Feedback on fantasy query letter

[Juliet]

Update:
Is this any better? I made quite a few adjustments.
2nd POSTED QUERY-AFTER SUGGESTED CHANGES

Dear Agent

When 20-year-old Liana discovered she was a witch, the last thing on her mind was time travel, summer school, midnight black-market purchases, or how to best qualm morning sickness, but with her newfound family and friends to keep safe, she’s had to adapt quickly and become quite the formidable witch.

Saved not once, but twice from vampires by two quarrelsome brother wizards, Charlie and Fabian Fervory, Liana is introduced to the world of magia. She quickly learns it is fraught by the much darker musta magia and worst of all, a powerful and centuries old demonic witch by the name of Delora Sombra. Delora has been searching for a series of 13 volumes from each of the original 13 magia families for years, and when Charlie and Fabian’s father tried to run, he lost his own life, leaving them completely parentless. Before Liana realizes that she herself is descended from one of the 13 families, she finds a series of the volumes hidden away and decides to protect them from Delora, not yet knowing the role they have to play in her past and future.

Pulled backwards through time and separated from her two new friends, she soon finds herself pregnant with Charlie (the very same) and discovers the truth of her lineage as an Ardor witch. Stuck in the past, she decides to take on a summer placement at Lockwebb Academy of Magia Arts, and from brewing vampire deterrent to trying to keep her defense professor (soon to be a father) and dabbler in dark magics alive, she has never been busier. Finding time to track down more volumes could be tricky when she has practical exams coming up, and her future could very well be on the line if she fails to come through unscathed.

A WITCH THROUGH TIME is an Adult Fantasy complete at 111,500 words, and is the first in a planned series. It is a magic-filled novel that is grounded in the mundane, with some elements of the paranormal and a subplot of non-explicit romance that leaves the majority of intimacy to the imagination.

When not writing, I spend a lot of time hopping around on her forearm crutches, cooking, and watching Charmed. As a disabled writer, I spend plenty of time with text to speech applications and my pink large format keyboard to help me edit and get my stories onto paper. I live with my husband, mother-in-law, and occasionally, a very nosy black neighborhood cat.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best,
Author

1st POSTED QUERY-BEFORE CHANGES

Dear Agent,

Born into one of the 13 main families of the magia world, Liana's birth was a secret. Desperate to keep her safe, her mother placed Liana with a non-magical family who would never know she was not their own. After 20 years spent in the dark and just hours after discovering that magic exists, Liana discovers that she has powers of her very own. She is whisked off by two quarrelsome brother wizards, Charlie and Fabian Fervory, who help her realize that she is just like them, a witch, and a powerful one at that.
Thrust into her new life, she finds her new world to be fraught with musta magia searching for a series of powerful magical volumes that she is more than willing to protect.

Before long, Liana is pulled backwards through time and separated from her two new friends, leading to a few rash decisions that have her life taking a series of shocking turns. Not only does she discover the truth of her lineage, but that Charlie and Fabian's father is the very wizard she met the previous night, and the math is all starting to add up to one hard to ignore conclusion.

Liana takes on a summer placement at Lockwebb Academy of Magia Arts, and from brewing vampire deterrent to trying to keep the soon to be father and dabbler in dark magics alive, she has never been busier. On top of it all, she has practical exams coming up, and stuck in the past, her future could very well be on the line if she fails.

A WITCH THROUGH TIME is an Adult Fantasy complete at 111,500 words, and is the first in a planned series. It is a magic-filled novel that is grounded in the mundane, with some elements of the paranormal and a subplot of non-explicit romance that leaves the majority of intimacy to the imagination.

When not writing, I spend a lot of time hopping around on my forearm crutches, cooking, and watching Charmed. As a disabled writer, I spend plenty of time with text to speech applications and my pink large format keyboard to help me edit and get my stories onto paper. I live with my husband, mother-in-law, and occasionally, a very nosy black neighborhood cat.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best,
Author

[Nikolow]

Hi Juliet,

May I suggest giving the description of your story backwards. *smiles

Right now you are focused on the details , and a story emerging from it. It is like a map, with Liana turning left, then right, then a jump, then followed by a left turn again, then left, left, then forward for a bit, then...

But, in my opinion that does not grab the reader (agent).

Thus my suggestion is this: Start with your story in one sentence. One sentence that will grab the interest of anyone hearing/reading it.

Then do it in 2 sentences, and so on until you have it unfurled. What that method forces you to do, is to focus you on the most important element(s) and expand on them, rather then giving a series of elements that are not connected as is the case now (in my opinion).

So for example right now you start with "Born into one of the 13 main families of the magia world..." but you never come back to this. This story element plays no role. Thus are the 13 families important? Does the story flow around them and their maneuverings? Their plotting? Not really, as the story immediately moves in another direction.


And it is like this all the time. one sentence, then a new direction. Like: "searching for a series of powerful magical volumes," and then we never hear about those books again because what? Yep, the story has twisted again.

So when you force your self to start with one sentence, you need to focus on your story and what is the most important thread in it. And you expand from there. Building from it. But because it is only one sentence at the start, it has also to grab the reader. grab them hard (hook them. Thus your synopsis needs a 'hook' to start with and that's the other feedback from me).

Plus make it fun, playful. So the agent interest is held from that first breath.

To give you an example - from everything you wrote, something like this would be fun and comes to mind:

"Just in line with her luck, at twenty, Liana is stuck in the past with a nosy black neighborhood cat, two vampires and her magic hat."

Now we need to expand on the elements given in that opening. What are they? The elements are: A main character, A new world, Magic, Vampires, and a sense of Wit and Humor (which you have). Then everything that follows unfolds from those elements and hopefully in the first sentence we have grabbed the reader attention and fired their imagination.

Now You need to decide what really is at the core of your story and do the same - splash it in one sentence, a hook, and build from there.


Hope something helps.
Mika Nikolow

[Fyri]

I had to take it over to a google doc to better get my feedback. I hope that is okay.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1X...

[Juliet]

Fyri wrote: "I had to take it over to a google doc to better get my feedback. I hope that is okay.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1X..."

Thank you so much! I also thought that the original was better than the second, but it had been torn apart so much before that I just didn't know what to think.

[Nikolow]

Hi Juliet.

I will answer your mail message here, so others may provide additional viewpoints if they wish.

I think that you have moved things around in your second draft. Is it better?

My point is for you to take a step back from the twists of the story, and write a query from there, rather then rearrange the story twists as I see in the second draft.


From Fyri valuable comments above, I would point this one standing out:

"Wait. So what is this book about? School and job work, or hiding from a Dark Witch? Or, tracking down more volumes of the magical tomes?"

I would point out that currently we, and thus the agent, would not know what your book is about. Perhaps?





Lets do an example. People take Star Wars, the first movie for such use, because of its tight plot (IV – A New Hope).

In it we could say the story is about:

The Princess ship is attacked and boarded by the Imperial forces, but she manages to smuggle away a message carried by two droids As the droids land on the planet below, they get separated and then some scavengers ambush them but then... etc.

Ok, you see the point. This is the story turns. It is fairly accurate, but would this be a good presentation to grab any ones interest? An agent?


My point is you can enrich the above. For example add that Darth Vader also boarded the ship....the princess was captured.... etc. But adding things and rearranging is not what is needed here. Rather a new approach in telling what the story is about.

My initial suggestion was for you to focus on one sentence that describes the story and grabs the reader/agent.

So if we use our example from above, lets try this: "As Imperial forces complete the building of the ultimate weapon capable of destroying star systems, a farm boy from a desert planet needs to rise and help his friends to defeat the ascending Imperial evil."

That's our one sentence. You could do even better.

Then we add and add more detail. It comes to my mind things like - "by leading a desperate attack on the Imperial Death star". Maybe we can include something about "trusting the force" and "X fighters", maybe that is cool..... we should mention the princess maybe.... etc.

And thus we expand the narrative. Incorporating key elements, and showing the story in broad strokes, rather then detailed twists and turns.

That is my suggestion.

Now from your second draft: "Pulled backwards through time and separated from her two new friends, she soon finds herself pregnant with Charlie (the very same) and discovers the truth of her lineage as an Ardor witch. Stuck in the past, she decides to take on a summer placement at Lockwebb Academy..."

I would say, you are still among the trees. pull back and describe to us the forest. Starting by one sentence about what your story is about. then build from there.

Something like: "In a world of magic and wonder, Liana finds her self on the adventure of her lifetime, as... " etc.

So relax. if you like your original story description stick with it and ignore my advice. But you may find elements that make you grow as a writer if you try the above. Perhaps.


M. Nikolow