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message 1: by Brigid ✩, No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. (new)

Brigid ✩ | 11973 comments Mod
RULES (as written by Kim):

So, someone writes the first or first two lines of one of their stories. The next person has to write a few good things about their hook, and a few things that could be better/they should work on. Then the person would rate the hook above them out of 5 points; so, for example, 4/5. After that, they'd put up one of their own hooks for critique and rating.


You are not allowed to post one of your own hooks without reviewing and rating the one above you!


Here's an example.

Person #1 writes: This is a hook from my story Bob.
Bob was very sad because his wife had just died.
Person #2 writes: Interesting hook. It leaves me with questions; I'm wondering how Bob's wife died. But also, it's not very exciting. It's not catchy or attention-grabbing, and I don't really know if I'd pick it up off the shelf from the hook. You should make it more exciting. I give it a 2.5 out of 5.
-------Here's my hook, from my story Gaspageness: The boy gasped as his mother told him the gaspagingness story.

And so on. Get it? :)


message 2: by [deleted user] (new)

Yay! Me first! Haha, I'm so mature.

Here's one from an extremely short story of mine called Longing:

A chilled wind sweeps past me, making the grass and leaves quake ever so slightly. The sound perfectly accentuates the morning stillness.

It is past six, and I still can't sleep.



message 3: by [deleted user] (new)

Ooh, I want to read on. Why can't she (or he) sleep? Why is she outside?

I am running.

It is pitch black, and my long black hair, so dark for a girl of my age, sticks to the back of my head, dampening my back. I dart past parked cars, a dark streak of blackness against the bright light of the street lamps.

My bare feet pound on the hard pavement, and in the distance, a lone clock strikes one. I'm late....



message 4: by Jordan, The Picture Magician (aka Probie) (last edited Aug 23, 2010 01:23PM) (new)

Jordan, The Picture Magician (aka Probie) (thepicturemagicianakaprobie) | 2218 comments Impressive. It makes me wondering why she's running, and what she's late for.


The bullet flashes through the dark, white-hot, and buries itself in the man's forehead. he drops like a stone, a dark hole between his eyes. A perfect kill shot.
"Shooter!" Someone yells. We all duck down, seeking cover behind the metal seats. Where is the shooter? More shots ring through the night. More good men fall.


Where is the shooter?



message 5: by [deleted user] (new)

It brings me into the action right away, which is good. It makes me wonder why there's a shooter going after them.

For the citizens of Nimbus, sunshine was a rare and exciting event.


message 6: by Brigid ✩, No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. (new)

Brigid ✩ | 11973 comments Mod
Love it! First of all, love the name Nimbus for a city/state/world/whatever it is. But it sounds awesome. It makes me wonder why sunshine is so rare and exciting. Simple and mysterious. :) I guess we're not rating them, just commenting on them? Eh, whatever. Here's mine ...

You can't kill someone with words.


message 7: by [deleted user] (new)

Are we still doing the ratings? If so, 5/5.

I just really like it. I already have a taste of the narrator's personality, and she or he has only said six words. Nice!

Umm, time to repeat all the hooks I posted in the last topic! This is from an old short story. No one on my LA class liked it because it was so deuce-ing long, but...

"Meg, please," I begged. "Don't do this to me today."


message 8: by Finley (new)

Finley Mac | 334 comments From the day I was born, I was considered a demon sent from the Spirits as a punishment for a horrible thing done years ago.


message 9: by Brigid ✩, No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. (new)

Brigid ✩ | 11973 comments Mod
((Refer to the rules, Sapphire :P ^^))


message 10: by Kriss (new)

Kriss (krisslee) | 5015 comments Mod
Maxy wrote: "Are we still doing the ratings? If so, 5/5.

I just really like it. I already have a taste of the narrator's personality, and she or he has only said six words. Nice!

Umm, time to repeat all t..."


[4/5:]

Not particularly original, but interesting enough. It makes we want to know what she's doing and why he doesn't want her to do it.

All the world was the putrid scent of ashes and cinders, floating down from the burning building like dying stars. They seared his face, bit bitterly into his flesh and seemed to mutter vicious promises of death. Lamb shifted through the falling debris, hearing the screams of his comrades rising about the fire's twisted laughter. "Grab what you can! Run with it! Take them down!" Someone was saying, whereas another voice shouted out in a ragged tone. "No survivors, men! No survivors today! We aren't taking any of those goddamn prisoners with us!"

Lamb wasn't confused, was not lost in the maze of a felled building like many would've been. He was not distracted by the screams. This was a raid; and he was taking it all down by storm.



message 11: by Isaac (new)

Isaac | 8014 comments *sigh* 5 bajillion/5

Let's see if I can actually scrap up something intersting. Can it be long?


message 12: by [deleted user] (new)

Yes. Post something! =]


message 13: by [deleted user] (new)

*waits*


message 14: by [deleted user] (new)

Well, since Emily isn't posting anything...

To Kriss:
5/5. Very good description. I feel like I'm there. And, the best part is, I'm wondering what the heck is going on.

Today should have been a really good day. I mean, it was raining and everything. How can I not have a good day when I wake up to "The Living Room" by Tegan & Sara? I mean, it's like my iPod was reading my mind.

Anyway, it was a pretty crappy day once Roscoe Tyler showed up.




message 15: by [deleted user] (new)

4.5/5

I like it, especially because of the rain. XD My only advice would be to make her sound a little less teenager-y--it's fine the way it is, but it could get irritating if she says "like" or "I mean" too much. YAY MIRANDA!

This is for something I wrote in the Musical Emotion Exercise. It's kind of clichéd, but I'm postig it anyway.

It's all the same.

Each needle and leaf, every branch and vine, seems identical. I can hardly distinguish one tree from the next. All of them have conspired against me to form a massive green cage.



message 16: by Kriss (last edited Sep 05, 2010 10:43PM) (new)

Kriss (krisslee) | 5015 comments Mod
[5/5]

I adore the description in it. It makes me curious as to why she's there and whether or not she's lost.

In the moonlight, the blood looked black.

It was everywhere, he thought. Melding with the shadows, slinking across the concrete sidewalk like tendrils of ink and darkness spreading over a blank canvas. When he glanced down at his hands, he saw it stained his palms and fingers brightly, tipping his pale skin with darker colors. It smeared along his forearms, stained the edges of his sleeves. He examined it with aghast—the stain was likely not to come out from the cuff of his jacket.



message 17: by [deleted user] (new)

4.9/5. I love it. I took a tenth of a point off for two reasons: you make me jealous, and, on a more serious note, I think you used the word "aghast" incorrectly. Aghast is an adjective. So if you said "He examined it, aghast", then it would be fine. =]


I've got nothing. Um, I'll make one up...

It's times like these where I'm especially glad that I don't resemble my family members. It makes it that much easier to hide and avoid embarrassment.


message 18: by Kriss (new)

Kriss (krisslee) | 5015 comments Mod
[4 out of 5]

It made me laugh; dunno where the story would go from there, though. It would have potential to be all kinds of interesting plots, though, I imagine. This is kind of a long hook, but whatever:

He was awake still, even at the unreasonable hour of the morning. Awake and waiting; Bree was away, but that meant very little. Smoke drifted towards the ceiling, captured in the current and driven towards the open and splaying window. White curtains drifted like phantomlike women, dressed in the palest of gowns. He watched indolently as wispy, fabricated clouds passed over a half-full moon. He remembered once asking Bree if they made it all the way around the world. She’s said, “Of course they do, baby.”

Lyrik didn’t care if they did or not, or at least not really. But he’d asked his science tutor that night with surprising vigor. The tutor had told him that no, or at least he didn’t think so. Lyrik remembered being angry, mad about being lied to by Bree. He trusted her; why did she lie to him so often? She still did, and such a thing unnerved Lyrik endlessly. He was no fool, a dreamer, but not a fool. Nor was he particularly naïve. He took another long drag of the cigarette, furious, blowing smoke painfully out his flaring nostrils.

It started then, the screams. They began low and steady, a timbre of moans just below his floorboards—floorboards and dirt. He knew there must be a basement down there, but try as he may, Lyrik had never found the opening. Not a hint or a indication of a doorway, a corridor that would lead there, a secret compartment. He’d spent the last five years of his life looking very keenly for just that. Not a sign… not a sign.



message 19: by [deleted user] (new)

Kriss wrote: "[4 out of 5]

It made me laugh; dunno where the story would go from there, though. It would have potential to be all kinds of interesting plots, though, I imagine. This is kind of a long hook, bu..."


5/5 WOW!

The storm clouds rolled across the night sky as I walked briskly through the back. I had to get away. From my family. I looked back at the burning building./


message 20: by Isaac (new)

Isaac | 8014 comments 3.5/5 It's interesting, but it needs a bit more description.

Fine, I'll post something. It'll stink.

He gave a sad smirk. "Apparently we don't love each other."

"That's a lie," I said suddenly.

"What's the truth, then?" he asked.

"I love you."

"But you can't."

"We're with each other."

A smile faltered on his face. "Sure, we are."

"You're breaking the rules, you know it."

He pursed his lips.

"Do you love me?" I asked again.

He sighed impatiently. "You just love to get me in trouble, don't you?"



message 21: by Kriss (new)

Kriss (krisslee) | 5015 comments Mod
[4 out of 5]

I like it alot. Your voice comes out fairly poetic, but I think the conversation would flow slightly smoother if there was a little more description betwixt the speach.

The first thing she realized about Kierlan Shadowscar was the fact he wasn't the type of boy whose heart you could break. He was the type of boy who'd leave you broken and stunned, trying to figure out where exactly on the highway you'd run head-on into a deadly collision. Yes. That was the perfect way to describe Kierlan. He wasn't going to slow down or stop for anyone, or anywhere, and was planning to keep on going down that highway at full speed until he got where he wanted to go. But the thing about that was fact no one knew where he was heading, not even himself, and so none of them could ever get out of his way in time before he hit them.


message 22: by Isaac (new)

Isaac | 8014 comments A four from Kriss? EEK!!!!!!!!

I have issues.

5/5 Good description

Can't post a hook, mom calling


message 23: by [deleted user] (new)

Fine...then I'll post one.

5/5

I liked it because you're very descriptive, but it's not an overly "fluffy" or "pretty" description (and it doesn't go on for five pages). Also, I want to keep reading because I'm kind of curious if Kierlan is going to be a love interest.

(From a pirate story I have discontinued. Note to the ninjas: Please don't mark me down just because it's about pirates. That wouldn't be very fair.)


Prologue (edit)
chapter 1 — updated Jan 10, 2010 — 2173 characters — 7 people liked this writing — 7 reviews
"We've caught him, Sir," the young officer announced excitedly to Admiral Rotham.

"And who, specifically, is 'he'?" the admiral replied.

"The pirate known as Captain Donovan Archer, Sir."

"And what of his ship and crew?"

"Sorry, Sir," the officer looked aplologetic. "He was without his ship or his crew. That's why we were able to apprehend him."

Admiral Rotham was mildly disappointed. Archer's ship, the Siren, was beautiful, even considering it was a pirate ship. Of course, it hadn't always been a pirate ship; it used to be the HMS Siren.

But the admiral was still quite pleased. One of the most fearsome pirates in the world was now held captive.

Admiral Rotham asked the young officer to accompany him to the dungeion where Archer was held.

"Good evening, Captain," Admiral Rotham greeted cooly.

"Ev'ning, Adm'ral," Archer grinned slyly. "Wondering why I was wand'rin 'round your lovely port all alone and without so much as a sword and a bottle o' rum?"

"Indeed."

"That first mate o' mine decided I was no longer fit to command me own ship," Archer explained simply. "She marooned me."

Rotham was surprised.

"You're first mate was a woman?" he said.

"Indeed she was," Archer confirmed. "Adelaide Melbourne is her name. Although I suppose she's calling herself Captain Melbourne now. Rotten wench."

"Why were you marooned?" Rotham pressed.

"I told you, Melbourne thought she'd make a better Captain."

Archer was lying, Rotham knew. And he had a hunch as to why, but he wasn't positive.

"Where is she headed?" Rotham finally dared to ask.

"Do you have any rum?" Archer suddenly blurted out.

"What?"

"Rum! Have you got any?"

"Answer my question first."

"No."

"Fine," the admiral growled, standing up from the little wooden stool he'd been sitting on. "You've got an appointment with the gallows tomorrow morning. It looks like you'll be able to make it after all." He stormed out of the dungeon, dragging the young officer (who'd waited patiently by the door) along with him.

Archer flopped onto his back and gazed up at the ceiling.

"Rotten wench," he scoffed.



message 24: by Karla (new)

Karla You're only supposed to write a hook. I'm not reading that whole thing.


message 25: by [deleted user] (new)

That is a hook, technically.


message 26: by Karla (new)

Karla Okay. But, the person who wrote the rules said only to put the first one or two lines. Sorry, but you can rate that one.


message 27: by [deleted user] (new)

Skitts:

4.5/5

I'm sad you discontinued that story. *sigh* But I can live with The Half-Blood for sure.

I would just recommend one thing: maybe try to rephrase the sentences like "Rotham was surprised" to something less obvious, like "Rotham raised an eyebrow". I hate using the show-don't-tell theory too much because it's so overused, buuut. Yeah. =]

This miiiiight be the first sentence for a story I... want to start...

I was fourteen when I discovered the true meaning of hatred.


message 28: by Karla (last edited Sep 13, 2010 03:25PM) (new)

Karla 5/5.

Wow! That's great. 'How cpuld he/she discover that at 14? How did the kid turn out after that? What happened?' That's great. You should definently do that story.

Okay so:

"Daddy!" I screamed as he fell. 'Where did the gun shot come from?'


message 29: by Isaac (new)

Isaac | 8014 comments 3.5/5 Interesting, but I want a little more description.

The water leapt playfully around the sides of the cliff. I shuddered as I remembered him and me here together, entwined in our loving arms. As a tear rolled down my face, I took a trembling step foward and fell.

*frowns* That sucked, I came up with it on the spot.


message 30: by Elliott (new)

Elliott | 22636 comments Mod
I LOVED THAT ONE!


message 31: by Isaac (new)

Isaac | 8014 comments Really?


message 32: by Karla (new)

Karla Me too.


message 33: by Isaac (new)

Isaac | 8014 comments Seriously?


message 34: by Elliott (new)

Elliott | 22636 comments Mod
Yeah, seriously. If that was the first sentence of a book, I would be sucked in.


message 35: by Karla (last edited Sep 19, 2010 01:07PM) (new)

Karla Seriously. Well, the falling part's a little random though.


message 36: by Elliott (new)

Elliott | 22636 comments Mod
How so? She was falling off the cliff.


message 37: by Karla (new)

Karla Oh, never mind. Lol.


message 38: by Tesni (new)

Tesni (ohmarcello) | 5031 comments Emily the Zepik wrote: "3.5/5 Interesting, but I want a little more description.

The water leapt playfully around the sides of the cliff. I shuddered as I remembered him and me here together, entwined in our loving ar..."


Whoah. Where can I find more of this story?
4/5 because "I remembered him and me here together, entwined in our loving arms" doesn't really make sense. It sounds like they're both holding an object, as opposed to each other.

When I was seven, I realised that something about the world was wrong. But nobody could tell me what it was.
When I was nine, war was declared. Hateful letters were pushed through our letterbox, and there were guards at the door.
When I was eleven, I learnt that the only way to stay alive was to do as I was told was to keep my head down and do whatever was asked of me through the hits and slaps and harmful words.
When I was thirteen, my brother was murdered.
When I was fifteen, the sky fell down.


I know how awful it is, but I'm still working on it.


message 39: by Karla (new)

Karla I loved it. :)


message 40: by Kriss (new)

Kriss (krisslee) | 5015 comments Mod
[3.5]

I suggest that you re-word it a little bit, for there are grammatical errors and whatnot and I think it could flow so much smoother. Other than that, its fine and seems like it could prove to be an interesting story.

“One day you’re going to tear the sky asunder, and never be able to put it back up once heavens felled around you like shattered glass.”

“I know.”

“One day you’re going to tear your heart asunder, and never be able to put it back together again once it’s frozen over like ice.”

“I know.”

“One day you’re going to tear the world asunder, and never be able to put it back together again once everything’s broken and everyone’s gone.”

“I know.”

“Then why do you keep doing these things to yourself?”

“Because—I like the prospect.”

“Of what?”

“Being torn asunder.”



message 41: by [deleted user] (new)

4.5/5. For starters, this definitely has me thinking, "What the deuce is going on here?!" That's good. *laughs* Two things: 1) there are a few typos, and 2) you use "but" kind of frequently. I do that as well; it takes some work not to do that. Hehe. Good work, though!

Does it get any better than this? you wonder. It all seems flawless—the sand beneath your bare feet, the water lapping at the shore and around your ankles. Golden flecks in the ocean catch the sunlight. Delighted screams of playing children fill the air. The pulsing of the waves is like a heartbeat, steady and strong. You can hear the sea foam hiss and bubble as water crashes on water. No, you answer yourself. Perhaps it doesn't.

((It makes more sense when I don't have to italicize it. Normally, the thoughts would be italicized and the rest would be normal.))


message 42: by Isaac (new)

Isaac | 8014 comments Tez♫ wrote: "Emily the Zepik wrote: "3.5/5 Interesting, but I want a little more description.

The water leapt playfully around the sides of the cliff. I shuddered as I remembered him and me here together, e..."


I actually made it up real quick.


message 43: by CheshRCat (last edited Oct 08, 2010 07:32PM) (new)

CheshRCat | 22 comments Maxy wrote: "4.5/5. For starters, this definitely has me thinking, "What the deuce is going on here?!" That's good. *laughs* Two things: 1) there are a few typos, and 2) you use "but" kind of frequently. I do ..."

I love it because it creates a great picture in the readers mind; it's very easy to picture oneself @ that beach. The only thing I'd say is, because it paints such a picture of perfection, it's not very hook-y per se, in the sense that there's no immediate problem introduced. Know what I mean? The writing's gorgeous though.

This is the opening sentence of a story I keep meaning to write and never do:

When an elephant seal suddenly and inexplicably materialized in the middle of the breakfast table, I just knew I was in for a rotten week.


message 44: by [deleted user] (last edited Oct 08, 2010 06:38PM) (new)

(You're supposed to rate the hook above you [post 42] before posting, but I'll rate yours anyway.)

4/5. It's funny and caught me off-guard, which is good. This is mainly a matter of opinion, but I think it would be more grabby if you took out "suddenly and inexplicably"--a shorter hook draws the reader in more.

Celine kept her eyes on the sidewalk. She couldn't bring herself to look up at him.


message 45: by CheshRCat (new)

CheshRCat | 22 comments Oops! Sorry! *edits post*


message 46: by Isaac (new)

Isaac | 8014 comments 3/5
I just wasn't real into it, but then the end (sorta') makes me want to read more.

Well....

This is a long hook. Sorry:

Moonlight poured down, but Claire was shaded under the roof of the gazebo. She gently tapped her fingers against the railing, as if the marble were her piano.

There were some footsteps, but Claire didn't turn around. "Hey," a concerned male voice said. Claire still looked out into the horizon.

"Claire, look at me." She reluctantly listened.

"Go away," she mummbled irritably.

"Maybe I don't want to." Riley stroked her hair.

Claire jerked away. "I said go away!" Fire blazed in her eyes.

"I just want to say... I'm sorry about what happened."

"Sorry?" she sneered. "Well, it was your fault."

"Woah, woah, now. How was it my fault?"

"You know what you are," Claire whispered painfully, closing her eyes tightly, facing the opposite direction of where Riley was.

Riley stayed silent. "It... it wasn't my fault."

Claire snapped her head around. "YES IT WAS!" she snapped. "SHELDON IS DEAD, AND IT'S YOUR FAULT!"

She quickly went to the other side of the gazebo. Her hands were up at her face, wiping the tears pouring out.

Riley followed slowly after her. He put a hand on her shuddering shoulder.

"Don't you ever listen?" she sobbed. "I told you to go away already."

Riley wrapped his arms around her and gave a large sigh.

"STOP BOTHERING ME!" Claire shrieked, trying to break free of his tightly-bound arms. She gave up and sobbed more freely.

"Claire, sweetheart...."

She wept with sincere and bitter tears. All she wanted was Sheldon, and for Riley to go away.

"Claire, just cry on my shoulder--"

"I HATE YOU! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?"

Riley stopped short and turned her around. Claire looked up for a milisecond. His eyes were hurt. Her heart fluttered and lept to her throat. Deep, dark, sensitive green eyes....

"I didn't want to be one," Riley whispered.

"Well you are, and that's that. And I wish you would just vanish," Claire said bitterly.

Riley sighed. "Well, if you just want me to vanish...."

He loosened his grip around her. "That's not what you told me in high school."

"I was... niave then," Claire muttered.

Riley gave a sad chuckle. "If that's what you want to call it...."

He turned away from her. "Wait," he said suddenly. He turned around and grabbed her face. "Before I vanish from the face of the Earth...."

A warm sensation flooded around Claire. The crickets played their soft symphony, the grass smelled sweet, and time stopped as Riley's lips were locked around hers.

She pulled herself closer, and opened her lips slightly. Riley accepted the offer.

Claire moved her hands down his back, but Riley jerked back suddenly. "Now, I'm off to disappear off the face of the Earth." Then he just walked away.

Claire tried to tell him to stop, but her throat was tight. She waved her hands frantically, but he never saw. "Sheldon," she whispered hoarsely before crumpling to the ground.



message 47: by [deleted user] (new)

3/5. It's interesting, but the wording is a little awkward and I think it launches into the conflict a little too fast.

This is for a short story idea I have.

It doesn't take much to terrify someone. I've known that for a long time.


message 48: by Kriss (new)

Kriss (krisslee) | 5015 comments Mod
[5/5]

I adore it. That's all there is to say. You should definitely write this story some time.


Anyhoo, I think this would be something like the first line for Are We Human, Or Are We Dancers?

Some people say killing is hard; but, like wearing in new boots, the more you do it, the easier and more fitting it becomes.


message 49: by [deleted user] (new)

Kriss, I've been having an emotional day, but seeing you say that made my heart smile. Thanks.

5/5 I love this as well. It's so creepy, but I tend to enjoy creepy things.... in writing, anyway.

I'm pretty much out of hooks, so I guess I'll make one up.

"Who in their right mind could have thought this would be a smart thing to do?" Ben called from the roof of his house.

"Thing is, it was Jack' idea," I told him; "and Jack doesn't exactly have a right mind."



message 50: by Clarence :P (new)

Clarence :P 5/5 I think it was inntriguing, and still humorous. =D

This is one from a story I thought up a few weeks ago...not very inspiring, but whatever.

The moon was falling from the sky, tracing a path of darkness as the sun opened its eyes on the horizon. The mountain peaks protruded into the streaks of pastel colors, and a bird occasionally flew past, it’s outline dark across the dusky sky.
I was not watching the beautiful sunrise. I was indoors. I can’t be outside during sunrise, sunset, holidays, the holy day, or harvest days.



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