hair that spiked out in different directions in a messy-but-not-unkempt sort of way, but it was long enough that it was almost a bold statement of a hair style. And he had ice blue eyes that almost looked like the lightest of grays. His pale skin made me think he was one of those vampires that millions of teenagers are reading about nowadays. This was Zachary, but he let me call him Zach. He just joined our organization about a month ago.
“Hey, Cass.” He said with a pristine smile. I grinned back, swiveling my chair so I could face him.
“Hey Zach, what brings you here?” I questioned leisurely, forcing the blush threatening to swarm my cheeks to subside.
“Mr. Phillips forgot to mention some information earlier. He faxed Sal to give this to you guys, but she had to tend to other matters. I was nearby at the time so...” He handed my a manila folder.
I smiled and thanked him, taking the package from his hands. He let us get back to our work and left, though I wish he had stayed.
I returned to my work again, but I felt the uncomfortable uneasiness of being watched. I looked up to see Leon smirking at me. I narrowed my eyes at him.
“What’s that look for?” I questioned indignantly. His stupid smirk grew. I ignored him with a huff and continued working.
After reading the articles and Joey had hacked the company’s site, we discussed our plans of action. Joey concluded that the only event going on for the workers was a staff meeting in a couple days to discuss the workplace and equipment. I hadn’t found anything particularly interesting other than a few pictures of Mr. Phillips and Mr. Rycroft together, one of Mr. Phillips and the owner of U.S. Diamond Co., then an interesting piece on a small family feud between the Rycroft family and the owner of that company, whose family name was Walsh. Leon said something about a fashion show featuring jewelry designed by designers that mostly bought from both companies.
“Look, research is great and all, but aren’t we just supposed to follow this Rycroft guy like Mr. Phillips said?” Leon sighed. I groaned in answer to his naivety.
“Well it’s standard procedure to assume everyone involved is a suspect. If Mr. Rycroft really is masterminding a devious undertaking of Mr. Walsh’s company, then we’re going to be sure of his motives and logical steps he will take. But, there’s always a possibility Mr. Phillips could be lying. We have to take it all into account.” I explained. Leon nodded, then turned to Joey.
“So that meeting, maybe we should check it out. It may be a good idea to know a little bit about how the machines work and maybe how we could blend in with the workers. Just In case. We also, might be able to sneak into Rycroft’s office for clues.”
I admit he had a point and I agree it was a good idea. Joey looked my way for reassurance.
“I agree. We might even get to check out Mr. Rycroft, himself, and his files. Joey, you figure out schedules and see who will be running that meeting. Also, get a blueprint of the main factory where Mr. Phillips works and message the techies of the plan. Leon, come with me and we’ll talk with the techies about gadgets. Joey will meet up with us in a couple minutes.” I stated as I rose from my chair.
Joey continued to work at the table’s screen as Leon and I left. As I lead him to the techies’s station, he tried to start a conversation.
“So, how long have you been crushing on vampire boy?”
“I have no idea who or what you’re talking about.” I lied. Was I really that easy to read? I was sure I had stopped myself from blushing earlier.
“I would bet you do. Its almost sad how obvious it is that you like that Zachary guy.” Leon’s smirk reappeared on his face as he looked my way. I am starting to think this whole let’s-push-Cassie’s-buttons-it’ll-be-hilarious deal was going to be a regular thing. I sighed.
“I don’t know what would lead you to assume that. Zachary is a colleague, much like you, unfortunately, are. And even if I did happen to like someone, it a. is not your business and b. is not something I wouldn’t even consider, in the slightest, discussing with you. Do I make myself clear, or would you prefer I flip you on your back again? The combat training room is right down that hallway.” I motioned towards the hallway to our left. Leon rolled his eyes and remained quiet for the rest of our walk to the techies’s room.
Like every entrance, the techies’s room had an eye scanner that granted passage. I took one of my contact lenses out and gazed into the machine as it scanned my eye. The doors slid open and presented the most technologically advanced room in the base. There were robots as tall as elephants, or even some small enough, one might mistake it for a small spider, and some flew above our heads as we walked along. There were thousands of different beeping noises coming from all around and there was the faint smell of oil and of something burning. The techies themselves were bustling about as usual in lab coats. I noticed one whose hair was scorched and dripping wet. He was arguing with another guy who had spiked hair, but part of it was chopped off. It didn’t take much to deduce that the two had most likely had a little quarrel using one of their inventions in progress. I remember when Joey got in a little fight with a techie about the best way to hijack a system. Joey, of course, won the argument, but the techie still held a grudge and had one of the little robots go to Joey’s computer and crashed his system. Joey wanted to get the guy fired, but, alas, there was no proof. Moral of the story? Don’t mess with the techies.
Leon and I headed straight to the back and entered the gadget preparation area(GPA). We were greeted by Zo and a boy who was about a head shorter than me, so about five feet or so. He had black-rimmed reading glasses and short, brown hair. His name is Roger. He is basically the head techie, or at least the one that chooses which gadgets we use and approves the other techies’s inventions for testing and other things like that. Zo wasn’t a techie, but she was the best weapons specialist, in my opinion, of the organization.
“Hello, Cassie. Good to see you again. And this is...?” Roger inquired.
“This is -” I began, but was oh-so-rudely interrupted.
“Nice to meet you, I’m Leon.” Leon held out his hand to Roger, who in turn shook it and gave his half-smile approval.
“Likewise. My name is Roger. And this is our weapons specialist, Zoey.” Zo smiled and gave a small wave.
“Please, call me Zo.” She spoke in her quiet tone. I waited for a rude or inappropriate comment from Leon, perhaps something about how there’s no way such a shy girl could be a weapons specialist or how roger is a well mannered geek, but that response didn’t come. Was he actually being polite? Why couldn’t he have been this way when we had met? If he had, maybe I wouldn’t hate his guts so much.
As I was contemplating this in my mind, Roger walked over to a sleek table much like the one at the PAD. He stroked the top of the table with his fingertips. Suddenly, the center opened into a circular whole and a platform arose with the various gadgets we would be using.
“I would like to get started with-” Roger started to say something, but Zo interrupted him.
“Wait! Joey isn’t here yet. We should wait, so-” Just then Joey came through the sliding doors.
“Ok, we can start now.” Zo chimed. Roger rolled his eyes and picked up a tiny device that was as big as a pebble.
“Of course, you get your standard radio equipment. This is an earpiece so you can radio each other if it is necessary you split up. You can also listen with it into another room. Depending whether you use targeting or not, you can even choose the room that is within the building.”
Next he picked up a pair of emerald earrings.
“For Cassie, of course. The right earring is a camera. The images will be directly transferred to Joey’s computer. Just tug on it once to take a picture, or if you need to take a video, press on the first “gem.” The left earring has a voice recording device and will also act as a tracking device if necessary.”
Now Roger held up a silver and black watch.
“This watch is the other piece of the tracking device. You’ll be able to use this to find wherever Cassie’s earring is. Also, it can be used as a miniature computer that can identify any voice.”
“Now for weapons!” Zo proclaimed excitedly. She typed on the table’s sleek, black surface and the middle platform lowered, but reappeared with new gadgets. Zo picked up a pen, or something that looked like a pen.
“This “pen” is really a laser, of course. It’s a little old as far as our technology goes, but still useful for breaking lock and cutting through other various objects.”
Now she picked up a pack of gum.
“Exploding gum! Really fun to test with, just don’t leave it in your mouth too long.” Zo giggled, “Let’s just say one of our guys had some serious dental damage.”
Last, she picked up an ipod.
“Not for music, sadly.” She pressed the center button and a blade shot out from the top. She clicked the play button and the blade retracted.
“Not to be rude, um, Zo, but aren’t blades a little outdated?” Leon commented.
I frowned at him. ‘Just trust the weapons specialist, stupid!’ I thought to myself. I looked over at Joey, who was also peeved at Leon’s question.
“Well, your plan wasn’t to invade and attack, but to research and scout, so there isn’t really a need for anything too brutal. Now, if you do come up with a plan like that, then I’ll show you guys some of the better stuff we’ve been working on.” Zo smiled. Leon nodded.
The meeting was over so we decided it was time to call it a day.
“Ok, well we’ll meet up at the LB an hour before the factory meeting. See you all then!” I chirped and started towards the exit.

message 3: by DragonDreamer (new)

DragonDreamer someone PLEASE give me feedback!

message 4: by Nicole (new)

Nicole Kathryn I like it!

message 5: by [deleted user] (new)


message 6: by DragonDreamer (new)

DragonDreamer thank you so much!!!XD any critiques?

message 7: by Denisa (new)

Denisa (deelopa) So Sorry but this is hard for me to read >.<
There aren't any spaces between paragraphs and it hurts my already bad eyesight trying to figure out where I am. Please fix it? So I can read it?

message 8: by DragonDreamer (new)

DragonDreamer :( idk how i do that? like break it up more?

message 9: by [deleted user] (new)

In one word: AWESOME.

There are a few gramatical errors and mispellings, but not very many. As for your writing, it's really good XD. My advice is to add more detail--instead of "telling," do more "showing." Instead of saying something like they were walking, say they were trudging, or stalking. Also, smoothen out the transitions a little, though more "showing" would help with that too.

I can't wait to read more, GeENi! It's really good. Have you written anything else?

message 10: by DragonDreamer (new)

DragonDreamer Thanks Ingrid :) And thank you for the critique Dark Angel :D i really needed some

message 11: by [deleted user] (new)

Hope it helped. Have you written any more to this story, or is this it?

message 12: by DragonDreamer (new)

DragonDreamer Well, i'm working on the second chapter right now, but i'll post it when its finished and revised a bit.

message 13: by [deleted user] (new)

XD Sweet!

message 14: by [deleted user] (new)

was badass

message 15: by Haven Angel (new)

Haven Angel i love it when books or shows just pput you the WHAT! WHEn THE HECK DID THIS DEVLEOPMENT HAPPEN! sorta thing and then bring you back awhile before when it all started and bring you back to the OMG part, to answer all of your questians. i havnt found many writer who do that and you did ya!!!!!
it was really good,
Gota love the name leon!
any way your really good, my only questian and critiqe

message 16: by Haven Angel (new)

Haven Angel AMAZING!!
ok so dont laugh or anything but this is what it reminds me of in a mix
chakie chan adventures (the cartoon)
Mew Mew Power (Cartoon)
And a book called The Lab/ Remote Controle by Jake Heath
any way dont laugh!

message 17: by DragonDreamer (new)

DragonDreamer XD haha no way! I loved those shows! well... what I saw of them :P I only saw a couple episodes of jackie chan, but I read the entire mew mew series. Wait... how so? Haven't heard of that last book...

message 18: by Haven Angel (new)

Haven Angel well
Jakie chan: the secrete anjencie
Mew Mew Power: The caffie and secrete work
sal reminded me of eliat and joey reminds me of wessly!!
and from the books the actiona dn plot line youd understand if youve ever read the books

message 19: by DragonDreamer (new)

DragonDreamer 0_0 omg ur right.... wow i never made the connection...

message 20: by Haven Angel (new)

Haven Angel really! i started reading and everythign kept popping in my head as i went along!!

message 21: by DragonDreamer (new)

DragonDreamer well when I post the next chap, let me know if it gets any similar because i now feel terribly unoriginal T.T

message 22: by Haven Angel (new)

Haven Angel your sompletly originale it only reminds me of them dont woryy!!!
THIS STORYY IS AWSOME beside if oyu think about it you didnt relise this till now so you thought of this yourslef!

message 23: by Haven Angel (new)

Haven Angel hey cna you read mine to??

message 24: by DragonDreamer (new)

DragonDreamer read it nd posted a comment :)

message 25: by Haven Angel (new)

Haven Angel but still LOVE THE STORRIE
hey what is it called though?

message 26: by DragonDreamer (new)

DragonDreamer Thank you!
it's not titled yet... I think I'll see where it goes first before i title it...

message 27: by Haven Angel (new)

Haven Angel well know i have the need to come upp with title ideas!!!
you should make a cover for it!
here are some randome ones off the top of my head

The never ending slep
the unopen doors
things not siad
nocking on deaths door

well those are some randome none thought out titles oh well hope you like!

message 28: by DragonDreamer (new)

DragonDreamer XP haha thanks for the ideas
hmm.... whats ur opinion of something like...

Diamonds are not my best friend


Trust is hard to come by

message 29: by Haven Angel (last edited Mar 11, 2011 07:38PM) (new)

Haven Angel i wrote somthing for you and ingrid.
it was spur of te moment but reading your guyses stuff and things made me thing of it!

message 30: by Haven Angel (new)

Haven Angel i like em
but why dimonds?
how about mixing it and haveing something like
complicated trust

message 31: by DragonDreamer (new)

DragonDreamer it will be incorporated later because of the mission :P

or complicated distrust
hm i kind of like that :)

message 32: by Haven Angel (new)

Haven Angel ya i like that one too

i love how this stories the kinda every was normal and the HE showed up!

but an=y way i love the title

complicated distrust!!

message 33: by DragonDreamer (new)

DragonDreamer Haha I'm worried that makes it too predictable... that's why I threw in Zachary. I still have a few other ideas later in the story though. Hmmm.... I started chap 2, I don't really want to upload it until I finished, but at the same time I want feedback...

message 34: by Haven Angel (new)

Haven Angel well then fo and exerpt from the chapter that way we dont know it all but we can sitll giv you feed back

and by prictable to me from experiance im guessing she fallins in love with him!

message 35: by Haven Angel (new)

Haven Angel for somereason the iron qeen just pooped in my head for conectians "its a small world afterall. its a small world afterall"!! sorry

message 36: by DragonDreamer (new)

DragonDreamer ???o.o so confused...

message 37: by DragonDreamer (new)

DragonDreamer I took a detour to the park, which was a couple blocks away from LB. I sat at a wooden bench overlooking the swing set and slides. The shade of the tall trees protected me from the overbearing heat the sun put upon this day. I inhaled the scent of grass and fresh air and listened to the children laughing and the leaves rustling. Feeling content and at peace,I cleared my mind about everything else. I felt at home.
As a kid, I would walk here all the time, due to the fact that my house was only 8 blocks down and my parents didn’t seem to notice when I’d slip out, unseen. The playground became my home away from home when I wanted to get out of the house. I guess you could consider it the beginning of my career as a spy. I had to sneak out of the house, obviously, because my parents didn’t have the time to take me themselves. They were always too preoccupied with work to bother with me. It’s not like I wasn’t well taken care of, I had the bare necessities, why would I ask for more? Well, I did. I wanted friends, but being the shy girl that I was, I would climb trees and only watch the other kids play, as I do now, though I don’t climb trees much anymore. I can’t help but envy the small children being pushed on the swings by their parents, or the elementary students playing soccer or basketball with each other.
It wasn’t just the sneaking, I learned to eavesdrop without being seen, using the trees or the jungle gym to conceal myself. I guess you could consider me a stalker, learning bits and pieces of a person’s personality without them knowing. For example, Johnny Bartle, a boy in my biology class, has never met me, but I know his favorite sport is tennis and he doesn’t like to get dirty. Also, when he was a kid, he liked Trisha Stewart and tried to ask her out when he thought they were all alone walking along the path. She turned him down and neither of them talked about it. I was the only one who knew.
I learned to be different people. I could imitate just about any kind of personality because of the variety of people that I would follow. It would turn into a sort of game for me. I would make a goal of mastering a person’s walk and mannerisms before the sun began to set, which was when I decided I should walk home. Even I was smart enough not to walk alone late at night.
The park was actually where I was “discovered” I guess you could call it. I remember the day clearly. It was a nice day, in my opinion, because it wasn’t too hot or too cold. There were a few clouds in the sky, I remember I thought one looked like a bird, matching a gray pigeon that I had been entranced by. It landed in a tree, and I, of course curious, decided to challenge myself to sneak up on the bird. I started climbing the tree when I noticed a luminous figure. I don’t know why I would consider him luminous because he looked like an average civilian. He wore a red baseball cap to cover his messy, curly black hair and a gray T-shirt and jeans. But he had a serious expression on is mouth. I couldn’t see his eyes. I had never seen him at the park before so, naturally, I wondered about his identity. And then, well, I followed him. I stayed as well hidden as I could. At first I just stayed in the tree because I don’t think he noticed me, then he walked away and I slipped down and took care to make sure I wasn’t too conspicuous, blending in with the other children, swinging on the swing, standing by the others. He met up with another guy, I think it was Johnny’s dad and they walked down the side walk, talking and they eventually sat at the same bench I’m sitting on. I hid behind a tree in their blind spot, stealing glances when I felt it was safe. I started to be able to catch bits and pieces of their conversation. I don’t recall exactly what they talked about, it had been years ago, I think it was something about explosive cake or at least something along those lines. Anyways, I learned his name was Mr. Jackson and Johnny’s dad was working for him. I had started retreating back to the playground when a lady with burgundy hair and icy blue eyes approached me.
“Excuse me, are your parents here?” She had a sweet smile and a smooth voice, but I couldn’t get past her eyes. I was cautious.
“No, they were going to the grocery store while I spent time here, with my friends. Is there something I can help you with?”
She smirked. “You know, had I not been watching you this entire time, I might actually have believed you. You don’t really know those kids.”
“Yes, I do. That’s Johnny, Trisha-”
“Oh, I’m sure you could name off every kid here and probably most of their parents, too.”
“Listen, Miss, I don’t think my parents would appreciate me talking to a str-”
“Your parents aren’t here. And they’re not coming to pick you up either.” I tried really hard to keep my expression calm, but I was really starting to get freaked out. “You were eavesdropping on those two men over there, weren’t you?”
“How do you-?”
“Just answer the question.”
“Yes, I was.”
“Do you know that man’s name? The one in the baseball cap?”
I nodded. “Mr. Jackson...he and Johnny’s dad were talking about exploding cakes...”
“And why were you spying on Mr. Jackson?”
“H-he’s not from around here.”
“And you know this for a fact?”
I bit my lip, but nodded. She smiled again, looking satisfied.
“Call me Sal.” She held out her hand and I shook it. “Now, tomorrow, instead of sneaking away from home, come to The Little Bean. It’s a little coffee shop just a couple blocks from here down this main road. You have a gift, kid, I just want to develop your skills.” And just like that, she walked away. I was speechless, confused, a little scared, but also a little excited. I mean, what kid wouldn’t be totally enthralled by a sudden mystery. I ran home, wanting to burst, but, of course, no one was home and I was left with this huge secret. I couldn’t tell my parents, they wouldn’t understand and then I’d have to explain my sneaking out of the house.

message 38: by DragonDreamer (new)

DragonDreamer this is all i have for chap 2 so far...

message 39: by Haven Angel (new)

Haven Angel youv'e writen alot so far! how long did this take oyu?

message 40: by DragonDreamer (new)

DragonDreamer well... i wrote it over the time span of a couple days, but the actual time i spent working on it was maybe an hour and a half

message 41: by Haven Angel (last edited Mar 11, 2011 08:29PM) (new)

Haven Angel YOUR BRAIN MUST BE HUGE jk thats amazing, fro me i start writing the after like 10 min i get bord and stop!! poor me!

message 42: by DragonDreamer (new)

DragonDreamer what are you talking about? you wrote that poem about me nd ingrid in like what? 2 minutes?

message 43: by Haven Angel (new)

Haven Angel thats a quick poam not a storie!
besides I gots insperatian!!!

message 44: by DragonDreamer (new)

DragonDreamer ;P exactly! I just had a little inspiration is all! haha its like u said when u get the idea in ur head and you just have to put it down on paper.

message 45: by Haven Angel (new)

Haven Angel ya
i hate it though when you write a whole amazing storie in your head and the n whe you cna actually write it... you forgot it i did that i was so mad !!!

message 46: by DragonDreamer (new)

DragonDreamer It's not that I forget it, it's just that I need to add so much detail nd I end up changing it a lot.

message 47: by Haven Angel (new)

Haven Angel for me it never sounds the same as it did when it started when i imagined it!! i wish i had pgotographic memorie!

message 48: by DragonDreamer (new)

DragonDreamer :P me too! certainly would make school a lot easier!

message 49: by Haven Angel (last edited Mar 11, 2011 08:52PM) (new)

Haven Angel totaly

message 50: by DragonDreamer (new)

DragonDreamer well tell me what you think of it so far! any critiques would be helpful

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