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A Day in the Life > Am I over reacting?

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Servius  Heiner  | 1980 comments Mod
This morning a guy hit on me. There was no mistake about it this wasn’t a guy checking to see if I was interested this was a flat out “flirt with hopes of a squirt”. Now I am not the kind of guy that will run to HR and Demand the guy’s ass (pun intended). So when it occurred to me what his intentions where I was sure to place my left hand on the desk, properly putting my wedding ring on display. I saw him eye ball it. But the conversation continued flipping between work and his flirting. Long story short I had to tell him flat out in plane male talk that if this conversation didn’t stay professional we were going to have problems. At which he immediately pulled a whipped dog expression gave me the report he was there to deliver and left. Ok so it sunk in and I don’t think it will happen again. The problem I am having with this, is this guy kinda works for me, I see him all the time, and I set his inspection schedule, he reports to me. Are we all seeing the problem/potential problem here?

So after he is out of my office I call my wife to tell her about all this. After I tell her the whole story she bursts out laughing and decides she wants to have the dude over for dinner &%!#@%!WTF? We are talking about a woman, which will not let me be alone with female friends. So how is this any different? I don’t think I have a single female friend that wants to jump my bones, but it is ok for Dirk Diggler here to make his intentions of kneading my testies clear. So she wants him over for dinner?

I have known this guy for about 9 mo and we have always got on alright, he does good work and he’s pretty funny. (When he is not eye fucking me!) I really don’t want to get him in trouble; I know that would be his job. Also I don’t want to out him. He would get eaten alive around here. But at the same time if I don’t report this it could bite me in the ass if he decides to scream discrimination or something.

My last complaint, (I really want to ask him this by the way) what in the hell told him I was gay? I am just about the most un-gay guy in the world. (In my world) I honestly don’t know what it is that lead him to think I was gay. I am pretty sure he knew I was married before today’s little spat.




message 2: by Amanda (new)

Amanda (randymandy) Definitely do NOT have him over for dinner.


message 3: by Amanda (new)

Amanda (randymandy) I'm thinking on the rest...


message 4: by Meels (last edited May 30, 2008 07:50PM) (new)

Meels (amelia) Nick, it could be lots of things, not any comment on your masculinity really. His gaydar may be broken...it happens from time to time. Maybe he goes for the "butch" type and he was just hoping for a stab in the dark (pun intended). Maybe he thought he was good enough to turn you. Married means nothing by the way. There's some whole trend of married guys who like to pitch, cause "you're only gay if you catch"...

I think I would have reacted the same way as your wife (wetting myself with laughter). We girls aren't going to find a gay guy as a threat, unless we have a doubt that you might go there. Your wife is obviously quite secure enough in your masculinity to want a look at this guy who was willing to give you a shot (another pun intended...I can hardly help myself here!).

As far as covering your ass (uh, there we go again! Ha!), is there one co-worker that you can trust? If it came down to it, he would have no proof of any impropriety, only his word against yours. If you had someone willing to back you up, that would tip the scales, without outing him if he doesn't shout SH. Otherwise, do you have to go so far as HR? Can't you just go to your direct superior and say, "Hey, just to let you know, a co-worker hit on me. I made it plain that I was not interested...but, just so you are aware of the situation. I'm not really even interested in telling you names, I'm not looking to get anyone in trouble here. I don't feel 'harrassed', but if it happens again we're going to have a problem." At my old job, that's what I would have done. I wouldn't have gone running to HR (everyone hates HR), I would have just sat down in Jenny's office and gave her the low down on the situation. Of course, now I am the only employee, office manager, HR, Accounting, Reception etc...:)


message 5: by RandomAnthony (new)

RandomAnthony I've been hit on by guys, too. I don't know. It doesn't bother me. They tend to look more embarassed than anything when they find out I'm not gay.

Give it a couple days and see how you feel. You're still pretty close to the situation. Does that make sense?


message 6: by B. (new)

B. (briant) | 99 comments Be flattered, don't report it(that would be gay) and get over it. There is no special type that gay men hit on, any more than there is some special type women hit on. The dude thinks you are hot. Now he knows you play for the other team. I doubt he will return for more rejection. I have had many guys hit on me...usually jock types who respond to any male who will let them talk about feelings, interests other than sports or work, and their inner artist. As a slim, muscular, artistic type, I tend to attract these latent types a lot. It's cool, I'm quite secure in my orientation, so I don't get too worked up about it. Let this guy know you are still cool with him, just not into him, and things will be just fine.


message 7: by Varmint (new)

Varmint he can take your wife to the sex and the city movie.


message 8: by Sally (last edited May 30, 2008 09:20PM) (new)

Sally (mrsnolte) I say be flattered and move on. He's not going to pursue anything and is probably embarrassed too. In a few days it will (or should be) water under the bridge.

You don't go into specifics on the conversation, but if you were truly uncomfortable by whatever he said, best thing to do is to let someone else know your position ASAP. Keep it confidential and under wraps, but let someone higher up than you know that you felt uncomfortable. Same thing as if it were a female employee. This way if anything else happens you have documented the experience from your standpoint and it won't become a he said/he said face-off.




message 9: by Charissa, That's Ms. Obnoxious Twat to You. (new)

Charissa (dakinigrl) | 3620 comments Mod
Nick, for whatever it's worth, if a man who worked for me came on to me I would feel as uncomfortable as you have in the situation. I don't think it matters what the gender or sexual preference is in that situation, it's fraught with difficulties. It's not like being out in a bar, or whatever, and having some random stranger come on to you. You can walk away and never see them again. But in this situation you are trapped in daily interaction. You don't know how rejection will play out over time. So I don't blame you for feeling nervous about it.

The fact that you are checking in with others about it tells me that you're not just being homophobic.

I agree with what Sally says about letting someone higher up know, in case something weird happens later. You are in a position of authority. I think you should be cautious. You'll sleep better at night.

Beyond that I would just keep things light and professional. And don't put yourself into any situations that could be misconstrued if you can help it. And for gods sake don't have him over for dinner. While I can see why your wife is amused, it's so a bad idea.


message 10: by Meels (new)

Meels (amelia) Is there an echo in here?


message 11: by B. (last edited May 30, 2008 10:19PM) (new)

B. (briant) | 99 comments Have we all become a bunch of babies, that we can't handle getting hit on, perhaps flirted with, without alerting some authority figure about it? This situation is no way connected to any sort of sexual harassment or the like. For that to be true, this unnamed gay guy would be the employer: Nick,the one hit on, the employee. Come on, people, we are more secure and not so fearful as all that, aren't we? Do our employers really want us to run to them every time we feel a little uncomfortable? Could this poor sap really cause Nick grief because Nick did not respond to a come-on from an employee? Really? (sigh) I am sure someone will respond with "potential lawsuit, hostile work environment, unwanted advances, invasion of my personal space, blah, blah, blah, whimper, sniff." I swear, as a very lefty, social liberal, I am still appalled and discouraged by the hyper political correctness that makes it a crime for anyone to say anything that might offend anyone at anyplace and time. (breath, calm down, end rant, drink more jagermeister) Okay, I'm all better.


message 12: by Meels (new)

Meels (amelia) Unfortunately he could Brian, and it's hard to live down the allegation even if there is no proof. I had a friend who worked with teenagers. One of the boys hit on him, he shut him down, the boy cried "molestation" and there was an inquiry. It changed his life forever, even though the inquiry turned up nothing and the investigation was closed! The boy later apologized and admitted that he lied. He was afraid my friend was going to tell people he was gay...

I'm not saying it is going to happen, but it's wise to protect yourself in this age of sue happy freaks!


Servius  Heiner  | 1980 comments Mod
I already said I don’t want to get the guy in trouble, what I am worried about is him being all butt hurt over it and making up some crap that puts me on the razors edge. If it were a women then I would follow everyone’s advice and tell my director as an informal notification in the event something in the future did come up. However I know this work place, a lot of good people, but also some really shitty ones. If his sexual orientation was to become camp knowledge it would make his life difficult. Again something I don’t want to do. He IS a nice guy and one of the few people I can count on to complete tasks. My hackles are up because he seemed to take the rejection as an insult.

So I am going to pretend nothing happened tomorrow and see how that works. Maybe even have a sit down with it at lunch, or go out on an inspection with him so we can discuss it in private. But again that opens up more room for conflict. AGGGR!



message 14: by Lori (new)

Lori Well, rejection does hurt, maybe after he's had a night's sleep he'll realize it wasn't personal, you just don't swing that way. It's inevitable that something must be said - it would be horribly uncomfortable to ignore what happened completely.

I always worked in small companies, where everyone could flirt in piece, or not depending on who you were. People openly were in relationships, no problem. I'd have a hard time adjusting in this day and age. I guess it exists for a reason. I wonder tho if people are as open as when I worked for companies, having parties together, drinks, etc. or if it's put a damper on things. Have any of you ever known of anyone personally who has had to file grievances?


message 15: by Kirk (new)

Kirk | 136 comments Whatever you do, don't make this mistake:

http://gawker.com/tag/clip/?i=5012000...


message 16: by Howard (new)

Howard (howardmittelmark) I think you're going about this the wrong way. Does he have cigarettes? If so, you should consider having sex with him.


message 17: by Sally (new)

Sally (mrsnolte) bizarre = Howard.


message 18: by Howard (new)

Howard (howardmittelmark) Acknowledged.


message 19: by Meels (new)

Meels (amelia) Nah, Howard just knows someone who's done time! :)


message 20: by Sally (new)

Sally (mrsnolte) Good perspective, Donna.


Servius  Heiner  | 1980 comments Mod
Well time will tell. I had a couple of "menuts" to talk to him today. I think he realized he was out of line. Things should be fine as long as he was being honest today. I'm sure he was being honest, as I said he is a stand up guy. I did make it vary clear that he is never to do anything like that again at work.


I think it will have to wait awhile before I invite him out with my wife. I don't think I could deal with them both mocking me so soon. They would probably fling midgets at me too!



Servius  Heiner  | 1980 comments Mod
Yes midgets... midgets that just finished having butt sex.


message 23: by Sally (new)

Sally (mrsnolte) No, Sex and the City was pretty much composed by gay men for gay men. That's not offensive.


Servius  Heiner  | 1980 comments Mod
Speaking of gay men; I was lucky to be at work this week. Elton John was in Fairbanks this week and my wife had bought tickets. Woot! For over time :D

So I guess this whole thing could have been avoided if I didn't dodge the concert. The universe gets what the universe wants, Oh Geez help us all!



Servius  Heiner  | 1980 comments Mod
Laugh it up chuckles.


message 26: by Meels (new)

Meels (amelia) My dad always said that God had a helluva sense of humor...


Servius  Heiner  | 1980 comments Mod
I'm not sure I like your thought pattern here Donna. :-/

You wouldn't happen to be related to my wife would you?


Servius  Heiner  | 1980 comments Mod
That looks like it would be a funny article Steve, but I can't access it at work.


Servius  Heiner  | 1980 comments Mod
thats right rub it in.


message 31: by [deleted user] (new)

Is that what he said to you?


message 32: by Sally (new)

Sally (mrsnolte) loller coaster!


message 33: by Sarah (new)

Sarah (songgirl7) WTF?


message 34: by Charissa, That's Ms. Obnoxious Twat to You. (new)

Charissa (dakinigrl) | 3620 comments Mod
LMAO!


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