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Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query > Blurb feedback for Dark Erotica

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message 1: by Cee (new)

Cee Smith (ceesmith) | 5 comments I'm having the hardest time figuring out how much to reveal in the blurb. Any feedback at this point would be helpful.

When Hailey pictures her last spring break before graduation she imagines warm water and bone-white sand, new adventures, and poolside boy ogling. Seven days in oasis with her brother and sister in tow feels like the start to a future that she’s never felt more optimistic about. Except, oasis wasn’t what Hailey found while off the coast of Australia.

Dominic takes Hailey with a singular purpose—a need as strong as the will to live—but when the lines between abductor and abductee begin to blur, that purpose becomes less clear, leading Dominic in a tailspin of emotions long forgotten. Can Hailey piece Dominic back together or, will they crash and burn when the secrets he’s been harboring are revealed?


message 2: by Fiona (last edited Jan 20, 2015 10:07AM) (new)

Fiona Hurley (fiona_hurley) | 33 comments Just my initial thoughts:

When Hailey pictures her last spring break before graduation, [you need a comma here] she imagines warm water and bone-white sand, new adventures, and poolside boys ogling.

Seven days in oasis with her brother and sister in tow feels like the start to a future that she’s never felt more optimistic about.
Is "oasis" an actual green place in the desert (in which case it needs to be "the oasis"), or is it the name of a place (in which case it needs to be capitalized "Oasis")?
On first reading, I thought that "sister in tow" was a misspelling of "sister-in-law".
It also seems unclear whether Hailey is optimistic about her future or not. I think she is, but I had to read the sentence more than once.

Dominic takes Hailey with a singular purpose—a need as strong as the will to live—but when the lines between abductor and abductee begin to blur, that purpose becomes less clear, leading Dominic in a tailspin of emotions long forgotten.
There's a lot going on in this sentence. Can you split it up or make it clearer?
Also, "takes" is ambiguous. Could be kidnap or could be a euphemism for sex.

Can Hailey piece Dominic back together or, will they crash and burn when the secrets he’s been harboring are revealed?
I'm actually wondering here why she would want to "piece Dominic back together". You haven't really given Hailey much motivation, or expanded on what makes Dominic worth this effort. Is it just Stockholm syndrome, or something else?

Hope this is helpful.


message 3: by Amy (new)

Amy (garnet1377) | 2 comments Cee wrote: "I'm having the hardest time figuring out how much to reveal in the blurb. Any feedback at this point would be helpful.

When Hailey pictures her last spring break before graduation she imagines wa..."


The first paragraph is okay, but the 2nd...I thought Dominic was taking her sexual, my mind is in the gutter, I apologize.

who is Dominic a local? A pool boy that she has been noticing? That might be helpful to know.

How about something like this -

A sanctuary of bliss is shattered in a reckless moment, when Dominic abducts Hailey. But for what purpose? Does he mean her harm? Lines become blurred and Dominic is in a heady tailspin. Can Hailey talk him down? Or will they crash and burn together when the secrets come to light?


message 4: by Cee (new)

Cee Smith (ceesmith) | 5 comments This is great feedback so far! This is definitely giving me insight into what is and isn't working.


message 5: by Lena (new)

Lena | 172 comments Mod
When Hailey pictures her last spring break before (high school? College? Make sure she's 18 if this is erotica) graduation she imagines warm water and bone-white sand, new adventures, and poolside boy ogling. Seven days in oasis with her brother and sister in tow feels like the start to a future that she’s never felt more optimistic about. Except, oasis wasn’t isn't what Hailey found finds while off the coast of Australia.

Dominic takes Hailey with a singular purpose—a need as strong as the will to live—but when the lines between abductor and abductee begin to blur, that purpose becomes less clear, leading Dominic in a tailspin of emotions long forgotten. Can Hailey piece Dominic back together or, will they crash and burn when the secrets he’s been harboring are revealed?

First paragraph: suggestions in text.
Second paragraph: I get that Dominic kidnaps Hailey, but I don't get why she is anything but terrified. You might mention what the 'one reason' he kidnaps her is, as well. Is it to rape her? If so, I'm not sure why she would want to fix him. I think you worried too much about not giving away your plot, and you haven't given us enough.

Hope that helps!


message 6: by Lena (new)

Lena | 172 comments Mod
Oh, and I crossed out the brother and sister bc they disappear after the one mention. Did Dominic kidnap them, too? If so, mention it again, if not, I'm not sure what happens to them but it might be worth noting or leave them out altogether.


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