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message 1: by Vis (new)

Vis Hey guys I decided to split my chapter one as there was scope for improvement, i read your reviews and decided to add more details.

Chapter 1

Confidence

Borivali
Mumbai
2nd January 2019.

I struggled to open my eyes.

“ouch,” I whispered as my head gave me sharp pain.

It was an unfamiliar small room. I squinted my eyes and looked around. There was very dim light coming through the window, I couldn’t see much clearly, it looked like I was in someone’s bedroom. have i been kidnapped, i thought to myself. I was terrified, my heart started beating faster, a shiver ran down my spine.One thing that I have learnt from twenty four years of watching Bollywood movies is that you do not panic or shout in such situations. I took a deep breath and decided to think practically.

I tiptoed and clumsily went near the window. I realised I was in an apartment building approximately above thirty floors, I could see the city lights, a few trees and a road with not many cars. I realised any attempts to shout for help would be futile. I fumbled and tried to search my phone, but I couldn't find it.

The rays of moonlight were falling on the wall opposite to the window, on which there was a poster of a middle aged man holding up a gun probably , he looked angry, I was even more scared .There was utter silence and the only sound i could hear was of a ticking wall clock. What if this is the room where they torture people, I thought to myself.

After all my fruitless efforts I decided to hide under the bed until someone comes searching for me.
Suddenly the door knob started turning and I saw a shadow of a boy taller than me ,I was scared.Somebody entered and switched on the main light. I was blinded by the main light for a few seconds and prayed that he didn’t see me. I opened my eyes and felt somewhat relieved.

The room I was so scared of was just a kid’s bedroom, the poster I was terrified of was of a middle aged man holding a tennis racket.

I was relieved the only weapons present in that room was a whole bunch of stationary and books,although a pen is mightier than a sword,I thought and giggled.

It was a boy in his teens wearing grey shorts and a white t-shirt , five feet nine , dusky skin tone, slim with straight hair, some strands falling on his forehead he looked upset for some reason.
I sighed and decided to come out of my hiding spot , he looked harmless and very young.
I sat up on the bed facing him , waiting for his reaction.
He walked towards his study table and sat on the chair , opened a thick textbook and started staring at it,
completely ignoring me. I was astonished.
He is probably not wearing his glasses, I thought to myself.

I waited for a brief three minutes while analysing the room.
Maybe he is feeling shy.
As I was about to say hello to break the ice, he turned his chair and stared straight at me, I was confused and curious.
We maintained a ten second eye contact without a word.
“Is he trying to scare me?,” I thought

Suddenly his phone started ringing,

He picked up and answered “Hi Raghav,” he said in a normal tone.

“WHAT! Who did that,” he shouted, and started tapping his right feet repeatedly.
“This can’t be happening today my parents won’t spare me.”
He looked devastated.
I decided to give him some privacy.

I started walking around the room, to get a better look hoping maybe that way he would notice me.
He was still on the call, I stopped eavesdropping and started looking around.

It was a light blue room, tiny and simple but liveable .The bed was in one corner and in the other corner there was a cupboard. Just below the window there was a study table and a chair he was sitting on, the furniture looked old and dusty. There was an old wall clock , which was surprisingly working .It was 11: 12 pm.

I always had fun observing stuff, my short tour of the room ended when finally I came near the door behind which there was a full size mirror.

I was confused and almost collapsed as the only reflection I saw was of the boy and the background , I was nowhere visible, I thought something was wrong with it.
Is this some kind of prank,I thought.
I felt petrified and started to panic, I tried to remember how I got to this place.
Am I actually dead, is this a dream,I started pinching myself.
I started nervously strolling around
I tried to get the teenager’s attention.
I waved at him vigorously, I got nothing ,he was still on the call and didn’t even lift up his eyes, he buried himself in his book.
I waited for the call to get over , but I was running out of patience.
I tried to tap his shoulder, my hand passed right through him like a breeze.
My worst fear had come true, I was just a dead soul , I was in the depths of despair.

I went and sat on the bed and tried to stay sane as I realised there is nothing I can do, what do I do , why am I here, why me !
I had so many questions, but there was nobody I could ask.

I was about to break into tears, but then I saw a calendar hung up beside the bed.
I stared at it and all of a sudden I had an epiphany,
Mr. April! He made me disappear! Why did he do this to me, why did he send me to this kid!
Maybe I should go look for him , I know exactly...
My train thought was interrupted as the boy started tearing up and said ,” you should go study for tomorrow, I’ll handle this” I could feel the pain in his voice , he then started randomly opening drawers, searching for something.

“I said I am fine just leave me alone,” he shouted and ended the call.
He slammed his phone on his table and buried his face in his hands.

I wish I could help ,I thought.
He stopped crying and opened his book, tried to study and then within twenty seconds took his phone and started typing something. I went closer to get a good look at his phone.

He googled painless and easy ways to die.
I definitely have to help him , I thought.
Then he switched off his phone and tore off a page from a random book and started scribbling something, I panicked as I couldn’t think of ways to stop him,
I was nothing but air, I can’t call for help !
He then angrily crumbled what he had been writing and threw it angrily at the bed.
He then stormed out of the room.
I assumed he had dropped his risky plan, I was relieved.
I tried to pick up and read the crumbled paper, and to my shock I could actually pick up objects. I was overjoyed, “this is so cool,” I yelled and jumped in excitement.
“ focus sara,” I said and started reading the note.
I chuckled at the title:

DEATH NOTE
Dear dad and step mom,
I have decided to end my life as I have been nothing but a disappointment to you.
I am sick of being a burden to all of you. I am not great academically,I know I am going to fail the test tomorrow, forgive me for not being a good son and wasting all the money you spend on my Tutions.
Also the truth is I started doing drugs after mom's death three years back, but I have been sober for 6 months now and I am not at all involved in selling drugs to kids In my school. Also please thank Raghav for being a good friend.
Yours affectionately,
Abhinav.

This doesn’t look good , I thought and kept the paper back as I heard the door knob turning again.

He came back in with a small brown glass bottle and locked the door behind him.
He then kept the bottle on the table , walked towards the window ,joined his hands.
I went to get a good look at the bottle ,I was rat poison.
I was sceptical about his intentions.

He started praying “dear god I know I have not been a very good person but I don’t deserve to live like this, I was about to leave a suicide note but I couldn’t think of one person who would care if I live or not”, He said holding back tears.

“Forgive me for doing this but I can’t face my parents or my classmates one more day” “ God please give me a sign if you don’t want me to do this sin.”

“I don't know what more to say, nothing is right in my life, I hope I am a better person if I am born again goodbye “

I didn’t know what to do I felt so sad for him and simultaneously it reminded me of how I was in his shoes five years back , his words gave me the nostalgia and I knew exactly how he was feeling; I understood why Mr. April had sent me here.
I had to stop him !

I was lost in my train of thought and didn’t realise he had already been back to the table and taken a sip, I could tell from his face that it tasted nasty but he was looked determined.
I abruptly came up with a plan to stop him.
I can touch objects, I thought.

“Now or never “, he said courageously. He was about to drink up the whole bottle,
I had to stop him, I pulled a book out of the shelf above the table and dropped it on his head.
“Ouch!,” he yelled.
“is this a sign god ? “ ,he said and looked towards the shelf with hope.
I was holding in my laughter.
He waited for a few seconds and said , “ probably not.”
Then in his second attempt I again dropped a book on his head, he was terrified this time, He stood up and started checking the shelf if something was wrong with it, he couldn’t find anything.
He then started talking to himself making up absurd theories for my actions “ maybe I am hallucinating and all this is not real , I did take a sip that must be it “

Or worse

“I am probably dead by the one sip I took, oh god is this how heaven looks like!?” , he said remorsefully.

I was having so much fun, vulnerability is indeed attractive.
I took a pen from the desk and started scribbling on his notebook,

“this is a sign you moron

Yours affectionately,

Sara”.

***


message 2: by Liavali (new)

Liavali | 237 comments Hi Vis, I understand wanting reviews to re writes but I have to tell you, if you get stuck reviewing a chapter, re writing and then get more feedback and you re write again, it is possible you spend all the time you would writing the whole thing, just on one chapter.

At this point we are all just doing a first draft, and that gets reviewed, and you implement these reviews but only to then continue writing. If we all start wanting to review the SECOND draft, we will not finish to write the first draft.

I have already reviewed you chapter 1 by the way, and with changes or not, I don't have time to review second drafts I am doing first drafts only, but maybe make sure you also review the work of people who reviewed yours, do your re writes sure, but focus on moving on to next chapter.


message 3: by Vis (new)

Vis Yes I understand, I reviewed your first chapter


message 4: by Liavali (new)

Liavali | 237 comments I would advise you really don't worry about this chapter for now, after having re written it, and just get back to continuing story, go for chapter 2.


message 5: by Andres, Thaumaturge (new)

Andres Rodriguez (aroddamonster) | 585 comments @ Liavali, that's great advice.

@Vis, Week 10 will be a review of your chapters 1-9. That would be a great time to introduce the changes you've made and have someone read through the 1st act of your story. I'm sure it happens again around week 20 so you will get a chance to review your changes later on.


message 6: by Vis (new)

Vis Thank you , I’ll keep that in mind. I will post my second and third chapter together.


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