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message 1: by Faye (last edited Aug 12, 2020 06:00PM) (new)

Faye Garrison Hello to all - I have posted some of chapter 1....did not see the shareable link once I submitted my work so I pasted it here. Thanks to all who review.


https://www.coursera.org/learn/write-...

** THIS IS ONLY THE VERY BEGINNING OF THE CHAPTER - - IT'S NOT AS EASY TO WRITE**

LOGLINE:
A young woman is named guardian of her 4 year old niece. When the guardianship is challenged by her abusive uncle - she must find the courage to face her abusive past or risk everything she has grown to love.
********************************************************************
COPYRIGHT ©2020 FAYE GARRISON
Excitement raced through Ellie as she by past the crowded elevator, the need to be alone with her thoughts made the warm stairwell and 2 flights of stairs desirable. 
“Satan’s seed”
In through the nose out through the mouth tempo echoing.
“Hell bound Citizen”
In and Out, In and Out maintaining her breathing pattern.
“Hell called – Julian answered” Were all fitting headstones for Julian Blanchard Wilcox IV, her last known relative, after 16 years and 3 therapist  26 year old - Ellie Madison Chandler is finally free to have a life.
The  cool air refreshing as she exit the stairwell onto the 15th floor, walking slowly to her office, cooling down with each step, slowing down her heart beat. 
"Ms. Chandler, your 5:00 should be here in 10 minutes - do you need me to sit in on the meeting?" was the greeting Ellie received from her assistant Tina.
"No, Tina that won't be necessary - enjoy your evening" Ellie replied, while looking over her messages.
Anxious thoughts of Winton Lingard, Esquire crowded her mine .
"why did he insist on a meeting face to face - unless there were documents she needed to sign?" She could have did that electronically.
"Why did she needed two forms of ID including her social security card?
"And what other documents did he say he had?" the more thoughts she had the more anxious she got. "was all of this necessary to inform the next of kin?"
Ten more minutes and she will have all her answers and this will be over - all this will be over! - Julian Bertrand Wilcox IV will be buried and forgotten about - just the way he did Karissa 12 years ago! forced to run-away at age 16, only to die 3 years later in a horrific blazing car accident, denied burial next to our parents - my sweet innocent older sister did not deserve that!
Uncle Julian would not allow a memorial service for Karissa, "to do so would bring shame to the family name, his good standing in the community and he could not afford to have the Wilcox name tarnished by the good people of Elmhurst" he screamed!
"no it's best that she be cremated and stored in the guest house" he had said.
"But Uncle, Karissa should be buried next to Mom and Dad" Quick with words, slow on reaction - Ellie didn't noticed his raised fist coming towards her - Her 26 year old body - still carries the bruises of his reply - dear Karissa was never mentioned ever again, at 13 years old - Ellie learned how to hide someone in her heart while in public and silently mourn when she's alone...regretting that she didn't runaway with her big sister, at least they would have been together in the guest house.
"no she would not mourn Uncle Julian" it's time to celebrate! - Ellie determined.
" Julian Bertrand Wilcox IV was dead - best to just get it over with and start living." Ellie thought as the solid knock sounded on her door. COPYRIGHT ©2020 FAYE GARRISON


message 2: by M.L. (new)

M.L. Rodriguez | 119 comments The opening begins with a sprint. Lots of energy. You give us the back story of the evil uncle without slowing down the narrative.

The dashes used in the final two paragraphs threw me off a bit. I'm guessing it's to show her mind racing from thought to thought. Still, I think most could be replaced with periods and still maintain a frantic pace.

I like all the questions that pop up in Ellie's mind as she rushes for her meeting. This hooks the reader into wanting to find out what happens next. So, what happens next?

Later,
M.R.


message 3: by Faye (new)

Faye Garrison Thank You M.R. for the feedback, it is appreciated. What happens next is gonna turn her world upside down. Thanks


message 4: by Rufaida (new)

Rufaida It's a twisted thing I can tell. I like your style. It's quite engaging.I like the way we got to know about Ellie's past. Her life seems really hard yet she looks like a strong character. Good job.


message 5: by Faye (new)

Faye Garrison Thank You. It's fun writing her


message 6: by [deleted user] (new)

Nice beginning, full speed. Though I don't know

Nice first scene! Sometimes I had to keep on reading to understand what was being told (like what could go on the tombstones, or who Winton Lingard, Esquire is), but this is the beginning of the course for you, and a draft. So it's okay.

Definitely suspenseful, with just the right amount of information to keep readers interested without burying them in information...


message 7: by Faye (new)

Faye Garrison Thank You - Yes, it does need polishing - but I'll get to that.


message 8: by Liavali (new)

Liavali | 237 comments Hi, this link only takes me to my submission, not your chapter on coursera? I wanted to leave review there for you.


message 9: by Liavali (last edited Aug 17, 2020 05:41AM) (new)

Liavali | 237 comments Great first scene, it is very fast paced and we get a good view of her frantic way, how she thinks, and how her time seems to be consumed with intrusive thoughts.

I know it is a first draft, so some things I would consider for ease of reading, for your next re-write:
In this part: {“Satan’s seed”
In through the nose out through the mouth tempo echoing.
“Hell bound Citizen”
In and Out, In and Out maintaining her breathing pattern.
“Hell called – Julian answered” Were all fitting headstones for Julian Blanchard Wilcox IV, her last known relative, after 16 years and 3 therapist 26 year old - Ellie Madison Chandler is finally free to have a life.}
None of these thoughts are signposted as thoughts.

-Separate dialogue and thoughts in different ways, at first I thought someone had shouted "Satan's seed" at her as she raced by the crowded elevator... Either keep "" and a new line, for dialogue, and have thoughts inside ''' but maybe also in italics? Something that visually allows us to read and immediately know which one is thought and dialogue.

- confusing numbers need to be sorted,
{Julian Blanchard Wilcox IV, her last known relative, after 16 years and 3 therapist 26 year old - Ellie Madison Chandler is finally free to have a life.} I took this to mean she had been free of her uncle since she was 10 years old, free FOR 16 years. But later seems she had to deal with him later than that. Maybe the sentence needs rewritting or you haven't decided on actual chronology of events yet.

{he need to be alone with her thoughts made the warm stairwell and 2 flights of stairs desirable. } But later she arrives at her { exit the stairwell onto the 15th floor, walking slowly to her office,}

if she walked to the 15th floor not so refreshing, but maybe point out she isn't arriving from floor but from 13th floor?

I love how the dialogue continues the pace of the overall piece, specially this exchange

"Ms. Chandler, your 5:00 should be here in 10 minutes - do you need me to sit in on the meeting?" was the greeting Ellie received from her assistant Tina.
"No, Tina that won't be necessary - enjoy your evening" Ellie replied, while looking over her messages.

It is seamless within the scene and moves the dialogue together with the pace of the work, also is very telling about the easy familiarity between her and her secretary, so it establishes her surroundings firmly in our mind, we can picture her style, her interactions in the office etc.

I also really appreciate how well the frantic pace and anxiety she is experiencing is well described, we can live it with her, in her feelings in the body and reactions:
"In through the nose out through the mouth tempo echoing."
In and Out, In and Out maintaining her breathing pattern.
walking slowly to her office, cooling down with each step, slowing down her heart beat.
Her 26 year old body - still carries the bruises of his reply

I think this section as a first draft, is good to have the word anxious as a placeholder, but you did so well with the other examples of anxiety in the body, it wi=ould be great if you could do the same here:
{Anxious thoughts of Winton Lingard, Esquire crowded her mine .
"why did he insist on a meeting face to face - unless there were documents she needed to sign?" She could have did that electronically.
"Why did she needed two forms of ID including her social security card?
"And what other documents did he say he had?" the more thoughts she had the more anxious she got.}

Overall and not looking at details, it is a great well paced strong scene, it starts as it means to go on, fast fast fast even though we have no explosions or crazy action. It is well done, to infuse a simple walk into an office with this anxious frenetic pace echoing her mental state, and it starts us off int he story very well, with enough information but not too much at this point. It really is the right amount of background, I liked this scene very much.


My first chapter is alos up, if you can check it out and review I appreciate it: https://www.coursera.org/learn/write-...


message 10: by Liavali (new)

Liavali | 237 comments PS if you fix the link to the coursera I can copy and paste my review there.


message 11: by Faye (new)

Faye Garrison Thank You for taking the time to review my 1st chapter. Yes, it will read smoother once I re-write. I also reviewed your 1st chapter, very original, I like it. But, I did have questions.


message 12: by Liavali (new)

Liavali | 237 comments Thanks I read your review just now!

It is quite exciting to have reviews so one can work on it some more.

If you need reviews on coursera copy and paste the page link form the top of the browser, NOT their shareable link, cause that only works within coursera.


message 13: by Faye (new)

Faye Garrison Yes! the reviews are so helpful. I will copy and paste from now on.
You're writing your novel in first person, which is great. When I tried that it was a mess :)


message 14: by Liavali (new)

Liavali | 237 comments I get the feeling some people are really good at trying various different styles, either they are writing something in third persona and then write it all again in first person!

I find this very hard. The characters and story come to me and they come already with a certain style and sometimes in third person or in first, so when i try to write not as they come to me, it is just a mess that makes no sense.


message 15: by Faye (last edited Aug 18, 2020 06:33AM) (new)

Faye Garrison Yes, I agree it is hard, but maybe it helps the writer to develop their voice, which is something that I really want to develop, a strong voice.

I like that you write your story as it comes to you that's awesome. My thing is transiting from narrative to dialogue and internal monologue. How to transition from each of those, without confusing the reader while keeping a nice flow? I do hope this is touched on in this class.

So, to keep myself going I've decided to just write the whole novel, then edit and edit until I have a decent piece of work that's enjoyable to read.

Have you read any of L. J. Shen novels? It's been a while since I've read her, but what I do remember about her is that: she writes in first person, she's a very strong writer, great characterization and beautiful writing. "Sparrow" is one of my favorites by her. Perhaps you may want to check her out.

Hang in there, we're gonna get this done.


message 16: by Andres, Thaumaturge (new)

Andres Rodriguez (aroddamonster) | 590 comments I think Liavali hit most of my suggestions. The only part that confused me was,.. Julian married her older sister. Are they not brother - sister in law? Why does she call him uncle? Or did I miss something.


message 17: by Liavali (new)

Liavali | 237 comments Julian didn't marry the older sister, older sister ran away at 16 and 3 years later died in car accident, Julian denied her the right to be buried next to her parents... but not married her. Did I miss something? Although marrying his niece seems like something the satan's seed would do :-P


message 18: by Andres, Thaumaturge (new)

Andres Rodriguez (aroddamonster) | 590 comments I see. Wouldn't the act of not burying her with her parents tarnish the Wilcox name? Or did he cover up her death altogether?


message 19: by Liavali (new)

Liavali | 237 comments Apparently:

Uncle Julian would not allow a memorial service for Karissa, "to do so would bring shame to the family name, his good standing in the community and he could not afford to have the Wilcox name tarnished by the good people of Elmhurst" he screamed!
"no it's best that she be cremated and stored in the guest house" he had said.

It's becoming like a gossipy chat here, did Julian do that?? OHMYGOD!! ahahah :-D

Actually no idea why he thought she would tarnish their good name... maybe cause she had died in dodgy accident??


message 20: by Andres, Thaumaturge (new)

Andres Rodriguez (aroddamonster) | 590 comments ( O.o )

Yes, this is the major incentive for having a good community. May the chat be fun and light hearted and on its best occasion provide you with an amazing new thought. Ok, excelsior! I'm going back to write chapter 13. If you need me, shine your flashlight at the brightest start in the sky. I'll never see it of course. But, on the occasion that we randomly reunite, I'll pretend as though I did.


message 21: by Faye (new)

Faye Garrison WOW Andres you're on chapter 13 ... I'm struggling getting chapter 3 completed. Just a little backstory of my novel:
Ellie and Karissa are the daughters of Jonathan and Calista LeBlanc-Chandler. Julian and Calista were engaged; while visiting a relative, Calista meets a dashing young man named Jonathan Chandler, it was love at first sight - 4 weeks later Jonathan and Calista elopes, This gives Calista's younger sister Constance a shot at the man "Julian" that she has always loved. Hence Uncle Julian.

Hope this cleared up the confusion


,


message 22: by Andres, Thaumaturge (new)

Andres Rodriguez (aroddamonster) | 590 comments Yes, I seem to be further along but remember I enrolled into this class in April, so in reality I'm actually way behind lol.

Ah ha. So he might even still have some type of resentment with Calista and her daughters for leaving him. Mm. Very wise of you.


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