Writing Club discussion

12 views
Sid's Writing > Chapter 1- A new beginning

Comments Showing 1-20 of 20 (20 new)    post a comment »
dateDown arrow    newest »

message 1: by Sid (new)

Sid (desire2write) | 43 comments Testing XD


message 2: by Sid (new)

Sid (desire2write) | 43 comments Please read it and share your honest opinion. You will hurt me by not being honest.


message 3: by Sid (new)

Sid (desire2write) | 43 comments I opened my eyes with a splitting headache and felt my head on hard ground. Everything was blurry for a few seconds.

While grabbing onto a nearby tree, I pulled myself up.
Suddenly a voice rang in my head-
"Live a safe and happy life."
It was the voice of a girl, and after hearing my headache faded, and I get a familiar, comforting feeling and wonder what was all that about.

Looking around, I found myself in a strange environment with no one around me.
There was just a whisper of air among the leaves of the surrounding, causing a faint rustle, otherwise not a sound--not even the distant call of a bird.

"Is this a jungle?"
There were a lot of questions in my mind, but the most important among them was "who am I and how did I get here."

*Grumble*
Well, at least I know that I didn't eat anything before getting here.

"Need to eat first."

*Crunch*
While walking around admiring the view, I picked some fruits that were fallen beneath the tall tree, but I knew that the fruit can be eaten even though it's my first time seeing it.

The fruit looks like an apple, but it is juicy, and the sweet taste proves that it's not an apple that I know.

While carrying a bunch of fruits, I walked for some time but still can't find any traces of civilization.

"Looks like I am stuck in the middle of nowhere."
The only silver lining is that I haven't encountered any dangerous animals.

*GROOOOWLLLL*
"That is definitely not the sound of my stomach... "
I am really a fool for raising such an obvious flag and considering that,
It is definitely the sound of a gruesome man meat-eating animal.

"What the heck is man meat-eating animal... "
While cursing myself internally, I slowly and steadily moved towards the direction of the noise.
You might be thinking that I am crazy for doing that.
But hey, it's my life I can play with it however I like... But the main reason is that it's my first interaction of any other lifeform since I got here, so I wanted to see it myself.

They say curiosity killed the cat, but I have a feeling that I have to go there, so I'll take my chances.

I grabbed a stick from the ground and peeked through the bush.

Inside the cave, I could clearly see a wounded beast that looked like a huge polar bear with two small horns on the side and one horn in the middle of its forehead.
There was another much smaller one that was licking the wounds on the beast's body with teary eyes.
The smaller one also has while fur, but there are no horns.
They are probably the mother and child, and from the looks of it, she got badly hurt trying to protect her child.

The mother bear is laying on the ground with wounds all over her body while the cub which is the same size as a puppy is crying beside her.

"What on earth are those. I have never heard about them, Am I really on earth?"

My mind was in conflict as I can get a lot of meat if I just let her die.. it won't be easy to kill her even if she is wounded, but she looks like she will die soon even without me doing anything. I resolved myself and decided to help them.

Although scared but unable to watch any longer. I slowly got out of the bush and approached cautiously while throwing the stick that I was holding so that I do not scare them.

"Hello, lovely bear family. I moved here today and thought I should check on my neighbors, so how are you guys doing?"

No reply came... not that I expected any... But still, it feels kinda lonely...

The mother bear looked at me with a dumbfounded face as she saw me approaching while the little bear was still sobbing near her.

After confirming that she does not consider me an enemy, I slowly approached the child, and while patting the head, I gave her the fruits.

I shrugged when I saw the mother bear's eyes continuously looking at me.
"Please don't stare so much, I get easily embarrassed ."

She was still staring at me as if trying to read my thoughts while I was trying to do the same.

It hasn't been long since I got here and don't know my ways around this forest and amnesia made it even worse, but since I have decided to help them and it is a man's pride to see through the end of their decision, so no need to think anymore.

The Mother bear looked at me with warm eyes and shook her head as if trying to dissuade me from helping them since it will only increase the burden in the jungle that is all about survival of the fittest. But that made my resolve even firmer.

Clenching my fist, I got close to the mother and gently rubbed her forehead.

I still clearly remember the voice "live a safe and happy life" which I heard when I first woke up and to achieve that I need to help her.

The cub approached me.
"Hello, there little bear."

She hugged my legs with her small paws while tears keep rolling from her eyes.
"Let's save your mother together. "
Saying that I picked her up and hugged her until she stopped crying. She was really desperate to save her mother.
A warm feeling filled my arms and heart.

I reached the river that was five kilometers from the cave while gathering herbs that my intuition tell me I needed to cure the wound.
It feels weird to entirely rely on intuition, but it has not let me down and there is no other choice other than relying on it since I have no knowledge about this place.

I found some red berries were edible so I collected a lot of them and filled the bottles made from the leaf with water and dragged everything back to the cave.

The little bear saw me coming and ran towards me and hugged my legs with her tiny arms.
"I'm back,"
I said with a smile.
She looked at me and smiled.
The Little bear washed the wounds of her mother while I crushed the herbs with rock and made a paste which then applied on wounds and covered it with leaf. I tied it with vines so it won't fall off.

Mother bear looked at me helplessly that she could only receive the kindness of some stranger whom she just met so I told her-
"Don't worry about the small stuff, and once you get better you can give me the tour of the forest as compensation."
I think she gave a small nod.
Like she will give a really wonderful tour that I will never forget.
I smiled wearily.
The little bear fed fruits to her mother and looked really happy.
This face suits her a lot better than a crying face.
So I decided that I will not let her cry again.

I watched her with a smile, but it was just for a moment as I soon realized...
"it will be dark soon... "

It's a known fact that knows that the jungle becomes really scary at night, and it is even worse for me as I don't know anything about this place.

I made a stone Hatchets using sharp stone that I picked from the river and tying it on a stick with vines.
It helped chop the trees quickly that I needed to block the entrance
"Little bear dig some holes at the entrance of the cave."
She quickly started digging the ground and I put the log in the hole and filled with dirt so the log won't fall easily.

I left enough space so I can barely squeeze myself to get in and out.
This will hopefully prevent some beasts from entering.
Inside the cave is really spacious so after blocking the entrance with logs I lit the fire and sat close to it. Since I had left some space on the entrance for the smoke can go out so it should be safe.

You might think that bears are scared of fire but it's not, only reptiles cold-blooded reptiles like snake are scared of fire, plus these are not bears, they are similar to them so I call them bears.

"Little bear come here."
She really hates it when I call her little bear but it is fun to tease her, also it feels good to have someone to speak to even though it's a one-sided conversation.
She made an annoyed expression as she unwillingly accepted the name and sat on my lap, and I started patting her.

"Your mother will get better soon."
I looked at the mother bear who is sleeping peacefully. She must still be in pain but now her life is not in danger and could probably start moving in a week.
But I am more concerned about the beast that injured her.

As if trying not to think about it, I gave fruits to the little bear and watch her eat it happily.
It's really cute watching her try to eat a fruit bigger than her head.
"Maybe I should give you a decent name..."
Since she always gets annoyed when I call her little bear.
When I said that I could see her eyes sparkling for a moment...
"Maybe it's just my imagination... "

Soon she went to sleep on my lap and I waited for night to end while being on guard for any approaching monsters.


message 4: by Tiffany (new)

Tiffany I'm assuming that this is a first try, and if so, it's pretty good. However, it could use some polishing. I don't really understand the sound effects-- could they be left out? Also, the tense changes: one minute it's in present tense, and another minute it's in past tense, as in "I walked for some time but I still can't find any traces of civilization." The verb tenses should stay the same unless there's a reason for it to change. As well, you tell instead of show pretty often. It's a good start, though, and the bears are adorable.


message 5: by Sid (new)

Sid (desire2write) | 43 comments Well its a light novel which is different from normal ones and I am trying to show the same scenes that i see while writing but ya its lacking. I spent 6-7 hours just to write this much because of lack in command in English.
It does not need to be grammatically correct, I just want the audience to get a clear picture and the sound effects helps me get more realistic approach.


message 6: by Quinley (last edited Sep 14, 2020 02:26PM) (new)

Quinley (Phoenix_Bluefeather) (phoenix_bluefeather) | 70 comments This is a good start. Usually when adding sound effects in, I say the character hears something as opposed to directly putting in "rumbles" or another sound effect.
I really like the choice to do a first person point of view, it really makes me feel like I am him and I am experiencing the same confusion as he is. Good job with that. :)
Also one thing I am curious about is, what makes these bears different from bears from our world? And how does the main character know about the bears from our world? Given that he says the bears he was petting were not normal bears.


message 7: by Sid (new)

Sid (desire2write) | 43 comments P.S. Thanks for reading it ;)


message 8: by Sid (new)

Sid (desire2write) | 43 comments Quinley wrote: "This is a good start. Usually when adding sound effects in, I say the character hears something as opposed to directly putting in "rumbles" or another sound effect.
I really like the choice to do ..."


Well they have horns on the forehead XD


message 9: by Tiffany (new)

Tiffany I see then. I was just trying to help because you asked someone to read it. I didn't know that a light novel was different from a regular novel; if I'd known I would have critiqued it differently, sorry. You did a good job at any rate, and I love the bears.


message 10: by Quinley (new)

Quinley (Phoenix_Bluefeather) (phoenix_bluefeather) | 70 comments Sid wrote: "Quinley wrote: "This is a good start. Usually when adding sound effects in, I say the character hears something as opposed to directly putting in "rumbles" or another sound effect.
I really like t..."


Oops, I must have missed that.


message 11: by Sid (new)

Sid (desire2write) | 43 comments Sid wrote: "Quinley wrote: "This is a good start. Usually when adding sound effects in, I say the character hears something as opposed to directly putting in "rumbles" or another sound effect.
I really like t..."


Thats all i could come up with but I am open to suggestions to change the look so it can look more fantasy like.


message 12: by Quinley (new)

Quinley (Phoenix_Bluefeather) (phoenix_bluefeather) | 70 comments I like that they have horns I just wanted to say. Do you think you'd like the idea of them having scales hidden underneath their fur or something like that? I'm just putting stuff out there, if it doesn't work for you, you don't need to use it.


message 13: by Sid (new)

Sid (desire2write) | 43 comments Hm its a good idea, I can use that as a fact during a fight in later chapters.


message 14: by Quinley (new)

Quinley (Phoenix_Bluefeather) (phoenix_bluefeather) | 70 comments Sid wrote: "Hm its a good idea, I can use that as a fact during a fight in later chapters."
I'm glad it helped. :)


message 15: by Tiffany (new)

Tiffany I also really liked the bears' horns; I thought that was a cool detail.


message 16: by Quinley (new)

Quinley (Phoenix_Bluefeather) (phoenix_bluefeather) | 70 comments Tiffany wrote: "I also really liked the bears' horns; I thought that was a cool detail."

Agreed. :)


message 17: by Sid (new)

Sid (desire2write) | 43 comments Have you guys read any light novel before?


message 18: by Tiffany (new)

Tiffany No, sorry.


message 19: by Quinley (new)

Quinley (Phoenix_Bluefeather) (phoenix_bluefeather) | 70 comments Sid wrote: "Have you guys read any light novel before?"

Not that I'm aware of.


message 20: by Sid (new)

Sid (desire2write) | 43 comments Well I wont recommend any as they can get really addicting.

But I just need help when i have to express emotions into words....i lack in that department xD


back to top