Would you mind taking a look at this?

[Jakob]

I wrote this very short story for a few friends of mine. I was hoping maybe you guys could take a look at it and point out what needs fixing and so on. Any tips and such appreciated. Muchas gracias :)

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...

[Aloha]

Hi Jakob,
Thank you for posting your story. If you don't mind my frank assessment:

The theme of cannibalism has been explored many times, so the story needs to be pushed a bit further, either using more irony, humor, surprise, or gory descriptions. You might want to look at the following movies to see how they depicted cannibalism powerfully and in an edgy way:

1. Delicatessen by JP Jeunet and Marc Caro
2. The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Lover
3. Eating Raoul

I hope this helps.

[Jakob]

thanks :)

[Teawench]

Hi, Jakob

Here's my two cents:

For such a short piece, there are a lot of characters; at least in the beginning section. I'd think about trying to cut some.


The nit picky stuff:
As written it's hard to read. There should be a new line every time a new character speaks. The punctuation needs cleaning up and there are at least two sentences that I can immediately think of that could use some tightening up.

But you've got a good start with some good imagery. And I agree with Thoa that it needs to be pushed a bit more.

[Aloha]

Jakob,
I agree with Christina that it's hard to read. I had to reread the beginning several times to get who's saying what. It would be better to get into the flow of the story without having to stop to figure out such trivial stuff. But you've got a great rough draft. :o) Rewrite, rewrite!

[Jakob]

Thanks guys :) I'll be sure to do that as soon as school's out for summer ;)

[Aloha]

Jakob,

Another thought that you can take it if it fits for you. I'm a foodie. Food brings forth texture, taste and sensation. It would be great if you can put some of that into the cannibalism. Part of the magic of horror is visceral, either fear, anticipation, disgust, or a combination of all of those. One of the components of cannibalism is bringing out a sense of disgust out of people. Past masters of the topic of cannibalism have mixed the full sensual force of food with the full disgust of cannibalism. For example, in the movie The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover, the human body was festively displayed, roasted to perfection and garnished with parsley and orange slices.

I always love stories that brings out such ambiguousness. Is it pleasure or pain? It is delicious or disgusting? Is it love or hate?