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Nathan's Writing > Hollywood

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message 1: by Nathan (new)

Nathan | 19 comments Hollywood

You can't see stars in Hollywood
As the lights are far too bright
Neon is a poor substitute
In the middle of the night


message 2: by [deleted user] (new)

I love the idea pf the poem, as people claim that all the "stars" are in Hollywood, yet they are drowned in other light. I'd recommend syllable revision on the last 2 lines for a better flow, but I love the main theme!!


message 3: by Nathan (new)

Nathan | 19 comments Hi Julane,

You're absolutely right. How's this?

You can't see stars in Hollywood
As the lights are far too bright
Neon is depressing
In the middle of the night


message 4: by [deleted user] (new)

Again, I love it, and don't take my constructive criticism the wrong way, but I feel the first was better, in terms of flow... :)


message 5: by Sorarin (new)

Sorarin | 569 comments Hmm. I think what would help is making it longer. Four lines is good, but having more would give it meat and have it more pleasing to the eye and mind. So instead of changing it, add more. Sound good? Regardless, your poem is lovely. Keep up the good work.


message 6: by Nathan (new)

Nathan | 19 comments Thank you Julane, you're right, the first was better.

Sora, I wanted it to be a small poem but maybe some expansion is needed.

Thank you both.


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