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message 1: by Keara (last edited Sep 12, 2010 01:09PM) (new)

Keara (kearachristine) :/ You said brutality... I'm giving it.

Ellean walked into the bookstore and looked around

atE((I'm thinking this is a typo.))

the rows of endless shelves that made up the bookstore. She breathed in the aroma of new books,

((SUGGESTION: She breathed in the aroma of new books and, after a brief sweep of the facility, she found...))

after a brief sweep of the facility she found Walter looking at a copy of War and Peace. She knew he’d read the book twice in the last year, among another fifty books monthly. He read so much

((SUGGESTION: He read so much that his room...))

his room probably had more books than the

schools ((*school's)) library, (all of which he had read at least three or four times.) ((No comma before parentheses, nor a period inside. You don't really need parentheses here anyways.))

“Hey Ellean!”
She turned and saw Zack standing at the door smiling.
“Zack?” She said, “I didn’t even think you knew this place existed,

((End sentence here, then capitalize "come".))

come to think of it, I didn’t think you knew what a book store was.”
“I didn’t,” Zack said smugly, “but the music store is closed and my parents told me this place had music.”
“Henceforth

((Comma after "Henceforth".))

the name, ‘Schuler Books and Music.’”
He ignored her and turned towards Walter, “Hey, Walt!”
Walter turned towards Zack and once he saw him his face turned pale as a ghost

((End sentence here, then capitalize "he". Actually, you could probably change it so you don't have the "...he looked as if he’d seen death..." part.))

he looked as if he’d seen death walking through the bookstore.
“What the heck are you doing here?” Walter asked in horror.
“Looking for music,” he casually replied

((Comma...))

popping the gum in his mouth.
“You,

((No comma here...))

have invaded my sanctuary

((But put one here...))

the only place I can go to escape you for even a millisecond. Since when do you even look at books willfully?”
“Since about three minuets ago when I wanted music.”
“I’m going to go into the other side of the store now and you are going to look at the music. Do not follow me and this can be good for both of us.” And with that he retreated opposite of the café.
Lenzey showed up shortly after. She had biked about thirty blocks to get here and was covered in sweat.

They all looked around for about an hour until they had made they’re

((*their))

choices. Ellean chose a copy of ‘The Raven and other works by Eager Allan Poe.’ Lenzey had bought a copy of ‘What the Moon Saw’ by Lora Resau. Walter and Zack left empty

((*empty-handed))

handed.
“Hey, Walter,” Lenzey said

((Comma.))

slowly biking so her friends could keep up with her,

((Just put a period here.))

“Do you have yesterdays’

((*yesterday's))

history notes? I didn’t realize we where

((*were))

suppose to copy that

((*them))

down.”
“Sure,” he replied,

((End sentence.))

“I’ll give you a copy of them on Monday.”
“Hey Walt,” Zack sung, “Can I have a copy of those notes?”
“No.” Walter answered quickly.
“Why not, you’re giving them to Lenzey.”
“Because Zack, unlike you, Lenzey actually tries to make it to the sixth grade without cheating on tests.”
“Oh, Walter,” Ellean interrupted,

((End sentence.))

“I just wanted to let you know that I could go.”
“What?”
“The trip to D.C.,” Ellean said.
“I thought Zack was taking us,” Lenzey said.
Zack began to open his mouth to argue but stopped abruptly and fell backwards unconscious.
Ellean rushed forward to grab his limp body.
Lenzey looked at Zack, confusion across her face. She looked like she was going to say something.

((*something, but began to))

But then she began to breathe heavily. Half a moment later she also fell unconscious. Walter caught her in his arms as her bike tumbled to the ground.
Walters’s blood pressure was speeding.
What was happening? This wasn’t ethical. This was unreal. He stared at Ellean for a long second. Then everything went dark. He fell to the ground with Lenzey in his arm.
Ellean stood there stunned.
She felt as if she was about to puke.
Was this possible? She didn’t know. Regardless, she had to get someone’s attention.
Her eyes darted up and down the street. She was beginning to fell

((*feel))

dizzy. Cars raced down the street, they didn’t notice anything irregular. The color was fading from her vision. Why didn’t anyone walk anymore? Why didn’t anyone notice?
Her vision became blotchy.
Cars and buildings became indistinguishable from one another.
Out of the corner of her eye she noticed a figure and screamed a split second before she hit the ground, out cold.


You separate paragraphs too soon. Only end paragraphs during dialogue and after 5-8 sentences.

Other than that, excellent. How old did you say you were?


message 2: by Keara (new)

Keara (kearachristine) Well it's really good for somebody so young. ^_^


message 3: by Carina (new)

Carina If you'd like some more people to take a look at your writing, you can always ask ;) I'll try to get around to reading some of it later this afternoon. The amount of homework I have is overwhelming! But I will get around to it :D


message 4: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) this is good. the interaction between the girl and her father is pretty humorous. i couldn't help chuckling every time he bit at her verbally.

Confused Natalia said. “And Americans are more likely to save the world?”

“No,” Her father grunted, “end it.”


great line. unfortunate truth.


message 5: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) Wow, where can I read more of this? this sounds epic! totally had me


message 6: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) well I dnt wanna presusurize u or anything =) but I'm looking forward to it.


message 7: by Carina (new)

Carina Wow, Isaac! You've totally got me hooked on Jason Gold :D Really brilliant! Keep it up :)


message 8: by Carina (new)

Carina Yay! I'm so excited now :D


message 9: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) whoa...i just read the jason gold chapter and i have to say it was amazing. i don't catch many stories on here from a guy's pov, but im glad i just did! i think you and your friend do a great job distinguishing between the first and second chapters because different points of view and settings can be hard to capture in differing lights. the language, the atmosphere, the personalities...they are very well crafted. i mean, you went from writing from an old man's pov, to a young girl in a completely different setting/world to a young guy somewheres far far away from them and i was utterly convinced and drawn by each of their separate qualities/characteristics. seriously, this is an awesome read and i just can't wait to read more.


message 10: by Carina (new)

Carina That's totally fine, Isaac. That happens to me all the time as well :)


message 11: by Carina (new)

Carina I will be reading this tomorrow for sure Isaac! Can't wait :D


message 12: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) I'm reading it now! Two whole chaps, yippee! Will comment on it there


message 13: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) great. story's getting better and better


message 14: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) ikr! Awesome till now... rite more soon :)


message 15: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) Cool! Awesome chap :)


message 16: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) Can't wait for it :)


message 17: by Carina (new)

Carina Dude! More Jason Gold?!! MUST READ NOW!!!!! :D


message 18: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) i like the additional chapters! nice. very nice. look, i haven't said this before, but i guess i should now. there a lot of grammatical errors throughout the story. i don't know if you and your friend are aware. but yes, there are. otherwise, the story is exciting. it's actually pretty hilarious. i can't stop lauging at jason's sarcasm and attitude.


message 19: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) i like the additional chapters! nice. very nice. look, i haven't said this before, but i guess i should now. there a lot of grammatical errors throughout the story. i don't know if you and your friend are aware. but yes, there are. otherwise, the story is exciting. it's actually pretty hilarious. i can't stop laughing at jason's sarcasm and attitude.


message 20: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) o no it's cool. you'll get to it when you get to it. i understand that. it's the story that matters really, i just thought i'd point out the grammar. just keep doing what you're doing =)


message 21: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) I'm reading :D


message 22: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) Isaac wrote: "Okay the next chapter is up, please give feed back on this one especially and feel free to make suggestions. Anyway, if we get enough comments on this one well have the next chapter up next month w..."

Awesome! I love the sacasm; Jason can be so funny at times! I'm really wandering what's gonna happen next... can't wait for more to be posted. =D


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