What's the Name of That Book??? discussion

Just to chat > Is it rude...

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message 1: by Mindy (new)

Mindy Jones (mindyrecycles) | 86 comments when someone goes to the effort of suggesting a book title, and the OP responds along the lines of "NOPE not even close!" I'm always taken aback. Seems really rude to me.

Of course we have all seen guesses where one has to wonder if the commenter even read the original description. lol I'm sure it's tempting to respond with a dismissal but I personally think any sincerely offered suggestion should be graciously acknowledged. It's not that hard.

message 2: by MJ (new)

MJ | 1355 comments I don't have a problem with it. I can see where you're coming from, and it would be easy enough for them to type different words, but they aren't having a dig at anyone IMO. They're just acknowledging the suggestion and letting everyone know that's not the book they were looking for - or any others that are similar - in the quickest way possible.

I figure most of the time people don't have enough time or thoughts to be having a go at anyone... They are just looking for whatever it is they want. The Internet being the anonymous free for all that it is, the ones that are having a go feel no restraint in really getting a dig in. It would be nothing so polite as nope.

message 3: by Tytti (last edited Feb 01, 2015 09:24AM) (new)

Tytti | 190 comments Well, the way I see it you can think of it as rude and feel bad for it or choose not to. I come from a culture where things are usually said as they are and people in general know not to take things personally when they are not about personal things. Of course depending on the situation it might be nice to get some feedback why "it's not close" but... Besides, not all of us are writing in our native language, though I would probably be even more blunt and straight-forward if I were.

message 4: by Edward (new)

Edward | 43 comments As in the Tom Waits song, "Go ahead and take this the wrong way" I know I can't control how people feel about what I say but I do try to qualify it so at least they might understand where I'm coming from. But I do get annoyed when I post a question and mention in the posting that it is not a specific book and someone suggests it anyway. Clearly they have not read the posting.

message 5: by Kathryn (new)

Kathryn (sscarllet) | 254 comments I also think its a bit rude, but I don't take it personally, if that makes any sense.

Charlotte (Buried in Books) | 11 comments The only time I've made a comment when rejecting a recommendation is when its a book I've already read. I say it as politely as I can, but it annoys me that the person hasn't taken the time to check my bookshelves. I think they just recommend them to all their friends.

☯ DαякєηRнαℓ  ❛ ᶜʳᵒᵘᶜʰᶤᶰᵍ ʰᵘᵐᵃᶰ ; ʰᶤᵈᵈᵉᶰ ᵗᶤᵗᵃᶰ ❜   (darkhearteternal) | 853 comments I once helped someone find their book. They didn't even say thanks. I commented once more, testing it out, but it was as if this person was speaking to an audience and I was not even there. I thought that was not cool. Otherwise I don't think it's rude per say, but I mean a thanks is nice. At least someone tried you know. But otherwise I personally am not put off. I even say sorry for it not being it ^^ Then again I'm a sucker...

message 8: by Tytti (new)

Tytti | 190 comments Though checking somebody's bookshelves isn't really made too simple so I wouldn't really expect people to do that. Besides, others who have not read the book might be interested in the same subject and grateful for the suggestion.

message 9: by Mindy (new)

Mindy Jones (mindyrecycles) | 86 comments Well no one has done it to me yet so I'm not taking it personally either. And the people I've seen get snapped at aren't making stupid suggestions that I've seen although of course I haven't read every single post.

It doesn't take any more words to be gracious than to be dismissive.

message 10: by LauraW (new)

LauraW (lauralynnwalsh) | 374 comments I have never checked someone else's bookshelves. I guess I never thought of it - considering it none of my business. But I guess if they are looking for recommendations, it might be useful.

message 11: by Tytti (new)

Tytti | 190 comments I have often felt that saying others are rude is actually more rude than anything else that has been said in the discussion before that. I rather save that for people who are intentionally "rude" (I actually hate that word) but I don't really see a point in saying that either. If the book is "not even close", then it isn't. Some people are just more direct and there is nothing wrong with that.

message 12: by Nyssa (new)

Nyssa | 34 comments "Not even close" is quite abrupt and unhelpful, really.
Okay its not even close, but the person is not going to say why, or give suggestions, more info, even tidbits on how those helping can maybe get closer, since they are in fact trying to help?

I can see how the response can come across as being rude.

If I'm asking someone to help me, not only am I going to be as polite as possible, I will also try to help them, help me, as much as possible.

"This isn't what I'm looking, the publication date is wrong, the book is much newer than that."
"This isn't it, the synopsis doesn't match - here is where its different." "No, thats not it, I've never heard of the author before."

All of which would end with a "Thank You" to the person who was searching.

message 13: by ``Laurie (new)

``Laurie (laurielynette) | 1039 comments Mindy, I often wonder whatever happened to good manners. I'm the type that always thanks a waitress when she refills my cup of coffee, just the way I was brought up. Unfortunately it doesn't seem that good manners are considered necessary anymore. What a shame. I don't think it's too much to ask that someone behave in a civilized fashion. Maybe a lot of rude people just weren't taught any better at home? Sad.

message 14: by Mindy (new)

Mindy Jones (mindyrecycles) | 86 comments Saying "It's not my fault if you took it wrong" or "It's rude of one person to say another person is rude" are conversation enders. Who can ever protest anyone else's behavior, if those arguments win the day?

I agree that if someone is mildly IMO rude and I aggressively got up in their face about it, I would be the more rude of the two. However here I have introduced a general discussion, I haven't called out a particular person.

Just for the record, I only use the Unsolved board, so I can't say what goes on in the Requests for Books board. But in the Unsolved discussions, there are a surprising number of disdainful responses to suggested solutions, which is not to say the majority of responses are not perfectly civil.

My simple suggestion is that if person 1 has taken the time and effort to try to solve a problem for person 2, the least person 2 can do is respond civilly.

message 15: by Lobstergirl, au gratin (new)

Lobstergirl | 38279 comments Mod
Yes, it is rude. It's not really that much extra effort to type "thank you." And even if the suggestion was way off, another person was trying to help. Use your manners.

message 16: by Kathryn (new)

Kathryn (sscarllet) | 254 comments I don't look at peoples shelves when I suggest things -I just throw out ideas that I've read that will hopfully fit what the requestor would like. I don't expect anyone to look at my shelves if I make a blanket request either.

I think the thing that acutally bugs me is that when I post a book I'm looking for I very seriously want to find it. When someone just responds 'not even close' it seems more like a guessing game is being played, not a request for help. Plus, if you get a few suggestions it helps you the searcher to say things like 'book a can't be it as the protagonist was male, book b, while its now on my to-read list, isn't it either because the main character is a squirel, not a mongoose.' I just adds in extra clues to help in the hunt.

message 17: by Tytti (new)

Tytti | 190 comments But that's the point, I see no reason to protest someone else's behaviour when they are not really hurting me or anyone else. I don't really even think that was so bad, maybe a little abrupt but not something I would remember later, no name-calling or anything like that. It's not important enough for me to have an opinion and I am willing to give the person the benefit of a doubt. So it is about how you are taking it.

Maybe that's just their way of communicating, maybe there are cultural or linguistic differences (there is no objective definition for "rudeness", it IS a cultural thing), or maybe they are just young or not too smart or something, but it's nothing that affects me personally. Or maybe they are just like me for whom the fact that it's not the right book is more important than the generic "thanks" I might get and they just forgot when it was so far off. I might expect thanks if I find the right book but not just for trying. (In fact in most cases you get nothing for answering recommendation requests in that part of GR, so I am used to it.)

message 18: by MJ (last edited Feb 02, 2015 08:40AM) (new)

MJ | 1355 comments I agree with Tytti, there are many things in life that will happily waste your time if you let it. Most of the time, people are so caught up in their own lives, that yours barely rates a mention. Things could be written with other words, but then maybe someone may think that it's too Sarcchine sweet... It's all about perception, and really for the firefly moment that that communication takes... It's not worth wasting the time on analyzing it. It's not a personal attack. Your thoughts are better off spent on the people who matter in your life.

message 19: by SparksofEmber (last edited Feb 02, 2015 02:35PM) (new)

SparksofEmber | 945 comments Usually a quick "nope, that's not it" doesn't bother me but there've been a few times I felt my suggestions rather brusquely vetoed or barely acknowledged. Sometimes I have my doubts if they even looked at the suggestion. When that happens, I just stop following that thread or going out of my way to hunt for the book. They just hurt their search by being rude and turning away people who would invest time in hunting. Whereas for someone who is genuinely appreciative, I'll spend hours scouring websites and searching. So yes, it is rude. But rather than let it bother you, just shake it off and find a different search with a more polite poster. :)

message 20: by Railyn (new)

Railyn (funky-rat) | 244 comments Part of the issue is that what you type may be "heard" in your head one way, and the reader may "hear" it in their head another way. I'm not justifying the snippy responses, but some could fit that category. That's why I am sometimes exceedingly polite when I'm not 100% sure how my response will be taken.

As for the comment upthread when someone said they get angry when they say it's not a book but someone suggests it anyway, that happens to me sometimes. I think my brain skips over it, or my brain sees that title and thinks "Oh! It's that book!". I responded in a thread once where someone was describing a book almost to a tee, but then said "But it's not (book)". That book was part of a series, and the other ones didn't have that character in any of the other titles. So I took a chance, and suggested one or two of the other titles in the series (and in this case, I even qualified it with "I know you said it wasn't.....". I got a curt reply from another poster that essentially said we weren't paying attention. I found it actually somewhat funny, because they didn't pay attention to my post either, as I qualified it before I suggested it. So I responded with a re-iteration of my thought. I didn't hear any more about it.

And I too never check someone's shelves. Some people have their accounts set to private, and some people have so many books that I couldn't go through them all.

message 21: by SparksofEmber (new)

SparksofEmber | 945 comments Yes, I never check shelves. It's one thing to ask for recommendations and say "but I already know about x & x", it's another to ask for recommendations and expect people to go read your shelves to eliminate suggestions.

Charlotte (Buried in Books) | 11 comments I never ask for recommendations, so that's why it annoys me, when I still get recommendations for books I've read, that someone didn't check my shelves.

So I'm looking at it from that perspective rather than someone that posts a thread asking for help.

But then when you finish a book it automatically suggests friends who you might want to recommend it to - I never let it do that. I figure if someone wants a recommendation they'll ask.

message 23: by SparksofEmber (new)

SparksofEmber | 945 comments Charlotte (Buried in Books) wrote: "I never ask for recommendations, so that's why it annoys me, when I still get recommendations for books I've read, that someone didn't check my shelves.

So I'm looking at it from that perspectiv..."

Oh yes, that would annoy me. I'd probably pm that friend and ask them not to do that. I always ignore that pop-up and I've only ever had one friend recommend a book and that was *after* we had been discussing it and she'd told me how much she was enjoying it and I'd expressed interest.

message 24: by Railyn (new)

Railyn (funky-rat) | 244 comments Yes, that would annoy me too. I thought you were saying that you asked for recommendations and was upset that no one checked your shelves before recommending.

message 25: by Mrsbooks (new)

Mrsbooks | 252 comments At first when I read this I didn't think it was very rude. But that's because the times I've offered help finding a book was because I knew what the book was and it didn't take me any time at all to post what I knew.

But looking it from the perspective that I've actually taken my own time to do some research for this person, yeah, I'd find it rude.

I would never find it rude though to suggest a book to someone and not look at their shelves first. For one thing, I have a pretty big shelf and I would never expect people to go through my own. If they suggest something and I've read it, no big deal.

message 26: by Rachel (new)

Rachel | 1529 comments "Not even close" is a bit rude, but I also think it is pretty annoying when you get a suggestion that is SO far from your description that you wonder if they even read your post. I think if you make a suggestion that thoughtlessly then you can't really complain if the reply is a little impatient!

Having said that, I always try to thank people for trying even if it's sometimes through gritted teeth :)

message 27: by Anna (new)

Anna (annamatsuyama) | 402 comments I don't think it's rude.

When asking for general recommendations I've more than once written something like "not my cuppa" when someone has suggested a book I think I'll not enjoy. In no way it was meant as "your taste in books is bad" or that I'm ungrateful for suggestion.

TheBohemianBookworm | 116 comments Mindy wrote: "when someone goes to the effort of suggesting a book title, and the OP responds along the lines of "NOPE not even close!" I'm always taken aback. Seems really rude to me.

Of course we have all see..."

I agree. I always try to be very courteous and gracious when someone takes time out of their day to help me and I appreciate when others respond politely as well. I realize some people don't mean to come across as brusque or rude but I do think a thoughtful response is more polite.

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