QUERY LETTER HELP!

[Sonia]

Hi! This is my first novel and I have no prior writing experience/credentials. Would love all constructive comments and critiques to my query letter!


Dear (AGENT),

I am seeking representation for my 110,000-word women’s fiction novel, FOREVER MY KING set within the fictional port kingdom of Dileas Mooring. This manuscript will appeal to readers of A COURT OF THORNS AND ROSES who enjoy vast world-building and low-fantasy elements while also inviting readers who appreciate uplifting romance and historical fiction similar to that of Francine Rivers’ MARK OF THE LION series.


Clarke Abner had never considered herself a lucky person. Abandoned by her father and left with a mother who cared more for finding her next drink than providing their next meal, Clarke learned quickly that luck was out of the question. She was content to spend whatever days she had left scraping for a living, caring for her mother, and silently loathing their apathetic king.

But when her mother’s gambling lands them indebted to a man notorious for taking the lives of his debtors, Clarke has no choice but venture to the northern half of their isle kingdom, Dileas Mooring, where wealth and treachery abound. Clarke finds herself at risk of losing a lot more than she bargains for when a strange man saves her and sets in motion events that flip her simple world on its head.

When her mother strikes up a relationship with this powerful man, James, Clarke is skeptical of his intentions. With her mother’s best interests in mind, Clarke does all she can to break up the unlikely couple. Her imaginative and somewhat unlawful scheming backfires when James proposes to her mother and reveals himself to be none other than Tobias James McIntyre, king of Dileas Mooring.

Amidst Clarke’s shock and anger, she is swept up in the world of the king and his unlikely Court. She can’t help but call into question everything she believed to be true when faced with ceaseless patience, inexplicable grace, and unending love.


As a pediatric nurse in the ICU, I have seen first-hand unbearable heartbreaks and miraculous recoveries. Though our broken world is filled with sickness and evil, there is good in unexpected places and joy that can be found amidst confusion and pain. This story is meant to embody feelings that words often don’t do justice amidst a whimsical yet tangible world.

Thank you in advance for your consideration and I’ll look forward to hearing from you soon.

Best regards,
xxx

[Kwesi]

Your query is very good but too long, most agents want at most 300 words. When writing your query, think about how to fit the most information with the least number of words. You aim to be concise. I tried rewriting your query to fit it into 300 words.
I am seeking representation for my 110,000-word women's fiction novel, FOREVER MY KING, set in the captivating port kingdom of Dileas Mooring. This manuscript will engage fans of A COURT OF THORNS AND ROSES with its expansive world-building and low-fantasy elements, while attracting readers of heartfelt romance and historical fiction similar to Francine Rivers' MARK OF THE LION series.

Clarke Abner, raised by a neglectful mother and without a father, never believed in luck. Resigned to a life of scraping by, her world is upended when her mother's gambling debts endanger them. Forced to venture into the perilous northern realm of Dileas Mooring, Clarke encounters wealth and deceit.

When a mysterious man named James rescues Clarke and starts a relationship with her mother, she becomes suspicious. Determined to protect her mother, Clarke devises plans to separate them, only for her schemes to backfire when James proposes and reveals himself as King Tobias James McIntyre of Dileas Mooring. Thrust into the king's world, Clarke's long-held beliefs are tested by his unwavering patience, infinite grace, and unconditional love.

As a pediatric ICU nurse, I have experienced heartbreak and miraculous recoveries firsthand. This story strives to express the emotions that words often fail to capture, set against the backdrop of a mesmerizing and vivid world.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[Fiona]

I like your ideas. You've obviously put a lot of thought into the worldbuilding and emotional stakes. Clarke seems to be an interesting and sympathetic character. But this query needs work to do your story justice.

This doesn't appear to fit into the "women's fiction" genre. I would market it as Fantasy.

Comparable titles normally come near the end of a query.

Tighten your query by avoiding repetition e.g. "Clarke Abner had never considered herself a lucky person" is followed soon after by "Clarke learned quickly that luck was out of the question", and you only need one of these.

On initial reading, I thought the "man notorious for taking the lives of his debtors" and "this powerful man, James" were the same person. Clarify this.

Is Clarke a teenager or an adult? The reader's reaction to her behaviour may be different depending on her stage of life.

What type of world is this? It seems like our own in many ways, except with kings that have real power. What makes the place "whimsical yet tangible"?

Try to be less vague and focus on details that make your world specific and real. For example, Clarke spends her days "scraping for a living" -- doing what? Waiting tables? Wheeling and dealing? Hunting? Minor theft? Prostitution?
She finds herself "at risk of losing a lot more than she bargains" -- what will she lose? The king has an "unlikely Court" -- what makes it unlikely?

See also https://www.janefriedman.com/query-le... for some good tips.

Hope this helps. Take what is useful and discard the rest, and best of luck :)