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message 1: by Kim (new)

Kim Crowley (kimcrow) | 1893 comments So, someone writes the first or first two lines of one of their stories. The next person has to write a few good things about their hook, and a few things that could be better/they should work on. Then the person would rate the hook above them out of 5 points; so, for example, 4/5. After that, they'd put up one of their own hooks for critique and rating.

RULE: You are not allowed to post one of your own hooks without reviewing and rating the one above you!

Here's an example.

Person #1 writes: This is a hook from my story Bob.
Bob was very sad because his wife had just died.
Person #2 writes: Interesting hook. It leaves me with questions; I'm wondering how Bob's wife died. But also, it's not very exciting. It's not catchy or attention-grabbing, and I don't really know if I'd pick it up off the shelf from the hook. You should make it more exciting. I give it a 2.5 out of 5.
-------Here's my hook, from my story Gaspageness: The boy gasped as his mother told him the gaspagingness story.

And so on. Get it? :)

Maria [the clockwork creeps on useless lives] (mariachhile) | 8772 comments Mod
Heaven can get extremely boring for a five year old girl. That’s we aren’t supposed to be there. (from Skyborn)

((please Kim, don't make me laugh when I'm in a very laughy mood. I simply can't stop.))

message 3: by Laura (last edited Feb 21, 2010 11:57AM) (new)

Laura  | 911 comments That's catchy...but the second sentence doesn't make sense...I'd give it a 3 out of 5.

Rest is something for the rich people sitting in the lap of luxury. Rest is a reward. Rest is not what I'm getting right now, and I need it ever so badly. I'm addicted to it. I can't stop.

From a short story I began writing.

message 4: by RedPath (last edited Feb 21, 2010 12:09PM) (new)

RedPath | 853 comments It's very intense and sounds like it comes from someone who's been through a lot. But the last two sentences sounded a little odd. (4/5)

"It all started when I died. Well, when I was supposed to die, that is." (from In Between)

message 5: by Aviva (new)

Aviva (newtimelord) 5/5 Mythical. Nice. Intruging. I like it.

My home is called the Skyboat for a reason.

message 6: by Mandy (new)

Mandy  Harmon (mandyharmon) | 10724 comments 4/5 pretty good grabber. but I would start with a better grabber. That sentence seems like it would be better as a 2nd sentence rather then a first. but other then that, good one!

From an idea I had:

My food is wanted all over the world. My chef’s hat has started its own line hats in China. My cooking spoons are made into currency in Russia. My last weeks apron sold on eBay for 100 grand.

My name is Chef Gustav Finnegan.

(sorry thats longer then 2 sentences!)

message 7: by Aviva (new)

Aviva (newtimelord) 4.5/5! it grabs me right away. I want to know more about this chef-haha except I have to do my homework

Okay I try this: (changed a bit)
There is a reason my home is called the Skyboat. Nighttime shows what it really is. But unfortunately I can't tell you without telling my whole story. So here goes: (wow i just made that up off the top of my head)

message 8: by Aurora (last edited Feb 22, 2010 06:01PM) (new)

Aurora (Aurora37) | 33 comments Yeah I like it. Though it might be able to be worded a little better. :) 4/5

Here's mine: (it's sort of my first paragraph sorry!)

The sound of running feet echoed through the many alleys as Alissa and her majestic cat, Storm easily outstripped their pursuers. Reaching a dead end, Alissa scaled the wall like a rat and leaped over the other side. She landed in a pile of garbage and then raced out of the alley rapidly disappearing into the crowd.

message 9: by [deleted user] (new)

Nice. I'd give it... 4/5.

It's mildly intense, but you don't want to start off too intensely. Or maybe you do. I don't know. I'm wondering what's going on, so that definitely has me hooked.

Admiral Rotham asked the young officer to accompany him to the dungeion where Archer was held.

"Good evening, Captain," Admiral Rotham greeted cooly.

"Ev'ning, Adm'ral," Archer grinned slyly. "Wondering why I was wand'rin 'round your lovely port all alone and without so much as a sword and a bottle o' rum?"


"That first mate o' mine decided I was no longer fit to command me own ship," Archer explained simply. "She marooned me."

Rotham was surprised.

"You're first mate was a woman?" he said.

This isn't my opening paragraph, but I want to know if this dialogue is even remotely grabby.

message 10: by Toni (new)

Toni | 16 comments I think it's good, and the dialouge is interesting. You did a good job with the way Archer talks, it makes it more interesting, and you leave the end hanging with the first mate being a woman.

Telepathic twins Avaris and Chris are thrust into an ancient battle when they discover a soul-stealing stone. Magically able to resist the stone yet compelled by forces beyond their control, they must travel across Melderan to find a way to destroy the Stone.

Maria [the clockwork creeps on useless lives] (mariachhile) | 8772 comments Mod
It's compelling because it has such a broad intro with cool things in it, but on the same lines... it's toooo broad, too dry i think. 4/5

From a TBN story:

Pure. Oh, how I hated that word. I was staring down at all the people I used to think of as friends. Mama was trying not to cry, and had her nose buried in Vianna’s shoulder. Please mama, don’t cry, I silently wished her, Hold through, because if she did cry, she would be up here with me.

message 12: by Laura (new)

Laura  | 911 comments Sort of confusing... but intriguing, so 4/5.

Dr. Besynski leaned back in his chair and sighed, folding his arms across his stomach. In the room next to him, enclosed in glass laced with electrified chicken wire, was his patient. She stared at him with wild eyes, her hair falling out in clumps, her clothes ragged and threadbare. She was one of the many collected in the sweep. Dr. Besynski stepped closer to the glass to get a closer look. The humanoid creature hissed and exposed its fangs. Besynski jumped back, alarmed, and cautiously sat back down at his desk. The thing had to be tranquilized, and the sooner, the better.

message 13: by Laura (new)

Laura (xmagical) | 405 comments o.O What IS that thing? 4/5 cause it caught my interest. xD

Has it really only been a month? Only 31 days since my world was ripped apart, the perfect image of my life shattered forever? And yet here I sit, somehow hoping it might happen again. I sigh, wondering why I am here. I know I can never go back. But, sometimes, it helps just to remember.

message 14: by Aviva (last edited Feb 23, 2010 05:25PM) (new)

Aviva (newtimelord) 5/5 I want to read more and it grabs me.

I died from a bomb. But no ordinary bomb - one the size of Mercury. In fact, it was Mercury.

message 15: by Hannah (new)

Hannah (lettingtheinkdry) | 4824 comments 4/5 Catchy and interesting, deffenately makes me want to read more. But you may want to reword the first sentence.

Srry this is long-ish
He stared at the symbol suspended in front of him.
“Oh Dear God…” Wren whispered as his mind caught up with his eyes-

“Gavin! Come now boy!” He yelled as he scanned the area for any signs of trouble. The peace of the morning now long forgotten.
Anxiety pulled at his green eyes as he raked a hand through his blonde hair. Wren exhaled as Gavin sprinted out of the trees toward him.
He took off running through the trees , his dog in stride with him. The beautiful scenery passed once more unnoticed-each step a step away from the life he had come to know.

message 16: by [deleted user] (new)

5/5. I have no problems with it whatsoever, and the first line is interesting.

"Who are you and what have you done with Naomi Walters?"

message 17: by Audrey (last edited Feb 28, 2010 07:35PM) (new)

Audrey (AudreyMarie13) | 15 comments 3.4/5 I think it's a good sentence, and very attention grabbing. Just make sure you give a LOT of descriptions after it. :)

I starred out the window in utter astonishment. Was it just my imagination that the ugliest, rudest, and brattiest person IN THE WORLD was going to live with us? OH, and to make it worse, she's my cousin, so technically, I'm not allowed to hate her.

message 18: by ♫Huneeya♥ (new)

♫Huneeya♥ | 437 comments 3.5/5

Written well but the plot isn't very attention grabbing. I'm not sure what you could do to improve it sorry....

"So what you're saying is that..."
"All these earthquakes and tsunamis, they're not natural. They've built a machine to cause all of them. That's exactly what I'm saying, sir,"

message 19: by Aviva (new)

Aviva (newtimelord) 4/5 it grabs me but not totally. I like it though.

It's not that good, but…
It happened at noon. No one survived. Except me.

message 20: by Mandy (new)

Mandy  Harmon (mandyharmon) | 10724 comments 4/5 Intriging. I want to know what happened at noon. Make sure you add a lot of detail after though. But really good.

message 21: by Jasmine (last edited Mar 05, 2010 11:59AM) (new)

Jasmine (Lobymustard) | 19 comments (From my book I'm writing. It has no name yet)

"I will leave you to walk in your field. Thank you for the pear" He held it up and Eleanor saw it had a bite out of it. She wondered when he taken that bite. She didn't recall him tasting it at all.

"Did you take that bite?" She couldn't help herself.

"What?" He looked confused

"That bite in the pear, did you take it?" She pointed to it. He turned the pear and looked at the small bite.


"Oh my! I think I did!"

"You did?"

"Yes! Oh my, I picked two pears, took a bite of one and put it in my pocket for some reason. I don't know why!"

message 22: by [deleted user] (new)

Jasmine- 3.5/5 It didn't really seem like it would be really significant in a story, but that kind of makes me want to read more, you know? Like, where's she going with this? It piques my curiosity. Perhaps if you had posted a little bit more, it might have been a little grabbier. Also, it was a little confusing, but I'm easily confused, so dont' take that to heart.

From my awesome story, "The Half-Blood".

Even in the dark Shay could see the slight tremors that coursed through Charlie's body. The things silver poisoning could do. It made him considerably weaker than most other vampires. Shay could take him, easy, and his strength was pretty pathetic. But he wouldn't. Even Martin never lost his temper with Charlie. Well, Martin didn't lose his temper much anymore. Not after the HAVC experimented with him. It was just plain cruel to starve a vampire and then lock a human child in with him, especially when he was trying to practice self-control. It was incredible how they'd all changed since the HAVC got hold of them; Martin was almost mellow, Jasmine rarely spoke, Charlie laughed a lot less...even Shay was different. He knew he was. He wasn't the opposite of his former self, but more masochistic than ever.

"What did you want with Martin?" Shay wondered.

"I wanted to know if the rumors are true," Charlie answered swiftly, but not so swifly for Shay to suspect dishonesty. "I figured he would know. He has connections."

"What about Lionel?" Lionel would know better than Marty would.

"He's in Canada at the moment."

"I see." That made Shay a little nervous. Vampires like Lionel didn't usually leave the country unless it was absolutely necessary.

message 23: by Aviva (new)

Aviva (newtimelord) 4.5/5! I want to know more about the characters and what HAVC is. maybe I'll have to read it!

umm, a part of my story that hasnt been edited yet:
Suddenly I feel a disturbance. “What’s that?” I tense when Alute asks this. We all are intelligent in different areas. He is very skilled with a lot of sciences, also with mind connection and feeling sensing. A mist begins to form by the window. A golden being emerges though it. Slowly I begin to see a human figure condensing. They walked out of the shadow of mist and we can see the face and features. It isn’t a girl or a boy, I realize. They step off of the window sill with some of the mist following. It speaks:

message 24: by Jasmine (new)

Jasmine (Lobymustard) | 19 comments Aviva 3./5 Very strange but interesting. I felt scared while reading it which was good since I had no idea what was going on yet I still felt some emotion.

message 25: by Aviva (new)

Aviva (newtimelord) do you have a hook?

message 26: by [deleted user] (new)

Aviva wrote: "4.5/5! I want to know more about the characters and what HAVC is. maybe I'll have to read it!

umm, a part of my story that hasnt been edited yet:
Suddenly I feel a disturbance. “What’s that?” I te..."

It's that "Half-Blood" I keep ranting about. *nudges Aviva to Cassie's Writing!*

message 27: by Jasmine (last edited Mar 08, 2010 11:36PM) (new)

Jasmine (Lobymustard) | 19 comments Aviva wrote: do you have a hook?
Yes. I just did one but heres the beginning of my story I'm working on. Its kinda long.

There once was a young lady who lived in England by the name of Eleanor Gwendon.
Eleanor enjoyed may things but one thing she she fancied above all others was the art of song. She would go into her garden and let out all her secrets in lovely melodies, sitting on a bench for a good part of the afternoon. The bench was placed by a sturdy ivy covered fence. The ivy was thick and after so many years of creeping it covered over every inch of the wood. If the young woman, Eleanor, were to put her hands into the ivy until her fingers touched the the fence her hands would be covered up to her wrists. One might look at this fence, as did Eleanor, and believe that not much sound could travel through it. However, that would be a myth. Sound has a great ability to travel, especially when it is the sound of a young, sweet voice. So even though Eleanor felt safe from an audience she was not.
Every once in a while someone would pass and hear her but they would soon rush past in discomfort or preoccupation.

That was not the case with William Glass.

message 28: by Jasmine (new)

Jasmine (Lobymustard) | 19 comments ((may I just say that I read some of the hooks on this page and they are great!))

message 29: by ★ Jess (last edited Mar 09, 2010 01:42AM) (new)

★ Jess  | 50 comments Thats very well written, but not so much a hook as first paragraph of a story.
2.8 out of 5

Heres mine:
"Sylvester Amsterdam ran, His pursuer not far behind him."

message 30: by Jayda (new)

Jayda | 2761 comments It is exciting and makes you wonder, so good job with that. However, it seems like a cliched beginning. It's used a lot in the writing world. Cliches can be good, as long as you can make them your own at the same time, you know?
3.5 out of 5

Here's mine:
It had been four years since I’d visited this place, but the memories still haunted me.

message 31: by Laura (new)

Laura (xmagical) | 405 comments 4.5 out of 5; It makes me wonder what happened four years ago that has made the person reluctant to come back, and why.

The river runs red with blood. It is the blood of the innocent; the blood of children, mothers, fathers…families.

message 32: by Kriss (new)

Kriss (krisslee) | 5015 comments Mod
4.5/5 I love it... It makes me wonder why so many people are dead, and who killed them. Not to mention whether or nor there are any survivors, and why they were all innocent.

The funny thing about following someone is the fact that you can tell whether or not they know you’re there.

Darkness was the only illumination; the shadows waning with the blare of the city’s desolate glare, only the light of it didn’t seem to quiet reach so far. Not even the noise, though loud as it was, became fully audible. Everything was protected by a shroud of darkness and secrecy, forever locked away into what was a nightmarish twist of an almost lightless realm.

Kierlan refocused upon the silhouette walking in the darkness before him. What made the case especially ironic was the fact that he was also following someone else… the demon that he had tracked was walking just behind a teenage girl in the middle of Central Park.

message 33: by Laura (new)

Laura (xmagical) | 405 comments 4/5 I love the first line; that was hooking. And your descriptions are amazing. <33

I remember that day clearly; the image is forever frozen in my mind. Four years ago… Four years since that day when my world went black, as if someone had turned all the lights off forever.

message 34: by Kriss (last edited Mar 09, 2010 10:45AM) (new)

Kriss (krisslee) | 5015 comments Mod
4/5 I like it alot. The description of it is very mezmerizing, and it makes me wonder what happened to her that made her world go black.

When she got home, everything around her began crashing down.

She swallowed, and held that fragile peice of paper in her shaking hands. Kristin could hardly read the words between the fear and anger she felt—and the sense of abandonment. Betrayal. What were they thinking? How could they do such a thing…

message 35: by Laura (new)

Laura (xmagical) | 405 comments 4.5/5 Now I really wanna know what's on the paper that changed her world so much, how, and why? xD

A raven caws, circling as it slowly flies down to watch the scene below. The girl is running, her bare feet slapping down on the wet pavement. A silhouette follows close behind her, moving stealthily in the dark night,making no sound. The small window of light shining from the crescent moon shows the glint of metal in the shadow’s grip. Yet the girl runs on, her breath coming in short gasps now as she slows down.

message 36: by Kriss (new)

Kriss (krisslee) | 5015 comments Mod
4/5 The writing is beautiful, and I want to know why the girl is running o_o

The pencil moved fluidly across the piece of bare paper, the stark lines became an illustration beneath her command. Upward the pencil titled, curving as elegantly as a birds wing it descended once more. A form was materializing beneath that powerful instrument, becoming visible against the white of the sketch-paper was what appeared to be a person facing away. All that was visible in the swilling lines was a strong set of shoulders, and curling ringlets of hair that gently brushed the back of the boy’s neck. His face was half turned to the side, and the detail of quirking lips was shone, the gleam of his eyes dull and yet to be decided, but slowly coming into visibility were more defining features—the sharp angular curves of cheekbones, the strong set of the jaw. There was an almost wicked glint of malice captured in the boy’s posture, in the way he stood—like a lion on the lookout for prey. And then the pencil was moving more rapidly. Painting across the boy’s flesh of the back were tribal symbols, swirling marks that covered his upper-back and shoulders, descending to the boy’s elbows. They almost seemed to glow on the paper, but then suddenly a hand which held a ragged strip of cloth swept across the paper, dulling the formerly sharp illustration. The features became less clear, half ethereal and ever more mysterious. The boy was almost like a ghost.

message 37: by Laura (new)

Laura (xmagical) | 405 comments 5/5 Danggit, I can't give it more than five. >.>
I love love love your descriptions in that... Simply amazing. <33

I sit on the stone pillar, uncomfortably shifting my weight. The outline that I dare to call my wings flutter in the breeze, a constant reminder of what used to be, and what now is. I have been exiled here after the fire. Everyone expected that I would be exiled; I have always been what you would call a “problem child,” in my village, and I never was popular to begin with. Not that the wings helped or anything.

message 38: by Kriss (new)

Kriss (krisslee) | 5015 comments Mod
5/5 I loved it (: Why does she have wings? Why was she exiled? It sounds great.

It was like breathing through water.

It was impossible. It was a ragged breath of air that would never be able to feel right—like fire inhaled into my lung, incinerating them without warning; killing me. But I wasn’t dead. I was alive. I was breathing. How could it feel so much like I was dying?

Nothing made sense; a flower of darkness surrounded me. Twisted shadows that grinned down at me with macabre amusement, as if the pain that surfaced with my ragged breath and crazed expression was enough to make them smile—as if, it were something they delighted in. My pain. My misery.

message 39: by Mandy (new)

Mandy  Harmon (mandyharmon) | 10724 comments 5/5 really good!! but i would change the flower of darkness line. because flower sounds to nice. to flowy. you know?

here is a short excerpt from my story link (

“Well stop thinking.” Lady Tareen barked. “And get to work!”

“Does that mean I’m hired?”

“Yes, coal boy! Now hurry, my room I’m sure is chilling.”

Josh sauntered out of the room and then darted behind a musty curtain. Could it really be Marie? I was sure she was dead. Then again… He started as he saw the maid, Ally, who had escorted him to the room. He hugged the curtain tighter. Ally walked past without a glance in his direction. I was six. I could have made a mistake. She doesn’t have to be dead.

message 40: by Jasmine (new)

Jasmine (Lobymustard) | 19 comments 5/5 I love this! It's exciting and I already really like Josh! I'll check out the rest.

Me and my friends are writing a story together. Here's the end of the first part which i wrote

Both children froze as the deer looked from side to side and walked over to them. When it got close it looked around with just it's eyes and then looked right at them. It narrowed it's eyes and fixed it's gaze on the two. The children leaned back on their heals. The deer opened it's mouth and looked around again. Then it leaned in really close to the two bewitched youngsters and said ever so softly

"Follow me"

message 41: by LaNaria (last edited Mar 09, 2010 05:32PM) (new)

LaNaria (laenae) | 43 comments Jasmine wrote: "5/5 I love this! It's exciting and I already really like Josh! I'll check out the rest.

Me and my friends are writing a story together. Here's the end of the first part which i wrote

Both childre..."

Oozie oozie ooo...chills all over. Oh What will happen... I really am wondering? Though I'd love to know the direction you and your friends plain to be taking with this. Seems like a fairy tale.

message 42: by Aviva (new)

Aviva (newtimelord) 5/5 it makes me want to know why its not fine and it sounds interesting! nice hook!

message 43: by LaNaria (last edited Mar 11, 2010 08:14PM) (new)

LaNaria (laenae) | 43 comments this is a piece of -HORIZON- which could be a short book but I have no idea and am busy with so many things at the moment.

-Love & Time-

In the beginning it was discovered that only Time could measure the value of Love. For millenniums this was unknown by humans. To explain this to the Earth dwellers a place was created between every object charted and uncharted by man. As the universe expanded over millions of years this place grew with it, stretching and tarring so much that a human was needed to repair the holes that gaped in the fabric of this place.
It was decided that only a cloud could mend these holes and since clouds were free spirits a being would have to convince a cloud to do anything. And to talk to a cloud, you would have to understand a cloud. The job would take a Cloud Reader. But there was a problem with having a human Cloud Reader, to enter this unseen place you would have to be unbarred by time, which a human would be forever barred by. Sadly this major problem was ignored and Cloud Readers came unknowledgeable to this bother thrusted upon them.
After many visits Cloud Readers named this land Horizon, an imaginary light made by the sun’s rays that moves farther away as you walk towards it. They named it this because that line was thought to separate Earth from the Heavens.

you can check out the rest of my writing if you want?

message 44: by [deleted user] (new)

4/5. I think it would flow a bit better if you added a comma or two, and there are a few spelling errors. But I forgive you. =D

This is from a story... I'm struggling with the name. Haha.

He has to do this quickly, and he has to do it right.

message 45: by Kriss (new)

Kriss (krisslee) | 5015 comments Mod
5/5 I love that line. It's amazing: it has originality and it packs a punch, making me wonder what he has to do and why it's so important to do it quickly and correctly.

Here's one from Fallen:

For the first time she finally got a good view of his shadowed features. For the first time she managed to catch a hollow glimpse of what he looked like. He was beautiful, in a way it made her think of a fallen glory. He was scarred—broken, and she could see that from first glancing at him, but that didn’t make him any less formidable, in fact it made him seem even more dangerous. He was all shadows—there was so much darkness in his gaze. His hair was chin-length, layered, and a shade of raven black. His face was a natural pallor and the structure of his bones was somewhat regal—sharp edged and clear. It was his eyes though, that captured Kristin’s attention most.

They were an ethereal hue of molten silver-blue. A mixture of mercury seas and cerulean skies, forming one raging tempest of despair. She’d never once in her life, seen such cold eyes. Eyes that were so utterly cold, frozen to a point in which it seemed the arctic depths would surely shatter upon themselves—they were completely and utterly monotone, and yet in the same instant they were filled with so many emotions. Emotions, that were just beyond her ability to reach; he was there physically, but it seemed as if his mental mind wondered completely and utterly. As if he was looking upon the world through a haze of dreams and nightmares.

She’d never seen such utterly scarred eyes—they looked as if they’d seen all the horrors in the world and none of the ecstasy in it.

message 46: by Ellen (last edited Mar 12, 2010 01:23AM) (new)

Ellen 5/5 Wow. I like your description of his eyes; the way that Kristin judges him based on what his eyes seem to say about him. My favourite line is that last one.

She’d never seen such utterly scarred eyes—they looked as if they’d seen all the horrors in the world and none of the ecstasy in it.

Eek! Love it! It makes you wonder why he is the way he is. What has happened to him? Mysterioys and captivating. Your writing style shines out to me in this one especially.

Ummm... I'm currently working on a hook. So maybe another time, Lol. Just had to comment on that last line! AH!

message 47: by Aviva (new)

Aviva (newtimelord) yea It sounds really interesting

message 48: by [deleted user] (last edited Mar 12, 2010 02:26PM) (new)

Kriss, you crush my hopes and dreams of becoming a great writer. :P Stop being amazing.

I guess I'll post another one, since there's no hook above me. I've already done this one, but I changed it a little bit.

Rachel gasped theatrically (something she did on a regular basis). "Who are you and what have you done with Naomi Walters?"

message 49: by Laura (new)

Laura (xmagical) | 405 comments 4/5--It makes me wonder who Naomi is, why Rachel thinks this person has done something with Naomi, and why she gasps theatrically a lot. xD

“All hand on deck!” The familiar shout awakens me from my light slumber, and I tumble off the hammock with a groan. “What is it this time, Cap’n?” I ask Roberts as he walks by.

He smiles slightly as he loads his pistol with practiced expertise. “Royal Navy’s been spotted,” he replies shortly, his attention obviously elsewhere. “Nothing to worry about. I hope," he adds under his breath.

message 50: by [deleted user] (new)

5/5. I definitely like it. XD

Umm... Oh!

I have a theory.

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