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Dating (Advice, etc.) > Self esteem and the larger person

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message 1: by Kim, Proud Queen of the Fat and Fabulous! (last edited Mar 06, 2010 12:59PM) (new)

Kim (mrsnesbitt) | 1031 comments Mod
I have suffered from low-self esteem for most of my life and it did hinder my personal relationships. Not only with my friends,but how I saw myself in the eyes of the opposite sex. I have dealt with depression,been despondent at times and felt like dreck because it was easier that trying to belive that I am worthwhile.

A lot of larger people deal with this problem as we,as a whole, are made to feel that we are less by the world around us. In high school, I did go to dances, mostly alone and only had a few escorts because I had to ask a guy to go with me. I had plenty of guy friends because I was and am a bit of a tomboy (mostly thanks to growing up with all boy cousins at my age level), so I was good enough to talk sports with and go to the movies in a group, but not date. As an adult, I was good for a "last call" date, you know, it's last call at the bar and you look good now because he's drunk...

I fought for years to belive that I am worth more than what I have been told I am. I have not always suceeded, and I still have problems, but I am working on it. I sat myself down one day and basically told myself to stop acting like such horses hind end. I started facing myself in the mirror, something I am loath to look into, and looked myself in the eyes and started to tell myself that I am worthy, that I am pretty, that I am a good person, and that I will find somebody who will love me for who I am.

I did this for several years. I still don't always belive it and my boyfriend helps me reinforce it, but I still have trouble believing it. I feel that until all people are treated like they matter, I and others will always feel this way.

So let me say this:

YOU matter. YOU are a good person. YOU DO deserve to be loved. YOU will find somebody who loves YOU for who YOU are. NO ONE has the right to make you feel less. NO ONE has the right to beat you, be-little you, treat you without dignity. YOU matter. YOU are loved. YOU are YOU, and YOU are a human being. YOU are NOT alone.

I am here, and I am listening.

message 2: by Narzain (new)

Narzain | 194 comments You'd better believe that you are worthy, you are beautiful, and you are a good person. You're so much better than you give yourself credit for.

I think this group is a wonderful step towards recognizing that. I truly hope that it will help others realize their worth as well.

message 3: by Kim, Proud Queen of the Fat and Fabulous! (new)

Kim (mrsnesbitt) | 1031 comments Mod
Self esteem does indeed come from within, but it is very hard to have when you are told constantly by "well meaning people", total strangers,and others that you are not enough. That wears on you enough,like water over stone, and you develop problems. For people who have never had body image issues (and I have never said thin women don't have them, and as for the "curvy women" (the new Hollywood term for normal weighted women), that is a term that does not apply to women over a size 10 (depending on designer, a 12). All women are subjected to impossible body images. Thin women are told to stay that way or they won't be attractive. Bigger women are told to lose weight and they will be happy forever.

It breaks my heart to see what is happening to the younger generations who have never not seen a supper model. No matter how much you love your kids, tell them that you love them and think that they are wonderful the way they are, images are still there telling them they are not. Peer groups tell them they are not. Years ago, I had a babysitting gig every other weekend. The kids adored me and I them. I told them I loved them and so did their mother. Repeatedly. At the time of this incident, the youngest was 4 or so (she will be 15 in December). She had "play make-up" which was just some age appropriate lip balm with root beer flavoring. Fine. One night when I was due, she asked her mom if she could wear some real lipstick. When asked why, she said that she "wanted to look pretty so that Kim will love me." Her mom reminded her that I already did, and she replied "I want to be really pretty so she'll never stop."

That broke my heart and still does.

Until all women are seen as beautiful, until all advertisers stop telling us none of us are good enough, until we all have good self esteem, the pressure is always going to be great.


I believe in all of you.

message 4: by A. (new)

A. | 19 comments Just remember...Hollywood told Judy Garland that she was ugly...go figure

message 5: by Kim, Proud Queen of the Fat and Fabulous! (new)

Kim (mrsnesbitt) | 1031 comments Mod
I like that I am starting to see less size 2 actresses and seeing more at least size 12 out there. We still have a long way to go, but I think we are seeing a small but significant change.

Again, I believe in all of you,and we can change the way the world sees us, by changing how we see ourselves.

message 6: by Kim, Proud Queen of the Fat and Fabulous! (new)

Kim (mrsnesbitt) | 1031 comments Mod
Narzain and I were talking yesterday, and I remembered something from my past.

In the days before internet dating, there were computer matching services. Remember those? One time I filled out the mass mailer and of course, they called me to come in for a free consult. While there, I was told in a probably typical spiel, that if I would open up my dating pool to smokers as well as the preferred non, that I would have many more chances to date. I recall this comment at this time because the brain is a strange thing, but I do remember thinking "What an a--!" about the guy suggesting this to me.

Now, keep in mind that the company guaranteed at least 1 date in a 6 month period or you go a refund. "So to my mind then and now, they probably had "dates" on the payroll." I think that the comment was directed at that and not my size, but then and now I can't help but think that was the overall commentary.

"You can't be choosy if you are fat."

Oh yes I can! NO ONE should just SETTLE! Fight for your right to date who you wish!

YOU ARE ATTRACTIVE! YOU ARE WORTHWHILE! And if ANYONE in your life is making you feel that way or telling you that, RUN!

message 7: by Paul (new)

Paul (merman1967) | 228 comments Not quite dating, but somehow what you said made me remember an incident I had once. I wanted to continue my education LONG before I started my current educational track, and looked into a place along the lines of Bryant & Stratton. I don't remember the name, but it was for "Executive Assistant", or in real terms, a glorified secretary. I took the entrance tests and scored higher than they had ever seen. A shoo-in, right? Wrong. I was told, nicely, that I was too fat. No one would hire me for a front-line position dealing with the public, that I might be better suited for a position such as computer programming.

I appreciated his honesty, but still. Once again prejudice and discrimination based on looks rather than on qualifications.

message 8: by Kim, Proud Queen of the Fat and Fabulous! (new)

Kim (mrsnesbitt) | 1031 comments Mod
I have been watching a program on TLC called "Big Sexy" which follows 5 plus-sized women in N.Y. (see our "larger people in t.v./movies discussion for more details)and some interesting observations have been made. One of the women talked about how many bad relationships she has had just BECAUSE. We all know that one. Every person of every shape has had this one. We stay BECAUSE______________ (fill in reason). Larger people do this more often because we are trained to it. We are taught that if you do not fit into a prescribed mold you will NEVER find ANYONE who will want you so be grateful when someone does show any kind of interest. (I have been on the end of "last call" syndrome where guys too drunk to care figure you're desperate.)

One observation was that larger women sometimes feel that they need to be the aggressor instead of being approached, and that there is nothing wrong in wanting or waiting to be approached. I did not date (much) in high school and went to most dances alone. I did go to my prom with a good friend of mine and he was marvelous date. It wasn't until Narzain and I started dating that I was asked to dance. (Yes, he asked ME to dance at my cousin's wedding- shock to those who know him!) Until then, I either had to sit out the slow dances or find a good guy friend to dance with. (Either way, I had fun.)

One of the other things that got me was that 2 of the women (one a print model, one wants to be a model) had problems with swimsuits. The first one wanted a cover up and the other did not want to wear one in a fashion show they decided to put on. If you are or want to be a model, you pretty much HAVE to put on what they give you. The latter one says she is confident,but, and this is why she did wear a suit, she needed to show it.

I know it is hard to be comfortable in your own skin. It takes time and a lot of hard work to accept yourself,but it can be done. The love and support of good friends and family (remember, family in not just the people you're born to, but who you choose along the way) and if you are really lucky (like me) a truly loving and supportive partner who sees you for you and helps you see it too.

message 9: by Kim, Proud Queen of the Fat and Fabulous! (last edited Nov 02, 2011 06:55AM) (new)

Kim (mrsnesbitt) | 1031 comments Mod
I know hope my boyfriend is o.k. with me sharing this.

A few weeks ago, I was having a bad emotional day. I have those sometimes, yes, without PMS and I don't always say the most pleasant things. I always seem to have the high point (low point?) to these at the worst times, like right before bed, 3 a.m. or something like that. This was quite simply stupid. I thought he was mocking me(he wasn't) and it led to tears, me wanting to go home, and even telling him I wanted out of the relationship.

Now, here's where he is the best. He didn't get mad he didn't hold it against me. He just held me and let me cry and feel how I needed to feel. He allowed me to let go of the stress (and there is a LOT right now) and the anger at feeling helpless. He knew I really did not want to leave the apartment or him for that matter, but that I needed to let some things go and I am a good one for holding stuff in until I just can't anymore.

We hadn't had much chance to fool around that week, as I had not been feeling so hot (did not go swimming either day that week,that is how bad I felt) so that night was supposed to be our first opportunity. We did start to try,but it became really apparent that this was not a good idea. 1) We were both tired, and 2) it didn't feel right. It felt like we were tying BECAUSE and not because we desired to,but because it was expected.

We agreed that we should put this off until later, and the next day we did. We made time to be intimate and it was wonderful. He is already a caring and loving partner and that day was no different. It was just better because we made the time and were able to concentrate on each other. And yes, it was a beautifully sunny afternoon.

So what is my overall point?

Despite my own fears and perceptions,surprisingly, this incident helped to bolster my self esteem.


Because my partner listened to me, forgave me and supported me.

You can't get any better than that.

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