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message 1: by [deleted user] (new)

message 2: by [deleted user] (new)

Hi, Fatima!

message 3: by [deleted user] (new)

Hiya! Will ya read my story?

message 4: by [deleted user] (new)

Yesh! Yesh, I will! In fact, I just did. I looooove the first chapter. The only thing I have to suggest is that with all the dialogue (which is great, btw), you really should have them in different paragraphs. Like this;

“And here’s your room,” Hayley said, cheerfully, pulling open a door.

I expected the dark red, I had sported before Evan had left, but was astonished to see blue. Evan stood behind me, arms crossed, “Are you going to go in?” Jenny gave him a look, but I listened, stepping inside.

Hayley smiled, taking Evan’s hand, “We hope you feel welcome here, Noelle.”

I turned to her bracing myself to blurt out something like, 'Fuck you Evan', but instead I said, “I think I will.”

Because when it isn't like that, it gets extremely confusing. And who is Jenny, by the way?

message 5: by [deleted user] (new)

Damn it, did I put Jenny anywhere there? That was supposed to be Hayley's name before I chose it.

message 6: by [deleted user] (new)

Lol! :D

message 7: by [deleted user] (new)


message 8: by [deleted user] (new)

I'll add more when I can. Was it really like seriously good, or are you just kidding?

message 9: by [deleted user] (new)

It really is good. You're really good at dialogue. I like how you have her thoughts as well as the other characters and like, their actions are written well. If that makes sense. :P

message 10: by [deleted user] (new)


message 11: by Amaranta, I might be insane, but then again, what writer isn't? (last edited Nov 15, 2010 01:55PM) (new)

Amaranta (foreverreader) | 346 comments Mod
I have two questions/suggestions. When you put:

"When I saw Evan standing in the doorway of the apartment, my
first impression was to slam it on his face."

did you mean to do the whole my enter, first impression thing? Also I think that impression should be instinct. Impression is more of what you think of a person/object. Instinct is how you'd want to react to an event/person/object.

I also agree with Kaylin, your dialog is really good and I like the story itself.

message 12: by [deleted user] (new)

Thanks. :3

message 13: by [deleted user] (new)

Okay, I have some more work up, a totally different story that's WAY interesting then the one before.

message 14: by [deleted user] (new)


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