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Random Queries > Are best friends bad for you?

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message 1: by RandomAnthony (new)

RandomAnthony | 14536 comments There's an article on the NY Times today about how some school officials are encouraging kids not to have "best friends" because of exclusivity issues or whatever.


You know, I can see the motivation behind some of this...e.g. be open to all sorts of kids and relationships, make sure no one is excluded because he/she doesn't have a "best" friend...but I also think kids can work most of this out themselves.

I had close friends, and a for a long time in college I was pretty much associated with who I would call my best friend Dan, and in high school a guy named Rich (still talk to Dan a lot, don't talk with Rich much), but I also had more friends than just them.

What do you think?

message 2: by Heidi (new)

Heidi (heidihooo) | 10825 comments I think that's dumb. DUMB, DUMB, DUMB.

message 3: by [deleted user] (new)

So you don't have an opinion Heidi?

message 4: by Dr. Detroit (last edited Jun 17, 2010 07:01AM) (new)

Dr. Detroit | 6030 comments What a crock. I had several best friends in high school - a contradiction in terms I know, so let's call them close friends - and we're all still close.

Look how I turned out. Talk about a set-up...

message 5: by Rebecca (new)

Rebecca White (rebecca_white) | 1028 comments Best (close) important,like every relationship that matters. This is how we learn both to be close and vulnerable to people and also realize that sometimes they hurt us and those hurts sometimes can be overcome but sometimes lead to a change or even an end. People,being people, are going to form attachments, and interfering in this way only assures those attachments will be less open and possibly a souce of shame, which seems like a really screwed up thing to do to kids.

Just count me as being one of those people who thinks the more people learn to love each other in particular, the more it's going to spread and spill over.

Reminds me of what I used to hear about religious cults, that one of the characteristics is that they try to keep people from developing personal bonds and keep them focused on the group.

Books Ring Mah Bell When i was a kid, after school I'd go to a lady's home for day care until my mom was done with work.

One day there i mentioned something about my best friend at school, and she told me, "You don't need best friends, Jesus is your best friend."

i shit you not.

I think this end to bff's is DUMB.
There are certain people you gel with. That does not give you license to treat everyone else like a pile of dung.

I do agree that one kid can rely too heavily on another, and perhaps that's not a good thing, but... damn.

message 7: by Jaime (new)

Jaime | 158 comments I think that is pretty stupid. Growing up I have always had a pretty big group of friends...and still do. However, everyone will always have one or two friends that they will always go to for advice or to share something with. Some one that they call their best friend.

message 8: by Gus (new)

Gus Sanchez (gussanchez) Best friends are always good for you because if they're your best friends, they'll be there for you through thick and thin. Not-so-best friends will dump you at the first sign of trouble.

The Times has 2 really stupid articles today; this one, and the David Brooks/Gail Collins conversation about the World Cup which just seemed so ridiculously contrived.

message 9: by Kevin (new)

Kevin  (ksprink) | 11469 comments all i know is that i love books ring my bell's profile pic. that makes me smile too

Jackie "the Librarian" | 8993 comments Gee, you shouldn't have a best friend because they might not always be there? And you might be upset? Huh. That never happens anywhere else in life, does it?
God forbid we care and love about others, in case it doesn't work out...

:::rolls eyes:::

message 11: by Kevin (new)

Kevin  (ksprink) | 11469 comments i have many good friends and lots of acquaintances but i really have never had a real best friend. sometimes i think i would love to have one especially when i see people who are really close but other times i am glad i can back off on relationships when i want to. that may be selfish but it also may be healthy. i love when i see older people who have a best friend to be with

message 12: by Dr. Detroit (new)

Dr. Detroit | 6030 comments BunWat wrote: "Good lord. Are we going to start breathing for kids too? Because, you know, they might not be doing it right."

We're raising a generation of bubble babies, my own three included. I call my wife a "helicopter mom" because she hovers over them 24-7. God forbid we do anything to harm their self esteem. Sooner or later, they're going to have to take a few lumps. I say sooner.

Case in point. My nine-year-old daughters are currently in their fifth year of organized baseball. They began in t-ball, then went up to coach-pitch, and now they're in a girls-only softball league. But it's still coach-pitch and they STILL DON'T KEEP SCORE!!!!! Each team bats 10 players per inning which may teach them how to run the bases, but it sure as hell doesn't teach them to compete. I'm one of the coaches and I handle the pitching and I quite frequently get dirty looks from other parents when I tell the kids to swing the bat hard, i.e., from the toes. The capper is the parents take turns bringing the little princesses juice boxes and snacks for after the game.

At their age, our little league was a haven for trash-talking, spikes-flashing, winning-isn't-everything-it's-the-only-thing pre-pubes who may not have won the game but they won the fight AFTER the game. Post-game snacks? We would've sooner turned in our boy cards.

message 13: by RandomAnthony (new)

RandomAnthony | 14536 comments The post-game snack thing bugs the fuck out of me, too, Clark. I usually want to get the hell out of there but no, everyone line up for juice boxes...can't we just eat at home? Plus, the snacks are often shitty, like, cookies or whatever. Bleh.

My ten year old keeps score on his own, despite attempts from the coaches to avoid mentioning the score. Math rules!

message 14: by Dr. Detroit (new)

Dr. Detroit | 6030 comments RandomAnthony wrote: "My ten year old keeps score on his own, despite attempts from the coaches to avoid mentioning the score. Math rules!"

Then you've done something right, Dad. I'm an idiot, but I still HATE to lose, even in this Catholic beer league I'm in.

This whole "Who won? We all did!" warm-and-fuzzy mentality sticks in my craw.

message 15: by Dr. Detroit (new)

Dr. Detroit | 6030 comments Barb (Lady of the Glass Box) wrote: "I think "zero tolerance" rules at schools are an over reaction. Yes, bullying can be a problem when it elevates to real and serious violence ... but your kids have to learn to deal with ass-holes eventually - don't pretend they don't exist."

I realized I just morphed into my Dad here, but we were always able to sort out the bullying back in the Dark Ages and everyone came through alright. This kid Bob Feistel was a major bully in junior high and high school, but none of us were able to take him on mano a mano so three or four of us picked our spot, ganged up on him in gym class, and kicked his sorry ass. Problem solved.

Caught with a little bit of pot? The assistant principal would force you to dump it out and send you home for the remainder of the day, then the old man would dispense his own justice at home. Complete expulsion was never an option.

message 16: by Gus (new)

Gus Sanchez (gussanchez) I'm with you, Clark. My daughter deals with a bullying 3-year-old at the daycare. He's a big kid, but Sophia's pretty tall for her age. This kid gave Sophia shit once. Once. When he least expected it, she sucker-punched him in the back of the head. He hasn't picked on her since.

Plus, the daycare director lives 2 blocks from us. She would have been mandated to call us and send Sophia home, but she knew this kid had it coming, so she left it at that.

Sometimes, the bullies need to get their shit handed to them hard. If the principal won't do it, that bully's gonna have to choose one of 3 things: either Sophia kicks his ass, I kick his ass, or Jaime kicks his ass. Any of those 3 options will result in tears.

And, yes, I'll beat the fuck of the bully's parents if I have to. Because I'll be fucking damned if my kid goes to a school where she's not protected by the administration against bullying. I'll fuck up that kid, his/her parents, and I'll burn the fucking school down.

No, I'm not kidding.

When I grew up, schools knew bullies existed, and the way they handled it was to give that bully a few punches in, and let anyone brave enough to take him/her on get their swings. That's how I got a bully to quit fucking with me. Then the principal would call the parents; big mistake with my mom, because she'd threaten to kill anyone within a 20-mile radius. As such, the bullying stopped.

Principals these days want to appease or pretend bullying doesn't exist. One reason why we're sending our daughter to a private school is that school has a zero-tolerance policy regarding bullying; they've explained their contingency plans, and will not hesitate to expel students caught or exhibiting bullying behaviour. And, no, they will not refund their tuition.

So, yeah, I'm going to act like my mom did: fuck with my kid, you get fucked back 1000-fold.

message 17: by Kevin (new)

Kevin  (ksprink) | 11469 comments here is my bully story. a bit long so you don't have to read if you don't want

in high school i was a bully. mostly verbally and that is probably worse. anyway, fast forward about 20 yrs and i am in a gym working out. a guy, who is with a very attractive girl, walks up to me and says "do you know who i am?" and i look at him and go "nope. should i?" he says "maybe this will help you. remember in high school you calling a boy names and embarrassing him and knocking his books out of his hands?" i had done this to lots of dudes but it clicked. i looked at him and said "phil griggs." he was getting worked up now and began talking really loudly while this girl just looked at me with disgust. i felt like a real horses arse. he was practically yelling now and everyone was watching/listening. "do you know how it feels to have people laugh at you? to have people make up nicknames about you? to be afraid to come to school each day?" i am remembering our school days and it did not seem that harsh or out of line to me. then i realized that sure, to me it wasn't. i was dishing it out and then i could go on with my day. he had to live with it. he kept going and i really didn't hear all of it. i was thinking back to the skinny scared phil griggs in school and how awful that must have been. i snapped back to reality when he shouted "how do you feel about that NOW?" i looked him in the eyes and said "i'm sorry phil." he goes "what?" and i said "i'm sorry. i was wrong. there is a song that says i am sorry i pushed you down, i thought that if i made you smaller i would grow taller but i was wrong. that's how i feel now. i am sorry and am asking you to forgive me. i am not like that now." he looked at me with teary eyes and said "twenty years later you are sorry?" i said "yup. sorry phil." he stuck his hand out and we shook. we spoke about life and what he had been up to (he had a tough go in life) and i asked him if he still sang (i remembered he was in choir). he said not much but i invited him to a church choir program we were having the next night and he came and we have been friends since.

that story has been a great example to my kids of they need to be kind and nice as the hurt lasts and lasts for the offended. they have learned and have taken many a skinny, scared bird under their wings. i am def not proud of this at all but i am glad i made it right and my kids have learned from it

Jackie "the Librarian" | 8993 comments Poor guy. I'm proud of you, Kevin, for being able to apologize like that, and not be dismissive.

message 19: by ms.petra (new)

ms.petra (mspetra) Kevin "El Liso Grande" wrote: "here is my bully story. a bit long so you don't have to read if you don't want

in high school i was a bully. mostly verbally and that is probably worse. anyway, fast forward about 20 yrs and i am ..."

Kevin do you have a brother?! That is an amazing story. Thanks for sharing. I think our kids learn way more by our actions than our words.

message 20: by Dr. Detroit (new)

Dr. Detroit | 6030 comments Gus wrote: "I'm with you, Clark. My daughter deals with a bullying 3-year-old at the daycare. He's a big kid, but Sophia's pretty tall for her age. This kid gave Sophia shit once. Once. When he least expected ..."

Bravo Sophia! And Gus. I tell my kids to turn the other cheek until it gets unbearable, then don't be afraid to open up a can of whoop-ass. I'll back 'em up.

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