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Relina Skye
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Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query > Blurb Help Please!

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message 1: by Relina (new)

Relina Skye (relinaskye) | 69 comments Hi everyone! My book, "Hailstorm" is due to drop in a few days. However, since I'm a history major, and not an english major I'm not sure which version of the blurb is more grammatically correct. I don't want to risk losing readers due to my inability to figure this out. The novel itself was looked over by two separate editors, so I'm not worried about that.

Please let me know which one is better.

Thank you in advance!
Relina

Version One:

Clementine Journey Hail, woke up to find herself in the middle of a nightmare. Trapped within her own body, she overheard two vampires negotiating over the prices of their latest stock. Little did they realize that she was conscious and fighting to recover her movement. It's only after she is purchased and carted onto a train that she can safely try to escape. But she was not alone. One of the other purchased girls was with her on the train. Both girls risked it all to get away from a certain deadly fate.

Paxton Summers and his brother, graduate students in Ironwall University's Demigod Hunters Program, were out to prove themselves. Their main mission is to track down rogue mythos and fae who would break the laws that kept the various countries of Edra at peace. But part of their training has to deal with going on quests. While attempting to locate the Sword of Freyr, the brothers stumble upon more than they ever hoped to find.
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Version Two:

Clementine Journey Hail, awakens to find herself in the middle of a nightmare. Trapped within her own body, she overhears two vampires negotiating over the prices of their latest stock. Little do they realize that she is conscious and fighting to recover her movement. It's only after she is purchased and carted onto a train that she can safely try to escape. But she's not alone. One of the other purchased girls is with her on the train. Both girls risk it all to get away from a certain deadly fate.

Paxton Summers and his brother are graduate students in Ironwall University's Demigod Hunters Program. Their main mission is to track down rogue mythos and fae who would break the laws keeping the various countries of Edra at peace. But part of their training has to deal with going on quests. While attempting to locate the Sword of Freyr, the brothers stumble upon more than they ever hoped to find.
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message 2: by [deleted user] (new)

Version Two is definitely better...

Jim Dodds


message 3: by Lena (new)

Lena | 172 comments Mod
The second one is better, but honestly, they are both a little dry. Is there any way you could spice them up a bit?


message 4: by Relina (last edited Feb 02, 2015 09:32AM) (new)

Relina Skye (relinaskye) | 69 comments Is this better?

Version Three:

Clemmie Hail awakens to find herself in the middle of a human trafficking ring. The buyers not only want her body, but her blood. Can she escape from a certain deadly fate?

Demigods Paxton Summers and his brother were on an impossible quest to find the lost Sword of Freyr. Using their particular set of skills they divert their attention to protect their new found friends from bounty hunters.


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