Q&A with author Jess Gulbranson discussion

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Toilet Training My Gampie

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message 1: by Heather (last edited Feb 23, 2010 07:31PM) (new)

Heather (wildsheepchase) | 1 comments Dear Jess-

I am a 42 year old divorcee who likes chocolate cupcakes, candlelight dinners, and long walks on the beaches of New Jersey. However, my swingin' single life recently got an unexpected visitor in the form of my 87 year old grandfather!

Gampie has disrupted my love life with his bowel movements. I'm unsure if it's some sort of imaginary pissing match (literally!) in his mind, but often my boyfriend Vernon and I will be getting down to business when the mood is spoiled by an extended period of loud flatulence followed by a foul smell wafting through the door. I'll avoid describing what awaits outside my bedroom door when I leave the boudoir to investigate.

How can I get Gampie to stop this nonsense and keep his business to himself?

I appreciate any help you can give.
ps-Are you planning to sell Jess Gulbranson (TM) pink bathrobes soon on your website? I think he'd like one of those.


message 2: by Jess (new)

Jess Gulbranson (jess_gulbranson) | 3 comments Mod
I've consulted a couple of experts on this issue to give you the best possible answer:

Gunnery Sgt. Jack Meihoffer advises that you take a firm Weaver stance with your .50 cal Desert Eagle and apply two shots to the head in close succession, what is known as a doubletap.

Dr. Adrian Yeo lists a number of tools that you will need for an emergency tonsilectomy, but I omit them for space reasons.

Last, economist Wild "Bill" Tolliver suggests that you wait just a couple of short months until my books "ANTIPALADIN BLUES" and "10 A BOOT STOMPING 20 A HUMAN FACE 30 GOTO 10" are out from Evil Nerd Empire and LegumeMan Books respectively. This will stimulate both the economy and your love life.

But until then, how to deal with the stank? My own personal expert advice is a gas mask. Not only utilitarian, but an excellent fashion choice. Chicks in gas masks are hawt!


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