Young Writers discussion
note: This topic has been closed to new comments.
People Archive
>
Here's a Talia, there's a Talia and another little Talia, fuzzy Talia, funny Talia, Talia Talia DUCK
message 1:
by
Talia
(new)
Sep 08, 2010 02:36PM
*The title has nothing to do with my writing. Ok now here is my writing so please review because you want to make me happy. And I am nicer when I am happy. I do not hurt people. So....enjoy*
reply
|
flag
Hahaha I love your topic's name! But, unfortunately, now it's in my head >.<What's your story about?
I read it! It's quite nice. I feel like a few more details could be used and perhaps a little more vocab. I made a couple grammatical corrections in bold. It's good, Rea, I would read more."Name?" the security official asked. I smiled with fake enthusiasm.
"Lilyanne Duport," I lied as an expert would, because in a way I was. The man glanced at me then his eyes drifted over to the guest list. My toe was digging into the high-heel. I have wide feet. I can't help it and lemme tell you one thing, trying to smile at the same time does not work. A creepy half open mouth smile was probably what I was displaying on my face. It was not pretty.
"Ah yes welcome Ms.Duport. We hope you will enjoy the party." The way he said that suggested he did not enjoy standing looking over guest lists all day. He curtously opened the door for me.
"Thank you."
I stepped inside the large parlor. Businessmen discussing stock market rates, random guests, and snobby women talked amongst themselves waiting for the big opening of the new company. The perfect place for an opportunity.
I kept walking completely aware that my identity card said Lilyanne although that was a complete lie. Anyone who knew me could confirm. But anyone who knew me wouldn't recognize me anyway. I swooped up a glass of champagne and walked around with a purpose. As if. I scoffed at the idea of me being actually invited here. Strolling around the area with a glass of champagne.
I guess now would be a good time to explain that I am seventeen. No I am not forty.
Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a strange man. He looked sad.
"Good morning." I used a light French accent as part of my cover.
"Hello..?" It was more of a question, really.
"Beautiful day isn't it?"
"capitalize this yes it is...?" Everything he said seemed to end as a question. I guess he half spoke his thoughts. Who the heck are you??? I imagined him questioning me in his mind. I kept the small talk going for a while.
So I heard the stock market is gonna crash. I did too...? You should like...italicize this so the reader doesn’t have to guess at what’s happening before realizing it’s a conversation
Isn't it a marvelous business they are opening? It sure is...? See the above
It was very aggravating listening to his questions/responses. Were they answers? Or questions? Ugh. That was one too many questions.
"So I heard your business was doing unbelievably well!" I exclaimed after I figured out he owned Oil Bros and Co. After talking to him for nearly ten minutes. He wasn't making this very easy.
"Oh yes." He looked away for a second. I was surprised. That was the first question he answered without being confused. At least I think it was. Ack! He was passing his confusing-ness Lol, try using confusionon to me!
"Let's hope you use lawful waysinsert punctuation here" I meant that as a joke. He stammered something as he fingered his collar. That was when I realized it was not funny. I made a quick mental note. Suddenly I looked at my faux-crystal incrusted watch. Darnit. It was getting late and my mom was getting home in an hour. I had to remove this heavy make-up and disguise and act like a regular teenager before she came through the door.
What a life I had. I pretended to look sad and turned to the man.
"Oh I'm so sorry but you see I have this urgent meeting--"
"It's alright. Please go." He looked relieved. I couldn't wait to write a column on this. Owner of Oil Bros and Co uses unlawful techniques! I imagined it on the front page.
I bit my lip because my toe started to throb madly in these pointy deadly heels. I didn't know whether I could make it to the door. How many meters was that? A little too muchI think it should be many not much. With every step I cringed. Every time I put pressure on my feet a pain shot up my leg.
A few people looked my way. I just smiled at them as if I was fine. You know what I said about being a good liar....? They went back to their little conversations. My speed significantly increased as I neared the door. If only the car was parked right here... stupid heels. They deserve to die in a hole.
And then...perhaps it was the heels or the slightly slippery floor or maybe a combination of both but I felt my foot giving away to the ground and my glass went flying out of my hand. What was that? Soon enough I realized that was the cielingceiling. Now why was I staring at the cielingsame as the other? This made no sense.
The noise stopped. People rushed to my side to help me. Cries of "Oh my goodness!" "Is she alright?" and "What was she thinking wearing those heels?" Oh I love the compassion people give you. I propped myself up on one elbow and with the help of at least half a dozen people I stood up wobbling dangerously on my shoes.
I dusted my dress.
"I am alright." This was bad. Very bad. WHY ME??? I am not supposed to attract attention. This is the very last time I wear heels. I ran out the door without glancing back. If I had, perhaps I would have caught the baffled looks. If I had, perhaps I would have realized my dark brown wig was crooked and a few strands of my ginger hair stood out.
But by the time the guards put the pieces together, I was well out of reach.
Um it's written on the thingy if you click on it. The name of the story is "The Masked Demon" but idk if I should change it to "Disguises. Lies. And the Terrible Truth."Help?
Oh and thank you Dr. Smiles! Awesome review. That was beast. I'm gonna fix everything now. ^-^
Dr. Smiles wrote: "No problem :)"Oh and I kind of like Disguises. Lies. And the Terrible Truth better because it's more playfulish yet still enticing and dangerous, just like the story itself.
Wow you are being really helpful today Dr. Smiles ^.^I changed the title as well
Lol. It's just 'cause I'm in a good mood. Just kidding. I will actually be helpful when I have time to :)
Um. Talia was my name to begin with. It's a long stooory. I just called myself Rea at first.
Wait so like are you the old Talia. Like...the one that was here a long time ago but when on vacation and stuffs?
yup! I'm the dissapearing Talia alright!
But I won't be on vacations anymore I think. School started.
umm...yeah I'm currently writing the second chapter which will explain what the heck is going on.
Ok so. Another update: For NaNoWriMo I have chosen this one idea that I had for a while now and I think it has a lot of potential. Can't wait to write it!!! But....I need to wait till November -___- awww.... I'm sad now.
I think I might actually start it before Nanowrimo and do another one for the actual competition......maybe not.
Mod
I just started.....I HAVE SO MUCH HOMEWORK!!!Especially in math >.<
Me too! I have to take a test and do a lesson today...but I'm procrastinating....
Mod
Yesh. My math class is challenging (I skipped a grade in math) so we took a test yesterday that I didn't actually study for and got....a bad grade.
Mod
If it makes you feel better … I'm god-awful at math. I think I pretty much failed every single test last year. O_O
It's ok ^-^ I haaaaaaate homework though sooo much. It should go die in a hole indeed. There was a research that proved that homework doesn't actually help students! *grumblegrumble* But they give it anyway
Mod
I was verrry bored so I made a cover for the novel.....And here is the finished product.....
Tell me what you think of it ^-^
I actually drew the girl on a piece of paper then used picnik to do EXTREME photo editing.
OK well...I deleted all my stories off goodreads so they aren't available anymore (obviously...)
Talia wrote: "OK well...I deleted all my stories off goodreads so they aren't available anymore (obviously...)"nooooo I just came on here to see if you had links to them :(
^^^I do like that cover though!
oh haha thnx...I'm going to start another story actually so check back later when I finally finish the first chapter ^-^
O.o I know you liked my first two chapters of vapors (and left realllyy nice comments :D:D) so I wrote another chapter and I wanted to drop the link here :DAnd thank you sooo much for the kind comments!
http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...
YAY another chapter ^-^ ok I'll go read it
Talia wrote: "*The title has nothing to do with my writing. Ok now here is my writing so please review because you want to make me happy. And I am nicer when I am happy. I do not hurt people. So....enjoy*"I LOVE THE TITLE! I OBSESS OVER THE LLAMA SONG TOO!
omg No way!! another llama song enthusiast! I LURVE you !!!_
I LURVE YOU TOOO!!!!!! okay that sounds creepy. WATEV. So have you seen the spoofs of mr. llama song...TURTLE SONG!? HARRY SONG?
![Spazzy Maz Brit [the insane one] (cally215)](https://images.gr-assets.com/users/1298943660p1/4094585.jpg)
Hehe, your writing sounds like something I would do lol
lol my writing is an utter fail. I'm working on something right nao I hope won't be a fail...but you never know.HARRY SONG?! TURTLE SONG?! I MUST GO WATCH THEM
*SPAZZES* THERE'S A TURTLE SONG@!?!?!?@#rhpi @#rhfbLKE RGFLJAEH FIVs
Haha it's a spoof of the Llama song. It's sung REALLLLY SLLLOOOWWWLLLYYYY.
This topic has been frozen by the moderator. No new comments can be posted.
