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message 1: by Carina (last edited Sep 11, 2010 06:13PM) (new)

Carina Carina's Writing

Link to my story

Fantasy/ Urban Fantasy


Please comment! Constructive Criticisms are graciously accepted :)

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...


message 2: by [deleted user] (new)

is that all you're going to say?


message 3: by Carina (last edited Sep 20, 2010 04:13PM) (new)

Carina Wow so it's been awhile since I've posted anything new, but I've FINALLY completed part 2 of Chapter 3 of my story, The Demon Queen. YAY! I'd really appreciate some helpful feedback on it since I feel that it was kinda rushed. Anyways, here's the link to read all of the chapters so far.

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...

Oh and for those of you who have already read chapter 3, you might want to take another look at what I've added because there's some kinda important stuff that goes on :)

Thanks for reading guys!

Here's a little excerpt for you all!


“Oh my God.” Someone in the room breathed. It was Ben. “The monument…” Evelyn looked back at the screen. “It’s falling.”

He was right. In the background, Evelyn could see the top of the Washington monument tilting sharply over the skyline and then fall completely out of sight. The news reporter turned. “Oh my God!” she screamed. “The Washington monument has fallen! Oh my God.”

Immediately, everyone whipped out their cell phones and began trying to get a hold of parents. Evelyn looked back at the news report which was re-playing the fall from the aerial view from a helicopter.

An explosion of orange fire shattered the column of stone at its base, sending large projectiles of debris sailing through the air. The monument had completely broken off of its base and it fell fast into the reflecting pool. More shots of the fall followed, playing over again and again.

People were running helpless through the streets, an unearthly fire taking root and beginning to spread throughout the city. The aerial cameras zoomed in on the fallen monument where another figure was etching more of the same symbols against the stone. In the background, Evelyn could see people jumping off and out of buildings, ones that weren’t even on fire. The people just jumped. Committing suicide.

Suddenly the intercoms throughout the school began to crackle and the principal's voice rang throughout the room. “Attention all faculty members, we ask that you please release all students to the bus ramp at this time. Due to the crisis, all D.C, Maryland, and Virginia schools are being closed for the time being. Students are being advised to go straight to the buses.” The intercom clicks off. The school was suddenly all abuzz.

‘God, it looks like hell...’ Bailey Saunders’ thoughts penetrated Evelyn’s head as she watched the broadcast. The fire jumped from building to building, cars warped around lamp posts and crashed into store windows. The monument’s former glory, burnt black and scarred with the hellish symbols. To Evelyn, it looked more like the end of the world.


message 4: by Shayla (new)

Shayla (shaylaalexander) I read later.


message 5: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) have u ritten more of that supernatural story. the one in wich their are protectors n stuf... that is ur stry rite?


message 6: by Shayla (new)

Shayla (shaylaalexander) Me? Or Carina?


message 7: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) I think it was Carina.


message 8: by Carina (new)

Carina Amina wrote: "have u ritten more of that supernatural story. the one in wich their are protectors n stuf... that is ur stry rite?"

umm I don't think that's my story. I haven't written anything about protectors >.<


message 9: by Carina (new)

Carina What did you guys think though. Good? Awful? Anything that needs a quick fix?


message 10: by [deleted user] (new)

Nope that's mine, Amina. O.o


message 11: by Carina (new)

Carina FATIMA!!! Have you read it yet?


message 12: by Shayla (new)

Shayla (shaylaalexander) Why to you call her Fatima?


message 13: by Carina (new)

Carina Because it used to be her screen name. and it's easier to say >.<


message 14: by [deleted user] (new)

Yes, I read it, it's actually pretty interesting, I mean the monument- is like HUGE! If it fell, that could be trouble, especially if it's in Washington D.C. >.<


message 15: by Carina (new)

Carina YAY! I'm glad you liked it! Was anything confusing though? I kinda rushed it and was finishing it at about ten last night. I already found some grammar mistakes and fixed those already but was there anything I missed?


message 16: by [deleted user] (new)

Okay, I'll re-read.


message 17: by [deleted user] (last edited Sep 20, 2010 03:35PM) (new)

"Immediately, everyone whipped out their cell phones and began trying to get a hold of parents."

I don't know how to bold in the text so I'm just going to say it's a bit confusing, trying to get a "hold" of their parents?

"The monument’s former glory, burnt black and scarred with the hellish symbols. To Evelyn, it looked more like the end of the world."

I liked this a lot, VERY descriptive, but besides the top lines, everything else was okay. Amazing actually.


message 18: by Carina (new)

Carina Thanks a lot! I'll go ahead and fix that one bit :)


message 19: by [deleted user] (new)

No problem, can't wait to read more! ;)


message 20: by Carina (new)

Carina I'm trying to make deadlines for myself so I don't go like two whole weeks without writing anything at all >.<


message 21: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) The Scary Monster's Buddy wrote: "Nope that's mine, Amina. O.o"

oh cool! dat was your STORY?! AWESOME! I LOVD IT. HAVE U RITTEN MORE?


message 22: by [deleted user] (new)

wait..... ummm was it the one with angels and reapers, or was it the one with the supernatural kids.


message 23: by Carina (new)

Carina Ok so I just wrote this poem for a writing class that I have tomorrow but I want to get some opinions on it first. Please tell me your thoughts. I'd really appreciate it :)Here's a link to it!

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...


message 24: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) ♥♥F♥♥ wrote: "wait..... ummm was it the one with angels and reapers, or was it the one with the supernatural kids."

yep. thas the one. and at the end she has a dream abt sum game... and in it she wins evntho she's the new kid. she becomes the wind... and stuff like dat. and rite wen it stopped it was like 'evn the nightmare?' and her protector says 'yes'


message 25: by [deleted user] (new)

mhoijiuyahdd8sa7r8erfhxgudopryghbsdh y g79asryf7sdhg


that's not it.


message 26: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) well... thas the one m wanting to kn. WHO ROTE IT!


message 27: by Carina (last edited Oct 06, 2010 04:34PM) (new)

Carina So I wrote this poem in Chemistry class today and though that it was worth sharing. It probably won't make any sense but here it is...

The Golden Hour

Silver moonlight

Slips through the curtains

Into unconsciousness.

It paints the scenery

Familiar shapes,

Displays of colour,

The stuff of dreams.

With angelic light

Comes strokes of demons

Chasing the mind

Into an awful corner.

The tortured soul that walks among

The sovereign beauty

Schizophrenic

Choking on a bloody scream,

A sound,

Sophisticated diction.

The world made of beasts and bayous,

Welded to the real and the imagined

Becomes the golden hour.




So please feel free to leave comments on this! I'd really appreciate it :) Here's a link to some of the other few poems I've written if you like this one.

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...


message 28: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) chasing the mind into an awful corner

best line in here hands down

quick note: i don't write a lot of poetry, some, but not a lot, and not often, and that pretty much goes for reading it too. when i do however i tend to hang on to the line that seems to say the most and that's what this line does. keep doin what you doin


message 29: by [deleted user] (new)

Oh my God! Never knew you wrote poetry. This is awesome!


message 30: by Carina (last edited Oct 08, 2010 02:14PM) (new)

Carina Thanks for the comments guys! It means a lot :)

So here's another poem that I just wrote today (I must really be on a roll. I hardly ever write poetry this often). I'm not sure what to name it yet so for now it will be known as... UNTITLED (yes I know how original of me)


Untitled

Oh formidable foe!

How fierce your facade.

The web you weave

Tumultuous.

Your spinner’s hands

Deception.

Oh formidable foe!

My friend.

My dear

Poison.

My siren

Song.

Oh formidable foe!

How I pity you.

So disgraced

Your reputation.

Your lack of wit

A joke.

Oh formidable foe!

How lovely the day.

So sweet

Without you.

No more

Despair.


message 31: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) i like this. a. lot. it's like a prolonged, juicy, smart way of telling somebody to "back the hell up before i smack you"


message 32: by Carina (new)

Carina Yeah exactly. I really have no idea who I was directing all this towards. I wish I knew...


message 33: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) ghostly disembodiment. doesn't have to be anybody in particular. it's just something to stow away in your arsenal for later perhaps? to remind yourself that you can write whatever and have absolutely no purpose for it, just as long as you wrote something


message 34: by Amaranta (last edited Oct 09, 2010 01:33PM) (new)

Amaranta (foreverreader) | 125 comments I love love love love The Demon Queen!! Can't wait for you to write more. And your poems are awesome too.


message 35: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) Carina wrote: "Thanks for the comments guys! It means a lot :)

So here's another poem that I just wrote today (I must really be on a roll. I hardly ever write poetry this often). I'm not sure what to name it yet..."



for a title, how about: my formidable foe, my sweet formidable foe


message 36: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) is demon qeen the one where the devil appears wen she's small... and then she strts hearing pople's thots. That's ur stry Carina, right? I loved it!


message 37: by Carina (new)

Carina Yeah that's mine :) You're the first person who's told me they've made the connection that the man on the subway is the Devil. I was kind of wondering if people knew or not. Thanks for reading it! Hopefully I'll be posting chapter four later today. I just have A LOT of editing to do.


message 38: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) well, inform me by mail or sumthing... coz I really wnanna read on.

and lol xP *brushes imaginary dust off her shoulder* It's kinda obvious abt him being the devil and all :P


message 39: by Carina (new)

Carina Yeah I wasn't sure if it was or not but I guess it is kind of obvious >.< And yes I'll be messaging all the people who have commented on my story so far so that they can read more :)


message 40: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) yayy, I'll b waiting.


message 41: by Carina (new)

Carina Woohoo!!! So I finally finished Chapter 4 of The Demon Queen. Yay :D

Here's the link to the chapter.

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...

Any comments, suggestions, critiques can be posted here and are graciously accepted. I really need some harsh criticism on this one guys. I rushed this (as always) so I'm missing lots of detail and probably made tons of mistakes so help is appreciated.

So thanks for reading this everyone! I hope you enjoy :D


message 42: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) yayy! me gna read this tmrw... it's like quarter to 3 in the morning!!


message 43: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) im readin right now!


message 44: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) WOW! OMG OMG! AWESOME CLIFF HANGER! totally ♥ it!


message 45: by Carina (new)

Carina Thanks Amina :)


message 46: by Amina (new)

Amina  (journalistam) no. thanks to u. great read


message 47: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) jeez on hangin on the edge of my chair. so eager to finish the chapter but so didn't want it to be over either. real exciting cliff hanger.

now down to business:

i really think that you should indicate more at the beginning of the chapter why it's so important for Evelyn to disobey aunt kay, especially because of the way you described the attack at the end of chapter three. witht the way you had described it, it really did come off as very much like it was the "end of the world" as you had described evelyn's view of the attack. so shouldn't she be as frantic and panicked as kay is about it? as reluctant as evelyn was about going to the concert in the first place (which you mentioned at the beginning of chapter 3) it just seems as though the attack should have been reason enough for evelyn to change her mind about going to the concert with julia. Also, i think you should mention how far away from the attack evelyn and company live so that going to the concert makes more sense, if in fact they live far enough away from the attack that going to the concert isn't really a big deal. See, in the instance where you had evelyn leave the club alone you described how empty the streets were and how people were too afraid to leave their homes...so why did so many people go ahead and go to the concert? the way you described the attack in ch.3 it seemed almost like 9/11 all over again, that's just how serious you made it sound...so i'm wondering if perhaps you should reorganize some scenes. maybe you can have the attack happen the day after the concert so that it makes a little bit more sense why that crowd is comfortable enough to still go to it despite that major attack.

do you kind of get where i'm going with this? i hope i didn't over extend my suggestions. there are just some elements here that seem like they would do better in a more appropriate setting.

i didn't focus too much on the grammatical/conventional elements here because i was so caught up in the mysterious/suspenseful draw to the story and besides that you seem to have a pretty good hold on that anyway.

i'm going to go back through this again. there were a few things i wanted to say about your use of adjectives and metaphors.


message 48: by Carina (new)

Carina Thanks so much, Rose! This helped A LOT :)


message 49: by Rosalyn (new)

Rosalyn Leigh (t-rose) no problem =)


message 50: by Carina (new)

Carina Wooo! So some of you know that I've got a new story idea churning so I've been able to type up this small bit. The title is "The Cold-Blooded Girl" but I'm trying to think up something else. For now it works though.

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...

Please leave comments, critiques, suggestions, really anything. I hope you all enjoy it so far :)


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