VAMPS-R-US discussion
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jokes
A boy comes home grinning and tells his parents he's hust ahd sex for the first time. The dad is proud and says "I'll buy you a bike to celebrate but it will have to be next pay day". the boy smiles and says "thats ok dad my arse is too sore to ride it yet anyway".
Whats more annoying than your god chewing your shoe?A killer whale eating your trainer!
Dear Madam,I am sorry to tell you your application to join our match making service has been rejected. You failed Question #14 "what do you like best in a man?" We are afraid that "A Knife" was not an acceptable answer.
What do you call a man with only half a brain? Gifted
Why do men like smart sexy women? Opposites attract
Why does it take three million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they are too stupid to ask for directions
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out.. Shut the fr**ing door
Men are like commercials..... You can't believe a word they say
Why does a man have a clean conscience? Because its never been used
Becky: you remind me of the sea Mike: because i'm wild unpredictable and romantic?
Becky: no, because you make me sick
Men are like a pack of cards, you need a heart to love them, a diamond to marry them, a club to batter them, and a spade to bury them
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends
Why are married women heavier than single Women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge
Whats a mans idea of helping with the housework? ........
lifting his legs so you can vacuum underneath
What did God say after he created man? .......... "I can do better than this"
Haha me an my friend email jokes and stuff.... you can see most are sexist, looking through my emails.. will try and find some others before we scare off all the men!!
Husband to his wife - I dont know why you wear a bra youve got nothing to put in it Wife replies: You wear briefs don't you?
Why do men like masturbation? ................. Its sex with someone they love
A fish swims into a wall...................... Dam
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid the other was eating fireworks They charged one and let the other one off
what do you call a woman with one leg? Eilene
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says:
"You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Whats the greatest women joke ever? womens rights
(sorry girls)
What do you do when your man's staggering? ............. Shoot him again.
Bungee jumping is like getting a blowjob off your granny - It feels great but for christs sake don't look down
what do you do if your husband is drowning.... push his head under
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!" The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be hell
Whats the fastest way to a man's heart?.................... Through his chest with a sharp knife
How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares?
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it
What are a womans four favorite animals? A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and a Jackass to pay for it all
Why are men like laxatives? They can irritate the **** out of you
What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband? Pity her
What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO? I don't know, I've never seen either one
Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes? It had a penis AND a brain!
How many men to change a light bulb? Two
One to change the bulb and one to collect the medal
The average man is proof enough that women can take a joke
How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? None - they just sit in the dark and moan
Why do women have small feet? So they can get closer to the sink
A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ... pow! ... it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend.
"Ahhhh ... my wife found out ..."
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."
A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man." The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum." DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."
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When he asks for a blow job and she replies "I'm too tired, wank in the cup and I will drink it in the morning!