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message 1: by Amina (last edited Sep 13, 2010 05:40AM) (new)

Amina  (journalistam) Cassie, Jessica and Brittany are fed-up of slaving their precious hours at the corner cafe for peanuts. When their newly-made friend, Melissa, offers them a job for good money, they jump for the chance. What they don't know is that behind the polite smiles and black suits there lies a deadly organization with plans to bring down the country. Will they be able to get out of the sticky situation to help... or will they be eluded with sweet talk in helping them?

link: http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...

message 2: by ¢σσкιєѕ (new)

¢σσкιєѕ | 197 comments Mod
I loooooved it!!!!

message 3: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) u read it?! wow, that was qwick

message 4: by ¢σσкιєѕ (new)

¢σσкιєѕ | 197 comments Mod
oh no not the whole thing silly me i'm up to chapter 4 :)

message 5: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) oh cool :) leave comments pls =]

message 6: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) u don't HAVE to. lol!

message 7: by Carina (new)

Carina Wow a really interesting start! I'm wondering why Cassie thinks the job is dangerous. I can't wait to read more!

message 8: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) glad u like it =]

message 9: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...

My NaNo story people! I've done 7 chapters, will keep u updated =)

message 10: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) k so i just finished chapter 7 and thought it was really good. the story is definitely gettin good and juicy. just a quick grammatical error though:

sweared is not a word

and there is something that i forgot to mention in my other message earlier. you gave away a little too much of your story in the description. i actually had to stop reading it because i ended up finding out htings too soon that i didn't want to find out before i started reading the story. so you might wanna cut it down a bit.

ah...the story is making me so sad...

message 11: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) awww don't get sad.

oh rite, swore. lol :P silly me

what part do u thinm gives too much information? I don't know what to cut down *bites lip*

message 12: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) uh....let's see...

Who, from the inside, is set on overthrowing the tyrants rule?

get rid of that line quick. you totally gave away the fact that somebody on the inside is helping Jaz and that's valuable information. its supposed to be a mystery so i would suggest you cutting that fact

and the entire last paragraph isn't really necessary because you've already let the reader know in the 2nd paragraph that Jazzy is set on revenge. you don't have to reiterate that notion.

message 13: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) o and sad is good. good for you. good for me. its the writer serving the reader emotions.

message 14: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) Ohk, I'm glad I'm bringing out strong reactions :)

Erm, I've already aded in the story that it has to be someone from the inside sending her info. Because it's confidential and we all know that everyone on the outside doesn't have access to any such information. What do you think?

I'll delete the last para tho

message 15: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) its fine that its actually in the story. im just saying, take it out of the description so that it does come off as a spoiler

message 16: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) ohk cool. I already did :)

message 17: by Rosalyn (last edited Nov 08, 2010 03:31PM) (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) whoa-ho-ho this is getting goood. im absolutely loving it amina. it feels more refined-no pun against your efforts in the previous chapters. to make myself more clear, it seems as though you are growing as Jaz(i thought it was jaz not Jazz?) grows i've got a few things to say however:

*i like Roger. there i said it.

*im kind of on the fence about what i think of the scene where Jaz is studying picture of the man and the woman. How can she feel that the man has eyes and the woman has her hair yet she "could't remember who these people were?" Obviously they're her parents. I'm just not sure that i like or even understand why parents weren't her very first thoughts. Perhaps you should scrap both of the "like mine" lines...?

*I'm kind of feeling like there's more to Fiona than you're letting on. obviously i don't know how the rest of the story will play out but i am hoping that there will be an explanation/examples from Jaz's memories or something as to what makes Fiona "evil" and "slutty" because so far she seems to have a "cruel cackle" and nothing more. O ya and the sadistic torture viewings. but what else is wrong with her

*i don't fully understand the deal with the photo and video. I mean, i know that Jaz is supposed to be getting help from a secret helper but it is unclear as to how she received the photo and the video. were those memories or dreams she was having? or was it the tingling/tickling of her hand? im kind of confused by that. please spruce up on those scenes

otherwise i think this is excellent. every single corner the story turns just takes me by surprise. its so exciting and i can't get enough of Jaz's wit and attitude. She's truly a mindful,tough cookie. plus she's resilient. i like that. and im even more glad she attacked fiona. the b deserved it. but amina...please tell me (well don't really tell me because i don't want you to spill the beans): WHAT THE F@CK DOES JAZ SEE IN ZACK??? hahaha wow...what a way for him to make an entrance into that last chapter.

message 18: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) Woop, long comment there! But greatly appreciate the tym u took out to rite all that helpful advice. sweet of u.

-It is a rough draft, u can't blame me if i go a little balistic. lol. thing is, she does recognize them but it takes some time for her to actually recall. she hasn't seen her parents in ever, plus they have been beaten and tortured to unrecognition... ofcourse it would take time for her to guess.

-hmm, I'm never good at creating bitchy characters. I want her to be a total snob and act real mean. Only I don't know how to do that :/ help, please?

-i was wondering if ppl were gonna get comfused by that. well, it's kind of like she's being sent videos/pics on her hand. yes, weird, but it's the future. if u remmeber in the begining, it has been explained a little wen sumaira's kid is going to be killed in public. I have to explain dat somewhere now. humph

-thanks for appreciating Jaz, i rly like her too :) that bit at the end where zack attacks her... my mind was debating on if i shld put that ur not. nuthing can be done now since i've already oput it up :P and what she sees in zack? love's love dude, no reason :P

message 19: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) okay here's an idea for Fiona. how about you add a quick back story/memory for Jaz of when she was younger and perhaps she had met Fiona wo was also a kid and that got a long and everything, they were really cool but then Fiona turned real ugly because Jaz confides to Fiona about her love for her brother but that doesn't sit well with Fiona because she wants to keep her brother to herself (and this is totally real inthe world, bros getting defensive with their sis and vice versa) and she depends on her brother because their father is a tyrant, so basically Fi and Zack are best friends. or maybe Fi had a secret crush on Roger since they were younger but everyone knows that Roger only had eyes for Jaz who didn't care back then, and not only that Fi is pissed because she can't be seen with a "peasant" so to speak so she's jealous of Jaz because she's mentally strong and wanted by Roger1 o man...there's so much you could do with this amina...

message 20: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) so much... but u wont get it unless I contain spoilers here. :P

to get Jaz and Rog togheter, I had the most perfect idea *gushes* wait for it! It just came to me and m so happy.

I also put a scene where Fi is torturing Jaz, check it out. This will have to do on Fi's part widout spoiling the story for evryone lol I can't do much more... maybe I'll add a bit be4 the next prt of the stry starts. then there will be no fi to worry abt, LOL xP

Thanks for the ideas tho.... if I can get some of it in widout spoiling, I sure will. awesome ideas :( too bad cnt use em

message 21: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) ok no problem sounds good i can't wait to read what you've got planned!

message 22: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) Hmm, I decided I'd only put up 14 chapters for now. Thas still alot. Do tell me wat you think. It's the first part of the novel. :)

message 23: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) good gracious amina!!! i can't believe it! i just finished the rest of the chapters you posted and i am so mad! because there isn't anymore. i want to keep reading it! girl you have outdone yourself. the suspense, the violence, the drama...you've covered it all in such a wonderful fashion. im so grateful that i got a chance to read this. the story is just getting to be too good. seriously. you have a great hand, a gift. i can't believe that you had doubts in your writing once upon a time. that.is.nuts. *takes a deep breath* im not sure what else to say other than that i hope you post more asap. i'll hunt you down llike...like fiona if you don't. lol. superb job amina. aaaaaahhhhhhh 8-D

message 24: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) haha *smiles embarrassed* Thanks, I'm so glad someone like you (who writes totally awesome) likes my story. The reason why I'm not putting more yet *leans down to whisper in Rose's ear* the rest of it sounds like garbish. I didn't want to spoil it... till chap 14, the story's been going well. After that though... I did a truly NaNo piece - write what you want, not what anyone else wants. So, it got a bit muddled. But ofcourse, I'll send you more, just for critisicm :)

Once again, thanks for your lovely feedback. It means a lot to me.

message 25: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) hey no problem, as always. im just here to tell it like it is. o btw later today im going to be posting an excerpt of a new novel im writing. it s aspin-off from Moments Like This and i just submitted this particular excerpt into a new creative writing contest. check it out in about 8 hours *chuckles*

message 26: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) oooh, can't wait for it! Post the link here, ok?

message 27: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) well here it goes. please beware of its graphic nature and be sure to read the description first. there are a few important notes there. thanks ;)


message 28: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) I can't view it! I'm under age wah wah

message 29: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) ok ok i fixed it. just beware of the graphic nature when you read it.

message 30: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...

Chapter 15. I;m starting to put up more chaps. Hope you like them. Your reviews count so do leave a comment :D

message 31: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) k im reading them today!

message 32: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) It's only one chap. another tmrw after editing :D

message 33: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) wow amina! your story is just getting better and better and your writing is just beautiful what with you covering everything from emotion and mystery like its all apart of your everyday routine to just sit down and spill these words. i swear this has got to be nothing to you to create just awesomeness. i am so in love with what your doing here. and the long breaks you take in posting the story(which i ought to slap you for =P) ends up being a slap to my impatience. thanks so much for your efforts. we are not worthy *winks at you*

message 34: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) Awww. Well, for you I've posted another chapter. Editing is tedious, as you know being a fellow writer, that's why I take time :P


I forgot to tell ya; I also added a prologue. It's at the begining of chap 1... so please check that out too.

Once again, thanks for the kind comments. What's with your writings? Anything new?

message 35: by Carina (new)

Carina AMINA!!! I will definitely be reading more of The Rebel this afternoon :D I've been meaning to get to it for so long >.<

message 36: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) It's alright. Whenever you have time :D

message 37: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) Amina wrote: "Awww. Well, for you I've posted another chapter. Editing is tedious, as you know being a fellow writer, that's why I take time :P


I forg..."

okay i'll read your other posts today...oooh i can just imagine how awesome the prologue is going to be.

as for my writing, well i've been working on the full length version of Moment's in Shackles for the past month and a half and i only posted that one excerpt a few weeks ago(you know...the one with the rape scene)...but i haven't decided if i am going to post any more excerpts and if i do i haven't decided what yet. i'll keep you posted though. i might just surprise ya =)

message 38: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) Alrite, awesome. I just love surprises, especially frum such a great riter as you. I've answered to ur comment on my latest chapter :D

message 39: by Amina (last edited Dec 11, 2010 06:23AM) (new)

Amina  (journalistam) The seed was sown two-hundred years ago...

Robin a.k.a Bin and Klutz are two of your average dare-devils. Always getting trouble, they are nearly grounded all year round; but that doesn't stop them carrying out their adventures.

It all happens whilst Bin has been grounded for spray-painting the school walls. It started off as one of their many secret, mischeivous adventures... and ended in something so big, they don't know what to do now.

In an abondaned house just out of town, they find the substance that changes their life... forever.

Ok, so this is what I have. I donno if it's worth continuing so I NEED feedback. Please, if this sounds good, tell me, so I'll start writing.

Thanks, thanks, thanks,

Amina :D

message 40: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) sounds really fun and interesting. fun because it's two troublemakers. interesting because they're boys and it just be a trip for you to write from their pov. on that note, this should come off challenging to you, so...i think you should continue it. id definitely read it. but i hope you plan to finish The Rebel...

message 41: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) Thanks but *blushes* Robin is a girl!!

And I am going to write from both of their views... I've started off with the guy's POV and it IS hard!

message 42: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) T-Rose wrote: "sounds really fun and interesting. fun because it's two troublemakers. interesting because they're boys and it just be a trip for you to write from their pov. on that note, this should come off cha..."

I've finished the rebel! Just need to edit faster :/ guh

message 43: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) Amina wrote: "Thanks but *blushes* Robin is a girl!!

And I am going to write from both of their views... I've started off with the guy's POV and it IS hard!"

o my bad =P well anyway it should be fun anyway. maybe one of them can be a guy and the other a girl...

message 44: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) Amina wrote: "T-Rose wrote: "sounds really fun and interesting. fun because it's two troublemakers. interesting because they're boys and it just be a trip for you to write from their pov. on that note, this shou..."

okie doke =D

message 45: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) it's what I'm doing! Klutz is a guy... and Bin (thas a joke between the two of em, in case ur wondering) is a girl :) they're bot best frends and are always getting into trouble. and now they're gonna get into sumthing they won't be able to get out off... ever!

lol, i love creating mystery :P

r u on facebook, rose?

message 46: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) nah. not a facebook person.

message 47: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) ohh alrite

message 48: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) when you posting the rest of The Rebel?

message 49: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) I am so sorry about the time I'm taking. I decided I'd edit a chap of the rebel and also rite more of the new story, but my head... guh

message 50: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) o its cool amina. i completely understand. i know exactly what your going through (or at least i think i do). i was just asking out of curiosity. not begging. i promise. but really, take your time =)

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