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Poetry > The Smart Kid

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message 1: by Isaac (last edited Jan 30, 2015 07:58PM) (new)

Isaac | 8014 comments Warning: mentions of suicide, self harm, and brief strong language.

--

Growing up,
I was always dramatic.
Not the kid that would start fights
Or have playground squabbles,
But the kid that would be sat down
In the corner with a cup of lukewarm
Water circling around the edge until
It trickled over, because I was too
Angry, because I burst into a display
Of hot tears that burned my cheeks
And melted the rest of the world
Around it.

And they tell me,

Hold it in.
You're not allowed to feel.

Who knew what a mess it would cause?
Who knew that forbidding the reactions of
A broken home where my sister was as important
As the God that told me I was nothing would end
In mess of diagnoses and unprescribed medication
Because I'm a burden, I'm a waste of space,
That the only thing that made me who I was
Was nothing more than a 10 out of 10 on
A spelling test and reading middle school books
In second grade.

I'm the smart kid.
I'm the weird kid.
I'm the loner that always manages to
Make it through the day with a
Smile on my face while I bleed under the table,
Screaming as I plunge my hands in
Boiling water and wait for it to all
End.

I'm the smart kid.
I've never been nothing more.
I'm not Asperger's,
I'm not anxiety,
I'm not bipolar,
I'm not borderline.
I'm the smart kid with a shattered heart
And no sense of direction.

Who cares what I feel,
Who cares when bipolar depression causes me
To clutch at my science teacher, sobbing because
The world's going to end and I don't know what
Class period it is, because the next hour I was
Able to come back and get an A on that test over
Who knows what.

Who cares what I feel,
Who cares that I attempted to slit
My skin when it became too much,
Because I lived to tell the tale and more importantly
Continue ruining the bell curve.

Who cares what I feel,
Because those grades are enough,
And after high school no one gives a damn
That now the only thing that give me identity
Is gone, because everyone is like that,
Everyone is going through what I am,
Why am I any different?

I'm a pendulum, swinging back in forth,
Wondering if today I'll be gay or ace,
If I'm a boy or if I'm nothing,
Wondering if today's the day I dump
The only person who gives me stability
And chase the wind and change every
Bit about my personality.

I'm dynamite, I'm cycling over and over again,
Lashing out against myself and against others,
Because when I want to die, no one deserves to live.
How dare they treat me like his, how dare they close
Their eyes and shove their fingers in their ears like
It's elementary school all over again, who cares
That those A's have been drowned out and my
Lips are too pale to kiss my life goodbye --

Goddammit,
Who cares,
Who cares, who cares, who cares


My life is a balancing act,
And the only thing I know for fact is what
Came from word of professionals -
That I'm a borderline fuck up,
Volatile, explosive,
Ready to destruct myself and anyone in my path.

I'm lethal, I'm a war machine, I claw and scratch until
You feed the everlasting hollowness that replaces my soul,
And then I push you away, because no one has ever loved me,
And if they had they left, so it would be no different
For you, my fallen angel, my idealized demon,
Caught in a constant banter of
I hate you, I love you,
Leave me alone, come back

You'll never win.
I'll never win.
I'm a victim of "kids can be cruel,"
I'm a victim of "children are to be seen, not heard,"
Because no child should ever want to take their
Life when they're nine years old,
And no one should have to live in this hell,
Diseased with BPD and OCD and GAD and SAD
And what have you.

But,
After all,
In the end of the day, I still manage to
Take that test as I hold a knife to my throat in one hand
And an explosive in the other.

Hold it in.
I'm not allowed to feel.


message 2: by Kriss (new)

Kriss (krisslee) | 5015 comments Mod
This just broke my heart.

I'm so sorry.


message 3: by Allison (new)

Allison | 679 comments I don't even know what to say but that it broke my heart too.


message 4: by Brigid ✩, No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. (new)

Brigid ✩ | 11973 comments Mod
I'm sorry you've had to deal with all of this, Hayden. :( But you're not a waste of space; you're a brilliant writer and a wonderful person. <3


message 5: by Alina (new)

Alina (alinapink-rose) | 331 comments This really did just break my heart. I can't even form words to explain what I'm feeling after I read this. It's a beautiful piece of writing, no doubt about it! And it's so raw of emotion that I can barely handle it. And in a way, I can connect to it probably more than I should...

I do however have something to say to you;

I care, that's who.


message 6: by Bidemi (new)

Bidemi | 32 comments Hayden I may not know you as much as the other people here but I feel you. This is not something I do so often because so many things have been thrown in my face and I've only qualified to be a teen. Just this year. My point is you've had a hard life yes but all those pricks that broke you will too be broken themselves as they watch rise like Angel Raziel from Lake Lyn. You are 1 person but your eyes have witnessed almost 2 lifetimes.


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