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message 1: by ♥ Rachel♥ (new)

♥ Rachel♥   (i_got_a_jar_of_dirt) | 29 comments Mod
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"


message 2: by ♥ Rachel♥ (last edited Nov 03, 2010 07:50PM) (new)

♥ Rachel♥   (i_got_a_jar_of_dirt) | 29 comments Mod
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" asked the woman.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."


message 3: by ♥ Rachel♥ (new)

♥ Rachel♥   (i_got_a_jar_of_dirt) | 29 comments Mod
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


message 4: by [deleted user] (new)

Lol


message 5: by [deleted user] (new)

LAWL ^^


message 6: by [deleted user] (new)

Roflmaoctctjotwcactshahdssahdtmwompgmafl.......i dont feel like explaining...


message 7: by ♥ Rachel♥ (new)

♥ Rachel♥   (i_got_a_jar_of_dirt) | 29 comments Mod
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied... "Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"


message 8: by [deleted user] (new)

lol!


message 9: by Jenna (new)

Jenna haha


message 10: by ♥ Rachel♥ (new)

♥ Rachel♥   (i_got_a_jar_of_dirt) | 29 comments Mod
Hey do you guys mind blond jokes? :P


message 11: by [deleted user] (new)

Go ahead.


message 12: by Jenna (new)

Jenna i luv blond jokes =D


message 13: by ♥ Rachel♥ (new)

♥ Rachel♥   (i_got_a_jar_of_dirt) | 29 comments Mod
OK, just wanna make sure I don't offend anyone :P

A blonde, redhead, and brunette were standing on a carpet that makes you disappear if you say (or think) an untruth.
The brunette said, "I think I am the most beautiful girl in the world," and, POOF! She disappeared!
The redhead said, "I think I am the most beautiful girl in the world," and, POOF! She disappeared!
The blonde said, "I think-" and, POOF! She disappeared!


message 14: by [deleted user] (new)

XD, i love that one!


message 15: by [deleted user] (new)

I have one but imma post it here and in my jokes topic..

A blonde, redhead, and brunette were out hunting. The brunette went out and came back with a deer, the others were like "Woah! How did you catch that!" the brunette said "Saw the tracks, followed the tracks, shot the deer." So the redhead goes out and comes back with a bear, the others were like "Cool! How'd you catch that?" she said "Saw the tracks, followed the tracks, shot the bear." the blonde went out and came back all cut up and bruised the others were like "What happened?" "Saw the tracks, followed the tracks, got hit by a train..."


message 16: by ♥ Rachel♥ (new)

♥ Rachel♥   (i_got_a_jar_of_dirt) | 29 comments Mod
xD awww I like that one too ^-^


message 17: by [deleted user] (new)

Thanks....i cant think of any more...=\


message 18: by Jenna (new)

Jenna haha those are good


message 19: by Jenna (new)

Jenna A blonde walks into a barber shop for a haircut wearing headphones. She sits down and the barber asks, “Maam? I’m going to have to ask you to take those headphones off so I can cut your hair.”
She refused and he asked again, feeling his temperature rising.
She refused once again and the barber got so mad, he knocked the headphones off of her head. She slumped to the floor with a purple face and everyone in the barber shop gasped.
The barber picked up the headphones and put them to his ear.
This is what he heard: “Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out…”


message 20: by ♥ Rachel♥ (new)

♥ Rachel♥   (i_got_a_jar_of_dirt) | 29 comments Mod
xD omg wow!


message 21: by ♥ Rachel♥ (new)

♥ Rachel♥   (i_got_a_jar_of_dirt) | 29 comments Mod
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now." (He was an Irish setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"


message 22: by Jenna (new)

Jenna haha


message 23: by ♥ Rachel♥ (new)

♥ Rachel♥   (i_got_a_jar_of_dirt) | 29 comments Mod
During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self- defense.

After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?"

The student replied, "BIG ones."


message 24: by ♥ Rachel♥ (new)

♥ Rachel♥   (i_got_a_jar_of_dirt) | 29 comments Mod
Oh, and story:

While riding the bus, my mom noticed a guy, who was holding onto the same pole, staring at her. Eventually, he said, "Excuse me. This is my stop."

Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused. "Well," she said,"go ahead."

"And this is my pole," he said.

My mother was totally until the guy added, "I just bought it at the hardware store."

And with that, he picked up his pole and carried it off the bus.

xD


message 25: by [deleted user] (new)

*♥Nemonica♥* §♦Epic cat lover!♦§ wrote: "I have one but imma post it here and in my jokes topic..

A blonde, redhead, and brunette were out hunting. The brunette went out and came back with a deer, the others were like "Woah! How did yo..."


OMG!!!!!!!! nemonica, I TOLD U THAT ONE!!!!


message 26: by [deleted user] (new)

*♥Nemonica♥* §♦Epic cat lover!♦§ wrote: "Roflmaoctctjotwcactshahdssahdtmwompgmafl.......i dont feel like explaining..."

STOP STEALING THINGS FROM ME!!!!!!!


message 27: by [deleted user] (new)

i have one that IM NOT STEALIN *glares at nemonica*

THree men who work in construction are on top of a building eating lunch. Man 1 said "If I get peanut butter and jelly 1 more time, Im gonna jump off of this building and kill myself!" The next day, he got peanut butter and jelly, so he jumped. When they interviewed the wife, she said "I didnt know he didnt like peanut butter and jelly."

Man 2 said "If I get tuna 1 more time, I'll jump off this building!" The next day, he got tuna, so he jumped.When they interviewed his wife , she said "I didnt know he didn't like tuna."

Man 3 said "If I get ham and cheese one more time,, Im gonna jump off this building." The next day, he got ham and cheese. When they interviewed the wife, she said, "Dont look at me, he makes his own lunch.


message 28: by [deleted user] (new)

whatever...


message 29: by Jenna (new)

Jenna ooo ladies plz tell me ur jk


message 30: by [deleted user] (new)

no...


message 31: by [deleted user] (new)

no, i talked to her on the phone, she stole my jokes, and she knows it, but she doesnt care, she never does


message 32: by [deleted user] (new)

http://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/4...

Yeah....i thought you wouldn't care to check a topic made by me...


message 33: by ♥ Rachel♥ (new)

♥ Rachel♥   (i_got_a_jar_of_dirt) | 29 comments Mod
A true story out of San Francisco...

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch & wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.


message 34: by [deleted user] (new)

Lmao....nice


message 35: by Lyla (new)

Lyla Neko (scourgelyla) | 10 comments Mod
lol


message 36: by ♥ Rachel♥ (new)

♥ Rachel♥   (i_got_a_jar_of_dirt) | 29 comments Mod
One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said, "Officer, you can't give me a ticket for that!"

"Why not?" said the officer.

"Because although I did not stop, I slowed right down and it's almost the same."

"But you did not stop," replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP."

"But the way was clear and it was safe," replied the motorist.

The officer then pulls out his baton and starts hitting the motorist.

"What are you doing?!" yells the motorist in surprise.

"Do you want me to slow down or stop?" says the officer.


message 37: by Lyla (new)

Lyla Neko (scourgelyla) | 10 comments Mod
Haha! XD


message 38: by [deleted user] (new)

I like that one. =)


message 39: by ♥ Rachel♥ (new)

♥ Rachel♥   (i_got_a_jar_of_dirt) | 29 comments Mod
Following the birth of my second child, I called our insurance company to inquire about my short-term disability policy.

"I just had a baby," I proudly announced to the representative who picked up the phone.

"Congratulations! I'll get all of your information and activate your policy," she assured me. After taking down basic facts like my name and address, she asked, "Was this a work-related incident?"


message 40: by [deleted user] (new)

lol


message 41: by ♥ Rachel♥ (new)

♥ Rachel♥   (i_got_a_jar_of_dirt) | 29 comments Mod
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"

"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.

"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"


message 42: by [deleted user] (new)

Haha, i getz it! X)


message 43: by ♥ Rachel♥ (new)

♥ Rachel♥   (i_got_a_jar_of_dirt) | 29 comments Mod
Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught thirty fish. One guy said to his friend,

"Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."

The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"

His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."

The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"


message 44: by [deleted user] (new)

I know people who would actually do that too...=)


message 45: by ♥ Rachel♥ (new)

♥ Rachel♥   (i_got_a_jar_of_dirt) | 29 comments Mod
Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."


message 46: by Lyla (new)

Lyla Neko (scourgelyla) | 10 comments Mod
XD


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