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message 1: by ♪Chloe (new)

♪Chloe  the Beatles Fanatic♫ (chloe_loves_thebeatles_and_books) | 44 comments Ok, sooooo, well, I absolutely LOVE writing, which is why I joined this awesome group. Although, I need more work at it.

Please give me feedback, and tell me what to add or fix. It would help me SOOO much!!!


message 3: by [deleted user] (new)

'Kay, me will read. ;)

message 4: by [deleted user] (new)

But I may comment later on in the weekend. Sorryyyy about that. O.o

message 5: by Carina (last edited Sep 18, 2010 06:33AM) (new)

Carina Alright, Chloe! Here's my review of Chapter 1 of The Elites of Nemain

"Dying isn't pleasant. Even if your (you’re) dreaming about it."

"I am walking through fields of fresh...taking in their refreshing (refreshing sounds kind of repetitive since you’ve already said that they are fresh), sweet scent that fills my body..."

"He is tall and thin, and even from this distance, I can see that his eyes are a light, electric green. (I think you need a comma instead of a period) Startling against the growing ever darker sky..."

"Then it happens. The sky becomes unpleasantly dark, light (like) someone has just shut off the sun."

"I hear a deep growling, slicing the air, shaking my nerves into puddles. (I really like that sentence!) Somewhere to my right, someone is stepping heavily through the flowers, and ahead of me, where the boy was standing, are small red eyes. (Again, I think you need a comma here) Ones that make you curl in bed in nightmares, ones that haunt your dreams."

"The boy lifts the dagger, seeming to hesitate, then he sends it sailing towards my heart. (I love that line. Your use of the word, sailing, was really descriptive.)"

I wake up screaming. Sweat is streaming down my face and soaks my bed. I think back to the boy, and think (of) how he haunts my dreams...

I sit up in my bed, listening to the old metal springs creak under my weight. Listening to the calming river outside my window. Listening to my heart slow down to its normal beat. (Starting the last two sentences with ‘listening’ makes the writing seem choppy. Try to make them flow better together) I get up out of bed and scuffle (I think you mean shuffle. A scuffle is like a fight) across the floor towards the door...

I make my way down to the kitchen and grab a water (a water bottle? A cup of water?) from the fridge, drinking it as if I have never had a drink of water before.

Overall there were just a few punctuation mistakes but I really enjoyed reading it! I'm thinking that her dream is like some kind of premonition and that the green eyed boy will show up later in the story. Those are just some of my thoughts :) Anyways I hope you continue writing!

message 6: by ♪Chloe (new)

♪Chloe  the Beatles Fanatic♫ (chloe_loves_thebeatles_and_books) | 44 comments Thank you so much for your feedback!!!

I will change it.

message 7: by ♪Chloe (new)

♪Chloe  the Beatles Fanatic♫ (chloe_loves_thebeatles_and_books) | 44 comments http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...

This is an excerpt from a book I am working on.

message 8: by [deleted user] (last edited Oct 02, 2010 12:50PM) (new)

I'll read. Hold up.

message 9: by ♪Chloe (new)

♪Chloe  the Beatles Fanatic♫ (chloe_loves_thebeatles_and_books) | 44 comments Shanks.

message 10: by ♪Chloe (new)

♪Chloe  the Beatles Fanatic♫ (chloe_loves_thebeatles_and_books) | 44 comments http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...

A new story in the process of being finished :D

message 11: by Annabelle (new)

Annabelle (mrs-varen-nethers) | 100 comments Lovely introduction you have here. There's a few minor errors, but you can fix them by running a quick self-proofread. Otherwise, it's great!

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