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This is my all time favorite joke:A duck walks into a bar and asks for duck food. The bartender says, "we don't serve duck food here. Get lost."
"Okay," says the duck and waddles off.
The next day, the duck returns and says, "hi, can I have some duck food?"
The bartender slams his fist on the bar and says, "We don't serve duck food here. Beat it!"
"Okey dokey," says the duck and waddles off.
The next day the duck returns and says, "Hi! Say, you wouldn't happen to have any duck food, would you?"
"Listen, duck!" the bartender shouts. He's now shaking and is turning red with rage. "I keep telling you we don't serve duck food here! Now, you get out of here and don't you come back or I'll nail your stupid bill to the bar!"
"Alrighty, then," says the duck and he waddles out the door.
The next day the duck returns and grins. "Hi! I want some nails!"
"We don't have any nails," says the bartender.
The duck says, "okay, then I want some duck food!"
My other favorite:A priest, a blonde and a politician walk into a bar. The bartender says, "what is this, a joke?"
Two siblings, a brother and a sister, are going for a run. They put on their running gear and hit the pavement.Just as they turn the corner to a new block, the sister snaps her fingers and looks at her brother in disappointment. "Ah, man, I should've gone to the bathroom before we left."
Her brother just looks at her in horror. "I shouldn't have gone after we left!"
There was a deer crossing sign posted on the highway, but too many deer got hit crossing where the sign was posted, so they moved the sign so the deer wouldn't cross there anymore.
A guy is praying, "O Lord, in your eyes, how long is a thousand years?""In my eyes a thousand years are but one second."
"Right. And in your eyes, Lord, how much is a million dollars worth?"
"To me a million dollars is like one penny."
"For sure... Uhhm... Lord, could you give me a penny?"
"Sure. Just wait a second."
Jerry wrote: "A guy is praying, "O Lord, in your eyes, how long is a thousand years?""In my eyes a thousand years are but one second."
"Right. And in your eyes, Lord, how much is a million dollars worth?"
"T..."
Yep, that's a good one, Jerry.
Now I see where I went wrong!
Okay, then...
"Dear Lord give me a penny then transport me a thousand years into the future.
"Granted, you are now a thousand years removed from you wish."
"Cool. And do I now have the million dollars?"
"You do, but after a thousand years of inflation and currency devaluations it's only worth one penny."
Jerry wrote: "A guy is praying, "O Lord, in your eyes, how long is a thousand years?""In my eyes a thousand years are but one second."
"Right. And in your eyes, Lord, how much is a million dollars worth?"
"T..."
I love it! Can't wait to tell my daughter this one:)
Good comeback, Stuart!
For all the young people out there, here's a good pickup line...haha!Person 1: Do you have any raisins?
Person 2: No
Person 1: Oh man. Well how about a date?
-Nihar
www.niharsuthar.com
what does a Chinese chicken say?Wok, wok, wok, wok
A hotshot lawyer is speeding down a lonely Texas street. He comes to a stop sign, but only slows down enough to make sure there's no one coming, and then speeds through it. A few seconds later, he hears a siren.A traffic cop approaches his window, and tells him that he failed to come to a full stop.
"I slowed down."
"But the sign says 'Stop', not 'Slow Down'," says the cop.
The man thought he'd try to outwit this small-town cop. "Tell you what, if you can explain the legal difference between slowing down and stopping, I'll pay the fine. If not, you let me go on my way."
The cop thought for a moment, and then nodded. "Deal. Could you step out of the car, please?"
The lawyer stepped out with a smirk. A second later, the cop pulled out his nightstick and drove it into the man's gut. He collapsed to the ground, and the cop hit him again. And again. And again.
After a few more hits, the lawyer was on the ground, writhing in pain. The cop straightens up, smiles, and says, "Now then, do you want me to stop, or should I just slow down?"
FOR SALE: Parachute. Only used once. Never opened.
Why are dogs such bad dancers?Because they have two left feet.
Grasshopper walks into a tavern. he sits at the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender, not used to serving insects and trying to make small talk, says to the grasshopper, "Hey, there's a great drink named after you."The Grasshopper says, "you have a drink called the Irving?"
And did you know that some dogs can't hold their licker?
How do chickens dance? Chick to chick!
Be warned: this one is REALLY BAD.Q: Can you run through a campsite?
A: No. You can only ran through a campsite, because it's past tents (past tense)
Relationships in a one bathroom apartment are all based on an unspoken compromise. He never asks why she ties up the bathroom until his bladder is about to burst, and she never asks why the grass is always wet below their balcony.
What does a nosy chili pepper do?Get Jalapeno business.
The Seven Dwarves go to visit the Pope. Once they are granted an audience, Dopey steps forward and asks the Pope, "Are there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican?"The Pope says, "No, Dopey, there aren't any dwarf nuns in the Vatican."
The six other dwarves start to titter.
Dopey says, "Are there any dwarf nuns in Italy, then?"
The Pope replies, "No, Dopey, there aren't any dwarf nuns in Italy."
The other six dwarves start to giggle.
Dopey says, "What about Europe? Are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?"
"No, Dopey," says the Pope, "there aren't any dwarf nuns in Europe."
The other six dwarves are rolling on the floor laughing by this point.
"Are there any dwarf nuns in the whole world?" asks Dopey.
The Pope says, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in the whole world."
Then, the six other dwarves jump up and shout, "Dopey kissed a penguin! Dopey kissed a penguin!"
Ellie, I stole your first joke, I thought it was cute.My joke of the week:
All money is tainted. Taint yours and taint mine:)
An eighty-six year-old spinster visits her attorney. “It’s time I made arrangements for my funeral and estate,” she said.The attorney pulls out a legal pad and begins taking notes.
“I never married and I have no living relatives, so my estate is all going to charity. I want my funeral service to be held at Saint Mary’s and I want six female pall bearers.”
The attorney looks surprised. “You want women pall bearers?”
“Absolutely! Men didn’t take me out while I was living, so. . .”
*Knock Knock*Who's there?
Interrupting cow
Interrupting c-
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
What did the first snowman say to the second snowman?Can you smell carrots?
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.
Hot Woman 1: What is that smell? It stinks?Hot Woman 2: Remember that your mouth is very close to your nose. :P
Hahaha!!!
Graham wrote: "What did the first snowman say to the second snowman?Can you smell carrots?"
I remember Frozen :-D
An elderly woman was driving along the road, knitting needles out, not concentrating on her driving at all. A motor cycle policeman saw this from accross the street, hopped on his motor bike and starts off after her. Upon reaching
the car he knocks on the window and shouts "Pullover"
She winds down the windowand replies " no, mittens"
I went into a bookstore and asked for a book about famous animals, like Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat. The 'bookie' said, "It rings a bell but I don't know if we have it or not."
All of you who believe in psychokinesis, raise my right hand.
My friend wanted a really fast car for her birthday, but she new I couldn't afford to buy one. Still, she hinted that she wanted a gift that "went from 0 to 200 in six seconds."
I was kind of annoyed at her for suggesing something I couldn't buy. So that weekend, she found a gift on her doorstep and took it inside. She unwrapped it to reveal her gift- a bathroom scale.
I was kind of annoyed at her for suggesing something I couldn't buy. So that weekend, she found a gift on her doorstep and took it inside. She unwrapped it to reveal her gift- a bathroom scale.
Gandhi and Professor PetersWhen Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, there was a professor, whose last name was Peters, who felt animosity for Gandhi, and because Gandhi never lowered his head towards him, their "arguments" were very common.
One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor.
The professor, in his arrogance, said, "Mr Gandhi: you do not understand... a pig and a bird do not sit together to eat."
Gandhi replies, "You do not worry professor, I'll fly away," and he went and sat at another table.
Mr. Peters, green of rage, decides to take revenge on the next test, but Gandhi responds brilliantly to all questions.
Then, Mr. Peters asked him the following question, "Mr Gandhi, if you are walking down the street and find a package, and within it there is a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money; which one will you take?" Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, "The one with the money, of course."
Mr. Peters, smiling, said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don't you think?"
"Each one take what one doesn't have", responded Gandhi indifferently.
Mr. Peters, already hysteric, writes on the exam sheet the word "idiot" and gives it to Gandhi. Gandhi takes the exam sheet and sits down.
A few minutes later, Gandhi goes to the professor and says, "Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade."
Hahaha!! That Ghandi one is epic XD Ok, I have a blonde joke.
A blonde woman walked into a bank in New York and asked for a loan, saying that she needed it for her trip to Paris. The bank agents told her that they needed her to provide some collateral, and she pointed outside to a cherry-red Lamborghini.
"Will that do?"
The bank agents smiled at each other, agreed to the loan, and set down their rate of interest, and the blonde woman left the bank happy.
Two months later, the woman returned and paid the loan in full, along with accrued interest of fifteen dollars. The bank agent at the desk ordered her car to be brought around, and as they were waiting, he asked, "miss, while you were gone we couldn't help but discover you're a millionaire. Why did you ask us for a loan?"
The blonde woman smiled at him.
"Oh, I didn't need the money. But where else in New York could I have my car parked for two months for only fifteen dollars?"
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?A Flat Miner. (Sorry)
Okay this is a tiny bit rude but here goes: One day a female elephant was standing below a coconut tree. A tiny male mouse walked up to her and asked, "Hey you wanna have sex with me?"
The elephant said no. The mouse asked several more times receiving the same answer. Finally the fifth time the mouse asked if the elephant wanted to have sex with him, the elephant said yes. The mouse was going at it as fiercely as he could. Suddenly a coconut fell from the tree and dropped onto the elephant's head.
"Ouch!" the elephant said.
"Suffer bitch!" the mouse said.
Here's the definition of the day: Hair SalonA place where women go to curl up and dye....
A woman asked her programmer husband to go to the store and buy a loaf of bread and, if they had eggs, to get a dozen.The programmer came home with a dozen loaves of bread.
Put your funniest jokes here. I'll start:
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't get down from an elephant, you get down from a duck.
Your turn!