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Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query > Blurb Critique for YA/Fantasy

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message 1: by Tom (new)

Tom (tom_shutt) | 34 comments Hi Lucy,

You could just say her father is the devil, since that's more true to the actual phrase. I also think the first sentence of the third paragraph (starting with "And now...") is too long and a bit hard to understand. Suggestion: "After unfathomable millennia of sitting on her backside, Althea finally has a job to do—hunt down her aunt's right-hand man, Blaze Grayson, a dangerous agent of Heaven who has even her father worried."

Unless it's really important that he be described as notoriously attractive here, then I'd leave it out. The possible love angle doesn't seem to be very important in this blurb, so their physical looks don't really matter.

I like the second-to-last paragraph, with its two lines of attitude and light description of Althea's past deeds. Ultimately, though, it may not be helpful to the blurb; it's filler detail, and you need to be concise.

Later on, "together" echoes in the same line, as does "bring down". Suggestion: "But when Blaze and Althea find themselves caught in an elaborate plot to bring down both Heaven and Hell, they must align in order to stand a chance against their true enemies, all while keeping their superiors in the dark. If word gets out that the heirs to Heaven and Hell are working together, it won't just be one war being fought."

I think the ending needs just a little more punch. In lieu of the final line, consider this: "If Heaven goes down, all Hell will break loose." It conveys the message of things going crazy on both sides while also playing with another Hell-themed phrase, linking it back to the very first sentence of the blurb.

message 2: by Lena (new)

Lena | 172 comments Mod
I like the voice, it's catchy. Agree with Thomas's comments about cutting the short paragraph. Also, the last line is not just vague, it's really awkward to read "it won't just BE one war BEING fought." So I would definitely make that something more catchy or scary, depending on the tone of your book.

message 3: by Stacee (new)

Stacee Magee (staceemagee) | 14 comments I agree with using "the" devil. Also I wonder if he rules, would he not be the King, instead of the prince? Then she would be the princess? Just nitpicking, ;)

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