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Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Beyond the Depths, Horror, Query
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Hi,I think you've got a good start on a query. Your lead-in sentence captures the attention, and the following paragraph sets up the setting and hints at the plot.
The third paragraph, though, needs more detail. For instance:
"a fellow passenger becomes gravely injured": how? is it an accident or is one of the creatures responsible?
"Cynthia votes to keep them onboard but becomes unsure if she made the right decision": why did she vote to keep them? How close was the vote & was she the tie-breaker? Why is she second-guessing? Is it causing conflict within the group, or are there places they need to go where the injured person can't go? Or maybe he's just a jerk who can't get along? (See how the different scenarios would play out?)
"the survivors discover hidden temples": Gives me a "Temple of Doom" vibe, but I'm not sure why it's important or how it connects to the escape plan. If it's a major point in the story, it needs to mesh with the other info you're giving us. If it's just one of many things they find, I'd suggest leaving it out.
"Cynthia struggles to keep her fellow passengers alive": Has she taken on sole responsibility? Isn't anyone helping her? What are the threats they face? Are any coming from inside the group?
Finally, once you've set up more specifics, what will happen to Cynthia (and the others) if they don't succeed in getting out? Are you talking about death, slavery, zombiedisation (if that's a word) or something else?
I like the last phrase a lot, but I think you need a more specific closer. Maybe it can be worked into the query a little earlier.
Hope this helps. Best of luck!
Gifford wrote: "Hi,I think you've got a good start on a query. Your lead-in sentence captures the attention, and the following paragraph sets up the setting and hints at the plot.
The third paragraph, though, n..."
Thank you so much for the feedback! I completely agree. Will try to emphasize those points. I'll paste my revised version.
Cynthia Ross takes her last train through the New York subway, but she never expected it could be the last time she’d see sunlight.
Looking for a new start in life, twenty-four-year-old Cynthia leaves behind everything she’s known — her home, her job, her drug-addicted parents—seeking to escape it all and focus on her budding music career. But her hopes plummet with the train into a cavernous abyss. Shaken and confused, the survivors find themselves in an unknown world of labyrinthine ecosystems filled with bizarre and deadly humanoid creatures.
When one creature breaks through the train and bites an unruly passenger, the survivors face the dilemma of keeping them in the group or leaving them behind to their fate. Cynthia votes to keep them onboard, not wanting to see anyone left behind, but becomes unsure if she made the right decision as the bite becomes more and more infected. Disembarking to find a way back to the surface world, the survivors discover worshipers of the ungodly beasts willing to sacrifice them. Cynthia, and another passenger named Lance, struggle to keep their fellow passengers alive as they seek escape and avoid the monstrous creatures and worshippers. But they quickly find out how monstrous humans themselves can be when their life is on the line.
I like this much better. I can now see the goal and the stakes, and a little more of Cynthia's personality. The temples are now tied in nicely as well.I think you might break the second paragraph after "infected". I've seen many agents say they read queries while commuting, so a bit of white space is a benefit if they're using a phone or tablet.
A couple of grammar-related notes:
First sentence, second paragraph: the first em-dash needs to be connected to the words before and after, just like you did with the second one.
Last sentence: humans (plural), themselves (plural), their (plural), life (singular), is (singular). Believe all of these should be plurals. If not, they've still got to agree. And I'm not sure "themselves" adds anything to the sentence.
Best of luck!
Cynthia Ross takes her last train through the New York subway, but she never expected it could be the last time she’d see sunlight.Nice opening line. You've introduced the character, setup, and stakes very well in a single sentence.
Looking for a new start in life, twenty-four-year-old Cynthia leaves behind everything she’s known — her home, her job, her drug-addicted parents—seeking to escape it all and focus on her budding music career.
Some needless repetition here: "leaves behind everything she's known" and "escape it all" provides the same information twice, and in a query you need to be succinct.
But her hopes plummet with the train into a cavernous abyss.
Great line!
Shaken and confused, the survivors find themselves in an unknown world of labyrinthine ecosystems filled with bizarre and deadly humanoid creatures.
Good setup. You could possibly get rid of the phrase "an unknown world of", since it doesn't add anything.
When one creature breaks through the train and bites an unruly passenger, the survivors face the dilemma of keeping them in the group or leaving them behind to their fate.
How is the passenger "unruly"? Does it really matter that the passenger is "unruly" at this point?
Who is "them"? The creature and the passenger? The passenger alone (is this person nonbinary or do we not know their gender for some reason)? A group of passengers?
Cynthia votes to keep them onboard, not wanting to see anyone left behind, but becomes unsure if she made the right decision as the bite becomes more and more infected.
Why does Cynthia get the deciding vote? Who gave a 24-year-old musician this power?
Disembarking to find a way back to the surface world, the survivors discover worshipers of the ungodly beasts willing to sacrifice them.
Slightly confusing here. Do they find their way to the surface world before discovering the worshipers? Seems unlikely, but that's how it initially reads.
Cynthia, and another passenger named Lance, struggle to keep their fellow passengers alive as they seek escape and avoid the monstrous creatures and worshippers.
Why is Lance important? Why do he and Cynthia get the task of keeping their fellow passengers alive, instead of being part of the overall "stay alive and get out of here" effort?
But they quickly find out how monstrous humans themselves can be when their life is on the line.
Gifford has already pointed out the singular/plural issue here, but if you clear this up, it's a great line to finish on!
Just one person's opinion. Take what you need and leave the rest. Best of luck.
Thanks for all the great feedback. Will post my updated query and let me know what you think!When Cynthia Ross boards her last train through the New York subway, she never expected it would be the last time she’d see sunlight.
Looking for a new start in life, twenty-four-year-old Cynthia leaves behind everything she’s known—her home, her job, her drug-addicted parents—seeking to focus on her budding music career. But her hopes plummet with the train into a cavernous abyss. Shaken and confused, Cynthia and the other survivors find themselves in a labyrinthine of ecosystems filled with bizarre and deadly humanoid creatures.
With the survivors in a panic, Cynthia struggles to overcome everyone's differences in the group on what to do. And when a creature breaks through the train and bites a passenger, it only complicates matters as to whether or not they keep them in the group or leave them behind to their fate. Not wanting to see anyone left behind, Cynthia is among those who vote to keep them on the train, as is Lance, the self-proclaimed leader of the group who tries to see the good in everyone, but Cynthia becomes unsure about the decision as the bite becomes more infected. With diminishing resources, they disembark the train to find a way back to the surface, soon discovering temples filled with worshipers of the ungodly beasts willing to sacrifice them.
Cynthia has tried her entire life to run away from her problems, but now she'll have to fight for her life and escape the worshippers before becoming the next sacrifice. To do so, Cynthia, Lance, and the passengers have to put their differences aside and work together, but Cynthia quickly finds out how monstrous humans can be when their lives are on the line.
I'm seeing a lot of improvement here. In the main paragraph, though, I have a bit of trouble with some of the phrasing."Cynthia struggles to overcome everyone's differences in the group on what to do"
This seems as if she's trying to get them all to agree on any course of action, but in the original query, she was trying to persuade them to stay together. And you do say that later in the query, so I'd suggest going back to the wording in the second version.
"it only complicates matters as to whether or not they keep them in the group or leave them behind to their fate"
If you add Cynthia wanting them to stay together to the previous sentence, this sentence can end at "matters" and you'll still have all you need. (It would lower your word count too, always a good thing in a query.)
"Lance, the self-proclaimed leader of the group who tries to see the good in everyone"
Not sure you need anything after "group" here, as it doesn't seem to connect to anything else.
Also, the last paragraph indicates Cynthia always runs away from her problems, but at the beginning, it seems to say she's 24 before she actually does that. A bit of confusion there, so maybe that initial phrase isn't really necessary. Perhaps tie the entire group into the struggle, as you do in the next sentence.
One grammar note: "labyrinthine" is an adjective, but has no object in the second paragraph. It could be either "of a labyrinth of ecosystems" or "of labyrinthine ecosystems" (as you had before).
You're doing a nice job. Best of luck!
Awesome. I really enjoy this suggestions and really see it coming together. Thank you!When Cynthia Ross boards her last train through the New York subway, she never expected it would be the last time she’d see sunlight.
Looking for a new start in life, twenty-four-year-old Cynthia leaves behind everything she’s known—her home, her job, her drug-addicted parents—seeking to focus on her budding music career. But her hopes plummet with the train into a cavernous abyss. Shaken and confused, Cynthia and the other survivors find themselves in labyrinthine ecosystems filled with bizarre and deadly humanoid creatures.
With the survivors in a panic, chaos ensues, especially when a creature breaks through the train and bites a passenger, only complicating matters. Not wanting to see anyone left behind, Cynthia is among those who vote to keep them on the train, as is Lance, the self-proclaimed leader of the group, but Cynthia becomes unsure about the decision as the bite becomes increasingly infected. With diminishing resources, they disembark the train to find a way back to the surface, soon discovering temples filled with worshipers of the ungodly beasts willing to sacrifice them.
Cynthia has tried so hard to run away from her problems, only to find herself in a bigger one. Now, she'll have to fight for her life and escape the worshippers before becoming the next sacrifice. To do so, Cynthia, Lance, and the other passengers have to put their differences aside and work together, but Cynthia quickly finds out how monstrous humans can be when their lives are on the line.
This is much more clear on all levels. Good job!
Cynthia Ross takes her last train through the New York subway, but she never expected it could be the last time she’d see sunlight.
Looking for a new start in life, twenty-four-year-old Cynthia leaves behind everything she’s known — her home, her job, her drug-addicted parents—seeking to escape it all and focus on her budding music career. But her hopes plummet with the train into a cavernous abyss. Shaken and confused, the survivors find themselves in an unknown world of labyrinthine ecosystems filled with bizarre and deadly humanoid creatures.
When a fellow passenger becomes gravely injured, the survivors face the dilemma of keeping them in the group or leaving them behind to their fate. Cynthia votes to keep them onboard but becomes unsure if she made the right decision as they disembark to find a way back to the surface world. Amidst their venture, the survivors discover hidden temples filled with worshipers of the ungodly beasts. Cynthia struggles to keep her fellow passengers alive as they seek escape but quickly finds out how monstrous humans themselves can be.