Dear (fill-in-the-blank): an expert advice thread.

[Jonathan]

Barb wrote: "FYI - the key to feeling better about yourself isn't in trying to force yourself into the mould of the majority. It's about finding what it is that you like about yourself and highlighting your true assests. If you rise above shallowness, you'll be better able to let go of the insecurities and enjoy being yourself. ..."

Those are some very wise words.

[ms.petra]

Barb, I wish someone had told me that when I was young. It took me a long time to figure it out...

[Donitello]

Start out very conservative. A little mascara (soft black if you're brunette, brown if you're lighter) and lipstick. If you have thin lips, use a lighter color with slightly darker lip liner. If you have big fat lips, I hate your guts.

Everybody stay off my grill about the foregoing. Makeup, YEAAAAAHHH!!!!!!

[ms.petra]

I like lipgloss better than lipstick Britt. My daughter is just about your age and I don't think she or any of her friends wear lipstick. They all wear gloss. A little bit of makeup can give a lot of confidence. :)

[Lori]

I used to wear make up when I was in my late 20s and early 30s, but very light. Mascara, lip gloss, and a dash of cheek color which by the way goes right below your cheekbone. I'm excellent at make up because I used to be in theater.

What in your opinion are your best features? That's what you will feel good about bringing out. And what color is your complexion?

[Phil]

From a male perspective, please don't overdo the eyeshadow and take it easy on the pancake makeup (cover up).

People should notice YOU when they see you, not your makeup.

As Jim (is it Jim?) would say, that is all.

[Brittomart]

Thanks for the advice, Barb and ms.petra. I've always struggled with my self-esteem and body image, and I don't think I've ever liked the way I look. I've always been the smart one, the funny one, the nice one, but I don't take care of myself because I don't like myself very much. And a lot of things have contributed to that. Boys, in particular. Boys, yes, mainly boys did it haha.

And so I've assessed a lot of things, and I've thought about how this semester I'm gonna take advantage of our lovely gym complex (well, people tell me it's lovely. When I walk in there, I get depressed because everyone looks so sad to be working out). I'm gonna get out of my room more, and I'm gonna try to like me a little bit.

I've always thought that I was the ugliest girl in the world because I've never had a boyfriend. And I've tried everything in the book to get one, and I've asked tons of boys out, but they always say no. Every last one of them. And that hurts because I don't know what they want from me. I'm smart, I am always always making someone laugh, I'm nice, but boys don't care because they look at my outside, and they categorize me. I use that as an excuse when I think about reasons why I shouldn't pay attention to my appearance, why I shouldn't lose weight. The rationalization always starts off as "boys are shallow, they don't want me because I'm fat. I'm not going to stoop to that level" and then it's "If I lose weight, even though it will really help me out because I am morbidly obese, and I've had doctors talk to me about this, it's letting everyone who's made me feel bad about myself, it's letting them win." And then it boils down to "If no one else loves me, then why should I love me?"

And it's really silly, but it took a show about drag queens to make me want to start loving myself. The show is RuPaul's Drag Race, and those bitches are fierce. At the end of each show, RuPaul says, "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love someone else?" And I've been thinking about that a lot because if I don't want me, then why should I expect someone else to want me?

And so I'm going to start doing a lot of things differently, and I'm ready to change. Because I have to want to change for myself, so fuck boys. I'm finally going to do this for me, and I don't care what they think. They already don't like me, so what do I have to lose?

Haha, and I really didn't mean to spend twenty minutes crying and writing that. Sorry for the length.

To answer your questions, Lori: I don't know about my "good" features. I have nice and thick eyelashes, and I do like my eyes. My complexion? I'm African-American, so kinda....caramelish? I'm not light-skinned, I'm not dark-skinned, I'm in the middle.

[Lori]

Ah, then definitely mascara to bring out your lashes and eyes. And since you're black, I bet you can get away with black liner pencil on your lower inside lids, like kohl. Tres magnifique!

RuPaul is just great, his quote is right on. The thing to do is have fun with yourself. Sweats are great, I wear them all the time, but if I was ALWAYS in them, I know it would be from depression. Have fun with clothes, especially colors.

If you don't like the gym (and I hates them) can you do outside activities, like walking, biking. That's what I do. And being outdoors changes my perceptions from being wrapped up in the hamsters running through around and around my brain loops.

[[deleted user]]

Heidi wrote: "I'd feel comfortable giving self defense advice"

Do you know Krav Maga?

[Jackie "the Librarian"]

Britt, I hate gyms, too. Getting outside and taking walks is much better for my mood, especially when I have my iPod cranked to keep me company.

Makeup should be fun, not a chore. And yes, not too much, just a touch is what you want. It's about YOU, not the eyeshadow. :)

[Sarah]

Britt, it sounds like you're trying to make a really positive change. GOod luck with that!
I'm a pretty goofy looking person. I've had acne my whole life, my hair frizzes like I stuck my finger in a socket, and I was an awkward mess in high school. Right at the beginning of college I realized none of that mattered. I could be anyone I wanted to be, and mostly that was me. Just a more self-confident me. You know how you can smile and sometimes just the act of moving your mouth in that direction cheers you up a little?
I think it's all tied together. If you feel better about yourself, you can feel better about treating yourself well, whether that's through exercise or food or dressing better or just getting into the mindset that you deserve the best of what the world has to offer. That mindset really does help, even if it sounds cheesy.

[RandomAnthony]

Phil wrote: "From a male perspective, please don't overdo the eyeshadow and take it easy on the pancake makeup (cover up).


I agree completely.

I like mixing up between the gym and outdoors...

[ms.petra]

wow Britt..reading your posts is like reading a diary from college. It took me a while to figure things out...you are way ahead of where I was at your age. And believe it or not it is always a struggle no matter your age or your appearance for some of us. I have taken the last year to get to know myself. Don't worry about boys because that always comes when you least expect it. Do things that you enjoy and that make you happy and everything kind of falls into place. The trick is allowing yourself to be happy. Do it for you and not for some guy! I just want to give you a big hug right now.. ::HUGS::

[Brittomart]

Awwwww, HUGS!!!!!! I feel like I'm a part of one big cyber family haha. Thanks for all of the advice, everyone.

[Heidi]

Make up - I KNOW this stuff!!!

:)
Britt, I'd suggest you start off by looking around for a brand you like and maybe scheduling a "makeover" at their cosmetics stand. You're in NC, I see... is there a Sephora near where you live?

I'm a huge fan of Bare Escentuals make up - you can buy a starter kit... and it comes with a how-to dvd/instructions. What I love the most about it... just need light application of it for it to make a difference in your appearance. And it doesn't FEEL like you're wearing make up.

I have very sensitive skin. So I'm picky about what I'll use.

My make up ritual -

- light moisturizer in the evening before bed

- medium powder applied with corrections brush to eyes and nose area (I have redness around nose and dark circles around eyes - hereditary)- just enough powder to be about the size of your pinky nail is about all you need

- light brushing of medium powder all over my face with the kabuki brush (the kabuki brush will give a heavier application - good for applying allover make up coverage)

- light, super light application of bronzer across the bridge of the nose, the cheekbones, and the forehead - gives a healthy glow - use regular or blush brush for this - will give a lighter application - brush forward and blend

- follow with super light application of finishing powder using kabuki brush

- if you want some light glow to your cheeks... you can follow up with a wee bit of blush (I prefer Bobbi Brown's blush - her line of colors all look natural)

- THEN... eyeshadow - always good to stick with a neutral color.

- eyeliner (I prefer brush powder/shadow liner... looks more organic when applied)

- lipstick - stick with a light neutral color (Clinique's Shea Butter line has some great neutral colors and lip conditioners that are fabulous)... bright colors on the lips are sooo out. A pale pink... or a light peachy bronze. If you want color on your lips... dot and stain your lips with the dark color instead of spreading it across your lips.

A tip - if you'd like it to appear that you have fuller lips - find a pale eyeshadow - a pale yellow or gold works best, apply across the middle of your bottom lip and at the two heart-points on your upper lip and rub your lips together.

- a clear or pale gloss is always good as a finishing touch - don't go too heavy on the gloss, light and easy - LOOOVE Bare Escentuals' Buxom Lips,
Jessica (a pale peachy pink - good neutral color that looks good with everything) - all the colors are women's names

- mascara can be tricky - the key to good mascara application is patience and focus - upper lashes first - outside of lashes - one coat, maybe two... then lower lash... then inside of upper lash and again on the outside as a finishing coat. It's best to avoid waterproof mascara if at all possible for longterm wear (like all day) - they're very hard on the eyes. Save the waterproof stuff for an evening out, if you use it at all.

TOTAL time to apply all makeup - 3 minutes (I've timed myself)

- most important - at the end of the day - wash your face clean of make up!!! Your skin can be a wonderful asset. A light soap will do the trick. I use Dove for Sensitive Skin... and my skin's in excellent condition. On most days I just wear a light bit of moisturizer and will touch my face up with just the brushes

- One more thing - take good care of your eyes!!! Pamper them. They can do alot to keep you looking young. But that skin is so thin around your eyes that it needs the extra conditioning and pampering.

[Heidi]

Clark wrote: "Heidi wrote: "I'd feel comfortable giving self defense advice"

Do you know Krav Maga?"

Nope, just TKD, jiu jutsu, aikido, escrema sticks, long and short bow, gun defense, knife defense, pressure points, certified as a safety instructor... I taught martial arts for 10 years. :)

[Phil]

Heidi wrote: "I'm a huge fan of Bare Escentuals make up - you can buy a starter kit... and it comes with a how-to dvd/instructions."

My wife is probably Bare Escentuals' best customer. She swears by it. I like it too, because she applies it in a way that makes it look like she isn't wearing makeup.

It can get expensive, so check e-Bay. That's where she buys most of hers (though occasionally she'll stop by their mall store).

[Donitello]

Dang, Heidi, you're good!!

Hey Britt, the comments so many women here have made about positive self image, plus your epiphany with Ru Paul, reminded me of how important it is to have lots FUN with all this stuff. ("This stuff" meaning appearance and guys.)

Appearance: The way I learned about makeup, slinky dresses, et al was through performing in gay clubs. Like many female comics, I used to favor the unstructured look -- blazer, jeans, sneakers. Back in the dressing room I was like a grease spot on the wall next to all these glitzy, spangled, painted queens who were having a SCREAMING good time getting dressed, dressing each other, posing, critiquing.... Finally I thought, "Hey, I can do that -- I'm an actual woman." I never looked back. I've had a tremendous amount of fun in my life just from giving myself permission to play dress-up. I go without makeup when I feel like it, and vamp the hell up when I feel like that. It's not a political issue, as I used to think. It's just about enjoying yourself.

Guys: I was in an all-woman vocal group called The Dinettes, and the two best singers (and funniest performers) were quite fat gals. One had quite a bit of trouble allowing her inner Barbie out -- always wore jeans and T-shirts offstage, mostly hung out with gay men (and kept expressing delight at having real girlfriends for a change), and seldom had romances, at least ones that worked. We're still very close, and she's gotten more girlie than when I first knew her, although she still hasn't been snapped up yet, which is insane because she's an incredible gal.

The other woman wore these brightly colored tunic tops with capris and ballerina slippers, had the nails, the big jewellery, heaps-O-hair, eyeliner, lipliner, etc. She just seemed to feel gorgeous -- and she was. There was ALWAYS some man who was nuts about her, and she really had her share of fun. We got back in touch via Facebook, and I wasn't surprised to learn she's all married up.

I wonder sometimes if the Latina thing hasn't played a role for the second woman. I long ago noticed that my Mexican, Cuban, PR (and also Italian) friends tend to be more comfortable with the differences between men and women than my Anglo friends and I. I remember telling a friend from Rome that after 2 weeks in Italy I started thinking I might be seriously hot stuff, just because of the way Italian men stared appreciatively whenever I walked by. I said I wasn't used to it. She responded, "Yes. Walking down the street in America is a very neutral experience." Ha!! Anyway, that was the first time I began to realize how much enjoyment I was missing by making the game of love too value-laden. Then I read Self Made Man, which was a real eye-opener for me. To save time, I'll just give you my review of it:

http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/...

I look back on my onetime "issues" around prettiness-and-selfhood and think, gads what a twit I was. Learn from me, Grasshopper. Learn and then fly, fly, FLY....

Yours truly,

Doni

[Mary]

Britt, I love make-up and after trying everything from drug store brands to Chanel, I have to say that Bare Escentuals ROCKS. It's barely there yet covers flaws beautifully--I call it the Magic Eraser. Invest in the starter kit, you will love it. Be warned, though--you have to explicitly say that you are NOT interested in enrolling in the club, otherwise they will keep sending it to you and charging for it. If you love it you can always enroll later. Good luck!

[Brittomart]

What is Sephora?

[Heidi]

BunWat wrote: "Sephora is a chain of cosmetics stores. They sell makeup, brushes and tools, perfume, etc. They generally have an excellent selection, they carry the good quality brands, and they usually have a w..."

Thanks, Bun! That's where I get all my makeup, too.

The website for Sephora is here. You can check the site to see if there's a Sephora near you. If you order online, you get free samples... and free samples ALWAYS rock. :) You even get to pick them out.

[Heidi]

BunWat wrote: "Sephora is a chain of cosmetics stores. They sell makeup, brushes and tools, perfume, etc. They generally have an excellent selection, they carry the good quality brands, and they usually have a w..."

Thanks, Bun! That's where I get all my makeup, too.

The website for Sephora is here. You can check the site to see if there's a Sephora near you. If you order online, you get free samples... and free samples ALWAYS rock. :) You even get to pick them out.

And like I said, they'll do a free makeover for you (in Sephora... or your nearest department store) if you have the time to sit and let someone do it - ask questions... get tips for makeup application.

[[deleted user]]

Heidi wrote: "Clark wrote: "Heidi wrote: "I'd feel comfortable giving self defense advice"

Do you know Krav Maga?"

Nope, just TKD, jiu jutsu, aikido, escrema sticks, long and short bow, gun defense, knife defe..."

WOW!!! Good for you, Heidi!

[Donitello]

Oh yeah -- a great book on all this: Sex Tips for Girls. FUNNNNNN.

[Heidi]

BunWat wrote: "Oh, while we're sharing, I clean my face with DHC because my skin is very reactive and fussy about weird additives. DHC started out in Japan and apparently Japanese women tend to have reactive skin..."


Ohhh... I may have to try that out. Thanks for the tip, Bun!!!

[Brittomart]

Women who are currently or have taken birth control:

Last year, my doctor prescribed birth control for me, but my mom hid the sample pills, saying "I don't want to give you a free ride." Meaning, she thought I was going to go off to college and have loads of crazy sex and participate in tons of orgies simply because I am away from home.

But since none of that happened, and I told her how difficult my periods were at school, birth control is alright with her. So, I got another prescription for Ovcon, which my doctor said is pretty good, and I've read good things about it.

Except my insurance only covers Balziva, and I've read nothing but terrible things about it, including extra long periods, no sex drive, weight gain, depression. Those are the top four common complaints.

So now I am afraid to take it. I am gonna try it this last month before I go to school to see how it affects me, but I don't think my insurance will cover anything else. So is anyone taking Balziva?

[Donitello]

I strongly urge every woman to look closely at the diaphram. Completely safe and highly effective. It's worked beautifully for me for years.

[Donitello]

A kiss on the hand may be quite continental
But diaphrams are a girl's best friend
A kiss may be grand, but it leads to that moment of uncertainty
That could end in maternity
IUDs cause womb disease
And the pill, it can kill in the end
Put fun in your lovin', not buns in your oven
Diaphrams are a girl's best friend
(Use them with condoms)
Diaphrams are a girl's best friend

[Donitello]

No one enjoyed my song. Oh, my.

[RandomAnthony]

As a male, I believe I was unfit for commentary:)

[Donitello]

Thank you, Barb. A girl puts her heart and soul into a thing, you know how it is, it's nice to get a cuddle....

RA, I always like your comments. If you wish, you can be an honorary female in my secret club (which at this point would have just you and me as members), and then you can say anything you want at any time.

[Sarah]

A kiss on the hand may be so long in coming
power tools are a girl's best friend
A kiss may be grand but it won't fix the plumbing
power tools are a girl's best friend

--Ann Reed

[Donitello]

:D

Nice.

[[deleted user]]

The picture has to be on the internet, and then copy the address to replace the in the line below.

[image error]

[Sarah]

New TV. If I plug the Wii S video cable into the S video input, it works fine. If I plug in the PS2 it is black & white and grainy. Any suggestions? The PS2 doubles as my DVD player also, so I want it to work ASAP.

[Sarah]

Thanks, Barb! I'll try that.
If that works, it'll make things way easier anyway since I won't have to unplug one to put the other in.

[Lobstergirl, el principe]

ApartmentTherapy says it's time to replace your dishwasher when

The water won't get hot.
Your dishwasher has a heating coil (or an electric heater) that gets your tap water super-hot to sanitize dishes. When your dish loads start to come out feeling anything other than warm and steamy, you might need to look into replacing the heating mechanism—but it can sometimes be much cheaper just to get a new machine.

Do the experts agree?

[janine]

but you do agree that the water you wash the dishes in should be hot, right? though not so hot it burns your hands, but that's what gloves are for.

[ms.petra]

me too Barb. It takes too long to fill the dishwasher in my house and I actually like washing dishes.

[Sarah]

You LIKE washing dishes???

[Sarah]

Have we ever considered giving each other the Turing test? I've never met a human who liked washing dishes.

[Pat]

Sarah Pi wrote: "Have we ever considered giving each other the Turing test? I've never met a human who liked washing dishes."

I like washing dishes. Our house has a dishwasher, put in by the prior owners. We have never used it. I have been meaning to yank it out and replace it with a wine frig.

[Lobstergirl, el principe]

I hate washing dishes but I do because my dishwasher doesn't get the job done. I've pretty much stopped using it.

[Stacia (the 2010 club)]

Pat wrote: "Sarah Pi wrote: "Have we ever considered giving each other the Turing test? I've never met a human who liked washing dishes."

I like washing dishes. Our house has a dishwasher, put in by the prio..."

If you think you'll move at some point (if not then this is moot), I'd keep it for resale value. My mom doesn't use hers for washing...she stores big pots and pans in it that don't fit in other cabinets.

[Lobstergirl, el principe]

I remember a woman sports reporter for one of the networks in the 90s admitting that she never cooked so she stored sweaters in her oven.

[Lori]

I hate dishes so much either by hand or dishwater. And that includes putting them away.

Like Sisyphus. I do them, and a few hours later it's a mess again. Drudgery.

What is a Turing test? I learned about Turing from [B:Cryptomonicon]

[[deleted user]]

Bun, I found a very useful function for children. If you can put up with the grumbling they are very handy for packing & unpacking dishwashers. At any given time I am willing to spare one of mine. It depends on their behaviour on the day, as to which one I am willing to lend you.

[Jim]

Are you talking music or motorcycles?

[Sarah]

I like that the Yamaha method uses solfege and emphasizes ear training first. My only concern with the Yamaha method is that I think it utilizes a fixed Do. So "Do-Re-Mi" is always C-D-E, since Do is always C in that system.
But do-re-mi-fa-sol-la-ti-do is actually just a relationship between notes that forms a major scale, and learning them as specific notes may confuse more advanced future lessons.
I wonder if a system that in the end will only teach five keys isn't a strange one.
But it is popular and successful, and it looks like it emphasizes the fun side of music, which is good.

[Jammies]

Dear TCers,

If you knew that an author you admired was associated with a business whose proprietor was engaging in shady practices, would you say something to said author, or just hush up and move on?