Perspective Plus discussion
Chit Chat
>
trying to be healthy
Mod
Mod
It is required to work out a minimum of 3 days/week, but there is no time limit minimum or otherwise that each workout must last, we must weigh our selves 1x's/week and fill out a sheet. 1x's a month, they will re-asses us.
Here comes the humilliating part. I have no delusions about my size. The scales at the doctors office do not register anything above 350 lbs. So does the scale at the Y. We were weighed in front of everybody. No numbers were mentioned aloud or anything, but there I am, standing in front of all these people, and I can't get on the scale because I am too big for it, and everyone knew why. Then, we had to have our hips and waist measured(which will be used once a month to track progress)in seperate room. Her measuring tape almost wasn't long enought to go around me.
I know that some would say, "Well, does this tell you anything?" Again, I have no delusions of my size. I live with it every day. I have to deal with seats that are too small, turnstiles I can't or have trouble fitting through, too samll bathroom stalls, and other things most people take for granted as being the "right size". This is not a set back, and I fully intend to go through with this. I hope that by the end of these 3 months, I will be able to get on that scale and have it work.
Mod
I am comfortable with who I am,or am I just too afraid to change? My identity has always been "the fat girl"....what happens when I'm not her any more? I know I am never going to be "thin", but if I lose even 10 lbs., will I be the same person?
My boyfriend says I will, that my size doesn't dictate the person I am, but what if my size has influenced who I am, the person I became....what if....
No, not today. Today, I am who I am. Period. End of sentence. I will always be who I am, and whatever outside version of me is there, I am not going to change. I will be a healthier version, but I will still be me.
Period.
Mod
I have found that you can have what you want, you just have to make better choices when at home. Like use whole grain buns and bread for sandwhiches, use vieggie based or whole wheat torillias, use reduced fat (not fat free, they increase sugar and salt to preserve flavor) products, and making a better effort to get more fruits and veggies in your daily intake.
Remember, 1/2 c is a serving of fruit or veggies and 1 8 oz. glass of 100% juice counts as 2, but it is high in natural sugars, so what I do is drink 4 oz with my morning meds (thyroid, blood pressure, and glucoseamine) and then have 4 more oz later in the day, when I am more likely to burn off the sugar. 1 medium apple is about 1/2 a cup, or one bananna....see not too hard.
Yes, I still will give in and have a doughnut, but only 1. I have found if I deny myself something, that is when I most likely to eat an entire bag of what I said I can't have, vs. letting myself have 1. I have also found that if I know something like a bithday party or holliday celebration is comming up, I try to really watch it all week, and then I give myself permission to eat what and how much I like at that time. I have found that I do not over eat, or make really bad choices, because I am not making forbidden food more tempting.
Mod
Yes, today for the first time in a long time, I am proud of myself. I will still be proud tomorrow, and hopefully by the end of the next 3 months, I will get up to 30 minutes total, but for today, 8 1/2, is pretty darn good.
Mod
I am looking into a few other water classes since they will offer me a no-impact workout, which is important to me at this time. I am thinking about the arthritis class since it should go at a more sedate pace, which is also something I need.
I am so proud of myself!
Mod
Mod
Mod
I went yesterday, in the morning, to try my luck on a treadmill. Afetr getting changed, I found out the cardio room was closed due to the roof work being done. So, I had a doctor's appointment in the afternoon, so I couldn't go back later in the day. I went to the library, then since I had time to kill, I went to a local park and walked there for 10 minutes along the lake. I figured to get 10 minutes on the treadmill, so I just transfered my walking to outside, and the best part is I still met my 3 visits for the week at the Y as well.
I went to Tai Chi today and our instructor was ill, so 2 of the ladies who have been in the class from the beginning, led it today and while it was different, it was still good.
Side note to the doctors vist: I do not have to go back until July and since my blood work was good in November, I don't have to have any more until after my July visit. Best part? My blood pressure was 133 over 83. Normaly it's 140 over 60. Tai Chi is paying off!
Mod
Mod
Mod
Mod
Mod
This month, I am going to try the weight machines, since I was told by my doctor to hold off on those until after my first month, which I think was sound advice
Mod
I figure if I can get in 2 more minutes on the treadmill or 2 more lengths in the pool each time, the next thing I know, I will be doing 30 minutes or a 1/2 mile. For me slow is better, and I know this is going to be a long process. I didn't gain all of this exta weight in a day, and I also know that not all of it will ever come off, which is fine with me. I am comfortable being me, what ever size I am, but I would like to be healthier version of me.
Mod
Mod
As well you should be. I'm proud of you too!
Mod
Mod
Mod
Mod
Proud of myself does not begin to cover it.
Mod
Maybe this is karmic payback for almost drowning that guy....I don't know. All I know is that I have been in tears since yesterday thinking I may have to leave...sorry I can't finish this thought, I'm tearing up again.
Mod
Mod
I have a question to all of you who work out/exercise, no matter what level you are. Do you find yourself STARVING when you get home? Or is it just me being the class weirdo again?
Mod
Mod
Mod
Woot!!!I know I already said this in person, but you rock!
Mod
Mod
With out the scholarship, my journey will end. Maybe that is the best thing for me. While I have been able to be proud of myself, I have begun to think that this maybe the best for me, to walk away, say I tried, and just go off and be quiet. I am used to not getting what I want. It goes with the plus-sized territory I have lived in all of my life. When you are a larger person, you get used to not being able to do or have many things.
I do not think I have lost much, if any weight, since there are no scales that can accomodate me nearby. Physically, I feel no different. Emotionaly and mentaly, I have improved. I want to stay. I actually look forward to exercise for crying out loud! That's a first. I have decided that if I get to stay, I am going to swim 1 mile by the end of the year.....but I may have to give that up.
I want to stay...but what I want and what I am prepared to have happen are 2 vastly different things.
This may be one of my last posts on this subject. I hope it's not and that I can continue to have your support and hopefully keep inspiring those who need it. Please keep my scholarship in your prayers. Who knows, you might help make a miracle.
Mod
Mod
Mod
I am restricted to only Tai Chi this week since the Summer Camp kids are being allowed to use the poo during the normal adult lap. Next week, the pursuit of a mile begins.
Mod
I know that the program ending should not really affect me now that I have the membership, but it is. I am not sad that it is ending, but I guess I am a little gratefull for it all the same. This program, of which I was terrified to sign up for, has allowed me to find out what I am made of, what I am capeable of, and that I am not what I thought I was. I have learned that I can succeed when I thougt I was destined to fail. I have learned that I am better than the sum of my parts, and that I am better than any gym class I survived in school.
I was terrified of this program, not because I thought I would fail (I am always prepared for that) but because of old nightmares from gym classes past, where I did my best, but was always the slow fat kid, several paces behind everyone else. I dreaded exercise because I feel tired and worn out when I'm done, not exhillarated like others get. Thanks to my Aqua Tai Chi class and lap swim, I do feel better after than when I walked in the door.
I am not done on this journey, and I plan on keeping up this blog about how I am doing. I still plan on at least 3 days per week like I have been doing, and I still hope to swim a mile before Christmas. Thank you all for being there for me these last 3 months. Your support and encouragement helped me keep my chin up and my head up high. For those of you who are starting out, start slow, keep a steady pace, and know that I am rooting for you.
Mod
Yesterday, I did 50 lengths. That is a half mile plus 3 extra laps for those of you who speak lap. The most I have done has been 48 lengths. I felt like I could do more, but thought better of it, and by the time Tai Chi was over, I was glad I did not push. To top it all off, I did a 1/4 mile in 15 minutes, and the entire 1/2 mile in 40. That is 5 minutes off of both! Not bad for someone who wasn't able to swim for 2 weeks, huh?
Mod
THE SCALE WORKED! IT WORKED FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER IN THE 7 YEARS I HAVE BEEN GOING THERE! I NOW WEIGH: DRUMROLL PLEASE...........
334!
I don't know my starting weight,but the scale only goes up to 350, so even with room for error, I have still lost weight!
(I also have tennis elbow (!) and I don't play tennis, but I have a wrap brace and it will go away on it's own.)
WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:):):):):):):)
I know that this may sound like a strange way to react to weight loss if I say I am comfortable with who I am. I still am comfortable with myself, weight loss or no. I did not start this program inorder to loose weight. I started it to be healthy. If weight drops off, then I feel it is meant to be, but it is not my goal. If I don't loose anymore, that's fine too. Mostly, I am just flabergasted that I lost any at all.
Mod
I am feeling much better today and hope to do at least a 1/2 mile tomorrow.
Mod
Mod
I ended up in an Urgent Care on Sunday, and will not be able to work out this week, as I am just being able to walk normaly today.
On Friday, I swam a 1/2 mile (that makes 1 mile for the week, a first) and then left to go help some friends of mine who were getting ready for their vaction. Since their apartment does not have A/C, some of their electronics would be ruined when they come home, so I agreed to "babysit" them at my house. So, the 17 year old son packed my car with the tote and I didn't unpack it until Saturday morning. I had no idea how heavy it was until I went to unload it.
By Saturday evening, while at the boyfriends,I was in pain. Now,I come by this next thing honestly. My family has never been ones to pop a pill over a little discomfort, and my mother has a high pain tollerance. (Example, after having a hysterectomy to remove her cancer, she tried her best not to take the pain pills she was given on the principle that she would be fine. She eneded up taking them anyway, because we made her.) So, I was reluctant to take anything even though I was in tears due to the pain. I do not use the phrases "I want to go to the ER" or "Take me to Urgent Care". Keep this in mind.
I got up early Sunday morning to pee, and I came back to bed, and said to the boyfriend, "I want to go to the emergency room." He was ready to take me there and then, but I said, "Not now, in the morning." By 7 o'clock, we were in a debate of whether or not this was an emergency room worthy visit or if I should wait it out (I wanted to wait, because I didn't want to bother the nice people in the emergency room.) We agreed to the Urgent Care and if they said ER, then I would go.
Now mind you, I have no job and no insurance. The no/low cost clinic I go to has an agreement with 2 hosptitals that if I have to go to the ER, I must pay $60, and the rest may be "forgiven" under the agreement. (Any hospital that gets state and or federal funding, must help you, regardless of financial situation. They get money from the government to cover patients like this. If they refuse you, they can lose funding.)
So, Urgent Care it was. Run by another hospital group, this one has a self-pay option,and was willing to see me. My mom told me to put it on a credit card and she would pay the bill when it came, so I wasn't sweating that part. Fine.
I was quickly seen and a pee-in-the-cup test said that I did not have a UTI. The doctors best guess is that I pulled a groin muscle,an ovarian cyst may have burst, or a combination of the 2. A hernia was also considered, but my mom has had 2 of those and I did not show any symptoms of those.
So, all of this resulted in a doctors educated guess, a recomendation that if it did get worse to go the ER,and her telling me that they would tear up my bill since they didn't do anything.
I am feeling a little better,and it will be slow, but I also know that swimming or my class will only make it hurt worse.
*Sigh*
My friends know nothing of this and won't for 2 weeks when they come home. I will be having them come to my house with the 17 year old to pick up the stuff.
Mod
I am going with the combination of the two problems since I have gone trough the cyst before and I think the muscle was a side casualty. To top off my week, I get to go for my T-dap tomorrow. This is the new combination shot for adults. It combines your tetanus booster with adult pertussis vaccine (that's Whooping Cough by the way.) I am deathly afraid of needles. My veins collapse easily,and it takes 6-8 sticks per arm to get a little sample, even when I was a kid this was the norm. (Understandable fear, wouldn't you say?) I'm a better off at the lab where they do this all day and can use a pediatric needle in the top of my hand to get what they need. [They once called a psych consult on me at my old doctors when I flipped out over a blood sample. ( I told them to give me the paperwork and let me go to the lab, but they wouldn't listen....):]
So, not one of my fave things here. Thankfully, the boyfriend can work a half day (his boss loves me,not to mention the cookies I send with him to work [she's his boss from his old job, so she's known me for a while now:] and is more than happy to let him be able to come with me tomorrow to hold me down. Literally.
I am so freaked about this, I would rather not do it, but I know getting the treatment for tetanus is worse than what I will go through tomorrow. I am so scared right now, I'm shaking.
Think of me at around 11:15 a.m. when you hear the scream echoing around the world.....
Mod
Mod
I got back in the pool yesterday (8/18) and did 5 laps (10 lengths) and my Tai Chi class as well. I swam slowly and I did feel a few tinges during class. When those happened, I did not breathe in as deeply or reach as high as I normally do. I plan on going on Friday and doing it again! I am going to try for a quarter mile, but I will do what I can.
Mod
Mod
Yesterday, I did all that, but I did 100 ab crunches at 112.5 lb. and 80 leg presses at 100 lb. and 20 at 120 lb. That last one was a little much. My knees hurt today.
Next week, the pool reopens and so do my dreams of doing a mile by Christmas.
Mod
a 1/2 mile! The kid's still got it!
Mod
This weekend I read the best self-help type of book EVER! It is: "Lessons from the Fat-o-sphere: Quit Dieting and Declare a Truce with Your Body"
by Kate Harding, Marianne Kirby.
Everyone who has ever had body image issues, is fat (and that is NOT a bad thing to be), or who is working through both, NEEDS to read this book.. The authors are fat acceptance bloggers who back up every thing in the book with hard science. I did not find this book to be overly eye-opening or shocking, but I did find it to be an affirmation of how I am trying to live my life and the philosophy behind my advocacy group, Perspective Plus (found here on goodreads only so far).
Did you know about HAES? It is a recognized idea that many doctors believe in. It simply states that you can be Healthy At Every Size. All you have to do is find a form of exercise activity that you like, and eat intuitively, which basically means eating when hungry and eating what your body is telling you it needs. NO calorie restrictions, NO forbidden foods (since food is morally ambiguous that makes sense), NO starving yourself, NO shame.
How simple is that? The book includes a list of on-line resourses as well as some books that may provide even more support.
I read this book, crying through most of it, because it hit home, especially Chapter 12, which is on dating.
So, STOP DIETING (they don't work anyway) THROW OUT THE SCALE and REMEMBER YOU ARE WORTH WHILE AND HAVE VALUE!
Mod
I felt that she spoke in contradictions there a little bit.
Did you know that a BMI index cannot tell the difference between muscle and fat. People can have high BMI and still be very fit. Yes, you should not eat too much of certain foods, and yes you do need to exercise, blah, blah blah. I do not believe that this so called epidemic is the end of the world. It is hidden sugars in our food (remember, labels only have to list sugar not all of it's forms as nutritional content),so honey, molasses, corn syrup and anything ending in -ose is sugar.
Computers, and lack of recess and gym classes in school is a good chunk of why our kids are getting bigger. It used to be that the rich were fat. It was a sign of wealth. Now, the poor are fat instead because they cannot afford to get the healthy foods they need.
As for Asia and Europe (places with universal health care, and fewer fast food places on every corner,h-m-m, a connection perhaps?) The whole food dynamic is different there too. Mega-mart grocery stores are an American invention and are just starting as an idea in those places. Yes, portion control has gotten our of hand, but that is the fault of restaurants who want you to eat and parents who are too lazy/tired/overworked/etc. to cook at home. Since I work with kids, I have seen the parents who don't use kid sized plates when they do, so the kid are encouraged to eat more than they should.
We need to be more aware of what we eat and stand up to food processors who claim that their products would be too expensive it they didn't fill it with high fructose corn syrup and the like, and start giving our money to whole food markets, farmers markets, and road side stands. If the food industry sees we won't stand for it, things will change. As long as they can get you money, that's all they want.
We also need to see a change in advertising. Being fat (at it's basic definition) means one who is not thin. So, not a size 0, you're fat. We need to encourage self-esteem in our kids. Yes, encourage everyone to be healthy, but don't tell me I'm a wonderful person, then throw images in my face that say other wise. Instead of painfully thin women and overly muscled men, how about just showing the product and telling us what is does?
Dove's campaign for real beauty was a start, but until everyone is accepted for who they are, regardless of weight, height, race, religion, or gender, we will always have some problem or another the drug companies want to "fix", the government will always look for reasons to be "right", and advertisers will always sell "the fountain of youth".
We all have value. Value yourself.
Mod
So you know how I keep saying that I want to reach a mile by Christmas? And that I wanted to reach 3/4 of a mile before the end of October?
Well.......
I DID A 3/4 MILE YESTERDAY! I am so proud of myself, I could explode (which would be pretty gross)!
I started swimming at 1:10 p.m. and finished by 2:00! Not bad for my first time!
1 mile, here I come!
The Cleveland Clinic has issued a program called GO FIT! as a challenge to the area to become healthy. They are offering a 3 month membership to Curves or to the Y. Anyone over 18 qualifies as long as you live in the participating counties, and don't already belong to either place or did in the last 90 days.
My best friend Karen said that she's going to do it and that if I want to, she'll do it with me. I registered on-line yesterday. Now I have to decide where I am going to go.
For those of you who don't know, I am a large person. I am over 300 lbs. I am in good heath, and I have been trying to make changes for the last few years. I have been out of work for 3 years, so joining my local rec. center has been out of the question. I have said that when I have the money, I don't have the time, and when I have the time, I don't have the money. Now, I have no excuse.
I'm scared. I am afraid of humiliating myself like I used to in gym class. I am scared that if I don't do this now, I will never get started. I am scared that I will become a different person and I don't now how to be anybody but the "fat kid". I know that I will not be model thin (who wants that!) but that I can be healthier......I'm scared I will fail. I'm scared that I will not lose any weight, that I will not make a dent in this mass of what ever I am and that I will always be this massive lump that is destined to be the thing that people stare and giggle at when I go out. I'm scared that I will let my friend down, that I will let down my boyfriend, my friends , my family and my self if I don't mange to do anything....I need support, I need help, and I hope you all will hear me out when I need to vent about this process and cheer with me when I do well.
I'm scared, but I'm ready.