Weekly Short Stories Contest and Company! discussion

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Weekly Poetry Stuffage > Week 247 (Jan 29-Feb 5). Poems. Topic: Investigator

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message 1: by Ryan (new)

Ryan | 5330 comments You have until February 5th to post a poem, and February 6th – 8th we’ll vote for which one we thought was best.

Please post directly into the topic and not a link. Please don’t use a poem previously used in this group.

Your poem can be any length.

This week’s topic is: Investigator

The rules are pretty loose. You could write a poem about anything that has to do with the subject but it must relate to the topic somehow.


Have fun!

Thank you to Joseph for suggesting the topic!


message 2: by Nicky (new)

Nicky (soundgirl) | 1272 comments ooh, that should be an interesting topic!


message 3: by Edward (last edited Feb 03, 2015 05:32PM) (new)

Edward Davies | 1727 comments Not my best work, I'll admit, and I'm not happy with the ending. So many of my pems end with someone dieing. I wanted to concentrate on the short story this week:-

Title : Private Eyes
Author : Edward Davies

Private eyes, private lives
Maltese falcons, guns and knives
Long trenchcoats and trilby hats
Tracking down those dirty rats

Private lives, private eyes
Criminals in lame disguise
Dressed to frighten as a spook
It’s enough to make you puke

Private eyes meet sexy dames
Buildings bursting into flames
Random deaths, scary near misses
Femme fatales’ seductive kisses

Privates eyes, private lives
Hanging out in scummy dives
Getting leads from men in bars
Chasing suspects in their cars

Private lives, private eyes
Always have to improvise
Opened up to public view
Whats a criminal to do?

Private eyes, private lives
Ruined by those cheating wives
Relationships slowly disolved
Until the mystery is solved.


message 4: by Joci (last edited Jan 29, 2015 01:42PM) (new)

Joci (kdemiweall) | 434 comments There

There, in a dark time
Maybe in the kitchen when they came
And you were taken by surprise

There, all hopes gone
Maybe in the hospital
Where some didn’t go on their proper time -
God’s time

There, where you do not dare raise your head
Because they were running through the streets
And it was just the wrong place,
The wrong time

There, where the flowers shrivel
Because the wife, mother, daughter and spouse
Doesn't water them anymore

There, in the living room
Where a piano stands alone
No more solo performance...
No more sound peering the house

There, in that empty room
Where a child smile was lost
And the toys
Were no more touched

There, where the father went to work
And did not come
Anymore…

Or there – on the other side of it
The reasons
That made them do so

There, maybe…
I know I cannot bring any of them back to you
But I can – at least
Try to make their life miserable
Less worth living then it should

You’ll ask me then –
Should I forgive them?
When it was all wrong?
When it should not have happened?

I’ll answer you –
Let your heart say
But I myself- I’ll do my work

Jocilene Lima, 29/01/2015


message 5: by Blue (new)

Blue (topazamber) I might give it a try. At the moment, no idea what I will write. The above poems are great.


message 6: by Michelle (new)

Michelle | 50 comments Edward, I really enjoyed reading your poem. I can vividly picture a PI during the 30's or 40's in New York City or Chicago. It has a gritty feel to it which I love. Great work!


message 7: by Kristen (new)

Kristen Marincic Hiestermann | 519 comments Love it Al! :)


message 8: by Fidel (new)

Fidel  Love (fidelmlove) | 48 comments Interesting topic! Edward, I liked your poem. It feels like it could've been the intro theme song of a classic tv show. Al, your piece was kinda seductive. Great work everybody!


message 9: by Edward (new)

Edward Davies | 1727 comments Fidel wrote: "Interesting topic! Edward, I liked your poem. It feels like it could've been the intro theme song of a classic tv show. Al, your piece was kinda seductive. Great work everybody!"

Now you've said that I've just realised it's almost the theme tune to the old Spider-Man cartoon! :)


message 10: by Arun (new)

Arun Iyer (aruniyer) | 369 comments Edward wrote: "Now you've said that I've just realised it's almost the theme tune to the old Spider-Man cartoon! :)"
Haha, "look out, its private eyes".


message 11: by Fidel (new)

Fidel  Love (fidelmlove) | 48 comments "Lonely Life"

A life spent looking
for something I'll never find
Disgusted by the questions
Answers intertwined in mystery
So...truth is a myth to me
But the lies are real
Bullets are hot
The knives are steel
Cold to the flesh
For me, the night is young
but old to the rest
As they slumber in peace
the hunter in me comes to peak
I smell blood
Also, something sweet
But I repel love
So if we kiss and hug
this' ll be the only night
Tell me your secrets
but I'll never share mine
This...is a lonely life


message 12: by Edward (new)

Edward Davies | 1727 comments Arun wrote: "Edward wrote: "Now you've said that I've just realised it's almost the theme tune to the old Spider-Man cartoon! :)"
Haha, "look out, its private eyes"."


I was soooo tempted to add, "Look out, here come the private eye" to the end of each verse!


message 13: by Ajay (new)

Ajay (ajay_n) | 1138 comments Private Eyes is a solid poem, Edward. A definite crowd-pleaser! I thought the use of 'private eyes/private lives' interchangeably was very effective. So was the abundance of internal and end rhyme throughout the poem. 'Lame, dames, flames' : Great sound trails!

Detective blew me away, Alex! It's official now. You're the quintessential master of the short-poem. I'm not at all surprised by the quality of the poem though. I think your prowess as a poet is evolving into something very strong. While reading this poem, I was also listening to Mozart: Piano Concerto No.22 n E Flat Major. I must say, the combination was lethal. These lines in particular:

''reveals my secrets when we slip into a dance
that solves all the mysteries
we for so long haven't unmasked''

There What a poem, Jocilene! I love how each stanza is a snapshot of an event, a stand-alone image and how the poem lends coherence to it all. The poem asks a lot of tough questions. I like the positive effect that the ending line brings 'I’ll do my work'. This poem has a lot of heart. Great work.

Lonely Life Whoa, Fidel! Your poem took me places. I thought the first-person narrative angle along with the stark imagery makes the poem so very real. I loved the below lines in particular:

''
But the lies are real
Bullets are hot
The knives are steel
Cold to the flesh ''


message 14: by Joci (last edited Jan 31, 2015 02:33AM) (new)

Joci (kdemiweall) | 434 comments Thank you, Ajay for your nice feedback! Such a good way to start my day. I'm glad you liked it. :)


message 15: by Connie (last edited Jan 31, 2015 02:50PM) (new)

Connie D. | 656 comments Private I
by: Connie
(feedback appreciated)

After many years of rushing
adapting, changing and adjusting
I could no longer be amused
felt perpetually confused
and really, kinda, sorta used
up.

I decided to seek some therapy
let someone else recover me
discover me, maybe even….
mother me.

The therapist was a gentle man
but had no idea who I am
so I tried to tell him
who I thought I’d been.

Thought I did what I should do
to provide him every little clue
so he could investigate to
find out where I went.

Told him what my parents did
when I was just a little kid,
and everything that happened since
every little sin I did not commit.

I stop working, I stopped walking,
I stop eating, sleeping, dreaming
and talking to my friends.

Caught in my web of self-deception
clutching at my veil of self-protection
using every foolish form of deflection,
I reeked havoc with his detection skills.

It didn’t work, but he helped me see,
if I continued to hide the real me
I’d never find myself.


Connie Idalski-Dole
1/30/2015


message 16: by [deleted user] (new)

Here is my poetry submission for the topic: Investigator. Feedback is ALWAYS welcome!

Timing by Melissa Andres

He peered through the bushes
With bright green eyes
The lush garden foliage
His only disguise.

Watching the activity
He almost smiled
Waiting until ready
Was his usual style.

Completely unaware
They went about their day
Frolicking and cavorting
On their merry way.

Was it part of nature?
Was it meant to be?
He licked his lips
Knew timing was the key.

The frenzied flight of fancy
Left feathers in a pile
As sharp claws engaged
He went stark ravin' wild!

The striped little yellow cat
Was The Investigator
If he doesn't get you now
He'll surely get you later!


message 17: by Connie (last edited Jan 31, 2015 02:48PM) (new)

Connie D. | 656 comments EDWARD, You may not think it's your best work but I thought it was great fun!

AL, I have goosebumps and I'm jealous of that relationship.

FIDEL, Very aptly titled. I felt it.


message 18: by Susan (new)

Susan  (slimjazzy) Title: Inside of Me
Author: Susan

Feedback welcome! I haven't written a poem in a long time.

I come to the Valentine's Day Ball.
Red balloons shaped like hearts.
I attach a note to each one,
"Don't break any hearts."
There are already enough.
My heart aches.
To ER I go.
They investigate my heart.
Have a massive bleed
From a broken heart.
Why?
What could I possibly have done
To deserve to live in "Heartbreak Hotel"?
How?
How dare he call me an automaton
Void of emotion?
Can he not see my tears?
I go to a therapist,
Who investigates my mind.
Diagnosis: My husband is right.
My stomach churns.
My tummy upchucks at the thought.
Again to the ER.
They investigate my stomach.
"Don't be so stressed."
Is that possible?
I lost the love of my life,
And I am supposed to be calm?
My heart aches.
I know the diagnosis.
No need for ER.
I feel like an unmatched Rubik's Cube.
I'm all mixed up.
I can't think about this anymore.
I start reading Agatha Christie.
Now, I get to be the investigator
For a change.

2/1/15


message 19: by Nicole (last edited Feb 01, 2015 10:35AM) (new)

Nicole | 15 comments Edward - your poem is so much fun. I have actually made up a tune for it and sing your poem every time I come to read new posts lol.

Al - short and sweet as always. My comfort zone is poems that rhyme but every time I read your work you inspire me to try something new.

Jocilene - I liked how ur poem gave me visuals of different scenes

Connie - I liked the rhythm of your poem particularly the first two stanzas

Melissa-I smiled when I read ur poem. I enjoy watching Ace (my cat) when he's investigating..waiting for the opportune time to strike lol


message 20: by Nicole (last edited Feb 01, 2015 11:10AM) (new)

Nicole | 15 comments Girl Behind the Mask by Nicole


Her skin is like smooth caramel,
Her hair silk black and bold,
Brown eyes that glisten and shimmer
Conceal her secrets untold.

Let's not forget her cherry lips
Perfectly parallel
What stories does this beauty hold?
Her lips will never tell.

This girl is quite the mystery,
You'll see with just one look,
Each page of her life is blank,
You cannot read her book.

Her emotioms are well hidden
She has a poker face,
She leaves no clues at the scene,
Her movements you can't trace.

He's planning to investigate,
It will be quite the task,
To uncover and reveal, Who is
The girl behind the mask?


message 21: by Kristen (new)

Kristen Marincic Hiestermann | 519 comments Nicole, that's so odd, I choreographed a ballet solo for myself once titled "The Girl Behind the Mask" as well! If I could upload a video on here, I'd share it with you guys. Nice poem :)


message 22: by Joci (new)

Joci (kdemiweall) | 434 comments Thank you, Nicole, for your feedback!

I loved your approach of the topic as well. It's very sweet.


message 23: by [deleted user] (new)

Edward - You may not have thought this was your best work but I think it was very well done! I liked your ending too! It fits the classic idea of a P.I perfectly!

Al - Very nice! Seemed so seductive and steamy!

Jocilene - Wonderful! I can't put my finger on why I like this so much. Maybe the way you offer up different visuals, maybe how you keep repeating the word There, maybe because it seems so rhythmic. For whatever reason, I like it! :)

Fidel - Great! I got the sensation that the gentleman in the poem didn't trust others therefore the reason he never revealed his secrets. Investigators must be an untrusting bunch in order to do their jobs! Well-done!

Connie - Wow! I really identify with this! Very wonderful way to use the topic. A counselor has to investigate inside a person's mind to, well, unlock it so to speak! Been there! Even counselors can't figure out everything ... we must learn to see inside ourselves to see who we were, who we are and who we will become. Awesome!

Susan - Wonderful! I loved your description of emotions! My favorite line being: "I feel like an unmatched Rubik's cube". That's extraordinary! :)

Nicole - I agree with Al .. I felt like I was looking at a picture too! Takes a great writer to convey that kind of feeling! Nice job!


message 24: by Joci (new)

Joci (kdemiweall) | 434 comments Thank you, Melissa for your nice feedback. Your words mean a lot to me. I'm glad you liked it, for whatever reason :)


message 25: by Susan (new)

Susan  (slimjazzy) Thanks for the feedback, Melissa.


message 26: by Connie (new)

Connie D. | 656 comments Thanks Nicole.....I liked the first verse best as well.

Thanks Melissa.....I am so glad you "got it". I tried to make it general enough that it could apply to anyone.


message 27: by Daniel J. (last edited Feb 06, 2015 11:59AM) (new)

Daniel J. Nickolas (danieljnickolas) | 139 comments The Astronomer
By: Felix J. Nickolas
(Feedback always welcome)

Through the convex lens of a telescope
I investigate the stars

I applaud the ballet of Saturn’s rings
And the great geyser of Enceladus
Creating mysteries for me to solve

Through the convex lens of a telescope
I circulate the stars

I try to ponder the breadth of Betelgeuse
A circumference of gluttonous majesty
Little dots with pictures I can find

Through the convex lens of a telescope
I mitigate the stars

For an epiphany has seized me
Like light on the event horizon
I watch the stars, unwatched by them

Through the convex lens of a telescope
I speculate the stars

I comprehend the greatness of their matter
But even the nebulas do not have a mind
I am the stargazer classifying stars

Through the concave lens of a telescope
I look upon all that is mine


message 28: by Daniel J. (new)

Daniel J. Nickolas (danieljnickolas) | 139 comments Edward: I like how each stanza paints a different idea of the private eye genre; stanza one is very noir, stanza two is very Scooby Do, the third stanza is very mid-20th century crime magazine, etc. I agree with you about the ending though. It’s by no means a bad ending, but it doesn’t feel like it quite belongs with the rest of the poem. This might be due to the fact that all the other stanzas poke a bit of fun at the private eye genre, while the last stanza reads as pure seriousness.

Al: This is a great piece. I liked the single rhyme of hair / there, as it allowed for a really smooth transition back out of the dashes. Great work.

Jocilene: When I was first reading this poem, I was wary about all the “maybes”, but when I got to the end (and then reread the poem) they became my favorite part. Often, when a person is unwilling to forgive, or seeking vengeance, little details become irrelevant and only thing that matters is the fact that wrong was allowed to happened; the “maybes” helped portray that feeling.

Fidel: I love the lines “Answers intertwined in mystery / so...truth is a myth to me”. It portrays a very provocative picture, and the rhyme scheme is pleasing both phonetically and visually. Also, the hunter and repelling love images were a great lead into the final line, as both have a very heavy sense of loneliness. Well done.

Time for work, but I will read the rest of the poems in a short while.


message 29: by Edward (new)

Edward Davies | 1727 comments Felix J. wrote: "Edward: I like how each stanza paints a different idea of the private eye genre; stanza one is very noir, stanza two is very Scooby Do, the third stanza is very mid-20th century crime magazine, etc..."

I was going for Scooby-Doo with the second verse! I've also changed the last two lines, which also have a Scooby reference in them. :)


message 30: by Nicky (new)

Nicky (soundgirl) | 1272 comments Here's my poem, any comments welcomed.

Accord

Strong hands cup
the smooth planes of her neck.
The soft pad of his thumb
caresses the sculptured lines.
His palm traces the contours of her flank.
Exploring, the gentle rise and fall,
fingers trail idly across her toned belly.
Searching for the right chords;
finding places to coax and stroke.
Her bitter sweet tune resonates
in harmony with his husky voice.
The last note fades,
light breaks the spell
He lays her down on velvet.


by Nicky
*********

And thanks to Ryan for his advice!


message 31: by Daniel J. (new)

Daniel J. Nickolas (danieljnickolas) | 139 comments Connie: I like your spin on the prompt, very clever. I also like the conclusion to this poem, simple and truthful. I would, however, warn you against sacrificing grammatical tense for the purpose of a rhyme; I think it costs the poem more than it gives to it (I’m speaking specifically of stanza three).

Melissa: I really appreciate that the reader doesn’t immediately know the figure is a cat, even though you give the reader everything they need to discern it’s a cat in the first stanza. The green eyes and using foliage as a disguise are great clues, but some of the other word choices (such as peered and garden) also allude to the fact that the subject is not human. Well done ... and fun.

Susan: The line “Diagnosis: My husband is right” really stood out to me; it was unexpected and even a little humorous in a great way. I think poems about heart break always teeter on the edge of sentimentality or lugubriousness (word a day calendar), but this little line kept your poem in a place where the reader could feel for the narrator, instead of being asked to feel for her.

Nicole: Very nice choice introducing the “investigator” theme in the last two lines of the fourth stanza; it bridged the fourth and fifth stanzas beautifully (and a bridge was vital, as stanza five moves away from the main character for a moment, which might otherwise have felt abrupt.) I also like the way you describe the girl, vivid but always remaining on the surface, never allowing the reader a single glance behind the mask.


message 32: by [deleted user] (new)

Felix - Very nice! I don't know much about stars and astrology but I don't really have to when I read your poem. It makes me want to go out and look at the sky tonight! And, thank you for the compliment on my poem. I am glad you enjoyed it! :)

Robyn - What a sad tale! I could feel the pain and heartache and the anticipation of a return. I like your line: I haunt the day and wait. :)

Nicky - Nice take on this topic. Very well done! Loved it!


message 33: by Blue (new)

Blue (topazamber) Nicky, I really liked your poem. Thank you. I'm behind. Haven't read all of the poems.


message 34: by Edward (new)

Edward Davies | 1727 comments Hey guys, if you think your poem was good enough (they all were), then maybe you could enter it in the Goodreads poetry contest and get published to all members! A nice way to get noticed.

https://www.goodreads.com/group/show/...


message 35: by Guy (last edited Feb 08, 2015 07:37PM) (new)

Guy (egajd) | 11107 comments In the Dark
        by Guy Duperreault (comments/critiques welcomed)

She sat chewing remnants of her nails and smokes
In a car at night,
unlit and in the dark.

Her eyes darted from there to there to there to here
and back there again
into the wet darkness.

Her hands instinctively moved to cup her cold cup
of sugared unmilked joe,
swirl the dregs’ dark wetness.

Her mind squashed with quick lightning
embryonic thoughts that
she was lost in the dark.


message 36: by Blue (new)

Blue (topazamber) Guy, thank you. I like the way you used there and here to describe her feelings about lost in a location whether the mind or a place.


message 37: by [deleted user] (new)

Guy, I agree with Hattie. Your used of there to there to there to here was very clever. It described fright via her mental and physical state! Well done!


message 38: by Joci (last edited Feb 06, 2015 07:16AM) (new)

Joci (kdemiweall) | 434 comments Thank you, Felix J. for your feedback. I'm glad you have even a favourite part. It's nice to hear which kind of feelings we give to each reader. I myself was trying to show the emotion part of being a crime scene investigator. Though, you have to do your work. :)


message 39: by Guy (new)

Guy (egajd) | 11107 comments Thank you Hattie and Melissa. And I will read everyone's later tonight and squeeze in the time to comment. Have a good day, everyone.


message 40: by Connie (new)

Connie D. | 656 comments Felix, Thanks for your feedback. I did not even notice the change in tense, it was not deliberate. It slipped through. Note to self: Don't try to write a poem in past tense when the experience is not quite finished!

How about

The therapist was doomed (and/or vexed) because
he had no idea who I was


message 41: by Daniel J. (new)

Daniel J. Nickolas (danieljnickolas) | 139 comments Connie wrote: "Don't try to write a poem in past tense when the experience is not quite finished..."

Hmmm...I wonder how your poem would sound in present tense?
"The Therapist is a gentle man / but has no idea who I am".

In the second to last line of my piece, I always meant to switch "convex" to "concave"; I must have proof read the piece ten times before posting it in the thread, only to later realize that the line still said "convex". It never ceases to amaze me how illusive those little slips can be.


message 42: by Blue (new)

Blue (topazamber) That's so true.


message 43: by Connie (new)

Connie D. | 656 comments Robyn, I love your poem most especially the lines "But sip by sip and step by step I'm closing in on night –


message 44: by Connie (new)

Connie D. | 656 comments Guy, Your poem leaves so much open to interpretation and imagination....love it.


message 45: by Connie (new)

Connie D. | 656 comments Nicole, I have noticed and in a strange way envied people like you describe. I am told my emotions are written all over my face and I'd really prefer that the weren't. Nice Work.


message 46: by Connie (new)

Connie D. | 656 comments Felix, Very well written. You have made me long for summer so I can go out at night and star gaze. We have too many cloudy days in Michigan in the winter.


message 47: by Connie (new)

Connie D. | 656 comments Nicky, That was beautiful.


message 48: by Nicky (new)

Nicky (soundgirl) | 1272 comments Thankyou!


message 49: by Guy (last edited Feb 13, 2015 08:57AM) (new)

Guy (egajd) | 11107 comments Private Eyes by Edward
This made me laugh. Nice job.

Detective by Al
Beautiful and strong.

There by Jocilene
‘’ … No more sound peering the house”. Jocilene, this may be an English issue, as the sentence with 'peering' doesn’t quite make sense. Perhaps you meant ‘vibrating’ or ‘warming’ or ‘enlivening’? And another English issue (or maybe just a typo). ‘Where a child smile was lost’ needs to have the possessive form of ‘child’ if you meant the smile of a specific child, so ‘child’s smile’. But another interesting take on this, and your form makes this an interesting ambiguity, is ‘child-smile’. That makes the stanza very intriguing.

Absolutely love this poem! It feels the heart of Portuguese fado music. I would love to see this put to music.

Lonely Life by Fidel
This is a clearly expressed loneliness and cynicism. The only hope in it is that the narrator appears to be aware that this may be a choice. I enjoyed it very much.

Private I by Connie
Connie, this is a delightful self-mock serious self-examination irony. Loved it.

Timing by Melissa
So funny and so true! Well written, Melissa. ‘Timing’ brought a smile to my face.

Inside of Me by Susan
This read, to me, like a nice little self-mystery story, in that I never knew for sure where you were going, only to get lost in a book and defer the self-examination to a vicarious one. I enjoyed your interesting take.

Girl Behind the Mask by Nicole
Yes. The problem of the female enigma. In the psychology of Jung, this is the problem of the anima, to find out who we are by projecting our internal mystery onto the opposite. Nicely written.

The Astronomer by Felix
A delightful ode to the hubris of the rational mind. I enjoyed the discoveries you reveal that may have been that which so easily misleads the mind.

After Eyelids Drop by Robyn
What an engaging and intriguing poem! I re-read this a few times, and each time it asked me to reconsider what it might be and mean. Beautifully done.

Accord by Nicky
This appears to be a gentle love story on the surface. But! Is it? To lay her down on velvet, is he laying her to rest after having killed her, strangled her? Or am I just being visited by my dark side? Great beauty here, but great ambiguity, too!

What a great week, everyone!


message 50: by Joci (new)

Joci (kdemiweall) | 434 comments Hey Guy, thank you so much for your feedeback. I apreciate it.

Actually, I was a little bit unsure using that particular word (peering) and was thinking about editing the whole stanza after the contest (didn't have time to edit it any further). So I might just do that.

I like the word "enlivening"; as it brings in me the idea of a young soul. :)

Related to the the possessive case, you were just right. But as I like ambiguity as well, I'll stick with "child-smile".

I'm glad you could see in my poem something very close to me. Though, I wans't thinking about it at all when wrinting the poem. You just made me smile. Indeed, the fado is a little bit about longing for someone or for a specific place, and singing the sadness caused by the absence of a beloved one. It's an ode to the misfortunes of life.


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