Query Letter Critique

[Jacob]

I am not quite at the point where I am ready to start querying yet, however, I was hoping I could get some feedback on this query letter I put together. I am still working on comps.

EDIT: Updated Query

Dear [Agent],

Complete at 77000 words, I am presenting my debut novel The Ballad of Maribel Blake. It is a standalone Adult Historical Romance Fiction set in Texas from 1968 through 1970 and will appeal to readers of [Comps].

Life is just as complicated as the people who occupy it...

Maribel Anne Blake is the precocious 16-year-old daughter of Cataline Blake. Mari hates the way her mother treats men. When Cataline dies in an accident, it leaves Mari in the care of her 27-year-old stepfather, Norman Edward Blake; they barely know each other. After Cataline’s death, Mari feels nothing, and struggles, believing something inside her is broken.

Mari and Norman settle into their new life in the aftermath of her mother’s death, and Mari discovers how little she knew about her mother. Then a chance encounter in the bathroom, where they see each other naked, leaves Mari smitten, while Norman is embarrassed and conflicted. Mari sees a handsome and honest man of unimpeachable character in Norman Blake and falls in love.

Mari is determined to break the trend of her prestigious old-money Southern family and marry for love, rather than live a miserable existence married to a stranger for a business alliance. Mari is tested by Norman’s strong Catholic principles, which drive him to reject her advances. Ultimately, a catastrophic loss forces them to overcome the wedge driven between them by their shared grief or face losing one another forever.

[Ella]

Hi Jacob!

With query letters, you really want to stick to focusing on one character - by mentioning Mari, Norman, and then both their perspectives, it felt like I was reading the plot of three different novels and I had to reread the letter a few times to fully grasp the entire plotline. Even if the MS swaps between the perspectives of Mari and Norman, you only need to zero in on one of them for the query. Based on what you've written here, it seems like more events in the story occur around Mari (especially since the title has her name in it), so she might be the better one to focus on.

There are also a LOT of conflicts mentioned here. You don't need to write out the entire plot - that's what the synopsis is for. Instead, focus on the main conflict: what event is truly driving the course of the story? Mari being assaulted, Mari wanting to help another couple, Mari being pregnant, or something else entirely? The listed conflicts are too general for an agent to really get an idea of what the story is. The start of the letter also feels like it's building up to a completely different type of conflict since it appears that the conflict will impact whether Mari and Norman get into a relationship; however, we're told Mari "eventually wins him over" so that squashes any suspense there is surrounding the status of their relationship. There should be some sort of feeling of suspense, but by the end of the letter, it felt like I had read the entire MS. You have to make the agent feel like they NEED to know what happens. There's a sense of intrigue in your story that you as the author are aware of, but you need to make that intrigue bleed into the query!

Hopefully this bit of feedback is helpful! :)

[Jacob]

Ella wrote: "Hi Jacob!

With query letters, you really want to stick to focusing on one character - by mentioning Mari, Norman, and then both their perspectives, it felt like I was reading the plot of three di..."

Hi!

Thank you for the feedback!

The primary conflict through most of the book is between Mari and Norman relating to his principles.

There is a section in the second act, where family conflict is introduced and briefly shines a little brighter than the conflict between Mari and Norman; however, that goes away by the third act, where the conflict between Mari and Norman returns on a rampage.

Mari tends to have a way of finding trouble, and Norman pulls her out of a few rough spots along the way, but those are all minor events that run tangential to the conflict between them.

So, just to summarize:

Emphasize main conflict

Stick to Mari's perspective (she is the main protagonist, the perspective changes, but about 70%-ish of the book is her point of view).

Less divulging, more intrigue.

I can make some adjustments there! Thanks for the help!

[Jacob]

Ella wrote: "Hi Jacob!

With query letters, you really want to stick to focusing on one character - by mentioning Mari, Norman, and then both their perspectives, it felt like I was reading the plot of three di..."

I updated the original post with a new version of the letter based on your feedback.